Bard Performance: Rhyming Insults

[TarionzCousin]

Tonight I begin playing in a Pathfinder Kingmaker campaign with a bard. His performance skill is Oratory, with the effect being rhyming insults.

In combat, he is going to insult monsters in order to activate his bardic performances.

Of course, some of his skills help his allies, so a good-natured zinger at them will be forthcoming as well.

What are some good D&D-style insults, either in general or by monster/race/class type? Keep them Grandma-friendly, of course.

The other PC's:

• "Ogre Smakulots" Human Fighter/Rogue, Two Weapons. From the Rostland Plains of Brevoy.
• "Roland" Half Elf Pistoleer/Paladin originally from Alkenstar, in the Mana Wastes.
• Half-Ogre/Half-Dwarf Barbarian (Berserker)/Alchemist from the Goluskin Mountains in Brevoy.
• Unknown: Dwarf? Crusader/Wilder? Druid/Psion? Something that blasts, maybe.
• Gnome Ranger/Shapeshifter?
• "Benton Burrows" Halfling Cleric/Wizard (Diviner/Scryer). Originally from Almas, in Andor.

 

[ExploderWizard]

Yo, sup man. You can't be bitin rhymes man. You gotta roll wit da improv on the M-I-C.

Just lose yourself.

EDIT: OK I guess I coud give a sample.

When facing kobolds

Whassup dude why you try to hit me?
You're just a chump yeah I know that you are shifty.
You're a little scrub
Beggin for a crumb
You dare face us in battle
Your morale I will rattle
You say you hate this message that I'm singin?
Best step off before we wax you like a minion.

 

[fba827]

here is a link to an older thread that has some insults in general ...
http://www.enworld.org/forum/general-rpg-discussion/235609-need-help-insults.html

but you did want -rhyming- insults....
i'm drawing a blank at the moment short of stuff like "roses are red, violets are blue ....(insert an insult that ends in 'you' like i've never met an ogre as ugly as you)" .. as you can see, a poet i am not.

but i'll post more later if i think of something useful... just wanted to toss in that link to the older thread in case it had anything for you to mine.

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

There once was a dwarf from Nantucket,
Who fought all his foes with a bucket ...

 

[Ferdil]

Every enemy I have met, I’ve annihilated.

A cookie if you get the quote.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Be I drunk or be I sober, you're still as ugly as an ogre.

I heard your father say to brother 'tis shameful what you do to your mother.

After I leave here, I'll need strong drink to make me forget your powerful stink.

I pity any comely wench subjected to thy loathsome stench.

Your tongue, sir, is quite the wagger- come, let me fix that with my dagger.

You seem to be a manly fellow, but we know your true color's yellow.

Your reputation all over town? A man who fights in trousers of brown.

You impress all around with your strength, strut and abuse, but your last doxy said your "sword" was of no use.

By the Nine Hells, your mother smells!

 

[Rune]

For a medusa: "You're momma's so ugly, folk turn to stone just in case they might happen to catch a glimpse of her face!"

For an orc: "You're momma's so dumb, when she gets in a jam, she uses her head like a battering ram!"

For a succubus: "You're momma's so skank, she's the reason the rank and file are so rank!"

For a troll: "You're momma's so fat, when it gets cut away, there's not more troll to love, there's just more troll to slay!"

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I swear by the pricking of my thumb, I've not met any fool quite so dumb!

Hark! Celestial choirs sing on high: profound idiots are drawing nigh!

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I wager should I live so as
to grow a beard both long and grey
My memory will fail to hold
A greater fool than met today.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Thy visage is so ruined and ugly,
There's not enough gold to pay any to mug thee.

What is that stench so very foul
That emanates from 'neath thy cowl?
Hast thou eaten otyugh stew broth?
Didst thou dine on troglodyte loincloth?