Judgement Time
Having done that last night, you would think I would learn. Call me overenthusiastic in posting?
OK, I am online posting and I know You are dying to see the judgements. so I won't torture you any further.
Maldur
mythago vs. Berandor
Berandor
bioengineered animals, odd weapons, ruthless MIBs
Mythago
Gi's italian villages, the andrew sisters, and a ghost
Both wonderfull stories, judging was hard as both pieces had a very
different, but distinct athmostphere
[sblock]In the end my vote goes to Mythago, on pure gutfeeling.[/sblock]
thank you both for wonderfull stories though (and only mediocre smacktalk
)
BardStephenFox
Gwen by Berandor
Suicidal engineer mourns the loss of a woman he briefly loved.
This is an interesting story. I am not particularly taken with the main character. Of course, we are talking about somebody that is depressed and preparing to end it all. Gwen is a much more compelling character but her only appearance is through the narrator's memories and speculations. Now this isn't to say the characters are necessarily flat. Within the context of the story, it works quite well. I can appreciate the narrator's self deprecatory perspective. This is important because the narrator's internal conflict is really what drives this story forward.
The external conflict is easy to discern. The conflict with LabTech to retain his services helps draw in a cyberpunk flavor that meshes well with the bioengineered weapons. This culminates with Harrison deciding to destroy the lab and take Stella and her goon with him as he executes an eleborate revenge-suicide play. There is a nice, dark conflict. But it doesn't touch the seeming love-hate relationship Harrison has with himself.
We are talking about a man that creates bioengineered weapons for a living. These are weapons that little good could come from, and they are his creations. We can see the merits of a woman like Gwen through Harrison's reflections, but I never understood exactly what drove him to agree to leave his job and run away with her. It seems somewhat sudden in the story. It seems more like Harrison himself wants to run away and agrees because he has been too much a coward to push himself out the door. It is only when he recognizes that she suffered because of him that he begins to develop a spine. Even then, his resolution to the issue is self-destructive. Sure, he takes a few bad guys with him and gets a little revenge on LabTech. But if his commentary is to be believed, it is not the type of ending Gwen would have wished for him.
In all, it is a sad tale where nobody wins and there is no happy ending.
Mind you, that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Even downer stories can be good to read.
Berandor, the opening doesn't grab me in a particularly compelling way. Sure curiosity keeps me going, but the opening doesn't grab me by the shoulders and demand to be read. It is close. The first couple of sentences almost do it. Then the character drives into his compulsive timekeeping since Gwen died. For me, the device didn't quite work. I think if you rearranged things a bit, it would work better for me.
The first picture, in the plaza, is a good use of a location. But it doesn't drive the story forward in a compelling reason because it is just a location where the internal dialog is running until Stella shows up. Coming back to it at the end made it much stronger. It now has relevance because it is where the story began, and where it ends. Good call there!
Gunther the armadillo is a nifty little fellow. I appreciate that Harrison named him. But I think I would have liked it a little more if we had some feel for the potential intelligence that Harrison attributes to Gunther. If you could have somehow conveyed that Gunther despised his condition, or considered himself an abomination or something, it would have been an interesting parallel to Harrison as well as providing some potential foreshadowing.
The tree is introduced as another location. The fact that Harrison mentions it looks like a face and then he later has a conversation with it is good. We all recognize that this is an internal dialog as Harrison tries to come to grips with his grief, but having it reflected in self-criticism delivered by the tree strengthens the scene.
The use of the last picture just didn't seem compelling to me. Gwen's face showing up when he looks at other women is a good attempt to foreshadow it. However you have already established that Gwen disapproves of the work LabTech does. So why would her image appear on these people that represent LabTech? If you had clearly established that Gwen also didn't want people to be hurt, I could have appreciated it more. Harrison would have been seeing her image on these people he wanted to lash out at. His subconcscious would have been reaching out to protect them because Gwen disapproved. Coupled with a certain degree of self-loathing for returning to LabTech, it would have added a layer of complexity to the story.
The dialog was good. However the similes and metaphors were a little distracting. This isn't because they didn't work, but because some of them seemed slightly out of character. Harrison is a military bio-engineer. The frozen mammoth works for me. Shards of illusion doesn't. I could understand it better if it had been "The illusion exploded and its shrapnel shredded my heart." Confining turns of phrase to what Harrison does for a living would help underscore who he is, and who he isn't.
All of this being said, I enjoyed reading the story. I didn't necessarily like the story. You portrayed the self-destructiveness too well and that is uncomfortable. Harrison has a woman that appears to make him a better person, but without her he implodes. Bleah! But that doesn't mean it isn't a good story. I hope you understand what I mean.
Untitled by Mythago
Lonely soldier meets a long lost girl
This story has wonderful elements of a classic ghost story. Indeed, there is an indefinable creepiness that slides into the story that had me wondering what dark horror would erupt at the end. Perhaps my expectations were set by too many stories of Mythago's Delta Green games?
Charlie has good character. But the most compelling thing about him is his normality, and perhaps his morality. There is a good representation of the ancillary characters. None of them have anything particularly strong to latch onto. But realistically this is because they are background trappings. It is a good group of 'guys' that fit in the context of the story.
We have the external conflict of the war, but that is mostly the external environment that places the time period of the story. There is an slightly more subtle conflict between the soldiers, including Charlie, and the villagers. Both groups have an uneasy peace defined by a common enemy. This helps establish a level of tension in everything that Charlie does. There might be some conflict with Charlie's apparent shyness. I don't get a feeling that any of this conflict really drives the story forward, but it does provide some distraction as the reader ponders what might happen.
Let's face it, this story is about a lonely guy in a lonely town that goes exploring. When he accidentally stumbles across a collection of offerings and briefly looks through them, he feels guilty. He offers his memorial for the dead in the form of a rose and is visited by a shade of a girl that was killed. It's a good little story and I think it would be stronger taken out of the context of a Ceramic DM contest. It could lose some of the baggage associated with the pictures.
Mythago, the opening is pretty good. I'm not quite sure what to expect out of the story and you use the background tension of the war to hook me long enough to become interested in Charlie. One thing that stands out with your story is the wonderful detail. You do a great job describing the environment using multiple senses. It is something that I wish I could do better as a writer, so I envy you.
You visit the armadillo as the first picture. Sadly, this little guy doesn't have much of a place in the story. It's window dressing to help establish an ancillary character. I am not sure that if you revisited this story outside of a Ceramic DM picture context that you would keep it. Trying to reestablish significance for the aramdillo by revisiting it later didn't do much to help the significance of the picture.
You have turned the piazza into a recurring scene. This does help establish a strong location. Charlie spends much of his time here. Mostly due to his bad leg. You also do a good job establishing the piazza as the town center. You have the piazza hyperlinked early on, but you annotate it just before Alessandra shows up. It hardly matters, but I like the significance of the pic on the moonlight night the best.
The tree is given a nice twist. I certainly didn't expect it to be significant because of the collection of offerings hidden inside. To be honest, my spooky vibe was demanding the tree be somehow sinister. So I was pleasantly surprised. Charlie's pure decency for feeling guilty after looking at the offerings is wonderful. Him leaving the rose behind is touching. I think I would have liked there to be a tie with Ruggiero, Maria and the Tree toward the end. Perhaps that Allesandra always left offerings at the tree for the rest of the villagers? I'm not sure, but maybe something that would have more firmly drawn the line between Alessandra and the offering of the rose.
Sadly I am not sure where the last picture fits in. I keep looking for it and maybe it is at the end? "He covered his face in his trembling hands, knowing the calm, clear eyes of Alessandra's portrait stared back at him from a distance he could never cross again." Is that it? If so, there is a nice poetry to it. But the fact that I have to ask does not bode well.
This is a good story. It really doesn't need the pictures at all. In fact, I think the pictures almost detract from what you might have written otherwise. As I said, it is a good little story and I enjoyed reading it.
Comparison
This is a tough one for me. First off, I have probably added a lot more criticism than encouragement. I know both Berandor and Mythago can handle it though.
I don't think these stories are the strongest stories by either contestant. This is not to say that they aren't good or enjoyable to read. But I can think of other stories by both of them that have moved me more. I still enjoyed reading both stories though. My thanks to both of you!
Berandor, compared to some of your other stories this one feels a bit forced. You have an interesting, if depressing, concept with the story. But I would be lying if I said I hoped you investigate it further. It could be cleaned up and be made into a better story and if you do decide to do that I hope my comments are helpful.
Mythago, you have a nice classic ghost story and that helps it to ring true on many levels. It is a nice little read, but I am familiar with a number of ghost stories with similar themes. It is a little cliche in that regards. You did a nice job dressing it up in a different environment though. However the picture use seemed to be more of a hindrance for you. As a short story for a magazine, you could make this very nice. But for Ceramic DM, I think the picture use costs you.
[sblock]I enjoyed reading Mythago's story more. It didn't depress me as much as Berandor's story did. But I think Berandor ends up with stronger picture use in the context of the contest. Especially since I am not 100% sure where the last picture belongs in Mythago's story. My judgement goes to Berandor.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Ceramic DM Judgement Berandor v Mythago
Berandor:
A good story -- genetic engineering, government conspiracies, and a lot of emotion. The emotional impact would have been greater if the story didn't start in media res -- knowing Gwen's fate from the beginning makes the interludes stronger but the overall tone weaker. The story also lives a little too much in the mind of the protagonist -- more detail on the world, especially the labs, would have grounded things better. Still, as usual with Berandor, the prose and dialog are both excellent, and the story has a nice (if predictable) arc. Picture use is good to excellent, with the mutant armadillo a standout.
Mythago --
An interesting combination -- what starts as a WWII soldiers' tale ends as a ghost story. Very well done, and an excellent blend of genres. The setting and characters are exceptionally well drawn, and the dialog does a wonderful job of evoking that of the war movies of the era. The 'falling in the rosebush' part was quite funny. The setup is stronger than the resolution, however, and the groundwork for the twist at the end could have been better laid. Picture use is good, but not great, with nothing being really integral to the story.
[sblock]Judgement: Two superb and quite different stories. Berandor's has a better emotional arc, Mythago's better characters and dialog. Overall, about as close to a tie as I've ever seen in Ceramic DM, but I have to give hair's edge to Berandor for the armadillo pic, as it took the wierd at face value and used it in as a key part of the tale.[/sblock]
And the winner is: [sblock]Berandor 2 votes to 1. Congratulations Berandor![/sblock]
One with really crappy phone lines and no air-conditioning (the house will be 100 years old next year!). But its still nice to be able to walk a block and go swimming, walk the boardwalk checking out the, uh, view, and then stop for ice cream on the way back. Of course, I just put on 10 lbs despite the walks...
4,000 just left me with the basic plot. And Gunther was, to me at least, always just a dumb animal and never more intelligent than your run of the mill armAdillo. Perhaps that was a mistake, though.
