[CoC] A Comedy of Cthulhu

[DM with a vengence]

Today we begin with Marta, currently in the Arkham University Restricted Section. She wandered around more or less aimlessly, looking for something. She found a scroll of papyrus covered in hieroglyphics, and an old leather bound book. She flipped it open, on the cover page below some language she couldn’t read was a strange sigil like a squid’s head. It was thirsty, it wanted her blood, her warm, red, nourishing blood, the blood, the vital blood, the warm red vital blood coursing thorough her body. It needed the blood!

She snapped the cover page closed, and pull another book off a stack. It was made of skin, human skin; she tossed it away in horror. It landed, skittered on the floor, and fell open to a page with an engraving of the grim reaper standing over a field of dead bodies. It was captioned in another language she couldn’t read.

Gathering up her new treasures, she went to the head librarian’s office. “Excuse me, to you have a box I could borrow? I want to take these books to get photocopied.”
The head librarian spluttered, coffee spilling over his desk. “Photocopy? These priceless works of art? Put them down and get out of my library now! Your access has been revoked!”
“But I have permission to be here from the Dean.”
“And I’m revoking it. You have stated that you are intending to damage my books. Put them down and leave!” He tried to show her out the door, and failed miserably due many years lifting nothing heavier than an old tome once in a while.

Marta put her head back and wailed. “Rape! Rape!”
The head librarian looked at her, and started to scream as well. “Rape! She’s going to rape the books!” A group of assistant librarians ran into the office, and stared at them. “Take us to the dean’s office. I want her access revoked.” The librarian said.
“Take us to the Dean’s office, I want him fired. Rape!” Marta screamed, pointing at him. The assistant librarians escorted them to the dean’s office.

After vanquishing the Mi-Go, Nikki flew up to the top of one of the pillars that stood in for trees and took a look around. There was a large clump of strange rock outcropping about ten miles away. She materialized a compass, and found out that they were to the east. She jumped down and addressed the refugees. “I saw some rock outcropping about 10 miles away, everybody get jetpacks, and we’ll fly over there. All of them created jetpacks, but only 10 took off. “Okay, you ten, you’re my lieutenants, organize squads of then people and put yourself if command. Now that way.” She marched off through the woods, people following her.

After about ten minutes, one of the lieutenants flew down to her. “Hey, where the hell are you going? The outcroppings over there.” She consulted her compass, they were still heading east.
“Okay, that way then.” Nikki shrugged and altered direction, following the new heading on the compass.

This scene happened several more times, with the direction altering each time, until the lieutenant came back down. “You suck. I’m taking my squad and getting out of here, we’ll find our own way back home. All you’re doing is heading to those outcroppings, and you’re failing at that. See ya.”
“Traitor!” Nikki screamed, sending a bolt of white fire at him. He dropped to the ground and rolled, shooting his own ball of white fire at her. It burst into whisps inches from her face and she materialized an Uzi, firing at him with bullets of flame. He dodged some and destroyed the rest, and charged her with a glowing sword. She tried to fly away, but failed. He hit her, leaving a burned cut on her leg. She tried to fix it, but could focus her mind. The man hit her again, and everything faded to black.

Something licked her face. She opened her eyes and saw a cat sitting on her chest, looking at her. “Stupid cat, where the hell am I?” She grabbed the cat and flung it aside. She tried to get up, but was too weak, she was too tired to move her head from side to side. The world narrowed to a black tunnel with a point of light at the end of it.

 

[DM with a vengence]

Nikki floated towards the light, unfortunately, it was, as they say, on fire. She burst through and for a moment saw a mass of dark protoplasmic tentacles spreading to infinity. The thin piping of a flute reached her ears as her mind took one look at everything, gibbered twice, and fell apart.

Cultists and Outer Gods-2. Investigators-4.

Marta and the Librarian made it to the Deans office, where he asked for their stories. “I went to his office to talk to him, and he tried tom push me down and rape me! Rape!” He nodded, and looked over to the librarian.
“She came into my office with a stack of books from the restricted section, and asked for a box so she could take them to get photocopied. Photocopied! Do you know what the bright lights would do to those fragile books.” He grabbed a large dictionary from a book shelf and slammed it down onto the desk, spreading the pages out. Everybody winced as the spine cracked. “She would have destroyed them. I demand to have here access to the restricted section revoked. How did she get access anyway?”
Marta gulped. “Could I make a phone call.”

David’s cell phone rung just as he was taking a fiber sample from the carpet. “Hello, David Chaise, Parapyschologist, what can I debunk for you? What do you mean ‘In the dean’s office’? Crap. I’ll be down there ASAP.” He stood up. “Folks, I need to see someone, I’ll be back in 30.”

“We’re doing a brief investigation on how secure parts of the college are, sir.” David explained to the incredulous crowd. “We got your signature and forged a restricted section access. Marta was assigned to infiltrate the restricted section, it seemed harmless.”
The librarian blanched. “Harmless? Harmless? Those books are restricted for a reason. I’m just glad she’s still in one piece, especially after the incident three years ago.”
“Well since nothing was damage, I’ll let you get away with this one, but next time, tell someone before planning anything like this.” The Dean smiled.
David and Marta left the room.

David rejoined his class, and they then drove to the site of the rave. It was completely empty, with no signs of mankind except for a single set of tire tracks leading to and away from the meadow. The class began taking tests; David pulled out a pocket magnetometer, and turned it on. The needle jumped to the red zone, and the device began to spark. He turned it off and took out a map of Arkham and drew a circle from the dorm to the field, looking for any other fields of considerable size. “Okay people. I want us to split up and go to these fields and do the works, infrared, UV, photo, soil samples, magnetometer, and get it all tested. We meet back at Dr. Morgan’s office at 5:00.” The class rushed off to their appointed tasks, chattering about how cool it was to get some field experience.

Later, in Dr. Morgan’s office. “Anybody pick up anything.”
“Uh, David, wasn’t that first field the site of that big rave?”
“Yes.”
“We didn’t see a single sign of people. There should have been something there, at least a water bottle or glowstick.”
“Right, where did it all go?”
“Crap my friend was at that rave.”
David spoke up. “Bill, I think you should get a video camera on that.”

And in other news:
Marta picked up Saquina at the hospital, and John ran into Crazy Mental Patient Leopold at the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.

 

[Marta]

yup, I know...I didn't have a clue how to get out of the Dean's office...

 

[Saquina]

Well honestly how were you going to get out of that Dean's office??? It was kinda an impossible situation in my opinion. And just one question for our DM...is that really the end of Nikki??? Did she just die because of the white light??? That's kinda weird...please explain what exactly happened??? Hehe I thought that it was a good idea to put Nikki in "dreamland"...it kept her out of trouble and provided some great laughs!!! Oh well...see ya guys at school tomorrow!!!

-Saquina

 

[kaboom]

*ROTFL*

You guys are the best!

 

[dosdavid]

have a hunger for the next instalment?

have a hunger for the next enstalment you should.
in the next instalment

SECRET SOCITYS

GHOSTS

MAD OCCULTISTS

POLYGRAPH TESTS

DESTRUCTION

AND

THINGS YOU JUST DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!

you next instalment coming soon!

post scipt: sorry for the agreduce spelling errors

 

[DM with a vengence]

The long awaited update, this one is pure gold!

David was feeling the effects of more than 24 hours without sleep, so he took a brief nap on the couch in Dr. Morgan’s office before calling a cab to get back to the dorms (less than ¾ of a mile). About halfway there, a large truck pulled across the road in front of him and two guys got out and began to unload things, blocking his path. Weighing the odds, he decided to get out and walk the rest of the way to his room.

When he arrived, standing outside his door was a young woman, breathing heavily. “Hello. Are you David Chaise?”
“Yes.” He answered slightly puzzled.
“I want you to go check out a ghost, a friend of mine has had some weird experiences, and another friend who I mentioned it to said that you were studying Parapsychology, and might be able to help.”
“Yeah, that’d be me. Why are you breathing heavily?”
“Asthma attack.” She wheezed, “Its just a minor one, I’ll be fine.”
“Okay, I a little tired right now, so if I could meet you tomorrow morning at coffee shop somewhere that’d be good.” He said.
“Sounds fine with me.” She replied.
“I didn’t catch your name.” David said.
“Dudash, Jeanne Dudash.”

“Hello, I’m a student at Miskatonic researching lost civilizations. Do you have any original sources, maybe some old books or a restricted section. Bastards, just hung up.” Marta crossed off another college in her almanac and called the last one on her list, a little place called Weaslyn. “Hello, I’m a student at Miskatonic researching lost civilizations. Do you have any original sources, maybe some old books or a restricted section. You do? Great, I’ll be over there first thing in the morning.” She left a note for Saquina, caught a bus to the train station, and bought one ticket to Weaslyn, checking her self into a motel there at about 3:00 in the morning.

“That’s really very interesting, but could we please see the house now.” David sipped his triple latte mocha cappuccino.
“Sure, it’s just down this way.” Jeanne Dudash stood up and walked down a few blocks. The house she indicated was an old 18th-19th sea captains house that had been converted to a boarding house for several students. “It’s in the attic. My friend says that sometimes when he’s walking home, he sees strange lights in his window, and that his closets slams open and shut and the toilet flushes unexpectedly.”
“Sounds like he needs a plumber, not me.” David joked as he climbed up the several flights of stairs.

She indicated a door set in the cramped hallway. “This is it.”
“Ladies first.” He opened the door and gestured her inside. Then he took out an infrared camera and looked at the wall. There was a warm spot on the wall, like someone was standing against it. He peaked around the doorframe, and just dodged a rapidly descending nightstick. He rushed inside and tried to the rip the nightstick out a man’s hands. He grabbed at it when Jeanne said, “Freeze.” She was holding a very small, very deadly pistol. “Put the bag down and sit in the chair.” She indicated a sturdy wooden armchair near the center of the room. He complied, and the man tied him down at the wrists, ankles and waist. Jeanne hooked up a polygraph and then calibrated it.
“Okay, what happened last night?” She demanded, studying the printout.
“What are you talking about?” David asked innocently.
“Can it, wise guy. Something happened last night because a group we keep track of were there, and you contacted them. If this mattered involved something slightly criminal, don’t worry we aren’t the government. We aren’t interested in prosecuting.”
He sighed. “All right. Last night I went to a rave with my friends. We left midway through, minus one person who we weren’t able to find. When we arrived back at the dorm, there was a strange glow in the top floor. When we looked inside, some sort of warp blocked the top of the stairs. I managed to pass through and found two people in strange robes watching the rave on a small TV. It was covered in mist and disappeared, and they said that that was good. I attacked them, disarmed one of his gun and used it to shoot them both. I cleaned up the scene, and then called the police. When I tried to go back up some freaky agent dude was there. Yesterday I went up there with my class, and then I went to the rave site. I won’t go into more detail, because there are copies of my report in the bag, but it was very weird.” He indicated the bag of equipment.
“Thank you, you’ve been most helpful.” Jeanne said. “Just remember, be careful. There are forces out there greater than you can comprehend, and you might have made them very angry. We’ll be in touch.”
“And now you inject me with a sedative and I wake up in my bed.” David said, half if jest.
“You people sometimes take all the fun out of this business.” Everything went black.

The restricted section at Weaslyn had nothing that she wanted to know. It was mostly just old and fragile books, not old and arcane tomes. Marta finally gave up in disgust after spending half a day there. She walked back to her motel to start calling schools and collectors around the country in search of what she wanted when a young woman in white pants and a black T-shirt emblazoned with stars stepped in front of her. “Hello, I’m Tammy. Basho said that you were looking for knowledge.” She tilted her head to one side and smiled.
“Uh, hello.” Marta replied, startled by Tammy. “Who are you and who’s Basho.”
“I’m an Acolyte of Stars, and Basho is our leader. He knows lots of things. He knows what you are looking for.”
Marta found Tammy’s short simple sentences and constant smiling very unnerving, but continued anyway. “What am I looking for?” She asked, nearly mesmerized.
“The truth that will set you free on the Path to the Stars. Basho knows the Path. Will you go with us?” Tammy smiled again.
“Could I have a moment to think about it?” Marta asked.
“Sure!” Tammy almost yelled.
Marta ran back to her motel room and grabbed her stuff, then made a few phone calls. “Saquina, I’m coming back to Arkham, could you pick me up at the station at 3:00? Thanks.”

After an uneventful train ride, and an equally uneventful drive back to Miskatonic U, they pulled up infront of the dorm. Occupying 6 parking spaces was an old school bus painted black with white stars and filled with people. Tammy stepped out and waved. “Hello Marta!”

David woke up in his bed, it was 4:00. His bag of Parapyschology tools was next to the door, minus his reports. He cleaned himself up and went over to Dr. Morgan’s office. Dr. Morgan was pacing the room in a panic. “David! Where the hell were you?”
“With some friends.” David said dryly. “Did something happen?”
“Someone broke in and trashed the lab. The samples, my equipment, all ruined!” Dr. Morgan wailed.
David looked in, the lab was indeed a mess, with hardware smashed, papers in the sink and already disintegrating, and samples dumped on the floor. The window was open, and by marks around the frame David could tell that it had been forced. It lead to a small grassy area that abutted the main parking lot that then sloped down to Miskatonic Sound. In the flowerbed outside the window were a pair or poorly preserved footprints. David walked outside and examined them, they were size 11 dress shoes. He poured plaster in the casts and waited, wondering what to do next.

“So Marta, are you coming with us?” Tammy asked.
“Umm, I’m not certain.” Marta said, put off by Tammy’s wierdness.
“We hold the answers you want to know. Answers that can only be obtained by walking the Path. Do you want to go on the Path?” Tammy asked again.
“I’ll go.” Saquina said. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Reluctantly, Marta and Saquina got on the bus, which was filled with young people from age 16 to 25.
“Come on folks.” Tammy said as the bus shuddered to a start. “Lets have a sing along.”

To the tune of “Rise and shine, and give God your glory glory
Cthulhu Fhtagn, Cthulhu Fhtagnie-tangie
Cthulhu Fhtagn, Cthulhu Fhtagnie-tangie
Eat their souls, and drive them insanie-sanie
Children of Chaos

In dead R’lyeh, Cthulhu lies dreaming dreaming
In dead R’lyeh, Cthulhu lies dreaming dreaming
Insane dreams without meaning meaning
Children of Chaos

Cthulhu will be free whe-en the stars are right
Cthulhu will be free whe-en the stars are right
And with the stars will come, eternal night
Children of Chaos…..

They drove off into the sunset.

 

[DM with a vengence]

The Final Update (Guess what happens)

After a drive about three hours, the Starbus pulled up inside the Path compound, with its double 12 foot chain-link razor-wire topped fences and squads of guards in camouflage carrying assault rifles. Besides the guards, most of the people in the camp were wearing loose white pants and tunics made out of crude linen. As they got off the bus, a group of Acolytes handed everybody the uniforms and told them to get dressed in the changing building, then come back out for an orientation movie.

The changing building was a large plank shed with dozens of dressing room stalls. Marta and Saquina went into their respective stalls and changed. Saquina changed and left her clothes on the floor, just like the sign said, but Marta elected to just put the clothing on over her street clothes and conceal useful items such as food, cash, and her cell phone in her pockets.

After changing the newcomers were ushered into another building with rows of folding chairs, a projection booth, and a movie screen. On of the acolytes turned on the projector, which started a poorly acted, directed, and written nonsensical movie with special effects that make ‘Southpark’ look like the latest CGI masterpiece from Lucasfilm. The basic plot went something like this:

“At the beginning of the universe there were three great forces, the universal gods. Shug-Niggurath, creation, Yog Sothoth , time, and the mightiest of all, Azathoth, the God of Destruction. Acting together, these three created, destroyed, and perpetuated the universe. The are served by galactic races powerful and wise beyond any human knowledge, and by the greatest of their servants, the Great Old Ones. We are most fortunate to be host to several of these massive creatures, and the Path of the Stars will make us more like them. They came from the stars, and the Path will allow us to climb it. Basho is the most wise and enlightened of us all, and he leads us all to our rightful place in the sky. Chief among the Great Old Ones is Cthulhu, who lies dreaming in the sunken city of R’yleh…”

The movie continued in the same fashion for 2 hours and 57 minutes, when it mercifully finished.

The initiates were ushered out of the building, into an open area, where the entire compound was gathered around a raging bonfire. Three people dressed in red robes emblazoned with eldritch symbols walked through the crowd up to the fire, and the center stretched his arms out in front of him. The cult fell to the ground, bowing and murmuring “Basho, Basho!” Marta and Saquina followed their movements, trying not to attract much attention.
The leader stepped forward and spoke imperiously. “Acolytes! Today we have taken a step forward, for we have recovered an artifact of incredible power.” He held in one hand a fist sized black gemstone that glinted ruddily in the fire light. “This will allow us to continue on our path. But, with each gain comes a loss. I have discovered a traitor among us, who has been working with forces holding our masters imprisoned.” The stone disappeared, in its place was a dagger. Basho slammed the knife down into the chest of the person on his left, the yanked the blade out and pushed the corpse into the fire. The body burst into flames, blue, then red, then yellow. “So suffer all traitors!” Basho yelled.
“So suffer all traitors!” The cultists echoed.
Basho and the remaining robed person retreated, and the crowd began to dissipate. “I’m going to try something.” Marta whispered to Saquina.
Marta fell to the ground and began to flail her limbs wildly. “Cthulhu Ftagn! Oh God, save me! Help! Cthulhu Ftagn! Cthulhu Ftagn! Cthulhu Ftagn!” She stood up, and said in a deep, commanding, and possessed voice. “My servants, this body contains my most powerful daughter, who you are to respect in every way. My power will smite anybody who disrespects her. Do what she says, and all will be fine.” Marta crumpled to ground bonelessly as people came running over.

“According to the Acolytes, you had a very interesting attack after the Starfire.” Basho said, toying with the gemstone.
“I… I don’t understand, your eminence.” Marta mumbled.
“You were possessed by the power of Cthulhu and he said that you were his daughter. If that is true, then can you use this.” He handed her the stone, at close range Marta could see it was banded black and red. “What do you see?”
Marta looked into the stone, seeing nothing. “Aaiiiiieeeee! This is dedicated to another. Destroy it, my father commands.”
“Destroy my precious?” Basho asked. “You presume too much. Can your father protect you from this?” He reached his hand out and closed it into a fist, muttering strange words. Marta leapt towards him, and then something grabbed her, squeezing her. She couldn’t breath, the force was crushing the life out of her. Black spots danced before her eyes, and then everything was black.

Marta awoke tied down in a chair, according to the clock on the wall it was 3:00 in the morning. Basho looked up from the stone. “Too bad, Marta, you seemed like you were going somewhere. Good night.” He replaced the stone in a gold box, closed it, and walked out, turning off the lights.

Something filled the darkness of the room with a hiss. “Hello.” Marta said, peering into the darkness. “Is anybody here? Oh. Crap.”

Saquina was engaged in a late night discussion about the greatness of Basho when his office building exploded in a shower of splinters. A spear of solid darkness shot out and vaporized a group of cultists. The guards were opening fire, but their bullets couldn’t harm it. The spear shot towards the cluster of generators, and all over the compound, the lights died. Screams filled the air as guards and cultists were ripped apart by the darkness the whisked around the camp killing people left and right. Saquina turned and saw a burning red eye divided into three sections…

David couldn’t find out anything else, so he was taking a walk along Miskatonic Sound to clear his head and get some new ideas. He was the only person in sight along a stretch of sandy strand when he heard a splash and a hiss from behind him. He turned, drawing a Browning Hi-Power pistol and saw a creature that should have been coming from the Black Lagoon, not nice peaceful Miskatonic Sound. He sighted on the creature and fired, emptying the clip. The creature dropped, blood spurting from half a dozen wounds. David heard a hiss behind him and felt cold, fishy breath on his neck. As he whirled to confront this new threat, it occurred to him that he was out of ammo, and the thing had very big claws…

No suspect was ever apprehended in the murder of David Chais, however there has always been some puzzlement over what he shot at, or why was there a grizzly bear next to Miskatonic Sound.

The constant isolation of the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane was slowly eating away at the normally sane Jonathan’s mind. He had started to have nightmares, and then night terrors. Treatment was ineffective, and eventually he was found in his room covered in 2 inch sucker marks and drained of all blood. No one was certain how it happened, and the case was quietly hushed up.

Jacob and Jessica avoided the Mythos fates the occurred to their friends, but on a sad note, both were run over by an old school bus belonging to a new-age religion. The driver was charged with involuentary manslaughter, but skipped bail. No charges were were pressed against the Road to Space or their leader, Basho.

 

[Horacio]

Funniest. All Party Kill. Ever.


So all of them are dead... Poor boys and girls...

 

[Dinkeldog]

So you just decided to play something else, right?