Dealing with Difficult People

[Hijinks]

I've recently been having issues with my father. He's a very "difficult" personality; he is overly critical of everything and he is never pleased with anything that a person does. I am a rather laid-back easygoing personality, and it's hard for me to just take his jibes and griping and let it slide off my back. Recently, he retired, and his grumpiness has gotten much worse.

I was discussing it with my sister, who is also a "diffcult" personality herself - she's a very A-type go-go-go personality who always gives her opinion on the right way to do things and if you disagree you're wrong and she spends a lot of time explaining why you're wrong and she's right.

Anyway, she was telling me about her mother-in-law, who sounds like a class-A (bad word). This woman's daughter was visiting once and her daughter, who is 6, woke up from a nap and the grandmother (my sister's MIL) demanded a hug that very instant. When the child didn't run over and give it, the grandmother lit into her daughter (the child's mother) about how horrible a parent she is to not show her daughter how to give affection, and she (the grandmother) was deeply hurt by not receiving a hug, etc. It caused a huge row.

My sister buys this woman expensive jewelry every birthday and Christmas, whether they can afford it or not, and is constantly calling her to tell her how much she loves her, and is training her own son to always say he loves his grandma and tell her she's pretty. As a result, the woman favors my sister's son over any other grandchild and always acts like he can do no wrong; this apparently pleases my sister, that she can succeed in pleasing this woman who doesn't get along with her own daughters. The woman's daughters do what I would do with such a difficult person; they limit their own children's contact with her because her actions are detrimental to the child's self-esteem (this woman freaks out about EVERYTHING).

I guess I just don't understand. My sister swears it's better to coddle this woman and treat her like she's so awesome, just so she doesn't freak out and fight with her. I'm trying to find a way to work things out with my dad, and I find myself pulling further away from him in order to avoid the hurtful things he does and says. I just can't bring myself to suck up to someone who does mean things to me, and tell him he's great, just so he'll stop being mean. He treats my sister like she's the favorite, because she's born him a grandson (which I have not) and because she kisses up to him.

Does anyone have a person like this in their life that they're able to work things out with? I love my dad but at this point, if I have children, their contact with him will be limited, because of his hurtful words and actions. My children's self-esteem is more important to me than coddling a man's feelings. My sister says he doesn't have a problem; I say he does because his actions hurt other people. If something you're doing, or a way you're behaving, hurts other people, it's your problem, isn't it? Or is it their problem for feeling hurt?

(An example of things he's done to me - nothing horrible or Oprah-worthy, but still hurtful: when I was a teenager and overweight he would say "you shouldn't wear that, it makes you look fatter" or "you don't need to drink that Pepsi, you're too fat." Once, Oprah did a show about overweight teenagers and how they need their parents support to lose weight, and I asked him to watch it with me, and he wouldn't. I'm 30 years old and he still criticizes my job, what I eat - and I eat very well, lots of fruit and vegetables - and picks on me for my weight. When I try to explain to him that I broke my back 10 years ago, which limits my physical activity, he says "Oh baloney!" He just has no idea his actions and words are hurtful).

 

[the Jester]

I have found that, in the long run, the best thing to do is to explain what they do that hurts you, why it hurts you, and what you think would be a good solution. Failing that, don't spend much time with them.

I know that sounds cold, but life is too short to spend with people who need to tear you down in order to build themselves up. I learned this lesson a few years back after years of beating my head against it: some people, while important in one way or another, aren't worth being around without a good reason. :\

 

[Hijinks]

That's what I've always thought too; I was a very shy teenager but in my 20's I gained some self-esteem and started speaking up when something someone did offended me. Yet I can never get it across to my father that he hurts me when he does these things.

When I suggested to my sister that I should tell him that he hurts me - after all, a person won't know there's a problem until they see it for themselves, and how can a person know their behavior is hurtful unless the hurtee speaks up - and she says that's very very wrong and it will only make him mad.

I feel that if I keep it inside and never say anything, eventually there's going to be that straw that breaks the camel's back and I will blow up at hiim and unleash all of my hurt, and he will blame me for not speaking up sooner. I can easily foresee us never speaking again after that. I don't want that to happen

I just can't believe kissing someone's rear end is the way to deal with people like this.

 

[reveal]

Kill them and take their stuff.

Seriously, though, I've never had to deal with a situation like this, although my mother-in-law is a tamed down version. My recommendation to you: Talk to your father and tell him what he does hurts you. If he can't/won't understand, then remove yourself from the situation. Yes, that means no more communication. It's harsh but there's only so much you can do. He can't be "fixed" and you are just going to end up being hurt more and more. In the end, it is his decision to realize that, regardless of his rationalization, your feelings are just as valid as his and deserve to be taken seriously. My grandmother, recently, has said some nasty things to myself and my father. We both, essentially, cut off communication with her because we tried for years to foster a better relationship, to no avail.

As for your sister, there's nothing you can do about it, so don't try. If you love your nephew, continue to visit him and talk to him but respect your sister's way of living. Is what your sister does wrong? Yes. No one should be forced to buy anothers affections. But that's not your call; it's hers. You just make sure you help your nephew grow up as well-adjusted as possible, because he's the one who's going to get hurt out of all this.

 

[Kanegrundar]

My uncle and great-aunt are this way. Ticks me off everytime I'm around them, so I simply don't see them except around the holidays...which are stressful enough, but my uncle's house is big enough that I only have to be around them for the dinner and any gift exchange. Saves me the hassle of possibly blowing up at them.

Kane

 

[Hijinks]

Thank you for your responses. I've always felt like I was doing something wrong by being hurt by the things he does & says. At least now I know I'm not alone.

 

[Rl'Halsinor]

I (Master of Arts in Clinical Counseling) have run several group therapy sessions over the past two years using the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Inevitably every person who finished th class would say, "If I had known these truths when I was younger I would have saved myself much grief and pain." Controlling people, believe it or not, are fearful people. They have to control for if they can control other people and the situations around them then there is a sense of safety. But in a very real sense they take no responsiblity for their life because they are always demanding that other people do the changing, other people meet their demands, other people change their thinking, rather than they taking responsibility for their devaluing of others, poor attitudes, and manipulation that can border on pathological obsession. Controlling people cannot hear the word "no" ("no," by the way, is the very first and important boundary every human being must learn in order to be a healthy individual), but they have little if any trouble telling you "no." Basically the contollers here are saying a resounding NO to your and others boundaries. There is little regard for your person, your desires, your opinions, and your dreams.

As for the grandmother, true love cannot be demanded it can only be freely shown, freely given. Grandma needs deep, long-term counseling.

If I may also say, Hijinks, your laid-back ways may very well be a coping mechanism of countering the abusive example of your father. Trust me, I have so much in common with you its not funny. I wish I could talk to you face to face. There is a ton more I could share that would be helpful. And, yes, protect the children.

 

[Hijinks]

I was hoping someone here would have some counseling experience and could offer some advice Although all of the responses have cheered me up greatly!

I'm going to get that book for myself, and a copy for my sister, and we'll read it together.

She insists the grandmother doesn't have a problem, she was just raised herself by an abusive mother and so she can't help it :\

I did see a counselor myself a couple of years ago for 6 sessions (all that my employer offered for free) so that I could better learn why I have trouble dealing with strong difficult personalities, and the counselor told me it was shame, and had me buy all of these books about shame. Never did read 'em. Maybe I should....

 

[Pigeon]

I'm a mental health nurse - not that that really qualifies me over other people. Sometimes you just have to make a choice between tolerating difficult people (but being awair of their faults and trying not to put too much value on what they say) and basically cutting someone out of your life.

The main reason I hit the reply button however is to point anyone who is interested in shame or low self esteem or the like at a book called "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" by Melanie Fennell. I've used it with a lot of my clients and its good stuff.

 

[Abstraction]

About ten years ago, I wrote a letter to my family and let them know that I wasn't going to be seeing any of them again, ever. I moved and changed my phone number. In all that time, I have to say that I have never regretted it. The only thing I regret is not having a family that was worth a damn, but that was something that wasn't going to change.