Dealing with Difficult People

[Wyn A'rienh]

Hi Hijinks,

I could have written your post.

I don't have anything constructive to add, as I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. But I wanted to let you know that you are most definitely not alone. And thanks, for making this post, as I've benefited from the responses as well.

 

[Desdichado]

My wife's relationship with her parents used to be sorta like this too. She also used to kinda suck up to them, out of habit I think more than anything else, and she didn't want me to jeopardize her relationship with them by saying what I really thought.

It finally changed as my wife gradually lost her patience with them, and one incidence where I did lose my cool and tell them off just a bit. We had thought that we'd need to move out of town to improve our relationship with them by simply not seeing them much, but after that event (which occured about a year and a half before we moved) they sorta changed how they treated my wife in many regards. By the time we left, my wife had drastically improved her relationship (especially with her mother, who was by far the worse of the two.)

The price of that, of course, is that now they don't like me, but I'm OK with that.

I'm not sure if that helps you in your situation or not, but it worked for us anyway.

 

[Shallown]

I think two things are important in this case.

First you are responsible for only you so what ever choices you make should be from that point of veiw. You are not responsible for how others act only your self.

Second you teach people how to treat you. If you allow people tobe abusive they are going to be abusive if that is their nature. You can allow it or leave it that is up to you.

I think you have to weigh relationships to know if they are worth it. I know everyone has there flaws and downfalls that makes dealing with them an effort but is that effort worth the reward of knowing them. I stood up to my parents years ago and basically told them (since they had seemingly forgotten) that I was an adult and didn't take orders from them any more. I loved them they loved me and we had a great relationship but they crossed a line and I let them no without any hositility just a plain and simple honest responce. Since then they haven't tried to give me orders ever. Now things are always request. And we still have a great relationship.

I believe a great deal in the I statements and such to express how you feel and not saying You make me feel this way becuase ultimately how you feel is somewhat up to you. I know we all have our limits in how much we can conrtol how we feel but you can learn to not let things hurt as much. Or As I put it "I've been called worse by better people".

When your father says something hurtful just ask calmly how does that help? If you question it each and everytime eventually you will get through or realize the effort of getting through is not worth it to you.

My mom says things that annoy the hell out of me but it is not worth the fight to me to do something about it. I accept it as part of who she is. I teach her it is okay to treat me that way becuase ultimatley it is okay.

Later

 

[Harmon]

Hijinks,

My suggestion to you is fairly simple- "please don't say things like that to me, its insulting and hurtful," when an insult is given. If it happens a second time then leave without a word. If asked why you left- "I didn't want to deal with the verbal abuse anymore," and if you feel up to it explain.

They have to know they are being abusive, but they can't be pushed to change only shown that their abuse is hurting someone that they are suppose to care about. If you leave their presence then you are showing them you don't want to be around them.

Take care, remember that you are a good person, that you can over come the abuse. It will take years to defeat them in your own mind, but you can.

Harmon

 

[danzig138]

I'm going to reply to this before I read anyone else's response, so bear with me if I repeat anything (Disclaimer below*).

Near as I can tell, when dealing with people like this, you have three basic choices:
1. Take it. Don't bring it up, don't confront or talk to them about it, just take it. This is a bad choie IMO. I think if you just sit and take it, it will eventually eat you up inside. Especially if it comes from more than one person.

2. Minimize or end contact. Either gradually or abruptly minimize or even completely end your contact with the offending person. You have to deal with less of the grief, but things are never resolved. I think this choice is only slightly better than number 1.

3. Confront them. Now, you can do this politely or not. Say "Look, I don't know if you know it, but the things you say, and the way you talk to me hurt alot. It makes me want to not be around you or deal with you. I'd like to have a good relationship with you, but I'm not here for your amusment, or for you to belittle. I deserve your respect, and I'd like to make this work, but you're going to have to work at it also. It can't just be me caving to you."

This is the best choice IMO. I firmly believe that if you have a problem with someone, and it doesn't matter if it's friends, coworkers, or family (who, for some reason, some people think you should just "accept" as they are), you need to at the very least, bring it into the light. Now, sometimes, trying to be rational isn't going to work with some people. Why? Because some people just suck. If, after you try to talk to them about it, they just aren't willing to work with you, then you need to say "@#!! it then, I'm done." And cut them out. Period. Some people are just toxic, and you don't need that. It's unhealthy for you mentally (and I imagine that easily becomes a physical issue as well). And it doesn't matter their relationship to you. You need to figure out if having the person in your life has more benefits for you than negatives. If not, drop em. You'll be better off in the long run.

*I am not a doctor or any type of mental health or relationship professional. But I have known people in my life who were bad for me mentally. So the above comes from personal experience only.

 

[Philip]

The way to handle this behaviour is a just combination of reward and extinction. The grumpy personalities may have perfectly good intentions, and they may or may not agree with you assessment if you talk about it with them. Knowing what to change, agreeing to change and actually changing are wholly separate things.

If they give you the unpleasant treatment, ignore them or leave, just don't reward them by giving them any kind of attention, after all, that's what they are probably (even if only subconscious) craving. If they do make pleasant comments, be sure to thank them and praise them profusely.

 

[devilbat]

I'm one of those type A personalities that tends to take over situations, and be a tad blunt on occasion. If I'm dealing with someone who is mousey or introverted, I will continue to roll over them for as long as they allow it. Hey, it's not the greatest character trait, but it's the truth.

On the other hand, if someone calls me on my actions. If they let me know that something I said hurt or bothered them, I am generally mortified, and I think HARD before speaking the next time.

Perhaps it's time to find your voice. Tell your dad he's hurting you. If that doesn't work, go on the offensive with him. Find the things that he does that may be looked down on, and bite back. Don't take the verbal abuse, abuse back. I admit this probably isn't the best advice, as it will create more conflict, but thats what I would do. I'm on the overweight side, and one of my brother in law used to give me a hard time about it. So, I brought him in the racquet ball court with me. He didn't even make it through warm ups, before he had to quit. It was the last time I ever heard a weight comment.

 

[Chimera]

I've known so many people in this life who have completely written off their parents and/or parts of their family. It is truly sad, but in virtually every case, I completely support what these people have done for their own safety and peace of mind.

My father was very abusive. I put an end to the physical abuse when I was 16. Not going to go into that here. At the age of 22, I taught him a lesson about the verbal stuff by leaving him standing on a staircase holding the bottom end of a very heavy freezer. For ten minutes. I simply got sick of his abuse, told him that I wasn't going to take it anymore and walked back into the house, leaving him standing there unable to move. Ten minutes later I walked out and told him that he was never going to speak to me that way again or he would never see me again as long as he lived. Only when he showed me that he 'got the message' did I help him finish moving the freezer. It produced as much of a radical change in his behavior as the physical solution did.

About fifteen years later, while helping me work on my own house, he fell back into the old patterns and crossed the line. While he was standing on a ladder holding a heavy window, I refused to take the window from his hands while I cut loose on him verbally. I told him that it was my house and I ruled there. That I would not tolerate him speaking to me in that manner in my own house or my own yard and that he could stop that crap that very moment or he could pack up, go home and never return.

My father has "gotten it" over the years and made major strides in NOT being the man he was when I was younger. A good portion of that I credit to my willingness to speak up and conflict with him when it came to his behavior towards me.


A few years back my sister and brother-in-law started having problems with his mother. Man, that woman is evil! Telling him that he's a bad father, telling him he's a bad son, badmouthing my sister, ignoring their step-granddaughter, etc. Finally they cut her off for a while, having no contact. At the same time, his sister and her husband also cut her off - kind of a family boycott of their own mother. At present, they're keeping contact to a minimum and watching carefully for any further signs of trouble.

The bottom line is that "Family" is no excuse for abusive behavior and NO ONE should feel that they absolutely HAVE to maintain contact with evil people just because they happen to be "family". Move on. Make your own family.

 

[Darthjaye]

I'm thinking your dad comes from the old school of "being bluntly and hurtfully honest". He thinks things should be the way they were when he was young. Old people automatically deserve undisputed respect and that non-sense. Seems to me if you haven't already confronted him about it, do so. Be calm and let him know what you think. He'll more than likely blow up and yell, but you should try it if you haven't already. If he doesn't "get it" after that, then cut off most contact if not all with him. It sounds mean, but some people think they are right and their perception is the correct way events have unfolded. They give no room for error or to think other alternatives out. They can't give and take for some reason. Your kids (and i know this cause i have one too) deserve a enviroment where negative people like that have no direct interaction with them (or you as it impacts on your demeanor and stresses you to) until they are ready to deal with such people. Some people think that their lives have been so difficult (they assume things about you and your life and hardships and dont' take them into account) that they must take it out on those around them that have to take it (family or friends) and that such people should completely understand and tolerate it. Not true however.

Try the diplomatic way one more time, if they can't let it go or fix it, or are unwilling to do so, then cut them loose (or minimize contact significantly if it's family).

 

[BlackSilver]

Better late then never I suppose

Sorry for the lateness of this response, but I was cruising through and saw this thread and instantly thought of my Mom.

People that are critical of you will never “get it” (least in my experience). When someone is your friend or your loved one, they should not harm you with insults and attacks (no matter how jesting they are, or how critical they are). They claim that they love you.

First thing you should understand (if you don’t already) is that- these people that use critical statements are only trying to rise themselves up, because they see something in you that they can not be- either you are smarter then they are which generally has the insult of “stupid” or “fat” because they have a poor self image or what have you. It is all about them or in their case the “me.”

People that say “I love you,” then finish the comment “fat cow,” is not someone that you need to waste much time on. I know he is your father, and I know you think you have to love him, because he’s your father, but you do not have to love him. You only have to thank him for contributing to your life, then move on.

If you want to confront them (you sound as though there are more then just your father) about statements made then be prepared to back up what you say with an eternal response. “I want you to stop making critical comments about me. If you don’t stop doing this (give examples), I will have to take my family and leave you until you understand.” Which more then likely (was for me) the most difficult thing you will ever do.

(Nine years after my last contact with my Mom I found myself in her presence again. It was back to the same old stuff. I told her (in essence) that my life was mine and that she had no power over me, and if she didn’t like it then leave. She left. My brother (who sided with her originally), has maintained contact- even done some very surprising things (paid my doctor bill and hospital stay). If my Mom wants into my life then she can accept me for who I am, and apologize for the things she has done (I already have).)

If these critical people cannot change, cannot accept who you are then leave them, they will not be healthy to your family and yourself.

Remember this though- if they can apologize and change, and then give them the chance. An apology is a very powerful thing, anyone that cares about you that gives an apology should be taken seriously, if they turn back to their old ways then point this out in a calm and kind fashion (do not take another round of abuse, even for a second). Ask for an apology, if none are forth coming then say good-bye again.

I miss my parents greatly, my brother came to me (after my incident) and asked me to forgive him and I did. It was a very powerful moment, one that took so much from my inner pain away. I want that love of my father and my mother, and I don’t want my brother to have to go around behind their back to call me, but I do not ever think she will change.

Sorry for the length of this response. I have been through a lot and when I see someone that is having problems I get a little rantie. :\