Golden Bee
The cool guy of online
Isle Have My Revenge!
Based on […] and the Sword in the Stone by Ken Cliffe, Greg Farshtey, and/or Teeuwynn Woodruff.
Attention Tinseltown! The sky is dark because all the stars are at the premiere of FEAR THE BLACK PHARAOH!
This movie, based on August’s Empire of the Black Pharaoh, was the talk of the town. Grauman’s Egyptian Theater was the home of the first ever movie premiere, Robin Hood in 1922. And there was no better place for a glorious gala than right on Hollywood Boulevard.
This week’s foursome was an especially humble one. The only one who even bothered to talk to reporters was stuntwoman Giula “Lala” Santinella. Staying out of the spotlight was a specialty for professional butler Aldous Bingen; battling lawyer Tacíto kept his head down, and stodgy Briton Kabir Rupert didn’t see what all the fuss was about.
The movie proceeded apace, with mystery, romance, and wisecracks… Until twenty minutes in, when the film started playing backwards. The group investigated, and their fears were vindicated when they went to the forecourt. Standing amid the faux Egyptian splendor was the very real Black Pharaoh, and his squads of hired lancers!
Kabir, who lingered in the lobby, was ambushed by El Principe Del Inframundo. The demonic luchador countered Kab’s judo with a head scissors, sending the Brit face-first into the popcorn machine. Outside, Bingen used his decathlete skill to confuse the horses, Tacito traded punches, and Lala tried a new approach… networking! She promised the “infantry” if they stopped fighting, she would introduce them to her agent. It worked.
The Black Pharaoh whirled around with his khopesh, but couldn’t get around the panicking ponies. He snuck into the lobby, threatening passersby under a cardboard standee of his likeness. He was crowing about his inevitable victory when Tacíto hit him with the running punch so hard it knocked him, KO’d, into a nearby sarcophagus. There’s gotta be an easier way to get into Variety.
***
The players headed to someplace the opposite of Los Angeles: sunny, warm, friendly rural England. Tacíto U. Velasco had a client with an urgent situation. His father was going to pass away soon, but his sister needed to be present for the will to be executed. Could the adventurers find her?
Of course, the client (Reginald Hartsworth) had an awkward relationship with Kabir. Years ago, the bureaucrat had a crush on Reggie’s sister.
The mystery led the group all over Albion, from Hadrian’s Wall to a cannery in Dorset. There, they fell into a Nazi ambush, led by Colonel Clemens Unger. He, an ace Heidelberg duelist, was assigned to find Excalibur. And for his service, he had already been given a legendary sword. As Devi explained:
To that end, he gassed the group (including Reginald and Elizabeth) and tied them to the posts under the pier at high tide. The group was imperiled, panicking, and barely managed to escape by shearing the ropes with sharp barnacles and bribing nearby dockworkers to bring rowboats around. (When it came time to pay, everyone’s checkbooks had ‘unfortunately fallen into the ocean’.)
Elizabeth was impressed with Bingen’s bravery, earning Kabir’s subtle consternation. Devi asked him, in Hindi, if this was the ‘Betty’ he was always going on about.
Unfortunately, scumbag Reggie made a deal with the Reich, betraying the players once they found Excalibur’s resting place. Whoever wanted the blade had to enter a cave of trials, one that would test them on the courtly love that Elizabeth was always talking/blathering about.
And… Every single player failed. The Mexican lawyer, when asked to think of his true love, didn’t have one. Lala, forced to pick between images of Devika and Penny, couldn’t decide. No one even reached the third of the three trials, because both Aldous and Kabir picked a duty over love.
The players found themselves on a rainy hillside, all of them disoriented, none of them wielding Excalibur. But through chicanery, lies, and flimflam, they convinced the commandant to let another person try…Betty!
It was a complete curveball (making the damsel in distress complete part of the adventure for them), but it was her or Devika…and India’s richest girl had made it quite clear how she felt about colonizers. Then again, Betty was an expert in folklore. She tried to give Bingen a kiss on the cheek for luck… and when he demurred, she entered the misty cave with gritted teeth and determination.
Seconds passed. Minutes. Tens of minutes. Then, a thunderbolt cleaved through the heavens, and the mousey romance author emerged with the blade of Arthur. Possessed of true nobility, she was willing to hand over the blade to spare her friends… But the quartet had other ideas.
Kabir tested the blade on a nearby Nazi bodyguard. It went through the man’s ribs like scissors through paper. Unfortunately, the colonel predicted this betrayal, unsheathing his own legendary blade.
[Now, I hate to delve into mechanics, but it’s worth explaining the stakes. Their opponent was a skilled specialist in dueling. Every successful swing of either blade caused wounds, not stress. Three consequences mean you’re laid up in the hospital for months… More than that and they send you home in a can.] Not helping matters was the crack squad of Nazis with a half-track, who had been training specifically to fight the group.
Still, boldness can go far. Stuntwoman Lala sprinted down the hill, cartwheeled past the soldiers, and sprung into the half-track. She decided to run the vehicle up the hill… just so it would be easier to flip over. When that was done, she stole the keys to the staff car.
Tacìto was wounded by the SS squad’s gunfire, but roared back into combat with brutal punches and nerve strikes. Aldous ran interference, relying on all his affability to summon the Knights of the Round Table, exhorting them to fight die Deutschen.
Kabir was more of a judoka than a fencer, but he didn’t want to get stabbed. He fought defensively, luring Unger into a nearby ruined Abbey. But perhaps his wisest decision was trading the blade back-and-forth with the Jade Jaguar Tacito. The duelist was prepared for a one-on-one battle, not constantly shifting opponents. Still, he almost took off limbs, and without the sneaky help of Lala and Bingen, Albion would be doomed. In fact, he was prepared for some of their tricks: when Lala tried to run him down with a BMW, he sliced the car in half, sending her careening into a brick wall. Luckily, all she got was a broken nose.
The Nazis were punched out or sliced to chunks. And as the group ascended the rainy steps of the Abbey ruins, they were able to make red ribbons of the stürmer. It was a quick decision to bury the cursed blade where it fell, and a slightly harder one to throw Excalibur into the ocean at Land’s End.
Closing the case though, that would take some doing. Kabir Rupert, OBE, called in every favor to align the political constellations. Tacìto Velasco studied the oldest law books in Europe. Finally, with all that, they were able to depose the treacherous former king, sending him to virtual exile as “honorary governor of the Bahamas”. Which was still easy compared to knowing that his childhood crush had, according to ancient ritual, chosen Kabir as her true and honest love.
Based on […] and the Sword in the Stone by Ken Cliffe, Greg Farshtey, and/or Teeuwynn Woodruff.
Attention Tinseltown! The sky is dark because all the stars are at the premiere of FEAR THE BLACK PHARAOH!
This movie, based on August’s Empire of the Black Pharaoh, was the talk of the town. Grauman’s Egyptian Theater was the home of the first ever movie premiere, Robin Hood in 1922. And there was no better place for a glorious gala than right on Hollywood Boulevard.
This week’s foursome was an especially humble one. The only one who even bothered to talk to reporters was stuntwoman Giula “Lala” Santinella. Staying out of the spotlight was a specialty for professional butler Aldous Bingen; battling lawyer Tacíto kept his head down, and stodgy Briton Kabir Rupert didn’t see what all the fuss was about.
The movie proceeded apace, with mystery, romance, and wisecracks… Until twenty minutes in, when the film started playing backwards. The group investigated, and their fears were vindicated when they went to the forecourt. Standing amid the faux Egyptian splendor was the very real Black Pharaoh, and his squads of hired lancers!
Kabir, who lingered in the lobby, was ambushed by El Principe Del Inframundo. The demonic luchador countered Kab’s judo with a head scissors, sending the Brit face-first into the popcorn machine. Outside, Bingen used his decathlete skill to confuse the horses, Tacito traded punches, and Lala tried a new approach… networking! She promised the “infantry” if they stopped fighting, she would introduce them to her agent. It worked.
The Black Pharaoh whirled around with his khopesh, but couldn’t get around the panicking ponies. He snuck into the lobby, threatening passersby under a cardboard standee of his likeness. He was crowing about his inevitable victory when Tacíto hit him with the running punch so hard it knocked him, KO’d, into a nearby sarcophagus. There’s gotta be an easier way to get into Variety.
***
The players headed to someplace the opposite of Los Angeles: sunny, warm, friendly rural England. Tacíto U. Velasco had a client with an urgent situation. His father was going to pass away soon, but his sister needed to be present for the will to be executed. Could the adventurers find her?
Of course, the client (Reginald Hartsworth) had an awkward relationship with Kabir. Years ago, the bureaucrat had a crush on Reggie’s sister.
The mystery led the group all over Albion, from Hadrian’s Wall to a cannery in Dorset. There, they fell into a Nazi ambush, led by Colonel Clemens Unger. He, an ace Heidelberg duelist, was assigned to find Excalibur. And for his service, he had already been given a legendary sword. As Devi explained:
Unger respected the audacity of the players, but they were sworn enemies of the Reich, and had to die. No hard feelings.
To that end, he gassed the group (including Reginald and Elizabeth) and tied them to the posts under the pier at high tide. The group was imperiled, panicking, and barely managed to escape by shearing the ropes with sharp barnacles and bribing nearby dockworkers to bring rowboats around. (When it came time to pay, everyone’s checkbooks had ‘unfortunately fallen into the ocean’.)
Elizabeth was impressed with Bingen’s bravery, earning Kabir’s subtle consternation. Devi asked him, in Hindi, if this was the ‘Betty’ he was always going on about.
While sneaking into a Nazi archaeological site, the players made a shocking discovery. The person giving them political cover? The recently abdicated King Edward the Eighth! The royal, long rumored to be a sympathizer, was actually a collaborator!
Unfortunately, scumbag Reggie made a deal with the Reich, betraying the players once they found Excalibur’s resting place. Whoever wanted the blade had to enter a cave of trials, one that would test them on the courtly love that Elizabeth was always talking/blathering about.
And… Every single player failed. The Mexican lawyer, when asked to think of his true love, didn’t have one. Lala, forced to pick between images of Devika and Penny, couldn’t decide. No one even reached the third of the three trials, because both Aldous and Kabir picked a duty over love.
The players found themselves on a rainy hillside, all of them disoriented, none of them wielding Excalibur. But through chicanery, lies, and flimflam, they convinced the commandant to let another person try…Betty!
It was a complete curveball (making the damsel in distress complete part of the adventure for them), but it was her or Devika…and India’s richest girl had made it quite clear how she felt about colonizers. Then again, Betty was an expert in folklore. She tried to give Bingen a kiss on the cheek for luck… and when he demurred, she entered the misty cave with gritted teeth and determination.
Seconds passed. Minutes. Tens of minutes. Then, a thunderbolt cleaved through the heavens, and the mousey romance author emerged with the blade of Arthur. Possessed of true nobility, she was willing to hand over the blade to spare her friends… But the quartet had other ideas.
Kabir tested the blade on a nearby Nazi bodyguard. It went through the man’s ribs like scissors through paper. Unfortunately, the colonel predicted this betrayal, unsheathing his own legendary blade.
[Now, I hate to delve into mechanics, but it’s worth explaining the stakes. Their opponent was a skilled specialist in dueling. Every successful swing of either blade caused wounds, not stress. Three consequences mean you’re laid up in the hospital for months… More than that and they send you home in a can.] Not helping matters was the crack squad of Nazis with a half-track, who had been training specifically to fight the group.
Still, boldness can go far. Stuntwoman Lala sprinted down the hill, cartwheeled past the soldiers, and sprung into the half-track. She decided to run the vehicle up the hill… just so it would be easier to flip over. When that was done, she stole the keys to the staff car.
Tacìto was wounded by the SS squad’s gunfire, but roared back into combat with brutal punches and nerve strikes. Aldous ran interference, relying on all his affability to summon the Knights of the Round Table, exhorting them to fight die Deutschen.
Kabir was more of a judoka than a fencer, but he didn’t want to get stabbed. He fought defensively, luring Unger into a nearby ruined Abbey. But perhaps his wisest decision was trading the blade back-and-forth with the Jade Jaguar Tacito. The duelist was prepared for a one-on-one battle, not constantly shifting opponents. Still, he almost took off limbs, and without the sneaky help of Lala and Bingen, Albion would be doomed. In fact, he was prepared for some of their tricks: when Lala tried to run him down with a BMW, he sliced the car in half, sending her careening into a brick wall. Luckily, all she got was a broken nose.
The Nazis were punched out or sliced to chunks. And as the group ascended the rainy steps of the Abbey ruins, they were able to make red ribbons of the stürmer. It was a quick decision to bury the cursed blade where it fell, and a slightly harder one to throw Excalibur into the ocean at Land’s End.
Closing the case though, that would take some doing. Kabir Rupert, OBE, called in every favor to align the political constellations. Tacìto Velasco studied the oldest law books in Europe. Finally, with all that, they were able to depose the treacherous former king, sending him to virtual exile as “honorary governor of the Bahamas”. Which was still easy compared to knowing that his childhood crush had, according to ancient ritual, chosen Kabir as her true and honest love.
