DnD (in-game) Jokes -- Bring em on.

[Shadowdancer]

One night, two guards are relieving themselves off the top of the castle wall. As they stand there, doing their business, the first guard says, "Boy, that moat water sure is cold."

The second guard says, "Yeah, and it's deep, too."

 

[Kae'Yoss]

A wizard and his parrot familiar enter a bar. The landlort sees them and yells: "Hey, what are you doing with that rat in here? Get him out!"

Wizard: "That is no rat, you oaf, it's a parrot"
Landlord: "I ain't talking to you, I'm talking to the bird."

(or)
Landlord: "What are you doing with that ugly beast in there"
Parrot: "I know, I know, but he pays my drinks."

 

[Henry]

For your joking pleasure...

I hope PCat doesn't mind, but a while ago, he had a dwarf Bard named Glibstone in the Defenders of Daybreak RPG game, and asked our community here for as many grandma-approved jokes as we could post. I have a word document of those jokes, and because of its length, I'll post it as a TXT file attached to this message. I hope it's useful!

 

[thedangerranger]

Ding

Thank you Henry, this is precisely what I was looking for. I should have known if it was worth doing, someone in PC's game would have done it sometime in the last decade
-tdr-

 

[Carrion]

what do you call a wizard holding hands with his zombie?



necromance!

 

[Kae'Yoss]

what do you call a wizard holding hands with his zombie?
necromance!

What's neck romance?



What's the best way to pi** off an archdemon?
Exist.

Why are Sharrans the best friends around christmas?
Their idea of a great present is "Nothing".

Why does the navy hire only nonswimmers nowadays?
They defend the ships harder.

An adventuring party eats in a tavern. When the barmaid approaches with the bill, the other adventurers are surprised to hear a "I pay for them all" from the direction of the dwarf.
The next day, you can hear the towncriers proclaiming "bard killed after ventriloquist joke"

Ah, but my grandmother is still very vigorous despite her advanced age. Last year, she decided to run two miles per day every day and today we don't even know where she is.

Cannibal Bar. We serve all kinds of people!

The Half-Orc mate to the captain: "We have a blind passenger"
Captain: "Throw him over board"
Mate: "Done. Uh, captain, what about his dog?"

Q: What do Gruumsh, Odin, and Vecna have in common? A: They're all gods!! (If you don't get this one, ask, and I'll explain. But I think most of you should.)

OK, I just don't get it. Brain lock or something.

 

[Piratecat]

OK, I just don't get it. Brain lock or something.

The obvious answer is "They're all missing one eye."

Me, I don't get the "blind passenger" joke. Is that another term for a stowaway, or is it something else that I'm missing?

And Henry, thanks for posting those jokes! Good thinking.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

The obvious answer is "They're all missing one eye."

Right. I was searching an innuendo in "all gods" and overlooked the obvious.

Me, I don't get the "blind passenger" joke. Is that another term for a stowaway, or is it something else that I'm missing?

Yes. I guessed (incorrectly) that that term is used in english, too.

 

[Lord_Anthrax]

Q: "Did you hear the one about the sober Dwarf?"
A: "Neither did I!"

Q: "What does a Troll call a Zombie?"
A: "Jerky!"

Q: "How can you spot a Paladin of Sune in a crowd?"
A: "He's the one with the mirrored shield!"

Q: "Why won't a Thayan sell his mother into slavery?"
A: "Because he can rent her out for a lot more!"

Q: "What did Klauth say to the party of greedy adventurers?"
A: "Nothing. Klauth doesn't talk to ashpiles."

 

[Nuclear Platypus]

Some from an old RL adventure;
Those are from memory, so might be a little off. I think there were more too, but that adventure is packed away.

Death's Cold Laughter but I can't remember the name of the module, which had several other adventures.

There's also:

How do you create an Improved Fireball?
Feed an orc some beans.

Unfortunately I think you got most of the jokes. There was one about making some stew but the youngest wouldn't get in the pot.