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EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!
- Thread starter Herremann the Wise
- Start date
Dlsharrock
First Post
Rodrigo Istalindir said:
Thankyou Rodrigo for the critique
You make some interesting points. Yep, I could have made more of the larper picture. More descriptive, less relying on the picture to do the describing. It's something I think you get used to as you do more of these and I have a lot of admiration for those writers who've really weaved the images into the story and vice versa. I intend to master this in future rounds/CDMs (judges willing, of course )The spark? It's essentially a character study. The whole death thing is a convoluted plot delivering the protagonist's character to the reader. I wanted him obnoxious and annoying in order to suggest these aspects of personality might not vanish when the soul passes over, but I also wanted some profound, near-poetic, facets to his character, hinting at growth and spirituality resulting from death. He's not a very nice person, but nobody said a victim has to be the nice-guy and villains have always intrigued me more than heroes. Also, I love flirting with shock-value and controversy which pretty much explains the rest. I have to admit, the images didn't inspire the story, but Nintendo Cleric was the basis for the protagonist, so I suppose, if there was a spark, he was it. My sincere apologies to Nintendo cleric if he read my story and/or this post, by the way
RangerWickett
Legend
Credit where it is due, in my story, the 'poem' is a reworking of a translation of the summer sonnet that accompanies Vivaldi's "Four Seasons."
I'm going to sleep, and read all y'all's stories tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep, and read all y'all's stories tomorrow.
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Match Eight / maxfieldjadenfox vs. Mythago
ARWINK’S JUDGMENT
Maxfieldjadenfox / Spring Break
My first response to the story was, quite literally, yes, we’re going chick-lit!(note: no irony intended; I was legitimately excited to see the story go there). It’s always a refreshing change of pace to get something that isn’t fantasy or SF in a competition like this, especially when you’ve got the added tension of wondering exactly when the weirdness will start (an inevitability, really, given the nature of the contest). Then the weirdness comes and there’s a great build, the tension growing, and then…we dump the protagonist and switch over to David and Rob as the primary POV instead?
Hrm. Call me a grumpy reader, but this kind of threw me since I’d spent the first half of the story investing in Allison. I can’t think of many stories that pull of this kind of bait-and-switch effectively (except Psycho), and despite some nice dialogue between our new heroes the story never quite picks up the momentum it had prior to Allison stepping into the phantom airplane. Even the picture use suffers a little, lapsing into easy choices and quick scenes. I’m guessing Maxfieldjadenfox fell victim to the time-crunch and rushed to get the story out, which is something of a pity since the narrative was building so well.
Mythago / Untitled
Pulp super-heroes? Plane with a puppy brain? The Chippendale Boys? Awesome. In terms of picture use, Mythago surprised me time and again. Even when I thought one of the pictures was just being slipped in as scene-setting, the story looped around and made it an important part of the narrative. The short, concise scenes capture the characters well, and the voice suits; if I had to pick a flaw, it’d be the momentary confusion I had at the beginning of the story as I tried to place it in a genre – the absence of visual cues makes it a tricky setting to get a grasp on as a reader.
Judgment
Very disparate stories in terms of style, and if we’d only been working from the first half of the stories I think it could have been a close contest. As it is, I think Mythago takes this round by virtue of the better picture use and a more cohesive story.
THE JUDGMENT OF HERREMANN THE WISE
I knew as soon as I had put the pictures together that this was going to be a tough one – the toughest set of pictures in round one I think, and by quite a way. Not only was each image from a completely different ballpark, there was a universal lack of strength or dominance amongst them (with the aim of forcing the competitors to not only somehow join the dots but colour it in as well). The fourth image in particular - even I have no idea what the hell it is! These pictures were going to really force the writers to find some strange weirdness to fit their story in and neither writer disappointed.
I adored the love failure of maxfieldjadenfox and the tale of Allison although the eventual scene with Draco was… a little weird (good) but disjoint (not so good). I loved your tone and style early on; it set me at ease as a reader, comfortably joining along for the ride. When we shifted more to David and Rob, there was something here that jarred. On the whole though, I thought this was a very solid effort with a very difficult set of images.
Mythago has put all other competitors on notice with a lesson in how to assemble a cohesive, sharp story that truly embraces a horrid set of images. Allow me to take a quick bow to your skills.
While there were parts of maxfieldjadenfox’s that I enjoyed more, I think I am going to have to go for Mythago this time around for the highly consistent and complete package given (and excellently weird picture use too).
Judgment: Mythago
MALDUR’S JUDGMENT
Match 8 Mythago vs maxfieldjadenfox
Gods this is hard, both very funny, very original stories. if I could I would let both pass on to the next round. odd superheroes vs an odd sitcom.
hard hard hard.
Judgement: Mythago, a puppy with an airplane body did it in the end.
FINAL JUDGMENT
Mythago takes the chocolates but it would seem to have been a very narrow thing. A tough one here for the judges.
ARWINK’S JUDGMENT
Maxfieldjadenfox / Spring Break
My first response to the story was, quite literally, yes, we’re going chick-lit!(note: no irony intended; I was legitimately excited to see the story go there). It’s always a refreshing change of pace to get something that isn’t fantasy or SF in a competition like this, especially when you’ve got the added tension of wondering exactly when the weirdness will start (an inevitability, really, given the nature of the contest). Then the weirdness comes and there’s a great build, the tension growing, and then…we dump the protagonist and switch over to David and Rob as the primary POV instead?
Hrm. Call me a grumpy reader, but this kind of threw me since I’d spent the first half of the story investing in Allison. I can’t think of many stories that pull of this kind of bait-and-switch effectively (except Psycho), and despite some nice dialogue between our new heroes the story never quite picks up the momentum it had prior to Allison stepping into the phantom airplane. Even the picture use suffers a little, lapsing into easy choices and quick scenes. I’m guessing Maxfieldjadenfox fell victim to the time-crunch and rushed to get the story out, which is something of a pity since the narrative was building so well.
Mythago / Untitled
Pulp super-heroes? Plane with a puppy brain? The Chippendale Boys? Awesome. In terms of picture use, Mythago surprised me time and again. Even when I thought one of the pictures was just being slipped in as scene-setting, the story looped around and made it an important part of the narrative. The short, concise scenes capture the characters well, and the voice suits; if I had to pick a flaw, it’d be the momentary confusion I had at the beginning of the story as I tried to place it in a genre – the absence of visual cues makes it a tricky setting to get a grasp on as a reader.
Judgment
Very disparate stories in terms of style, and if we’d only been working from the first half of the stories I think it could have been a close contest. As it is, I think Mythago takes this round by virtue of the better picture use and a more cohesive story.
THE JUDGMENT OF HERREMANN THE WISE
I knew as soon as I had put the pictures together that this was going to be a tough one – the toughest set of pictures in round one I think, and by quite a way. Not only was each image from a completely different ballpark, there was a universal lack of strength or dominance amongst them (with the aim of forcing the competitors to not only somehow join the dots but colour it in as well). The fourth image in particular - even I have no idea what the hell it is! These pictures were going to really force the writers to find some strange weirdness to fit their story in and neither writer disappointed.
I adored the love failure of maxfieldjadenfox and the tale of Allison although the eventual scene with Draco was… a little weird (good) but disjoint (not so good). I loved your tone and style early on; it set me at ease as a reader, comfortably joining along for the ride. When we shifted more to David and Rob, there was something here that jarred. On the whole though, I thought this was a very solid effort with a very difficult set of images.
Mythago has put all other competitors on notice with a lesson in how to assemble a cohesive, sharp story that truly embraces a horrid set of images. Allow me to take a quick bow to your skills.
While there were parts of maxfieldjadenfox’s that I enjoyed more, I think I am going to have to go for Mythago this time around for the highly consistent and complete package given (and excellently weird picture use too).
Judgment: Mythago
MALDUR’S JUDGMENT
Match 8 Mythago vs maxfieldjadenfox
Gods this is hard, both very funny, very original stories. if I could I would let both pass on to the next round. odd superheroes vs an odd sitcom.
hard hard hard.
Judgement: Mythago, a puppy with an airplane body did it in the end.
FINAL JUDGMENT
Mythago takes the chocolates but it would seem to have been a very narrow thing. A tough one here for the judges.
Herremann the Wise
First Post
madwabbit said:
madwabbit, a complete loser would have just made a quick sorry, or just simply disappeared. You did neither so thank you for posting what you had, even if it was late.
However, perhaps the biggest disappointment for me (and others) was that you were given a very rare opportunity in terms of the history of this competition - of which you probably did not even realise. I cannot remember a recent time when four fantasy images were presented for a story. My purpose was to allow two writers to give us a story that could truly stay in the realm of fantasy - testing their ability to write more so than assemble; easier in some ways, but harder in others. Please, next time you think of entering (and this goes for everyone), consider the time commitment necessary, particularly if you keep winning.
Anyway, no hard feelings.
This match will most likely go to Starman automatically but I will consult the other judges first.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
mythago
Hero
I agree with arwink's comments about the 'chick lit' theme maxfieldjadenfox used - it's almost too easy here to fall into fantasy, sf and/or horror to the exclusion of other, equally worthy genres.
Though I do think it's pretty funny that we both wrote stories about the adventures of two gay heroes.
On the picture use, I tend to get fixated on what one of the pictures "is", and that drives the story. The plane picture looked, to me, like it was happily jumping out of the ocean to play with the guy standing up with his back to us. It sort of drove itself at that point.
Though I do think it's pretty funny that we both wrote stories about the adventures of two gay heroes.
On the picture use, I tend to get fixated on what one of the pictures "is", and that drives the story. The plane picture looked, to me, like it was happily jumping out of the ocean to play with the guy standing up with his back to us. It sort of drove itself at that point.
Ycore Rixle
First Post
Berandor said:
I enjoyed it! I liked the consistent characterization. I also enjoyed the overall readability. The pacing, economy of words, and diction helped to make it a read that was fun.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Congrats, Mythago on the win. I found it amusing that we both went with gold Speedos even though they weren't in the picture.
Thanks judges for the comments. I came down with the stomach flu on Monday night ( I think I may have turned completely inside out at one point) and Tuesday I was useless. I slept literally all day. Wednesday I had to catch up at work because I had been off the day before, so yeah, the story ended up being rushed and suffers from some inconsistencies that I may remedy at some point. There was going to be another scene in the botanical gardens and maybe another on the beach, but time is a bitch, isn't it?
Thanks for allowing me to compete, and if you need a sub, I'll be here waving from the bench.
Thanks judges for the comments. I came down with the stomach flu on Monday night ( I think I may have turned completely inside out at one point) and Tuesday I was useless. I slept literally all day. Wednesday I had to catch up at work because I had been off the day before, so yeah, the story ended up being rushed and suffers from some inconsistencies that I may remedy at some point. There was going to be another scene in the botanical gardens and maybe another on the beach, but time is a bitch, isn't it?
Thanks for allowing me to compete, and if you need a sub, I'll be here waving from the bench.
awayfarer
First Post
Berandor said:
I'se still a kollege student (English major) and there are three things that keep getting drilled into us in every writing course. They are...
1: Edit
2: Edit
3: Edit
These are exceedingly difficult with the 72 hour time limit. Just be glad you have a complete story posted.
You rapscallion
Edit: Removed "scallywag."
Berandor
lunatic
Thanks. Fun read is good.Ycore Rixle said:
awayfarer: I'm sad to see you go in the first round, but you're right, of course. Originally I'd hoped to be finished friday night, so that I had a few hours left for some rigorous editing. At least with the first two to three passes, a story can improve a lot. Now it's just written down and done. But: done.
I haven't read your story yet (or anyone else's), but I'm sure the judges will hesitate a bit before declaring me the winner
(really though: good luck, and may the better story win)Edit, read it.
[sblock]I liked the story. The moment where Earnest finds the silver stilettos was great, and the ogre was totally against what I expected. Creepy. I did think the story took a little long to get started, and even now I'm not sure what "go fish" is supposed to mean. As for the pictures, I think the webbed forest is the weakest, because it could have been cut without harm. But a very nice story nevertheless. This could go either way, I think.[/sblock]
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