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EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!
- Thread starter Herremann the Wise
- Start date
Ycore Rixle
First Post
Thanks, and yours too, Kevin. Good stuff.
Comments on your story and others:
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Wow, as impressive as I would expect from you! I love the economy of phrasing. Your two characters' diction is spot on. Each has a distinctive voice. Remarkably, you also used dialogue to emphasize the underlying similarities and foreshadow the monster's humanity by having the two speak, if not with the same diction, then in the same patterns (both use statements as questions, endearing anecdotes, humor - love the randy dolphin zinger at mythology, by the way). But basically you created two interesting characters and put them in an interesting situation. That's always a good thing. And the first-person limited viewpoint (a la Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird) is a tough one to pull off well. You did it. If I had to nitpick, my personal preference is for sharp resoution at the end of stories, but on the other hand plenty of folks like endings with a shadow of ambiguity. Really, it was a fun, keen, witty tale!
Dlsharrock - I liked the Caitlin character and her journey through the story. I also liked the humorous lines like, "What did one disgusting amorphous blob say to another disgusting amorphous blob?" The action was a bit chopped-up for me in parts, and a touch more editing might have made it easier to follow. When I saw your pictures posted, I was wondering what you guys would come up with. Kudos on pulling them all together.
Eeralai - The idea that Cate gets out of her body and into a very different body (or housing) is intriguing. Definitely gives the reader something to think about, namely, how exactly do the mind and body depend on each other? Would she have made the same decision if she were a 'skinny'?
Rodrigo - Hey! I used to live in Detroit! Hehe, actually you're not that far off (do you live there?). I wouldn't have minded seeing the conflict introduced a little bit earlier instead of just following Sam through the day. But it picked up for me when the nature of Sam's job became clear, and it picked up again when the rival showed up. I appreciated twinning the lawyers and the servants of the Dark Prince (an allusion to Angel's Wolfram and Heart, maybe?).
Mythago - The ice and cold imagery was cool (pun intended, sorry!). Seriously, I liked it. Oh, and naming her Gabriella - that is wicked of you.
The "Judas with better parties" line made me think of F. Paul Wilson's _Virgin_.
Starman - I had fun with this one. Frank was a sympathetic character. I do wish that the picture of Frank had been included a little earlier; it was super for the character you were creating. The ending was a good payoff. Nice!
Berandor - Another fun one with a good payoff. This one is long, but it carries the reader with it. Perhaps a little editing toward the beginning (I'm thinking the section where Amurayi takes Richard) could have picked up the pace a bit. I liked the use of Indian mythology and your playing with the reincarnation theme. For me, the way that you used the gods, and the way that you spanned centuries in your narrative, both added a sense of weight and importance to the story. Kind of an epic "Listen up, this stuff _matters_!" vibe. Navid's actions at the climax were really well staged. Nicely done.
[/sblock]
Comments on your story and others:
[sblock]
Wow, as impressive as I would expect from you! I love the economy of phrasing. Your two characters' diction is spot on. Each has a distinctive voice. Remarkably, you also used dialogue to emphasize the underlying similarities and foreshadow the monster's humanity by having the two speak, if not with the same diction, then in the same patterns (both use statements as questions, endearing anecdotes, humor - love the randy dolphin zinger at mythology, by the way). But basically you created two interesting characters and put them in an interesting situation. That's always a good thing. And the first-person limited viewpoint (a la Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird) is a tough one to pull off well. You did it. If I had to nitpick, my personal preference is for sharp resoution at the end of stories, but on the other hand plenty of folks like endings with a shadow of ambiguity. Really, it was a fun, keen, witty tale!
Dlsharrock - I liked the Caitlin character and her journey through the story. I also liked the humorous lines like, "What did one disgusting amorphous blob say to another disgusting amorphous blob?" The action was a bit chopped-up for me in parts, and a touch more editing might have made it easier to follow. When I saw your pictures posted, I was wondering what you guys would come up with. Kudos on pulling them all together.
Eeralai - The idea that Cate gets out of her body and into a very different body (or housing) is intriguing. Definitely gives the reader something to think about, namely, how exactly do the mind and body depend on each other? Would she have made the same decision if she were a 'skinny'?
Rodrigo - Hey! I used to live in Detroit! Hehe, actually you're not that far off (do you live there?). I wouldn't have minded seeing the conflict introduced a little bit earlier instead of just following Sam through the day. But it picked up for me when the nature of Sam's job became clear, and it picked up again when the rival showed up. I appreciated twinning the lawyers and the servants of the Dark Prince (an allusion to Angel's Wolfram and Heart, maybe?).
Mythago - The ice and cold imagery was cool (pun intended, sorry!). Seriously, I liked it. Oh, and naming her Gabriella - that is wicked of you.
The "Judas with better parties" line made me think of F. Paul Wilson's _Virgin_.Starman - I had fun with this one. Frank was a sympathetic character. I do wish that the picture of Frank had been included a little earlier; it was super for the character you were creating. The ending was a good payoff. Nice!
Berandor - Another fun one with a good payoff. This one is long, but it carries the reader with it. Perhaps a little editing toward the beginning (I'm thinking the section where Amurayi takes Richard) could have picked up the pace a bit. I liked the use of Indian mythology and your playing with the reincarnation theme. For me, the way that you used the gods, and the way that you spanned centuries in your narrative, both added a sense of weight and importance to the story. Kind of an epic "Listen up, this stuff _matters_!" vibe. Navid's actions at the climax were really well staged. Nicely done.
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Last edited:
Ycore Rixle
First Post
A couple notes on my story and re:
[sblock]
Thanks for the comments, Berandor! I agree that Rhys's character as shown is a bit uneven with regards to being a bastard. There could be more of his earlier (pre-story, post-dreaming) womanizing and flouting of the court.
Ok, since I didn't get a chance to post anything like this earlier, here are a couple of general notes on the story:
1. Doh! I forgot to post the title. It's "The Ones That Fought for Sarntis."
2. I had Lovecraft's "The Doom That Came to Sarnath" and LeGuin's "The Ones That Walk Away from Omelas" in mind while writing it. I'd always wanted to try writing about a dream-city, albeit with a different ending.
3. I was trying to keep a dream-like tone to the narration in a couple of ways, like using a lot of latinate words and starting sentences with a lot of conjunctions. That was fun!
4. Funny that PC and I had different takes on the sex of the figure in the boat. It's hard to tell. Maybe we both should have named that figure's character Pat.
5. I tried to pick images (limes and limelight, clockwork tortoises) that would combine disparate elements and play to a unity vs. disunity theme.
6. Also funny that PC and I each reversed moods from the first round (dark to light or light to dark).
[/sblock]
Good luck to everybody!
Berandor said:
[sblock]
Thanks for the comments, Berandor! I agree that Rhys's character as shown is a bit uneven with regards to being a bastard. There could be more of his earlier (pre-story, post-dreaming) womanizing and flouting of the court.
Ok, since I didn't get a chance to post anything like this earlier, here are a couple of general notes on the story:
1. Doh! I forgot to post the title. It's "The Ones That Fought for Sarntis."
2. I had Lovecraft's "The Doom That Came to Sarnath" and LeGuin's "The Ones That Walk Away from Omelas" in mind while writing it. I'd always wanted to try writing about a dream-city, albeit with a different ending.
3. I was trying to keep a dream-like tone to the narration in a couple of ways, like using a lot of latinate words and starting sentences with a lot of conjunctions. That was fun!
4. Funny that PC and I had different takes on the sex of the figure in the boat. It's hard to tell. Maybe we both should have named that figure's character Pat.
5. I tried to pick images (limes and limelight, clockwork tortoises) that would combine disparate elements and play to a unity vs. disunity theme.
6. Also funny that PC and I each reversed moods from the first round (dark to light or light to dark).
[/sblock]
Good luck to everybody!
Last edited:
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Frank, comments on our stories:
[sblock]First, let me say that I got entirely the wrong image of "eldritch seals."
The thing I love most about your story is the language and the setting. Both are great. You've done a wonderful job of evoking images (the clockwork tortoises, wiping lime on the lips at the beginning of the speech, stars in the firmament) that stay with you. This language and cadence strongly underscored the nature of Sarntis as a dream city. Nicely done.
I also like how you played with scale for the picture of the giant monster. I hadn't thought of something that humongous! It's a very powerful image that way.
I do see Berandor's point. I wonder if the story would read differently if he was "the loyal" and he's setting hounds on people because he has the best interest of Sarntis at mind, at the expense of the individual citizens. This is a good reminder for me that small changes matter. I sometimes forget this while I'm writing.
My story was hard to write this time; I threw away as much dialogue as I wrote. It took me a while to get the tone right, as well as an ending I was happy with. I tried fixed endings - one where he's fully swayed by the adventurer's (clearly a bard!) temptations, and one where he learns deception and plans to betray him. Both seemed trite and too pat, stuck in for the sake of convenience. I decided to go with the more realistic and less certain ending instead. For me, I think that was the right choice. But darn, it took me a while to get the conversation sounding correct, and even now there are some tweaks I'd like to make. Welcome to life, I guess.
The story started to work for me when I decided to make the monster the narrator. I liked the idea of this ultra-powerful threat being basically a friendly, lonely guy with an unpleasant task. Naive and sort of childish, but tremendously difficult to defeat even though it's essential that his plan not be finished. If you can't fight him with swords or spells, what weapons can you use? Language and friendship, maybe.
[/sblock]
[sblock]First, let me say that I got entirely the wrong image of "eldritch seals."
The thing I love most about your story is the language and the setting. Both are great. You've done a wonderful job of evoking images (the clockwork tortoises, wiping lime on the lips at the beginning of the speech, stars in the firmament) that stay with you. This language and cadence strongly underscored the nature of Sarntis as a dream city. Nicely done.
I also like how you played with scale for the picture of the giant monster. I hadn't thought of something that humongous! It's a very powerful image that way.
I do see Berandor's point. I wonder if the story would read differently if he was "the loyal" and he's setting hounds on people because he has the best interest of Sarntis at mind, at the expense of the individual citizens. This is a good reminder for me that small changes matter. I sometimes forget this while I'm writing.
My story was hard to write this time; I threw away as much dialogue as I wrote. It took me a while to get the tone right, as well as an ending I was happy with. I tried fixed endings - one where he's fully swayed by the adventurer's (clearly a bard!) temptations, and one where he learns deception and plans to betray him. Both seemed trite and too pat, stuck in for the sake of convenience. I decided to go with the more realistic and less certain ending instead. For me, I think that was the right choice. But darn, it took me a while to get the conversation sounding correct, and even now there are some tweaks I'd like to make. Welcome to life, I guess.
The story started to work for me when I decided to make the monster the narrator. I liked the idea of this ultra-powerful threat being basically a friendly, lonely guy with an unpleasant task. Naive and sort of childish, but tremendously difficult to defeat even though it's essential that his plan not be finished. If you can't fight him with swords or spells, what weapons can you use? Language and friendship, maybe.
[/sblock]
arwink
Clockwork Golem
My fault, I'm afraid. The deadline I was trying to meet by Friday ended up eating most of my weekend, but it was (finaly!) finished about a half-hour ago. I've sent off quick gut-instinct-style judgments for Eeralai vs. Disharock and Berandor vs. Starman, but I imagine it'll be another couple of hours until Herremann gets them (it's about 3 am here in Australia).
Dlsharrock
First Post
whoo. All that work, no sleep and then you read *my* story at 3 in the morning? I hope you don't have nightmares Arwink. (*guilt*)
