Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 1 Match 6 -- EP vs Avatar V
Herremann the Wise
I suppose the first thing to deal with here is the issue of editing after posting. This has been a rule since the beginning and is one that should not be allowed to be transgressed in my opinion. EN World has a preview post page allowing editing before posting and this is the method I suggest competitors use. Call me hard arsed and ol’ fashioned (lawful neutral even) but after careful consideration, this is my final opinion on the matter. However, there are two other judges whose opinions may differ and besides which, there would be nothing that sucks more than my Dyson other than putting in the hard slog only to be denied by fixing up a few tabs. As such, we shall see how this turns out.
EP has done a lot of good things here that I think are worth noting. Many competitors shy away from character stereotypes but “Gunfight on the Plains of the Abyss” is a stellar example of how to use them and use them well. It is almost like giving your reader an express connection to your piece, giving them the opportunity to soak up so much in an economy of words. You allow the reader to fill in the inevitable gaps in the writing. This does two things. It allows you to squeeze more information into your story with the expectation that your reader is going to pick most of it up, and secondly, because they are joining the dots up, they are helping you create your world in their head giving them a degree of ownership over the product.
For me, I loved the characterisation in EP’s story. What was particularly effective was when he started making the interconnections between the characters (Duke and Mary Ann). With more time, I think this could have been expanded to include Richard and Father Ramirez to wonderful effect, adding a further layer of depth. However, while the characterisation was established so well, other elements could have been tweaked to match. Unfortunately, these other important elements lagged in comparison. While the action was there (and delightfully delivered), the eventual tension that would make or break this piece was lacking.
About halfway through, the tension that was nicely developing was extinguished by the sheer ability of the crew. It looked like they could take down anything... and they did, with barely a scratch. If the power and terror of Azraeil could have been emphasized, if the fear that she could take the crew down was in my mind, then the ending would have been magnificent. Still, I did enjoy the action.
I will give one more comment as well. If the mission details had have been transferred to the reader in the first half of the story, rather than in the second half, I think the story would have been framed more purposefully, adding to the overall strength of delivery. I get the feeling that this piece was written more by a ‘seat of the pants’ style rather than with careful planning (and the energy from this writing style is definitely well received). This means though that the looseness of important story elements can come back to bite you and unfortunately, I think this detracts ever so slightly from what was otherwise a good ride.
And finally, picture use aside from the ‘building with skull attached’ was definitely of the so-so variety. You were able to incorporate the images into a single whole which is always an achievement, but the cart picture was a classic “throwaway” while the four armed “demon” was only OK/suitable. More could have been developed but the genre of the story ran roughshod over these. If the story elements were all spot on, I would have ignored this but as they weren’t, picture use becomes a slight issue.
On the whole though, well done.
Now Avatar_V almost gave me a ‘top three CDM of all time’ story. Almost. I wanted it. One page from the finish and the smile on my face made me believe I was going to get it. It was... almost there. If the simplicity of the ending had have been beefed up to match the rest of the story, if I could have just got a few more tense moments of action from a finish that felt slightly rushed, then I would have handed you the medal on the spot. As it was however, it was ‘only’ mere brilliance.
The tempo of the piece was excellent, carrying the reader on a wonderful wave of questions, thoughts and ideas. The story tapped into so many emotions, delicately exploring the very fabric of friendship in a way I did not see coming. The picture use was pretty much the best I’ve seen (qualified by the fact that only three images needed to be incorporated). It was like every nuance out of such a diverse series of pictures was nurtured to the page. The deer’s skull framed the entire story (at the very start and at the very end), the silly cart scene was given impact and extended into the underlying theme of friendship. And then the four armed knitting grandma was given importance and place in such a fantastical way. Please good people reading this judgment, read this story once more to see what I mean in terms of stellar image use.
Everything was there except a truly plausible finish. I don’t know, perhaps it is just me wanting Avari’s sacrifice to be even more poignant. Unfortunately, the tension of possible failure was all too quickly erased, the moment of will she or will she not succeed was answered too quickly. Again, maybe it is just me. This story deserves to stand on its own without me derailing it too much. As such, I shall simply say that Avatar_V takes this match, (despite a sterling effort from EP) and in my opinion is confidently the best story of the first round. Congratulations!
maxfieldjadenfox
EP, I'm not sure what to do about you going back in and editing your post. I don't feel like I'm the one to decide whether your entry should be accepted after the edit. I'll approach it like it is though, and talk a bit about it.
You have written a western style D&D adventure. While the tone is spot on, I felt like your picture use was sub-par, with the exception of the old lady knitting. That knocked my socks off. Using her as a demon was really unexpected, and the picture was integral to the whole story. Sadly, the deer skull and the amusement park really felt shoe horned in, only part of the story because you had to use them. They did add to the atmosphere though, and your description of the pictures themselves was well done.
There is a lot of good descriptive stuff here. The atmosphere is great, post apocalyptic and gritty. I like the idea of western characters, but outside of Mary Ann, I really didn't have much of a sense of who they were. A little generic, but granted it's difficult to get much character development in a short short story, especially with multiple characters.
Avatar V, great first effort. I really dug this story. The characters were well thought out, and I cared about them, no mean feat with the time and length constraints. There was a clear progression, a beginning, middle and end that made the story feel complete. Avari's sacrifice was really moving, and the Time-Spinner is pretty much what I was thinking of when I painted the old lady. I do love how she becomes unstuck in time, confused about what's happened when. It gave the character and the piece some humor. The relationship between the girls was nicely done. I had a clear sense of personality from all of the characters. I thought the picture use was strong, the pipe was used with good effect to set up the relationship between the girls, and as I said, I loved the use of the old lady knitting. The deer's skull was probably the weakest link here, but it still tied well enough to Avari's sacrifice for me to count it as above average use.
I had a few issues with the reason behind the plane crash, why Avari couldn't talk to Sarah in the year after her death, were Avari's adoptive parents in on the deal or were they just pawns, which begs the question would they have died in the plane crash without Avari? Or were they not with her? I think if Avari could have come up with a clear answer as to why she couldn't tell her secrets, it would have been easier for Sarah to decide to help, but as it was, I felt like Sarah helped because she had no choice, not because she wanted to. With more time, I'm sure you could remedy these small problems. It did feel a little rushed at the end, but overall, this is a great little piece.
My war hammer has been quiet for a few days, maybe because it's hunger was slaked by Tad K, Toras and Cevalic? As I began to write though, it began to hum, something that sounded like a dwarven marching song. AsI reached the end of my judgement, it started its familiar wail and scream.
EP, I'm sorry, but even without the editing question, for me this round goes to Avatar V, who wrote me a story with heart. Crunch.
Rodrigo Istalindir
EP --
This story just oozes cool. I was instantly transported into a world I wanted to read about, and more than just a short story. The characters are drawn economically but well, with a little bit of flashback to flesh them out. More would have been welcome, but I appreciate the constraints of the contest and will content myself with what was there. The dialogue is spot-on, and the action scene is effective, just the right length, and exciting. This is a story that demands a longer treatment, with the backstories of the companions and their journey to the Abyss.
It's hard to fault someone for not writing a full-length novel in 72 hours. But the strength of the story, for me, lay in what was implied more than in what was written (good as it was). By limiting the scope to the climax, it feels like an excerpt instead of a stand-alone work. Still, if the worst thing someone can say is that it was too short, I think that's pretty impressive.
There were some minor editing and grammatical errors, consistent with the hurried pace that the endeavor requires, but nothing major.
Picture use was pretty good. The post-apoc feel of the cattle skull on the rusted girder was brilliant -- it immediately set the mood and established part of the backstory. It had significance beyond its simple appearance. The amusement park ride, not so much. It needed something else to tie it into the events. The old lady and the ball of yarn was clever, if a little too abstract.
Avatar V
This is a very good, almost definitive, Ceramic DM story. It's clear that the pciture inspired the tale, rather than being shoe-horned into a preconceived story. The writing is tight, the pacing good, and there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. It takes the time to make you care aboyt the characters so that when bad things happen, it hurts. It hits all the right notes.
A couple minor criticisms. I found the text to be a little dry in the parts before and after the meeting with the Fate -- your dialogue was stronger than the narrative portions. Also, any story involving the manipulation of time invites nit-picking at the details -- if you were going to befriend someone and earn their trust, why not a Navy SEAL or something, for example. Still, that's a peril of the genre and not a failure of the story.
Picture use was exceptional. Every piece had a role to play in the story, and the supporting text was exceptional in how it accomodated the little details. Nothing was in a vaccuum. The skull picture would have been rather weak, but you took the time to set up its appearance and when it did show up, it was poignant instead of jarring. The old woman as a psuedo-Fate was a little obvious, but again the story took it for inspiration and ran with it.
I like EPs story better in a visceral way, but Avatar V's story is the stronger in terms of this contest. Despite a commendable effort by EP, I think Avatar V takes this match.
Avatar V advances, 3-0, in a match closer than the final tally would indicate. Great job, both of you.
Herremann the Wise
I suppose the first thing to deal with here is the issue of editing after posting. This has been a rule since the beginning and is one that should not be allowed to be transgressed in my opinion. EN World has a preview post page allowing editing before posting and this is the method I suggest competitors use. Call me hard arsed and ol’ fashioned (lawful neutral even) but after careful consideration, this is my final opinion on the matter. However, there are two other judges whose opinions may differ and besides which, there would be nothing that sucks more than my Dyson other than putting in the hard slog only to be denied by fixing up a few tabs. As such, we shall see how this turns out.
EP has done a lot of good things here that I think are worth noting. Many competitors shy away from character stereotypes but “Gunfight on the Plains of the Abyss” is a stellar example of how to use them and use them well. It is almost like giving your reader an express connection to your piece, giving them the opportunity to soak up so much in an economy of words. You allow the reader to fill in the inevitable gaps in the writing. This does two things. It allows you to squeeze more information into your story with the expectation that your reader is going to pick most of it up, and secondly, because they are joining the dots up, they are helping you create your world in their head giving them a degree of ownership over the product.
For me, I loved the characterisation in EP’s story. What was particularly effective was when he started making the interconnections between the characters (Duke and Mary Ann). With more time, I think this could have been expanded to include Richard and Father Ramirez to wonderful effect, adding a further layer of depth. However, while the characterisation was established so well, other elements could have been tweaked to match. Unfortunately, these other important elements lagged in comparison. While the action was there (and delightfully delivered), the eventual tension that would make or break this piece was lacking.
About halfway through, the tension that was nicely developing was extinguished by the sheer ability of the crew. It looked like they could take down anything... and they did, with barely a scratch. If the power and terror of Azraeil could have been emphasized, if the fear that she could take the crew down was in my mind, then the ending would have been magnificent. Still, I did enjoy the action.
I will give one more comment as well. If the mission details had have been transferred to the reader in the first half of the story, rather than in the second half, I think the story would have been framed more purposefully, adding to the overall strength of delivery. I get the feeling that this piece was written more by a ‘seat of the pants’ style rather than with careful planning (and the energy from this writing style is definitely well received). This means though that the looseness of important story elements can come back to bite you and unfortunately, I think this detracts ever so slightly from what was otherwise a good ride.
And finally, picture use aside from the ‘building with skull attached’ was definitely of the so-so variety. You were able to incorporate the images into a single whole which is always an achievement, but the cart picture was a classic “throwaway” while the four armed “demon” was only OK/suitable. More could have been developed but the genre of the story ran roughshod over these. If the story elements were all spot on, I would have ignored this but as they weren’t, picture use becomes a slight issue.
On the whole though, well done.
Now Avatar_V almost gave me a ‘top three CDM of all time’ story. Almost. I wanted it. One page from the finish and the smile on my face made me believe I was going to get it. It was... almost there. If the simplicity of the ending had have been beefed up to match the rest of the story, if I could have just got a few more tense moments of action from a finish that felt slightly rushed, then I would have handed you the medal on the spot. As it was however, it was ‘only’ mere brilliance.
The tempo of the piece was excellent, carrying the reader on a wonderful wave of questions, thoughts and ideas. The story tapped into so many emotions, delicately exploring the very fabric of friendship in a way I did not see coming. The picture use was pretty much the best I’ve seen (qualified by the fact that only three images needed to be incorporated). It was like every nuance out of such a diverse series of pictures was nurtured to the page. The deer’s skull framed the entire story (at the very start and at the very end), the silly cart scene was given impact and extended into the underlying theme of friendship. And then the four armed knitting grandma was given importance and place in such a fantastical way. Please good people reading this judgment, read this story once more to see what I mean in terms of stellar image use.
Everything was there except a truly plausible finish. I don’t know, perhaps it is just me wanting Avari’s sacrifice to be even more poignant. Unfortunately, the tension of possible failure was all too quickly erased, the moment of will she or will she not succeed was answered too quickly. Again, maybe it is just me. This story deserves to stand on its own without me derailing it too much. As such, I shall simply say that Avatar_V takes this match, (despite a sterling effort from EP) and in my opinion is confidently the best story of the first round. Congratulations!
maxfieldjadenfox
EP, I'm not sure what to do about you going back in and editing your post. I don't feel like I'm the one to decide whether your entry should be accepted after the edit. I'll approach it like it is though, and talk a bit about it.
You have written a western style D&D adventure. While the tone is spot on, I felt like your picture use was sub-par, with the exception of the old lady knitting. That knocked my socks off. Using her as a demon was really unexpected, and the picture was integral to the whole story. Sadly, the deer skull and the amusement park really felt shoe horned in, only part of the story because you had to use them. They did add to the atmosphere though, and your description of the pictures themselves was well done.
There is a lot of good descriptive stuff here. The atmosphere is great, post apocalyptic and gritty. I like the idea of western characters, but outside of Mary Ann, I really didn't have much of a sense of who they were. A little generic, but granted it's difficult to get much character development in a short short story, especially with multiple characters.
Avatar V, great first effort. I really dug this story. The characters were well thought out, and I cared about them, no mean feat with the time and length constraints. There was a clear progression, a beginning, middle and end that made the story feel complete. Avari's sacrifice was really moving, and the Time-Spinner is pretty much what I was thinking of when I painted the old lady. I do love how she becomes unstuck in time, confused about what's happened when. It gave the character and the piece some humor. The relationship between the girls was nicely done. I had a clear sense of personality from all of the characters. I thought the picture use was strong, the pipe was used with good effect to set up the relationship between the girls, and as I said, I loved the use of the old lady knitting. The deer's skull was probably the weakest link here, but it still tied well enough to Avari's sacrifice for me to count it as above average use.
I had a few issues with the reason behind the plane crash, why Avari couldn't talk to Sarah in the year after her death, were Avari's adoptive parents in on the deal or were they just pawns, which begs the question would they have died in the plane crash without Avari? Or were they not with her? I think if Avari could have come up with a clear answer as to why she couldn't tell her secrets, it would have been easier for Sarah to decide to help, but as it was, I felt like Sarah helped because she had no choice, not because she wanted to. With more time, I'm sure you could remedy these small problems. It did feel a little rushed at the end, but overall, this is a great little piece.
My war hammer has been quiet for a few days, maybe because it's hunger was slaked by Tad K, Toras and Cevalic? As I began to write though, it began to hum, something that sounded like a dwarven marching song. AsI reached the end of my judgement, it started its familiar wail and scream.
EP, I'm sorry, but even without the editing question, for me this round goes to Avatar V, who wrote me a story with heart. Crunch.
Rodrigo Istalindir
EP --
This story just oozes cool. I was instantly transported into a world I wanted to read about, and more than just a short story. The characters are drawn economically but well, with a little bit of flashback to flesh them out. More would have been welcome, but I appreciate the constraints of the contest and will content myself with what was there. The dialogue is spot-on, and the action scene is effective, just the right length, and exciting. This is a story that demands a longer treatment, with the backstories of the companions and their journey to the Abyss.
It's hard to fault someone for not writing a full-length novel in 72 hours. But the strength of the story, for me, lay in what was implied more than in what was written (good as it was). By limiting the scope to the climax, it feels like an excerpt instead of a stand-alone work. Still, if the worst thing someone can say is that it was too short, I think that's pretty impressive.
There were some minor editing and grammatical errors, consistent with the hurried pace that the endeavor requires, but nothing major.
Picture use was pretty good. The post-apoc feel of the cattle skull on the rusted girder was brilliant -- it immediately set the mood and established part of the backstory. It had significance beyond its simple appearance. The amusement park ride, not so much. It needed something else to tie it into the events. The old lady and the ball of yarn was clever, if a little too abstract.
Avatar V
This is a very good, almost definitive, Ceramic DM story. It's clear that the pciture inspired the tale, rather than being shoe-horned into a preconceived story. The writing is tight, the pacing good, and there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. It takes the time to make you care aboyt the characters so that when bad things happen, it hurts. It hits all the right notes.
A couple minor criticisms. I found the text to be a little dry in the parts before and after the meeting with the Fate -- your dialogue was stronger than the narrative portions. Also, any story involving the manipulation of time invites nit-picking at the details -- if you were going to befriend someone and earn their trust, why not a Navy SEAL or something, for example. Still, that's a peril of the genre and not a failure of the story.
Picture use was exceptional. Every piece had a role to play in the story, and the supporting text was exceptional in how it accomodated the little details. Nothing was in a vaccuum. The skull picture would have been rather weak, but you took the time to set up its appearance and when it did show up, it was poignant instead of jarring. The old woman as a psuedo-Fate was a little obvious, but again the story took it for inspiration and ran with it.
I like EPs story better in a visceral way, but Avatar V's story is the stronger in terms of this contest. Despite a commendable effort by EP, I think Avatar V takes this match.
Avatar V advances, 3-0, in a match closer than the final tally would indicate. Great job, both of you.
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