ENW Short Story Smackdown Summer 07 (Winner Announced)
- Thread starter Rodrigo Istalindir
- Start date
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Geez. I take a few days off and usurpers want to take my place! I'll be back in town on Saturday and I'll try to send judgments on Sunday, K?awayfarer said:
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
OK, I finally got my judgements for the two actual contests sent to Rodrigo. Obviously Trench and Yangnome advance, but I will write critiques for you guys before the next round starts, OK? All of you going to the con, have fun and be careful.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Thanks, max. Still no word from Herremann -- I wonder if Lady Death sliced his internet connection again? We've got two advancing by default, and one that max and I agree on, but the remaining match I need a tiebreaker.
I'll post max's and my judgements in the morning. Maybe I'll see something from Herremann by then.
I'll post max's and my judgements in the morning. Maybe I'll see something from Herremann by then.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Awayfarer vs Avatar V - partial judgement
Rodrigo Istalindir
Awayfarer vs Avatar V
Both stories had a shall we say 'sillier' tone this time around. It's a nice change of pace; too often the CDM pictures inspire darker tales, so mixing things up is good.
Awayfarer's fractured fairy tale had me laughing out loud. It's tone is is consistent, spot on, and funny. It takes its premise seriously, though, and sticks with it throughout. "Hey, somebody's been whacked with my gun' is just priceless.
Picture use is a mixed bag. The men at the urinal servers well enough to introduce the characters and set the tone. The tree as a wizard's home plays nicely into traditional uses and helps sell the fish out of water aspects of the story. The girl with her shadow is a little weak, but redeemed by additional references to Burning Hair's shadow later on. It would have worked better, though, if her shadow had played a more important role in the story. The man in the t-shirt is pretty much a throwaway, though. Humorous, but the way it is worked into the story is kinda awkward.
Avatar V brings another fish out of water tale. His alien on a machine is also terribly funny, and the text is very well written. It has a nice payoff at the end, too, and one I didn't see coming at all. The only real weakness from a story standpoint is it's rather perfunctory; a little real tension would have made the funny bits even funnier. As it is, Grikzxax just seems to wander from scene to scene rather than have to work at it. Still, for a humorous tale, not a real problem.
Picture use is very good. Raine dancing with her shadow is pretty straightfoward, but played well for comedic effect. Dylan and his t-shirt is the weakest of the bunch; it serves no story purpose at all, really. But the men's room scene is hysterical and consistent with the other events in the story. The elven home at the end is very good, as well, as it really sells the twist conclusion.
Both of these stories were really, really good. I'm throwing this one to Avatar V, though, as I think the picture use was a little better, and the narrative flowed more smoothly. Awayfarer's story still has me chuckling, though. Thanks, both of you, these were both very enjoyable to read (and hard to judge).
maxfieldjadenfox
Awayfarer Vs Avatar V
Mooks and Magic: Awayfarer. Your story made me laugh out loud several times. I thought it was genius to have the thugs do the three bears, and damn, when Vinny said "hey, somebody's been whacked with my gun," I really almost wet myself. The tone was spot on, and in my opinion as a Sicilian girl, you did the thug's lingo real nice. The Indians were very funny too. A couple of minor issues. You said quite instead of quit, and moth instead of mouth- just typos, and not the sort that a spell check could have fixed. It's just a case of needing maybe one more thorough read.
As far as picture use goes, I really felt like the tree, bathroom and teepee/shadow pictures were very well used. They were integral to the story and worked fine. I loved the shadow especially, and having hit men move to an enchanted tree... Nice. But, I was less than impressed with the t-shirt picture. Not sure what else you could have done with it, (not my job, man) but I think it's kind of like using a picture as a picture. Or something. Anyway, it was the one thing that bugged me. It felt like it was only there because it had to be.
There was some grandma unfriendly content that should have been flagged. I thought the whole dryad sequence was pretty funny, but you missed the opportunity to do something with the checked/plaid bit. If you're going to go there, I say go there. All in all, I really got a kick out of this one, thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grikxzax Jr. and the Search for the Sacred Scroll: Avatar V, this is a fun quest story with a lot of witty cultural asides. The fish out of water story gets told pretty regularly, but you told it well with your teenaged alien protagonist. Grikxzax's confusion about the toes, the bathroom, and the recipe were pretty funny, but something felt like it was lacking, and I'm not exactly sure what it was. Maybe the quest was too simple, or maybe the stakes just weren't high enough for me to care?
The whole story felt a little rushed, I know all of the characters were links to the final solution, but I didn't get to know any of them much. The character Raine was engaging and goofy. I would have liked to see more from her. Dylan and Vinny were pretty sketchy (in every sense of the word. )
I had a brief moment of confusinon on reading the following sentence: “Oh, you know, the usual stuff,” Grikxzax shrugged, “campaigning for the primaries. But, what about you – shouldn’t you be with your family on the mother-ship?” I think it should be Xrinthus shrugging, shouldn't it? It's a little mistake, but an important one.
The picture use was interesting if not inspired. Once again, I thought the tree, bathroom and teepee/shadow pictures were pretty well used. I think you did slightly better than Awayfarer with the t-shirt picture.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grikxzax Jr. and the Search for the Sacred Scroll was well-written, and smart, but it just didn't grab me the way Mooks and Magic did. It appears that the war hammer agrees, it has been revving up to a scream for the last 10 minutes and shows no sign of stopping. I looked at a few rare book stores while I was in California, but still didn't find anything to give me a clear idea what the war hammer is saying. (Wish I could have made it to Berkley, I'm sure they would have had something to help me out.) All I know is that it wants blood, and this time it gets Avatar V's. Sorry, A.V., you did good work this round!
So, Awayfarer and Avatar V are tied 1-1, and await the tiebreaker
Rodrigo Istalindir
Awayfarer vs Avatar V
Both stories had a shall we say 'sillier' tone this time around. It's a nice change of pace; too often the CDM pictures inspire darker tales, so mixing things up is good.
Awayfarer's fractured fairy tale had me laughing out loud. It's tone is is consistent, spot on, and funny. It takes its premise seriously, though, and sticks with it throughout. "Hey, somebody's been whacked with my gun' is just priceless.
Picture use is a mixed bag. The men at the urinal servers well enough to introduce the characters and set the tone. The tree as a wizard's home plays nicely into traditional uses and helps sell the fish out of water aspects of the story. The girl with her shadow is a little weak, but redeemed by additional references to Burning Hair's shadow later on. It would have worked better, though, if her shadow had played a more important role in the story. The man in the t-shirt is pretty much a throwaway, though. Humorous, but the way it is worked into the story is kinda awkward.
Avatar V brings another fish out of water tale. His alien on a machine is also terribly funny, and the text is very well written. It has a nice payoff at the end, too, and one I didn't see coming at all. The only real weakness from a story standpoint is it's rather perfunctory; a little real tension would have made the funny bits even funnier. As it is, Grikzxax just seems to wander from scene to scene rather than have to work at it. Still, for a humorous tale, not a real problem.
Picture use is very good. Raine dancing with her shadow is pretty straightfoward, but played well for comedic effect. Dylan and his t-shirt is the weakest of the bunch; it serves no story purpose at all, really. But the men's room scene is hysterical and consistent with the other events in the story. The elven home at the end is very good, as well, as it really sells the twist conclusion.
Both of these stories were really, really good. I'm throwing this one to Avatar V, though, as I think the picture use was a little better, and the narrative flowed more smoothly. Awayfarer's story still has me chuckling, though. Thanks, both of you, these were both very enjoyable to read (and hard to judge).
maxfieldjadenfox
Awayfarer Vs Avatar V
Mooks and Magic: Awayfarer. Your story made me laugh out loud several times. I thought it was genius to have the thugs do the three bears, and damn, when Vinny said "hey, somebody's been whacked with my gun," I really almost wet myself. The tone was spot on, and in my opinion as a Sicilian girl, you did the thug's lingo real nice. The Indians were very funny too. A couple of minor issues. You said quite instead of quit, and moth instead of mouth- just typos, and not the sort that a spell check could have fixed. It's just a case of needing maybe one more thorough read.
As far as picture use goes, I really felt like the tree, bathroom and teepee/shadow pictures were very well used. They were integral to the story and worked fine. I loved the shadow especially, and having hit men move to an enchanted tree... Nice. But, I was less than impressed with the t-shirt picture. Not sure what else you could have done with it, (not my job, man) but I think it's kind of like using a picture as a picture. Or something. Anyway, it was the one thing that bugged me. It felt like it was only there because it had to be.
There was some grandma unfriendly content that should have been flagged. I thought the whole dryad sequence was pretty funny, but you missed the opportunity to do something with the checked/plaid bit. If you're going to go there, I say go there. All in all, I really got a kick out of this one, thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grikxzax Jr. and the Search for the Sacred Scroll: Avatar V, this is a fun quest story with a lot of witty cultural asides. The fish out of water story gets told pretty regularly, but you told it well with your teenaged alien protagonist. Grikxzax's confusion about the toes, the bathroom, and the recipe were pretty funny, but something felt like it was lacking, and I'm not exactly sure what it was. Maybe the quest was too simple, or maybe the stakes just weren't high enough for me to care?
The whole story felt a little rushed, I know all of the characters were links to the final solution, but I didn't get to know any of them much. The character Raine was engaging and goofy. I would have liked to see more from her. Dylan and Vinny were pretty sketchy (in every sense of the word. )
I had a brief moment of confusinon on reading the following sentence: “Oh, you know, the usual stuff,” Grikxzax shrugged, “campaigning for the primaries. But, what about you – shouldn’t you be with your family on the mother-ship?” I think it should be Xrinthus shrugging, shouldn't it? It's a little mistake, but an important one.
The picture use was interesting if not inspired. Once again, I thought the tree, bathroom and teepee/shadow pictures were pretty well used. I think you did slightly better than Awayfarer with the t-shirt picture.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grikxzax Jr. and the Search for the Sacred Scroll was well-written, and smart, but it just didn't grab me the way Mooks and Magic did. It appears that the war hammer agrees, it has been revving up to a scream for the last 10 minutes and shows no sign of stopping. I looked at a few rare book stores while I was in California, but still didn't find anything to give me a clear idea what the war hammer is saying. (Wish I could have made it to Berkley, I'm sure they would have had something to help me out.) All I know is that it wants blood, and this time it gets Avatar V's. Sorry, A.V., you did good work this round!
So, Awayfarer and Avatar V are tied 1-1, and await the tiebreaker
WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
So, that means that my match is the one with a 2-0 decision. Hmmm....
POST IT!
POST IT!
Similar Threads
