Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
FickleGM said:So, that means that my match is the one with a 2-0 decision. Hmmm....
POST IT!
I started to this morning, but then I went back and re-read both. Now I'm not so certain I agree with max.
ENW Short Story Smackdown Summer 07 (Winner Announced)
- Thread starter Rodrigo Istalindir
- Start date
I started to this morning, but then I went back and re-read both. Now I'm not so certain I agree with max.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
FickleGM vs FreeXenon
maxfieldjadenfox
Extinction
I find it amazing that you could make me care about a monster, FickleGM. That is no mean feat, especially in such a short story. Ogg's bewilderment at the world was well written, and I definitely got the undercurrent of the homeless as disposable and invisible. A little social commentary always makes me happy. I thought most of the pictures were well used, but the game control seemed a bit forced. I also felt like you told instead of showing, which made the story a bit dry. There were a couple of mistakes that could have been found with another read through, like:
Perhaps they don't take care about each other any more. If this was intentional, the stilted speech should have been used throughout, and might have actually enhanced Ogg's voice.
I've actually written for money, but while you do get a copy editor once someone likes your stuff enough to publish it, competition is stiff in the writing world and you won't get past the slush pile with errors that look like you don't care, or worse, don't have a great command of the language. Trust me, I know the pressure of knocking one of these out in 72 hours, but reading your entry aloud before you post it will help you avoid most mistakes (not all of them, but at least the obvious ones). I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I really do like the story a lot, and felt sad for the two brothers. Writing pathos well is a gift, and you made it look pretty effortless to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ascension
This is an interesting story. The circular use of the mural works quite well. When I first saw a picture used as a picture I went, "uh oh," but you made it work. The other picture use is adequate, but nothing really knocked my socks off. Also, unfortunately, I am a grammar freak, and you have again broken my cardinal tense changing rule. Several times. The most obvious time was:
"Anton tapped his left arm a few times trying readjust the servos back into place. His cybernetic arm has been recently damage in a 'misunderstanding'" Tapped, trying and has do not agree. His arm had been damaged. I hate to sound like a broken record, but a good story will only get you so far. Writing is a craft, and as such has rules. You have a great imagination and some really fun ideas, but the mistakes really pull me right out of the story. It also has a meandering quality which can work under some circumstances, but not in a story where you're trying to build suspense. The payoff, the protagonist getting trapped, is great, but the suspense got diluted. I really got jarred by the story going from first to third person or maybe I was just never clear who was telling the story... and I don't think I ever quite recovered.
The warhammer has been humming something that resembles a cross between an 80's hair band anthem type song and the Battle Hymn of the Republic, but is now revving up to its keening scream. I'll be glad when this competition is over. My poor old dog is in the very back room of my house howling, and the ancient cat is hiding under the bed. The hammer is only happy when it's reducing someone to jelly. Sorry, FreeXenon, but you're the flavor of the night. Squish.
Rodrigo Istalindir
I've hemmed and hawed, wavered, flip-flopped, and finally reached a decision.
We've got two very different stories, with different strengths and weaknesses. I found FickleGMs story to be frustrating. It reached for something different, but the writing I thought was detached. There should have been some emotional resonance with the main character, but the voice was so dispassionate there was no impact. Picture use is perfunctory with the exception of the first. Using the freaks as the protagonists was a good choice -- it would have been easy to cast them as the bad guys, but taking the approach you did was clever and lends the picture some weight and pathos. The remainder are adequate, but nothing really stands out.
FreeXenon's story had a little more emotion to it. There seemed to be a little depth to the main character, and some sense of a greater story. The writing was very uneven, though, and it could have used another pass to clean up some of the more obvious shifts in tense and what have you. The McGuffin was a little off-putting, too -- the frivolity of 'spiced kelp balls' seemed out of place with the rest of the tale. (At least they weren't 'Schwetty salty balls' though), The descriptions were very good, though, and the pacing was tight and consistent. Picture use was pretty weak. The painting as a mural skirts way too close to the edge, and the others seemed merely descriptive and not essential to the tale.
By a hair, I judge this on in favor of FickleGM.
FickleGM advances, 2-0. (Hopefully Herremann will have some feedback, even if the vote doesn't matter).
maxfieldjadenfox
Extinction
I find it amazing that you could make me care about a monster, FickleGM. That is no mean feat, especially in such a short story. Ogg's bewilderment at the world was well written, and I definitely got the undercurrent of the homeless as disposable and invisible. A little social commentary always makes me happy. I thought most of the pictures were well used, but the game control seemed a bit forced. I also felt like you told instead of showing, which made the story a bit dry. There were a couple of mistakes that could have been found with another read through, like:
Perhaps they don't take care about each other any more. If this was intentional, the stilted speech should have been used throughout, and might have actually enhanced Ogg's voice.
I've actually written for money, but while you do get a copy editor once someone likes your stuff enough to publish it, competition is stiff in the writing world and you won't get past the slush pile with errors that look like you don't care, or worse, don't have a great command of the language. Trust me, I know the pressure of knocking one of these out in 72 hours, but reading your entry aloud before you post it will help you avoid most mistakes (not all of them, but at least the obvious ones). I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I really do like the story a lot, and felt sad for the two brothers. Writing pathos well is a gift, and you made it look pretty effortless to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ascension
This is an interesting story. The circular use of the mural works quite well. When I first saw a picture used as a picture I went, "uh oh," but you made it work. The other picture use is adequate, but nothing really knocked my socks off. Also, unfortunately, I am a grammar freak, and you have again broken my cardinal tense changing rule. Several times. The most obvious time was:
"Anton tapped his left arm a few times trying readjust the servos back into place. His cybernetic arm has been recently damage in a 'misunderstanding'" Tapped, trying and has do not agree. His arm had been damaged. I hate to sound like a broken record, but a good story will only get you so far. Writing is a craft, and as such has rules. You have a great imagination and some really fun ideas, but the mistakes really pull me right out of the story. It also has a meandering quality which can work under some circumstances, but not in a story where you're trying to build suspense. The payoff, the protagonist getting trapped, is great, but the suspense got diluted. I really got jarred by the story going from first to third person or maybe I was just never clear who was telling the story... and I don't think I ever quite recovered.
The warhammer has been humming something that resembles a cross between an 80's hair band anthem type song and the Battle Hymn of the Republic, but is now revving up to its keening scream. I'll be glad when this competition is over. My poor old dog is in the very back room of my house howling, and the ancient cat is hiding under the bed. The hammer is only happy when it's reducing someone to jelly. Sorry, FreeXenon, but you're the flavor of the night. Squish.
Rodrigo Istalindir
I've hemmed and hawed, wavered, flip-flopped, and finally reached a decision.
We've got two very different stories, with different strengths and weaknesses. I found FickleGMs story to be frustrating. It reached for something different, but the writing I thought was detached. There should have been some emotional resonance with the main character, but the voice was so dispassionate there was no impact. Picture use is perfunctory with the exception of the first. Using the freaks as the protagonists was a good choice -- it would have been easy to cast them as the bad guys, but taking the approach you did was clever and lends the picture some weight and pathos. The remainder are adequate, but nothing really stands out.
FreeXenon's story had a little more emotion to it. There seemed to be a little depth to the main character, and some sense of a greater story. The writing was very uneven, though, and it could have used another pass to clean up some of the more obvious shifts in tense and what have you. The McGuffin was a little off-putting, too -- the frivolity of 'spiced kelp balls' seemed out of place with the rest of the tale. (At least they weren't 'Schwetty salty balls' though), The descriptions were very good, though, and the pacing was tight and consistent. Picture use was pretty weak. The painting as a mural skirts way too close to the edge, and the others seemed merely descriptive and not essential to the tale.
By a hair, I judge this on in favor of FickleGM.
FickleGM advances, 2-0. (Hopefully Herremann will have some feedback, even if the vote doesn't matter).
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
FreeXenon said:Thanks for the input, guys. I know that I really struggle with the tense issue. I am hoping that it was better this time around.
A lot of writers struggle with that, and I think everyone falls into the trap from time to time, especially when they shift from largely passive descriptions to action scenes (or at least, that's when I tend to blow it).
Next time, though, I'd suggest concentrating on the picture use. That was the real tie-breaker for me -- FickleGM's story needed that picture for the ogres, whereas in yours, the pictures were useful but not essential. A truly lopsided contest quality-wise in CDM is rare; more often than not its the pictures that make the difference. And really, that's how it should be
Avatar_V
First Post
Thanks for the feedback and for posting the partial decision. As soon as I heard there was one undecided, I suspected it was mine As I was discussing with Awayfarer previously, I think that our stories are similar in both style and quality. Also, I appreciate the tips on how to make the story stronger - the point about raising the suspense, even in a comedic piece, is well taken. That style is new to me, so I especially appreciate the inupt.
And I think you're right, Max, about me attributing that line of dialog to the wrong character. Oops!
As I was discussing with Awayfarer previously, I think that our stories are similar in both style and quality. Also, I appreciate the tips on how to make the story stronger - the point about raising the suspense, even in a comedic piece, is well taken. That style is new to me, so I especially appreciate the inupt.And I think you're right, Max, about me attributing that line of dialog to the wrong character. Oops!
WhimsyTheFae
Explorer
Thanks for the judgments and the feedback. As always, it is appreciated (and never too harsh 
).
FreeXenon, keep writing, keep improving and come back next time. Thanks for well wishes.
). FreeXenon, keep writing, keep improving and come back next time. Thanks for well wishes.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
I'm off to GenCon. I'll have my smartphone, so if I hear from Herremann I'll post an update. Round 3 will start when I get back. Thanks for playing, and thanks for your patience. And thanks for some great stories, too.
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