Enworlds Funniest Critical Hits and Fumbles!

[Shemeska]

In 'Pieces and Parts' a body parts shop in Sigil run by a Dust Mephit known as Seamusxanthuszemus (slayer of fiends and merchant most excellant!) one of the players got into an argument over prices of a spell componant. The rather mercurial mephit was being his ever so godawfully annoying self, and so the player threatened him. Seamus hid behind the counter. The player repeated the threat and heard a squishing, gloppy sucking sound. Two nat 20's and a 19 later, I nearly fall over laughing to inform the player... "Congratulations, you've just been successfully crit'd with a kidney."

From behind the counter, the stunned PC hears the Mephit exclaim, "And I have another one where that came from!"

 

[Shemeska]

There was also the time during my current Planescape campaign that saw the PCs in the city of Portent on the 3rd mount of Gehenna. In Portent you can't fight, draw weapons in anger, or cast spells with the intention to harm another person. The town itself somehow forces you to settle conflicts with words, debate, deviousness and skill, and finding loopholes around the 'rules' the city as an entity imposes upon everyone there.

If you break that rule, the first round goes normally, the 2nd round the fight moves into your head and anything you do to what you think is the enemy you rather inflict upon yourself unless you make a will save to realize whats actually going on.

Well, some smoothtalking, utterly overconfidant thieves try to pickpocket overtly from the party, and at the same time insult them and dare them to even try to stop them. Egging them on into a fight in order to cause them to harm themselves while they watch and laugh and then steal from their corpses.

Well, one member of the party has been known to exclaim, "There's violence happening and I'm not a part of it?! Like a child on Christmas morning I can't go back to sleep!" ... that should tell you where this is going...

I didn't tell them any of this, because IC they didn't know, nor had they researched the city before going there really. Well, the 2nd round rolls around, and two characters who either did nothing the whole time, or realized what was happening, got told in the next room, away from the group what was actually happening in front of them, as they see the other members of the party start attacking themselves. They all got will saves to realize what was happening, and I was rolling them with the players unaware. I was rolling horribly... The following is a quote from the game:

Player1(the violence addict): *rolling dice* "Oh GEEZ two critical hits! This guy is SO DEAD!"

Players 2&3 the ones who know : "Yeah, aint that the irony!" *wide eyed as the rest of the party decimates itself*

Player4: *rolls dice* "Crit, Crit, Crit, lightning bolt! If he wasn't dead after the 1st round he is now!"

Players 2&3: *smack their foreheads and groan*

Player5 : Time Stop! 3 rounds! I cast disintigrate at each of them!

Player 2&3: &&*$&^%!!!

Me: *rolling fort saves for player5, which he fails*



The 2 aware members of the party and the npc tiefling finally on their turn tried to dispel any compulsions, then tackled the one other party member who didn't either disintigrate themself or knocked themselves out and ended the 'fight'.

They managed to grab back their stolen beltpouch and walk away, dragging their unconscious and bloody companions with them as the thieves laughed about as hard as they could.

I've rarely ever had to constrain myself from laughing in irony so much in my entire life. Especially when the players are getting criticals hits like there's no tommorow! And there almost wasn't for those characters! I was literally hiding my face behind the DM screen to avoid them seeing my contorted face, holding in the laughs.

 

[Wikidogre]

When 3rd ed first came out i was playing a converted character from 2nd ed. well we where jumped in town and i got tossed threw a window and found myslef fighting a bugbear by myself...(**We where 2nd level) so i could not hit for nothing with my longsword, 1's and 2's all over the place, untill my longsword gets sundared......well one feat i had was quickdraw, so my Dm at the time say i can quickdraw a new weapon......well i grabed my metal dinner plate by mistake, but was able to kill the bugbear by rolling 3 crits in a row, but i was knocked all the way down too 1 HP too.....then i forever became Morgann the killer with Plate.....that and as i gained levels i took wpn finnese, focus and spec with a sharpened metal plate.

 

[Tilla the Hun (work)]

Here's one I've heard oft repeated in my circles - though I wasn't in the game at the time.

Twas fantasy hero - with it's quirky ruleset.

It seems as though this player had just joined a medium to high level group, and was forced to generate a new character at first level.

So she did - a trollish berserker with an axe nearly as big as he was.

During the first gaming session, they disturb a great dragon, and flee to a nearby castle built into a mountain. The dragon chases them all the way. The troll, moving slower than the rest, is naturally the last one in through the gate and portcullis.

He turns and sees the dragon shove his head into the portcullis and prepare to breath on the party. With a mighty war cry, the troll swings hist great axe into the creatures head.

roll: *crit*
roll: *crit*
roll for crit damage: *crit* 4x crit damage and instant death.


The first level troll sunk his axe as big as he was into the brainpan of the dragon that the high level party ran from, killing it instantly.



On the flip side...

I was gming an early 3.0 edition dnd game about the same time as the second revision of the PHB. We were still very much in a 2e frame of mind, and I hadn't yet let go of my crit tables.

A group of 10 or so bandits in a great plains like area ambush a 2nd and 3rd lvl party on the road with 2 pikes flanked by 2 crossbowmen in front and back, with bowmen to the sides.

The party refuses to yield up hard earned money, and attacks.

At one point during the relatively brief fight, one crossbowman has succeeded in reloading his crossbow, but tried to shoot it in the same round, with a fighter charging him on horseback... apparently this rattled him quite a bit.

xbowman: roll to hit: *1*, roll to confirm fumble *1*, roll for severity (my translation to my crit charts) *1*.

Rolled percentile, crit fumble table tells me "Throw weapon at opponent, roll for attack", that came out 1,1,1... Reconsult percentile "Attack nearest comrade" ... quick look at map shows 2 comrades, both 10 feet apart from this guy, both about the same amount of 'in the line of fire' ::shrug:: roll to hit one and see if attack lands... *1*... Hmm, roll for severity again: *20*... percentile and consult table again...

To make a long story short, after about 7 or 8 rolls, the xbowman tried to shoot the charging fighter, ended up trying to throw his xbow at him instead, fumbled that as well, tossing the crossbow itself up into the air. It came down on one comrade, whose reaction was severe enough in knocking it away from him that it discharged and shot the other comrade.

Much, much laughter from the players.

 

[Clueless]

I've rarely ever had to constrain myself from laughing in irony so much in my entire life. Especially when the players are getting criticals hits like there's no tommorow! And there almost wasn't for those characters! I was literally hiding my face behind the DM screen to avoid them seeing my contorted face, holding in the laughs.

Aren't you glad I called subdual tactics for the group? Thinking from round one : "Oh come on. These stupid thieves don't deserve to *die* for being idiots... let's just knock them out and be done with it." *facepalm*