Epic Feats (humor--not from ELH playtest)

[Lazybones]

Well, since all the speculation threads about the ELH are being spoiled by that darned playtest document being bandied about by internet pirates, I thought I'd offer some genuine speculation about the soon to be released epic-level feats. As a disclaimer, I will state that I haven't read the playtest document, and when I see the epic level feats that have been published recently in Dragon and Dungeon I get a headache and a nosebleed and have to go back to the low-level stuff.

So anyway, here's my guesses about some feats that should be in the ELH (please feel free to add your own!):

CLEAVE TOWN (fighter)
Prereqs: Cleave, Great Cleave, Weapon Specialization, BAB +21, Epic Level
With a full-attack action and a melee weapon, this feat allows you to cleave a town equal in rating to your Epic Level (so a fighter with one epic level can cleave a hamlet, two levels can cleave a village, etc.). At least one of the buildings of the town must be within your Reach at the beginning of your action to begin the cleave.

EPIC POWER ATTACK (fighter)
Prereqs: Power Attack, BAB +21, Epic Level
By reducing your attack roll by your full BAB, you put all of your skill and might into a single powerful swing. If you hit, you not only kill your target, but all his/her living relatives.

EPIC DEFLECT STUFF
Prereqs: Improved Unarmed Attack, Deflect Arrows, Epic Level
As Deflect Arrows, except that the character can deflect any thrown or hurled or fired or falling item; e.g. boulders, houses, meteorites.

EPIC ITEM CREATION: MACGYVER
Prereqs: Any 6 Item Creation Feats, Epic Level
With this feat a mage can create any non-artifact magic item listed in the DMG in one hour, using only Popsicle sticks, a few pieces of bent metal, a few segments of string, and some assorted pebbles.

EPIC DODGE
Prereqs: Dodge, Black Leather Overcoat and Sunglasses, Epic Level
Character can dodge all attacks from any non-AI opponents.

EPIC EXOTIC WEAPON PROFICIENCY (fighter)
Prereqs: Six Exotic Weapon Proficiencies, Epic Level
Character can use any everyday household item (including, but not limited to, brooms, firewood, stuffed deer's head, bedspread, and paperweight) as a deadly weapon, striking for 2d6 (2d8 if the item is mercurial) damage with a critical modifier of 18-20/x2

EPIC FAR SHOT
Prereqs: Weapon Specialization in bow, Far Shot, Epic Level
Character can attack anyone on the same continent with no range modifier. Different continents on the same planet impose a –10 attack penalty. Targets on nearby moons, with DM approval, can be targeted with a –20 attack penalty.

 

[Blackthorne]

This is hilarious!

 

[rampant insanity]

LACK OF SPOON
Pre-Requisite: Must be The One or have met The One, or one of The One's relatives, or mowed his lawn, or been struck by one of his toenail clippings, or whatever....
Benefit: By repeating to himself that there is no spoon, you may , once per round, flip through the PHB and any Splatbook and apply any 4 spells with a casting time of 1 round or less to yourself as a free action.
Note: Since this requires the charachter to say "I am the One" and doing a dramatic pose, this feat does not work in a zone of silence or if there are no camera's on him. However, he may say it to himself in his head which counters the silence effect.

 

[rampant insanity]

one more I found....

EPIC REAL ULTIMATE POWER
pre-reqs: you must flip out and be totally sweeeeeeeeet
benefit: by wailing away on your axe, you may disintigrate several planes as a move-equivalent action while you are getting hot babes and chopping the head off a pirate. Now that's what I call REAL ULTIMATE POWER. You must look totally sweeeeeeeeeeet while you do this, or a ninja will chop your head off and not even care.

 

[Lazybones]

Ok, here's a few more...


EPIC IMPROVED CRITICAL
Prereqs: Improved Critical, Epic Level
The Epic Character improves his/her weapon critical threat range to 2-20, with a damage modifier of x(Epic Level attained x sum of all ability modifiers x pi).

EPIC IMPROVED DISARM
Prereqs: Improved Disarm, Epic Level
With a successful disarm attempt, the character removes an opponent’s arms.

EPIC TWO-WEAPON FIGHTING
Prereqs: More than one level in Ranger, Improved Two-Weapon Fighting, BAB +21, Epic Level
Character may fight with three weapons, even if he/she does not have more than two hands.

EPIC QUICKEN SPELL
Prereqs: Quicken Spell, Ability to cast 9th level spells, Epic Level
Character may cast all his/her spells at once as a free action.

EPIC WHIRLWIND ATTACK
Prereqs: Whirlwind Attack, Epic Level
As Whirlwind Attack, just remove the words “within 5 feet.”


Here’s the one I’m working toward, personally (even if it is entirely “munchkin” and broken):

EPIC ENWORLD POSTER
Prereqs: At least 10 ranks in Knowledge (D&D), 1,000+ posts, started at least one thread with over ten thousand view count
Ability to recognize obscure rules distinctions, regurgitate old threads from months past, and be instantly recognizable to a community of over 5,000 D&D fans with a successful Knowledge (D&D) check vs. DC20.

 

[Christian]

EPIC IMPROVED INITIATIVE
Prerequisites: Improved Initiative, Epic Levels, Dexterity 35+

The character does not need to roll initiative-he always goes first. And second. And third, and so on. Basically, he takes as many actions as he needs to slaughter an opponent before the opponent can even blink.

If he successfuly surprises an opponent, he can effectively kill the opponent up to five minutes before the beginning of the combat.

If two characters with Epic Improved Initiative meet in combat, this creates a rip in the space-time continuum which instantly destroys the universe. Be careful out there!

 

[Xarlen]

Called Shot (Epic).
Prerequisite: Far Shot, Precise Shot, Weapon Specalization (Ranged Weapon), Point Blank Shot.
Benefit: You must point at a target, and announce where you'll hit. Then spend a standard action. You are treated as though effected by the True Strike spell on your next ranged attack (Negating Cover, Invisibility, etc). If your next attack hits, and you roll anything except a 1, you hit the called area, and crit against it.

 

[apsuman]

EPIC EVEN MORE QUICKED SPELL

Prereqs: Quickened spell, apility to cast epic spells.

Caster may cast a spell that takes effect the round previous.

 

[apsuman]

EPIC CREATION

Prereqs: Knowledge (any) 50, concentration

With a successful concentration check (DC 4) the caster can imagine an item with such force that it materializes in reality.

This is a free action.

 

[apsuman]

EPIC FLANKING

Prereqs: heighten spell, Precise shot

You automatically flank every opponent. Even if alone.