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Fellow Player drives the group mad (Rant)
- Thread starter Dougal DeKree
- Start date
BlackMoria
First Post
Sounds like the individual in question as some emotional or self esteem issues.
His breaking into tears and leaving is a reaction to his perception that if someone says something negative about something his character has done, or if his ideas are ignored or if his character doesn't get his way - that that is a rejection of him as a person. And his only way to deal with that rejection is to leave with as much emotional drama as possible (an attempt to get people to feel sorry for him) and then write emails (another way to try to get sympathy from others).
Unfortuately, if this is the case, then there is not alot that your group can do to help. If you treat him with kid gloves to avoid the conflict, then your group compromises their fun as everyone has to try to walk on eggshells when dealing with the guy. Nor it is fun for the group for this person to keep leaving whenever he feels his self esteem has taken a blow.
Ultimately, he was to work it through, either with or without counselling. Sorry that I don't have any easy answer as to what to do with this individual in the meantime.
His breaking into tears and leaving is a reaction to his perception that if someone says something negative about something his character has done, or if his ideas are ignored or if his character doesn't get his way - that that is a rejection of him as a person. And his only way to deal with that rejection is to leave with as much emotional drama as possible (an attempt to get people to feel sorry for him) and then write emails (another way to try to get sympathy from others).
Unfortuately, if this is the case, then there is not alot that your group can do to help. If you treat him with kid gloves to avoid the conflict, then your group compromises their fun as everyone has to try to walk on eggshells when dealing with the guy. Nor it is fun for the group for this person to keep leaving whenever he feels his self esteem has taken a blow.
Ultimately, he was to work it through, either with or without counselling. Sorry that I don't have any easy answer as to what to do with this individual in the meantime.
Chimera
First Post
Henry said:
Having dealt with a lot of these things in my life (my ex-wife was a mentally ill drama queen), I'm with Henry on this.
As much as it might seem painful or harsh, you need to tell this person that they need to seek professional help (in a nice way). Trust me, you'll be doing them a favor. I'd perhaps suggest that they need a sympathetic ear, but you may or may not be the person for that.
And I'd probably tell the person outright that the next time they run from the game and/or send someone a long e-mail about how "mean" they're being (a favorite tactic of my ex), they're not coming back. And stick to it.
BlueBlackRed
Explorer
"Every successful business needs one -jerk-" (jerk is not the actual word originally used)
Change business to gaming group and it is still true.
Someone has to tell this guy to get his junk together or to move it somewhere else. How you confront him can be as diplomatic or callous as you like. But do not try to sugar-coat things. Be simple, direct, and honest.
If that does not happen, he will continue crying until someone who is worth keeping decides to quit. Then more players will quit until it's just you and the crybaby.
If it were my group, I'd turf him and ignore all future e-mails.
But, hey, I'm a jerk.
BBR
Change business to gaming group and it is still true.
Someone has to tell this guy to get his junk together or to move it somewhere else. How you confront him can be as diplomatic or callous as you like. But do not try to sugar-coat things. Be simple, direct, and honest.
If that does not happen, he will continue crying until someone who is worth keeping decides to quit. Then more players will quit until it's just you and the crybaby.
If it were my group, I'd turf him and ignore all future e-mails.
But, hey, I'm a jerk.
BBR
Dragon-Slayer
First Post
Buy a bag of socks. Then purchase several bars of soap............
And if that doesn't work. Just boot him. Gaming isn't worth the aggravation of a constant whiner. Everyone is there to have fun. This gamer might be a nice person otherwise, and if so, then maybe that person should slip into the 'non gaming friend category'.
And if that doesn't work. Just boot him. Gaming isn't worth the aggravation of a constant whiner. Everyone is there to have fun. This gamer might be a nice person otherwise, and if so, then maybe that person should slip into the 'non gaming friend category'.
This person sounds pretty ill to me - it looks like he needs some professional help. Unfortunately, it's not something you can provide him (and I know from experience that suggesting to someone that they get help isn't always the best thing to do!)
It's hard to suggest a course of action. Is he married, or does he have a girlfriend? Perhaps a word with her will help. Otherwise, do you know any of his family? If anyone can help him to get help, it's going to be someone like that.
It's hard to suggest a course of action. Is he married, or does he have a girlfriend? Perhaps a word with her will help. Otherwise, do you know any of his family? If anyone can help him to get help, it's going to be someone like that.
Nightchilde-2
First Post
"NO, NOT BLACKLEAF!!" 
You can try talking to the person, but it doesn't sound a whole heck of a lot like it's going to be much help. But, hey, maybe he just doesn't realize how much it destroys the fun for everyone. Maybe it'd cause him to "straighten up."
Personally, I'd kick him out. I had someone somewhat similar in a Vampire Dark Ages game I ran. When he tried to burn down the Prince's haven, the Prince staked him. He tore his sheet up, screamed and yelled for like 10 minutes and left. He came back a few minutes later, but we were like "sorry, dude, see you."
Life's too short to share your gaming table with such people.
You can try talking to the person, but it doesn't sound a whole heck of a lot like it's going to be much help. But, hey, maybe he just doesn't realize how much it destroys the fun for everyone. Maybe it'd cause him to "straighten up."
Personally, I'd kick him out. I had someone somewhat similar in a Vampire Dark Ages game I ran. When he tried to burn down the Prince's haven, the Prince staked him. He tore his sheet up, screamed and yelled for like 10 minutes and left. He came back a few minutes later, but we were like "sorry, dude, see you."
Life's too short to share your gaming table with such people.
Hmm, I was pretty emmotionally unstable in highschool so I have to sympathise with this guy some. Lonliness sucks and not being able to make friends sucks, and that's true even if it's your own fault because you treat people badly. He definitely seems to be treating you guys badly and I'm not saying you should let him or cater to him. I do think the kind thing to do though is to directly tell him when he's acting innapropriatly while also making it clear he's welcome to keep coming.
If he leaves because he can't handle being told when he's wrong then you've pretty much done all you could do. If he's really lonely he might stay anyway and he'll probably learn to act differently over time. Cutting people off might be neccesary sometimes. A lot of times I think we do it because it's easier than confrontation though, not because we have to. That seems like a wierd thing to do to another person.
This is just my opinion of course, and I full admit the possiblity that my lack of knowledge of this situation or of human nature might have caused me to be wrong.
I hope I haven't offended anybody.
If he leaves because he can't handle being told when he's wrong then you've pretty much done all you could do. If he's really lonely he might stay anyway and he'll probably learn to act differently over time. Cutting people off might be neccesary sometimes. A lot of times I think we do it because it's easier than confrontation though, not because we have to. That seems like a wierd thing to do to another person.
This is just my opinion of course, and I full admit the possiblity that my lack of knowledge of this situation or of human nature might have caused me to be wrong.
I hope I haven't offended anybody.
the Jester
Legend
Even if he were a good friend, it sounds like he's a terrible gamer. I'd kick him out of the group, regardless of other factors.
I think he should see a counselor.
I think he should see a counselor.
Okay, see, I have an issue here. The issue is more or less that on the one hand, I feel like I ought to advise seeking professional help and talking through this by demonstrating concern for his emotions and feelings... or, on the flip side, just kicking his butt to the curb. On the other hand, I wouldn't actually handle it that way, and I don't think many people here would, either. So giving advice that only works if you've got the patience of Buddha strikes me as somewhat less than helpful.
"Dude, this guy keeps kicking me in the shins. What should I do?"
"Transcend your earthly limitiations. Become more than just a body that has shins that are being kicked."
So, my advice, honestly, is to give the dude what he wants -- attention -- but to also call him on it.
"Look, we like you, we care about you, but if you're going to run off and pout every time somebody says something that you don't personally agree with, you're going to have a long and unpleasant life. As you've told me once or twice in your ten-page personally hurt e-mails, you've had a very hard life. That's swell. It's going to continue to be hard and unpleasant and full of chances for you to be victimized by harsh uncaring people until you pull your head out of your back pocket and actually learn to communicate with peoplle on some level other than 'You hurt my feelings, can't you see how deeply that wounds me?'
"We don't want to kick you out. We don't want to hurt your feelings. However, we're also not your therapists. Unless you want to pay us all $50 per hour to let you act rude and childish to us, you need to figure out a way to get your attitude under control. If you'd like to talk about it with one or all of us in a constructive way, we'd love to hear from you. We're your friends.
"But again. We're not your therapists. You are victimizing us with your behavior. You are making us feel the way you claim to feel every time you storm off in a pout and send us wounded ten-page e-mails. If life is unpleasant and you need someplace to come relax with people who aren't going to judge you or mock you unfairly or cast you out because of who you are, we can be your buddies and your haven. But acting spoiled and rude on a consistent basis will result in a loss of priveleges."
"Dude, this guy keeps kicking me in the shins. What should I do?"
"Transcend your earthly limitiations. Become more than just a body that has shins that are being kicked."
So, my advice, honestly, is to give the dude what he wants -- attention -- but to also call him on it.
"Look, we like you, we care about you, but if you're going to run off and pout every time somebody says something that you don't personally agree with, you're going to have a long and unpleasant life. As you've told me once or twice in your ten-page personally hurt e-mails, you've had a very hard life. That's swell. It's going to continue to be hard and unpleasant and full of chances for you to be victimized by harsh uncaring people until you pull your head out of your back pocket and actually learn to communicate with peoplle on some level other than 'You hurt my feelings, can't you see how deeply that wounds me?'
"We don't want to kick you out. We don't want to hurt your feelings. However, we're also not your therapists. Unless you want to pay us all $50 per hour to let you act rude and childish to us, you need to figure out a way to get your attitude under control. If you'd like to talk about it with one or all of us in a constructive way, we'd love to hear from you. We're your friends.
"But again. We're not your therapists. You are victimizing us with your behavior. You are making us feel the way you claim to feel every time you storm off in a pout and send us wounded ten-page e-mails. If life is unpleasant and you need someplace to come relax with people who aren't going to judge you or mock you unfairly or cast you out because of who you are, we can be your buddies and your haven. But acting spoiled and rude on a consistent basis will result in a loss of priveleges."
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