Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[Zelda Themelin]

To set the stage for this I'd like to say that I am a 21 year old University Student and that I am of course a gamer and a "nerd".

I recently went out with my girlfriend, who within the next year I will be engaged to, and somehow the topic game up that she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

I was rather bothered by this as being a gamer, being a "nerd" is part of who I am, and I told her that gaming was something I would be doing in one form or another for the rest of my life. She wasn't too thrilled by this, but we got to the mall and our discussion turned elsewhere.

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Dndungeoneer

I would find out if issue is about nature of hobby itself. If she hates you playing and hopes she can change you your realationship will be in crisis later unless you are going to stop playing, or she stops hating that you do.


If issue lies more with time spent in gaming, then it's not a bad one. When you get older you start to have less time for your beloved hobbies, since work and family will devour so much of your time. But if your hobby is important you find some time for it too, though not as much as right now.

In this case she simply believes you are not one of those sad cases who get so obsessed with their hobbies that they sacrifise potential job and family life for it.

Perhaps you should reinforce idea, that while you love your hobby, you are not going to let it dominate your life. You just want to keep it, and it's not different from other hobbies, just nerdy hobby you happen to love.


I had issues about gaming within my family. That and other control freaky issues contributed to really cold relationship. You can't choose your parents but you can choose your life mate, don't walk the bitter road. Solve these issues before you commit as family.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

To set the stage for this I'd like to say that I am a 21 year old University Student and that I am of course a gamer and a "nerd".

I recently went out with my girlfriend, who within the next year I will be engaged to, and somehow the topic game up that she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

I was rather bothered by this as being a gamer, being a "nerd" is part of who I am, and I told her that gaming was something I would be doing in one form or another for the rest of my life. She wasn't too thrilled by this, but we got to the mall and our discussion turned elsewhere.

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Dndungeoneer

Arriving a little late to the conversation...

Just remember this quote attributed to George Bernanrd Shaw:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing."

 

[Rel]

I've been married for upwards of 15 years now. To the same woman. There have been times when it's been a bit rough, but overall I think we've got a great relationship. I've been a gamer for that whole time and I'm pretty blessed with the fact that my wife has become a gamer during the course of our relationship. I've also had the opportunity to see the relationships of many other friends and how gaming and other hobbies relate to them. If I was to boil down my advice about the situation to the simplest terms I can think of, it would be these:

Your relationship can work fine if your spouse loves the same hobbies you do (but I still think it's good to spend some time apart).

Your relationship can work fine if your spouse is indifferent to your hobbies but respects your right to pursue them.

Your relationship cannot work fine if your spouse actively hates your hobbies.


Make sure that you are able to reciprocate in terms of giving her space to do her own thing too.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

To the OP, be sure to talk to your girlfriend about who you are and what matters to you. Your girlfriend and gaming should not be an either/or choice. If you two have a strong relationship, she should be able to accept your enjoyment of gaming as a fun hobby, and you should be able to accept that you may need to adjust your gaming habits. While you are talking, find out what she enjoys doing that you may not and encourage her in that.

One thing I've often seen in young relationships is the belief that you need to do everything together; that you wanting to do something on your own somehow says you love her less. I personally think that is a mistake and that each person in a couple needs to have some space to just be themselves, not "us."

17 years married to a woman who encourages (sometimes just tolerates) my enjoyment of gaming. I'm a lucky man.

 

[Haltherrion]

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Dndungeoneer

Beyond the realm of gaming, this is NOT GOOD. With the information you are providing, you are suggesting that your SO is not very flexible and is going to enforce her value system on your life. Ideally, your SO is more understanding of your hobbies and will allow you your own time.

Hell, my wife hates D&D (she has tried it a few times), was raised baptist but still has been quite understanding of letting me do my own thing. Similarly, there are some things she likes to do that I don't care for but I let her go her own way. Since neither of our 'own things' are immoral or illegal, this is a nice accomodation.

Your SO unfortunately does not demonstate such wisdom. Unless you want to give up a hobby you apparently enjoy, you need to set your own boundaries and tell her, firmly, NO. In the best outcome, she learns to accept that you will do things she does not like (remember your hobby does not harm her or anyone else). In the worst outcome, you learn something about your intended that makes you, perhaps, reconsider your commitment.

I'd give this some serious thought if I were you and I would not, personally, consider caving in. If you really don't care about gaming and have many other hobbies of equal or better enjoyment, sure, toss her a bone. But if you consider this one of your more important outlets, don't give in. Get your relationship to a point where she can accept this or call it off. It's clear cut.

I'm 47. I've been married 20 years. My wife can be considered judgemental by some but she knew gaming mattered to me from the beginning and has always been accomodating. I guess it doesn't hurt that early on, before we were even dating she played a succubus in an IFGS live-action RPG but stilll, she isn't a gamer and has plenty of pressure from her upbringing and her parents to not consider gaming 'approrpiate' and she learned to live with it.

And yes, she was scantily clad And yes, I was a shy gaming geek and a dork and let someone else kiss her.

 

[Kerranin]

I think that "Grow Up" is often used as a substitute for "I don't like that and I want you to stop!". (Which tbh is not a very grown up attitude)

Personally, I regard 'growing up' as, 'acting responsibly and considerately toward others', which incidentally does not preclude gaming as a hobby.

Oh, and in case it matters I am 40 and if I'm not grown up by now, I never will be.

 

[Sunseeker]

I think that "Grow Up" is often used as a substitute for "I don't like that and I want you to stop!". (Which tbh is not a very grown up attitude)

The irony! So delicious.

The more subtle irony is of course that this kind of attitude comes about, IMO, in that we raise our children by saying "I'm an adult, you must do as I say." and don't ease them into the world of adulthood where you can't pull that line anymore. It's that up until 16-18 until the parents say "Okay you're on your own now."

So too often people are left with thinking "adult" means "control".

 

[nedjer]

So too often people are left with thinking "adult" means "control".

That'd be why I harp on about encouraging kids to play RPGs as shared, player-choice fun instead of handed-down, 'this is how mature people play' and 'I (the adult) define fun' games.

There are too few media that are able to take us away from spoonfed fixed narratives and 'join the dots' gameplay without Tabletop RPGs becoming more 'adult' or 'mature' as defined above.

 

[kyoryu]

You're absolutely right honey, I should stop gaming.

If you need me, don't bother calling my cell. I won't be able to hear it over the music at the strip club, and I'll probably be too drunk to pick up the phone anyway. Try to ignore the stripper perfume smell when I cuddle up next to you at 3 am, okay?

 

[Zhaleskra]

I want to say that having poker night and inviting your buddies over to play RPGs is really no different. The core of what is really said in either situation is "would you like to come over and play?"