Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[Filcher]

Slightly off topic, but it begs the question: Why shouldn't adults play games?

Recall the parlor games the adults play in Christmas Carol? Once upon a time it was socially acceptable for adults to play games in the company of other adults. Now it is more acceptable to sit passively and watch other people play games, which makes no sense to me.

 

[nedjer]

Does she really want you to become dull and turn into your job at 25?

Hi, honey, I'm back from the game, it was great - lets talk/ party after I look in on the kid.

Hi, I'm really tired but I got through another five balance sheets. They were tricky, but I managed to . . . then we saved the spreadsheet in a csv format. . . Just want to watch sports and sleep.

 

[Starman]

Tell her you'll cast magic missile at her or use your ogre-slaying knife (+9 against ogres!) on her if she doesn't accept your game habit.

 

[pawsplay]

You're 21. Of course you having growing up to do. And so does she. And you will both do it in your own time. If you don't see yourself giving up gaming, you probably won't, and if you try, both you and she will probably be unhappy with the results.

 

[WizarDru]

I recently went out with my girlfriend, who within the next year I will be engaged to, and somehow the topic game up that she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

Not really knowing either of you, it's hard to make specific commentary on your situation in specific, but in general: if the person you intend to spend your life with goes beyond being indifferent to your personal hobbies to disapproving of them or even going so far as to be contemptuous of them, it will create an eventual problem. Playing games has nothing to do with maturity or the lack thereof.

I speak as a 42-year old who has been happily married to a female gamer for 17 years. We have two kids, now aged 13 and 10. Gaming is a big part of our lives and we use games as a way to spend time and bond together. One member of my gaming group, has a wife who no longer games, but she understands the hobby. One member of my group had a husband who had no interest in gaming at all, but considered it that player's hobby, just like his hobby was collecting 50's radio music.

This doesn't mean that I'm saying your relationship cannot work or that she's being particularly close-minded. I don't know her or you, so I have no idea. But my concern would be more that she has an expectation that you will surrender a part of yourself or give up something you cherish for...what, exactly? Gaming is no more incompatible with a busy lifestyle of work and family than being a super-fan of a local team, joining a quilt club, being an avid reader, painting, sky-diving, bicycling, going out drinking or any number of other hobbies.

In point of fact, at 21, I can't imagine why she thinks you need to 'hunker down' at all. From my perspective, you've got a few more years of 'not getting serious' about anything left in you.

A successful relationship is built on both trust and compromise. Good couples usually have both mutual interests and tastes as well as things that they don't share. My wife likes a lot pickled and spicy foods much more than I do. She likes horror movies more than I do, while I like crime procedurals that she can find tedious...we both like Kung-Fu movies. I mean, come on. My point is that I appreciate our differences as does she. We each get the other to try and do things we might not do on our own and sometimes discover that we like them. And when we don't we respect that and move on.

I introduced my wife to RPGs, but she'd already role-played...at midnight showings of Rocky Horror. I'd picked out nice clothes a few times, but my wife showed me how to match colors and dress better. I have my miniatures to paint and she has her quilting to do. We make each other better. After 17 years together, I'm still just as happy to come home to her as I was when we married...the only difference is that now I have two more people waiting for me.

Perhaps you should try and discuss with her why she thinks your gaming is something that needs to be grown out of. Is it the expense? The time you spend? Perhaps what she's REALLY saying is that she's feeling you spend an inordinate amount of time gaming and sometimes neglect attention to her. It could be that she feels your hobby is taking away from your time as a couple and it bothers her. And since I don't know you personally, she could be right. Either way, an honest dialogue about it would probably be helpful. This is not a conversation you want to have AFTER you get married. If you're worried about what she'll say, then you should know NOW.

Either way, I hope you can find a solution.

 

[Sunseeker]

Growing up is overrated. Always has been, always will be. Adults who enjoy being adults do so because they know that "growing up" does not mean leaving the things you love behind for a life of 9-5's and endless bills. It means growing up WITH those things, and enjoying them more as they age with you.

If your wife-to-be doesn't understand what gaming does for you, be it fill that social-interaction gap, give you time to relax, or even challenge your mind, then you need to sit down and have a LONG talk with her. If she's not willing to accept gaming as a part of your life, then you may want to reconsider engagement. Sorry, but it's true.

I am dating my girlfriend in particular because she IS a gamer. She is many other wonderful things as well, but she understands that I enjoy gaming, and she encourages me to do more with my gaming. IE: run more games, meet new people, make new characters, ect... She doesn't want to break my comfort bubble, but expand it.


As for me, I never intend to grow up. While I can't help but get older, smarter, and wiser, none of that means I need to give up what I love doing. Tabletop gaming combines many things I enjoy, socializing, drinking, eating, laughing and having fun with good friends. This is the same thing my grilfriend enjoys about gaming and doing it with her only makes it better.

If she thinks you need to 'grow up', you have issues much bigger than just your gaming.

 

[invokethehojo]

I have always dated non nerd girls, and have gotten similar responses. My wife doesn't give me crap about gaming, but she doesn't get it and did think it was kind of childish when we first got together.

So I put it in perspective for her: I told her that her brothers (and sometimes her) sat around watching football every weekend, and talked about it non stop, and memorized a lot of "meaningless" statistics about it... and that the only difference between them and my friends was that we actually play a game instead of watching others play, and we generally drink less beer. I said all men (and many women) are into some kind of game, and that it seemed kinda rude to think I needed to grow up but the dudes watching football all the time were fine.

She saw the light. She still doesn't get my game, and I don't understand how anyone could stand to watch football, but it isn't a big deal anymore.

 

[Oryan77]

Uhg, that's a difficult situation to be in. I feel for ya.

Marrying at age 21 is a pretty risky thing to do (these days). My 22 y/o brother-in-law and his younger wife were just telling the family over the weekend that they may divorce after only 2 years. But I think they are now trying to work it out, hopefully. Everyone told them before they married that they were not yet ready. Of course they didn't listen.

I don't mean to be in your business as if I know you. But please think long and hard about marrying her so you guys don't add to the statistics and make marriage seem like nothing more than a "fun thing to do at the time". If she is already telling you that she doesn't accept your lifestyle (and it isn't like she's talking about a drug habit or anything serious), you need to make sure she is the right person to marry. She could be the right person, but maybe not right now. I dated my wife for 8 years before we married & I think it helped us know for a fact that marrying each other would not be a mistake. Eight years is an extreme (it wasn't our choice we waited that long), but I still think people marry too quickly before they really know & accept each other.

Selfishness is a big factor to problems in a relationship. And a relationship doesn't work until both people learn to be less selfish.

If you aren't willing to give up games for her (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that), just make sure you give her your time & attention. Make sure you don't play games "too" much. But she also needs to give you your space and let you do what you want without making you feel guilty (as long as you still give her your attention). If she can't do this, I promise you you're going to live a miserable life with her as a wife. If she isn't willing to accept who you are, then it won't just stop with your gaming, she'll always find something to nag you about.

The fact you had to post about this here shows that this is a serious issue for you. If you don't want to give it up, then you guys really need to work it out before you marry. And I don't mean to a point where she acts like she's ok with it for now. I mean you need to make it clear to her that you never want this to be a topic of discussion ever again. As long as you give her your attention, then it is very unfair of her to ask that you give up gaming 100%. She may think gaming is childish (and it is), but in the big scheme of life, getting nails or hair done, watching movies & TV, or whatever things she may spend her time doing is pretty pointless too. When you think about it, watching sports, gambling, or playing chess is pretty childish too. I find it annoying when a spouse complains about our gaming only because they find it childish.

 

[Dausuul]

Hmm... well, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you consider whether your future fiancee has a point. (Incidentally, what's the "within the next year I will be engaged to" deal? Is this one of those promise ring things, where you propose to propose? Or have you not popped the question yet and are assuming she'll say yes? Watch those assumptions...)

Now, I'm not saying I agree with her suggestion that gaming is a childish thing for people to grow out of. That's a load of baloney--as Invokethehojo says, it's no more immature than sitting on the sofa watching football and drinking beer.

But it sounds as if her real problem is not the activity itself, but the amount of time you spend on it. If she says you're too wrapped up in it, it's always possible that she's right. There's a difference between gaming being part of your life, even a big part, and gaming taking over your life; I have seen the latter and it ain't pretty.

I'd go with the question that's often used to diagnose addiction: Is gaming interfering with other parts of your life? Is it cutting into your time with your girlfriend, or interfering with work/school? Are gaming-related purchases straining your finances? Do you spend almost all of your spare time on gaming and gaming-related things?

If the answer to any of the above is yes, consider setting some boundaries, maybe even walking away from the table for a couple of years. Otherwise, see other posters' advice on trying to reconcile your fiancee-to-be with your hobbies.

 

[JustKim]

she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

One question, when you say games, are you talking about RPGs with friends or are you also talking about video games, MMOs, etc?

Because I think that RPGs are a social experience, an outlet for creative energy and personal growth that can really benefit a person. Video games, on the other hand, are IMO time wasters. If we're talking about video games here I agree with your girlfriend, they should not be a significant part of an adult's life. There is no compelling reason for an adult with responsibilities to set aside 50 hours to play the newest God of War or whatever, and it makes you seem selfish for spending so much time with them.

But you are also just 21. I may have thought I was going to play video games my whole life when I was 21. Now I have hundreds of the things gathering dust.

If we're just talking about getting together with friends for a hobby game, then I would say reflect on what playing D&D means to you and tell her why it's a part of your life.