Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[Starman]

One question, when you say games, are you talking about RPGs with friends or are you also talking about video games, MMOs, etc?

Because I think that RPGs are a social experience, an outlet for creative energy and personal growth that can really benefit a person. Video games, on the other hand, are IMO time wasters. If we're talking about video games here I agree with your girlfriend, they should not be a significant part of an adult's life. There is no compelling reason for an adult with responsibilities to set aside 50 hours to play the newest God of War or whatever, and it makes you seem selfish for spending so much time with them.

But you are also just 21. I may have thought I was going to play video games my whole life when I was 21. Now I have hundreds of the things gathering dust.

If we're just talking about getting together with friends for a hobby game, then I would say reflect on what playing D&D means to you and tell her why it's a part of your life.

That's just ridiculous. A person can be an avid video gamer and still live a balanced life as an adult. Video games can also be a very social activity whether gathering for multiplayer games or playing MMOs. The idea that video games are only for kids is ludicrous.

 

[Redcrow]

If growing up means I have to give up all the things I enjoy doing, then forget it, I'm staying a kid. I'm 38 now and have been roleplaying since I was 9 years old. Thats nearly 30 years of gaming and hopefully I will be able to continue for another 30+ years. Certainly as I've gotten older I'm not able to devote as much time to doing the things I enjoy due to "adult" responsibilities and commitments, but I won't ever give them up entirely.

As others have said, there really is no difference between getting together with friends to... watch sports, play sports, play poker, go fishing, motorcycle rides, play golf, etc. and gaming. There are certainly far worse things a person could spend their spare time doing.

 

[JustKim]

That's just ridiculous. A person can be an avid video gamer and still live a balanced life as an adult. Video games can also be a very social activity whether gathering for multiplayer games or playing MMOs. The idea that video games are only for kids is ludicrous.

What do you mean by avid?

 

[Diamond Cross]

She needs to learn to accept you for who you are and stop trying to change you to suit her sensibilities, especially if she will not accept those kinds of things from you. It's terribly unfair for her to make those kinds of demands that you change like that.

She is not the boss of you. And she needs to learn to accept that.

 

[pawsplay]

But it sounds as if her real problem is not the activity itself, but the amount of time you spend on it. If she says you're too wrapped up in it, it's always possible that she's right. There's a difference between gaming being part of your life, even a big part, and gaming taking over your life; I have seen the latter and it ain't pretty.

Let's imagine she's right. In that case, they're still not ready to get married, anyway, which brings things back to the same point: explaining to her why he does it.

I'd go with the question that's often used to diagnose addiction: Is gaming interfering with other parts of your life? Is it cutting into your time with your girlfriend, or interfering with work/school? Are gaming-related purchases straining your finances? Do you spend almost all of your spare time on gaming and gaming-related things?

I don't believe in gaming addiction. Addictions involve a self-destructive act that results in a short-term emotional "high" at a cost of long-term consequences. While neglecting some aspect of your life is analogous in a way, gaming is just not destructive. We are talking about being social with friends and acquaintances, and engaging your imagination and mind. You could game nearly every waking moment, and it would not kill you. Here's my addiction test: if you were a multimillionaire, would your level of involvement in this activity still screw up your life?

If the guy simply prefers gaming to spending time with the gf, that's not "interference," that's just a priority. Maybe it's a sign of immaturity. Then again, maybe it's a sign that the gf is immature and demanding. Or maybe it's a sign they find each other boring in some aspects.

I suppose it's possible there is someone whose life becomes worse every time they pull out their dice bag and game, but I have never met such a person. Rather than addiction, I would think of the situation in terms of neglect: is excessibe gaming perhaps a symptom you don't know how to be really involved in a relationship/career and find yourself filling time with things you find easy and enjoyable?

 

[Saeviomagy]

You will never be a grown up.

Your tastes will change. Your priorities will change. Your views of other people will change. This is called maturing.

But you will never be to yourself as your parents and other "grown ups" were to you when you were a kid.

If your girlfriend genuinely cannot accept that gaming is how you enjoy spending leisure time, then I doubt that you'll be a couple for long.

Now, that's not saying she can't find it silly. That's not saying she can't be jealous of the time you spend gaming. It's not saying that she needs to understand in any way what gaming is about. It's just saying that she needs to understand that you and she are different, and that there may be things that the two of you will never share.

And for your part, you need to evaluate what your priorities are and spend time appropriately. If you're gaming 7 nights a week, spending all your spare cash on gaming products, and talking about nothing but gaming with her but you prioritise her more than gaming, then you've done something wrong.

 

[Psimancer]

This is what has worked for me in the past:

“…actually, the game in irrelevant; really, it’s just an excuses to hang with the guys one night a week or so… its really no different from playing poker, or watching sports, or (insert whatever other ‘guy’ activity happens in your neck of the woods – I think I would omit drinking copious amounts of beer and/or going to strip clubs though). But we are nerds, so it’s just what we do… its slightly more mentally challenging and entertaining to us…”

And if she has issues with you hanging with the guys once a week (or whatever), then the problem isn't with you playing 'games'...

***

 

[Starman]

What do you mean by avid?

Uhm, a big fan. It's possible to be an avid <insert favorite hobby here> and still live a normal life with normal, healthy relationships. It's also possible to be an avid <insert favorite hobby here> and not have a healthy life with healthy relationships. It doesn't matter whether or not your favorite hobby is role-playing, video gaming, model railroading, watching football, folding origami, or whatever.

 

[JustKim]

Uhm, a big fan. It's possible to be an avid <insert favorite hobby here> and still live a normal life with normal, healthy relationships. It's also possible to be an avid <insert favorite hobby here> and not have a healthy life with healthy relationships. It doesn't matter whether or not your favorite hobby is role-playing, video gaming, model railroading, watching football, folding origami, or whatever.

If avid means well-balanced, then sure, well-balanced gamers are well-balanced. If sacrifices are being made to maintain video game time, I think that's a lot harder to justify than roleplaying. That must be where we fundamentally disagree.

 

[aboyd]

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Knowing what I know now, at age 39? I'd flee.

I've now been with 2 women who had very clear ideas of how I had to change to fit their idea of what an acceptable man should be, and in both cases, ouch. Like, heartbreak ouch.

My wife was OK with D&D for a few years. I didn't do it much for the first 5 or 6 years of my marriage, but slowly got back into regular weekly games. At first, she tried to put on a good appearance -- she'd make a vegetable platter or microwave some simple foods and put them out for us, and then disappear with a book. Later, while she would still put out treats, as people arrived she'd mutter, "And now you do nerd things," and she'd leave the house. She wasn't being cutesy. She meant it in a negative way. Near the end of the marriage, I'd game with my kids & friends while she'd go out and have hot athletic sex with her karate instructor.

If you have no intention of being exactly what she's specified, you need to understand something: just as you're going into the relationship saying "this is what I am, take it or leave it," she is going into it saying, "this is what I expect to get, take it or leave it." If you don't provide it, she will find it. It might take years, but really, you don't want to get years into a relationship and discover how serious she was about her ideas.

You really need to read [ame=http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339]No More Mr. Nice Guy[/ame] -- it's not a book about how to be a jerk or a bad boy or how to dominate women or be a player (the title always seems to make people wonder about that). Instead, it's about how geeks & nerds will play nice and placate their lovers because, hey, that's what nice guys do -- and then how resentment builds and suddenly the nice guy isn't so nice to be married to. It talks about how to be up front about your needs, about how to negotiate for fair treatment, about respect and communication. It's just good for learning how to be an adult when someone makes a dismissive comment like, "of course, as a man, you'll outgrow games."