Geek Dating site.

[Dirt]

You will probably be inundated with a wealth of opinions on internet dating, so I thought that I'd offer mine as well!

I was in a similiar state as your friend, where I had a long dry spell and wasn't finding anyone who particularly caught my interest. It wasn't for lack of girls who wanted to date, it was for lack of girls that I wanted to date.

If your friend uses a dating service, there is probably little else other than something like match.com. But, he can thin the crowd a bit by being thorough in his profile. If he enjoys gaming and would love to meet a girl with similiar interests, mention that. If he finds that to be a bit too bold, mention that he reads voraciously and enjoys books like Dune and the Hobbit...the astute girls will latch on to that. If music is of interest to him, have him list those. I listed Bad Religion and At the Drive In...and it wasn't too much of a detraction. Above all, have him list everything that he can about himself and what he is looking for. He'll still get responses from those dense enough not to completely read your profile...but if he waits, he might find one worth keeping.

Putting a profile on a matchmaking site doesn't mark you as being desperate or wanton. There are many who post, who are not social misfits and are quite attractive and personable...but missing a social scene where they can meet like-minded people.

And on a final note, I'd agree with some of the advice that others have posted. Everyone has faults, so tell him not to be too harsh or judgemental. It took me quite awhile to get over that (and to be honest, I still work on that quite a bit). Have him find the good qualities in someone and focus on that.

Alright...I'm done. Hope it helped.

 

[xrpsuzi]

When I was single (married now) this was the KEY to finding someone. As long as you are LOOKING you will never find someone that is good for you. Stop looking. Thats when they come out of the wood work. Or more appropriately, thats when you relax enough to realize the world around is full of wonderful people.

Okay, enough of my sappiness.

Although I agree with your point, I don't think that it's the fact that while you are looking, no one good is going to come along. It's the fact that you're not ready for them. It's a fine difference-the difference between I wouldn't mind someone to share my life with and needing someone to share my life with.
Incidentally, that's what happened with jgbrowning and I. I came along right when he had just gotten good with not having a woman in his life. And of course, right when you accept and find peace in such a decision, a 20 year old (he was 27) girl comes along and says "I like you."
-suzi

 

[Liminal Syzygy]

While I think the "don't look" maxim may apply to certain people, I would really hesitate to give that advice to just anyone. That advice only applies to people who have that are really nervous about trying to relate to people when they are "looking". Some people have no problem with that.

 

[Wraithdrit]

I agree with some of what you guys are saying. I just know that what happened with me was that I had 'given up'. I was tired of looking. And while I still hit matchmaking sites, and chatrooms, it was with the attitude that I was not really looking. In hindsight, I had to have been otherwise I wouldn't have been there. But in general I had resigned myself to being alone with a roommate after my marriage had crumbled.

I went through a REALLY bad online dating scenario after that and was really burned with that sort of thing. Had also decided that was not the route I was going to go.

But there I was... not really sure why, surfing through a 'local' (statewide) chat area and bam. There she was. She lived two hours away, and we were talking and when I mentioned that the distance was too far, she replied 'We are in the same state silly, its not that far.'

She even had a cowboy hat on in her profile! I hated country music (notice I use the past tense here...). But something in her profile caught my interest. She was studying archaelogy. Neat. So it was enough to get us talking.

Half a year later, she moved to my city. Half a year after that, we moved in together. A year later we were married. A year later... here I am, the happiest I have ever been in my life.

And the best part, she is not a gamer. I had always said I would only date a fellow gamer. Truth is, she supports my hobby, and that is all that I need as far as that is concerned. It is possible to get along with/marry/love/adore someone outside your bubble, so make sure you don't set your sights to narrow.

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

I respectuflly disagree, Djeta. I've never found it easy to meet people of the opposite sex. Once one is out of school it's very easy for one's circle of friends to get a bit static, so why not try to broaden your horizons by hunting a bit online?

I object, respectfully, to the use of the word "hunting". You're looking for a friend, not game. In the same way, I don't belive in "going out looking for a man" offline either. Even though I don't meet a lot of people in my job, or very small circle of friends, when I was not involved with someone, I never felt the need to go out and find a guy to date. I feel that when you are in that state of mind, where you are looking, you end up wasting a lot of time and energy going on dates with people just to date. Of course, my perspective may be different from the norm, as I have no desire to follow the tradtional pattern of finding a man, getting married and having children. I realize that there are some , many, people out there who feel they need a husband/wife & kids for their life to be whole and I respect that, but it's not the life I choose for myself.

I never looked for interest-specific sites myself, but did find a very wonerful woman on Yahoo! personals back when they were free. We chatted via email and instant messenger for a long time, traded pictures, and eventually met in person. A year and a half later we were married and couldn't be happier.

On that note, good for you And I wish you the best.

However, I fear that your story may be the exception and not the rule.

The funny thing is that she's not a geek the way I am. She doesn't read much sf and doesn't do role-playing games. She IS very smart and has a bunch of interests that are new to me. The differences are nice because they give us a chance to learn from eachother.

That's good too It sounds like you were not looking for a female clone of yourself Differences can be good. For example, I am a big musical theater buff and MojoGM would probably shudder in utter terror at the idea of being made to see Les Miserables.

But I think a lot of people who give up on the women and men around them, go to these services because they want someone who is exactly like them.

I say that if Darklance's friend really is interested in meeting someone then there's no reason not to give it a try. Just remember all of the usual "safety" rules; meet first in a public place, exchange phone numbers, make sure a friend knows where you are.

Yes. Be careful. And be careful for a while. I have never used a dating service but I did meet and become involved with a guy I had met online through a message board several years ago while discussing MST3K. For the first few months I was with him, perfectly normal. Around month 5, he snapped and I learned that he was a violent schitzophrenic with a knack for not taking his medication. Of course you could meet someone IRL who has this sort of problem too, but just be careful, because I also learned that this guy had a record of meeting women online, either through dating services or chat rooms and stopping his medication after a few months.

As an aside, I'm assuming that Darklance is using "depressed" as a synonym for "sad". If your friend really IS clinically depressed (ie, more than two weeks of symptoms like a lack of interest in activities that he usually likes, an absence hope for the future, lethargic and unmotivated feelings) then he probably should have medical help. If that's the case, he probably should get some therapy or, at the very least, talk to his doctor about anti-depressant medication.

Ditto.


I don't know. I'm not trying to start any static, I just really don't think trying too hard find someone , online or otherwise, is the way to go. Let fate take it's course and when you stop looking, you really do come across differently to people and someone will notice you.

Cheers,
Sheri

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

Although I agree with your point, I don't think that it's the fact that while you are looking, no one good is going to come along. It's the fact that you're not ready for them. It's a fine difference-the difference between I wouldn't mind someone to share my life with and needing someone to share my life with.
Incidentally, that's what happened with jgbrowning and I. I came along right when he had just gotten good with not having a woman in his life. And of course, right when you accept and find peace in such a decision, a 20 year old (he was 27) girl comes along and says "I like you."
-suzi

Exactly. You come across much mellower and interesting to people when you are comfortable enough with YOURSELF, alone, that you don't need someone in your life. I've often thought that both men and women who go to dating services come across as needing someone in their life.

I don't know. I just don't understand it , I guess.

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

Putting a profile on a matchmaking site doesn't mark you as being desperate or wanton. There are many who post, who are not social misfits and are quite attractive and personable...but missing a social scene where they can meet like-minded people.

And for the record -- I wasn't implying in my post that people who join these sites are desperate or anti-social. I understand that most of them are fed up with the local dating scenes.

I just question the bigger picture, as to why they feel they must have someone to date. That is not attractive to me, but then - I am very happy spending large amounts of time alone, as is my boyfriend, and that was one of the biggest things that attracted me to him in the first place.

 

[xrpsuzi]

Exactly. You come across much mellower and interesting to people when you are comfortable enough with YOURSELF, alone, that you don't need someone in your life. I've often thought that both men and women who go to dating services come across as needing someone in their life.

I don't think the big benefit of not looking for someone=you being more relaxed and being yourself and therefore being more attractive to the other people (though that is the case for many people)
I think the big benefit is that you learn to be happy (and by happy, I mean content-the state of not wanting or seeking more than what you have) all by yourself. And if someone does come along, you are good and whole, all by yourself. And if that person is good--they will increase the already-happy you, and you for them.

Not that I'm a idealist of anything but I think the goal of most people is to be happy. I'm saying instead of changing your environment (i.e. get a good girlfriend/boyfriend), change your perception or your feelings on the matter (i.e. learn to be happy regardless of your environment). But as my single friends tell me, my opinion on the matter doesn't hold any weight because I'm happily with someone and married, and we're perfect for each other (and the gripe usually ends with a curse or two....)

As far as making sense of it all, life is as it is. You act as you will and the same is true for other people. You only really have to ask yourself one question. Are you going to be happy or not?

-suzi *deposit a nickel please* yee

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

I don't think the big benefit of not looking for someone=you being more relaxed and being yourself and therefore being more attractive to the other people (though that is the case for many people)
I think the big benefit is that you learn to be happy (and by happy, I mean content-the state of not wanting or seeking more than what you have) all by yourself. And if someone does come along, you are good and whole, all by yourself. And if that person is good--they will increase the already-happy you, and you for them.

That's what I meant. Except that for me, being relaxed and being yourself are things that lead to inner happiness.

 

[Dirt]

Exactly. You come across much mellower and interesting to people when you are comfortable enough with YOURSELF, alone, that you don't need someone in your life. I've often thought that both men and women who go to dating services come across as needing someone in their life.

I don't know. I just don't understand it , I guess.

*laugh* Come on...let's look at this rationally. What this is about is companionship. Djeta, you may be one of those rare individuals who would be content as a hermit and needs no human companionship. But, if that were the case, I doubt that you'd be attending these boards quite so frequently.

I'm of the firm opinion that what matters most in life is those you love and care about - friends, family, and loved ones. If you are able to find someone to share it with, all the better. I'm perfectly comfortable with myself - but it sure is nice to have someone who I can talk with until the early hours of the morning and share my thoughts with.