Geek Dating site.

[Estlor]

One thing to remember is there is a difference between "not looking" and not looking.

"Not looking," in this case, means you aren't actively searching out someone to date for the purpose of having a date, but you remain open to any and all opportunities that happen to present themselves.

Not looking is when you're not only not actively searching out someone to date, but you're also closing off most of your opportunities to meet people and assuming the worst out of anyone you do.

I have a couple of friends that exemplify this. The one guy who is "not looking," broke up with his girlfriend about two months ago and is already seriously talking to someone else. The other guy's only relationship ended six years ago and the other three people he was even interested in he refused to get serious with them because he "didn't have a chance." Well, that and he's of the mindset that he can have a girlfriend and still do whatever he wants to whenever he wants to do it.

 

[Czhorat]

Ack...

This is in danger of getting ugly.

Guess what? The person on whose behalf this site is being sought is not going to magically stop wanting a girl/boyfriend because it has been rationally explained to him/her that the state of desirelessness is more attractive than a state of desperation. So, let's take that off the menu right now. Desirelessness is not a state one can "decide" to enter.

I think it's quite valid for posters here to think a bit outside the box and to offer what they think is the best advice. I, for example, had my reaction to the word "depressed". Djeta does make a good point about putting romance into perspective. Part of what she might be reacting to is the idea that finding this person a partne will somehow cure his sadness.

Djeta, much as you think that you don't need sexual validation from the relationships you pursue, I think you might want to re-examine your behaviour. Look at the proportion of threads you have started on ENWorld designed to get people to compliment you on your appearance; look at the effort you have gone to, compared to other ENWorld users, to give us a chance to see how attractive you are and confirm that for you. These needs exist in humans; the diversity of their manifestations is incredible.

I suppose that it's a testament to this community that we went almost two pages on such a personal topic before encountering such an ill-considered, thoughtless post. Unless you're Djeta's therapist you probably don't know WHY she chooses to post pictures of herself online. Perhaps she likes photography. Perhaps she wants to feel like more of a real person to those she speaks to, and sharing an image of herself is one way to do that. To suggest that it comes from some kind of need for validation is presumptuous and rude. You certainly owe her an apology.[/QUOTE]

A lot of this zen/daoist/passive advice is not going to help. Telling people: don't be needy; feel complete; be mellow/comfortable; don't look at attractive people as potential mates, etc. is about as helpful as saying, "don't be bald." Actually, it's less helpful because people can purchase toupes and wigs.

As a bald man, I resent this comment . All joking aside, people CAN control how they perceive the world and how they react to it. Telling someone to examine his priorities or to try to make his or herself into the kind of person who'd be a good mate are good ideas.

Remember, also, that women are often socialized to believe that "romance" is this thing that takes place with no effort, through casual meetings and correct circumstances. Men take drugs, simultaneously pursue multiple women, practice self-hypnosis, etc. in order to appear desireless. Men spend days or hours planning those apparentluy spontaneous moments; and many of us understand that we can never show off how much work/planning we have done because such an admission will crush a woman's perception that the relationship arose spontaneously or naturally and thereby, suck the romance out of it.

Speak for yourself. I know men who expect the perfect, spontaneous storybook sort of meeting. I know women (my wife among them) who think it's MORE romantic to have looked for someone, spent time and effort finding them, and then worked at building a relationship with them. Our romance is special because we worked so hard to find eachother, because we knew what we were looking for, and because we saw something special enough in eachother to work around our differences. Your experience may vary but please, be careful about generalizing.

And apologize to Djeta.

 

[LordVyreth]

I have problems similar to the original posters' "friend." The trouble is "not looking" still requires that the person be exposed to quite a few people. If they have no real community at their job, no church to go to, and so on, how do they meet people? In other words, short of the typical bar-scene, how do they get seen by the world? I've had a similar problem when going to places like concerts and conventions, where there were plenty of people I wanted to meet, but even ignoring age/location concerns in those scenarios, they often don't lend themselves to interaction outside of the people you came in with.

Vyreth

 

[LordVyreth]

I have problems similar to the original posters' "friend." The trouble is "not looking" still requires that the person be exposed to quite a few people. If they have no real community at their job, no church to go to, and so on, how do they meet people? In other words, short of the typical bar-scene, how do they get seen by the world? I've had a similar problem when going to places like concerts and conventions, where there were plenty of people I wanted to meet, but even ignoring age/location concerns in those scenarios, they often don't lend themselves to interaction outside of the people you came in with.

Vyreth

 

[maddman75]

IMO - Internet dating is right out. No offense to those who do it, but IME every girl I met off the net was a freakin flake or loon. I'd worked personals back when yahoo was free and chatrooms, but the effort was nowhere near worth it. Your local pub offers a lot more reward for less work than online activity.

As for desirelessness, that is very much a positive trait. Desire brings suffering and needyness. Needyness is like the total inverse of sexyness. Therefore don't be desireous. I know, easier said than done. But with practice you CAN control your emotions.

 

[Dirt]

IMO - Internet dating is right out. No offense to those who do it, but IME every girl I met off the net was a freakin flake or loon. I'd worked personals back when yahoo was free and chatrooms, but the effort was nowhere near worth it. Your local pub offers a lot more reward for less work than online activity.

*laugh* Well, that depends on what "reward" you were thinking of. For me, scrounging the local pub is not often conducive to finding someone that I'd actually like to spend time with (and the choices tend to be a bit more limited in a local pub). Pubs are great for drinking and watching the local village idiots though.

I'll be the first to admit - you'll find plenty of malcontents in the Internet dating scene. But, you'll find that anywhere (such as pubs).

I'm just saying that, if you're looking for someone, it helps to broaden your search.

As for this whole "desirability" of those who seem disinterested...I think it comes to this - you don't need to put on a front to attract people. If you have to act disinterested to attract the person, that seems a bit silly. I'm not into this "playing hard to get - how to get a guy" Cosmo game. Before anyone reacts to this, I'm not saying "appear pathetic and needy". I'm just saying that you don't need to put on a front.

 

[maddman75]

No, I'm not saying to pretend to be desireless. I'm suggesting that you actually give up desire. Therefore it is no front. Someone filled with desire and need is the one with the false front.

ANd yeah, I'll admit I'm not exactly looking for long term stuff. Even if I were, from what I saw online would not be the place to get it. And even if you have no luck at the bar, there's always drinking and laughing at the idiots .

 

[alsih2o]

I have problems similar to the original posters' "friend." The trouble is "not looking" still requires that the person be exposed to quite a few people. If they have no real community at their job, no church to go to, and so on, how do they meet people? In other words, short of the typical bar-scene, how do they get seen by the world? Vyreth

volunteer! almost any volunyteer situation you go to is full of openminded creative people, leaning 70/30 women/men.

teach in the schools, volunteer at the library, clean a park, coach a team, work at the shelter (animalss or people).

have a dinner party, invite 5 people you know, have them bring someone of the opposite gender they know.

take a walk! whether in your neighborhood or in the park every day at the same time, you may notice you are instantly part of a community.

eat at buffets, i know 2 folks who are married who emt when reaching for the mousse.

go to a gallery opening/music in the park/wine tasting. you don't really think it's about the art and music do you?

jog. wanna meet a fit, dedicated woman? they are at the 5k and 10k runs while you are watching football.

 

[Hida Bukkorosu]

i don't wanna date unless it's a spontaneous meeting with that perfect person who's like an idealized female version of myself personalitywise, and who also is really really hot, and who can completely relate to me and understand me and provide the missing half to my life.

 

[Mordane76]

As an aside, I'm assuming that Darklance is using "depressed" as a synonym for "sad". If your friend really IS clinically depressed (ie, more than two weeks of symptoms like a lack of interest in activities that he usually likes, an absence hope for the future, lethargic and unmotivated feelings) then he probably should have medical help. If that's the case, he probably should get some therapy or, at the very least, talk to his doctor about anti-depressant medication.

Two weeks is not enough for a diagnosis of clinical depression. While it is a scary predicament, and CAN be depression, two weeks really isn't long enough. We just started this section in our abnormal psychology class... so I wanted to say something about this, because I'd hate for this guy to end up on anti-depressants when he might just be having a low.


As for online dating -- my wife and I met online. But I've also met a lot of whack-jobs online.... just like in real life. The only difference between the online scene and real life is that the pool isn't confined to just your local environment.