Great Game Quotes

[shilsen]

Not too long ago from the Eberron game in my sig:

Situation: PCs are fighting their way through a temple full of necro-terrorists (the Emerald Claw).

After beating down some poor mooks...

Korm (druid berserker): Hey, this guy's alive!

Gareth (paladin): Do you want me to revive and question him?

Korm: Don't bother. *picks unconscious enemy up and slings him over shoulder*

Gareth: What...?

Korm: I needed a bludgeoning weapon.


A few minutes later...

DM (me): The surviving warrior screams for help and runs back down the corridor. Korm's the only one who has a shot before he turns the corner.

Korm: Okay. What sort of penalty do I take for using the unconscious terrorist as a ranged weapon?

DM: -4, since you forgot to take Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Emerald Claw)

Korm: No problem. *flings unconscious terrorist* Woohoo! Natural 20!


A little later, entering the high priestess' chambers, the PCs hear spellcasting from behind a door. Korm, having lost his unconscious (now dead) captive, smashes the door down, to reveal two Emerald Claw priests and the high priestess behind it.

High Priestess: Wait! I can...

Luna (shifter druid): They're trying to confuse our minds with words!

Nameless (alienist): I don't know about them, but you just succeeded.


After defeating the priests and discovering the room was a giant necromantic laboratory, the PCs open the next door:

DM: The room stinks abominably of death and corruption. It is empty except for one strange occupant. It looks like a dog, except that its body is constructed entirely of corpses, most in a state of significant corruption. It also happens to be about fifteen feet tall, but it's difficult to be certain since the latter half of its body is missing. It seems to be alive, or at least undead, since it opens a pair of gleaming red eyes at your entry. And then whines and drags its bulk towards you using the two functional front legs.

Other PCs: Gah!

Luna: Oooh! Poor thing! It's so sweet! Can I have it?

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Indivian: "Heal the Gnome. Heal the Gnome..."
GM: "The Gnome is hurt...and whining."

Miranden: "We don't have the money for horses."
Leopold: "Just acquire a couple of asses..."
Indivian: "Ohhhh...Gnomish prostitutes..."
(Dead Silence...)

Ironbelly: "You want me to lay hands on you?"
Leopold: "I would rather not be contaminated by your pagen rituals..."
Ironbelly: "That's a no, anyone else?"

Meridan (reffering to courage): "That horse of yours has got bigger balls than you."
Leopold (not reffering to courage): "Of course, he does. He's a #$%&! horse! He's got bigger balls than everybody!"
Meridan: "How do you know? Have you seen them?"
Indivian: "I have, I've been walking behind that damn thing for the past two days!"

Miranden: "Someday, you're going to wake up and I will have cut that horse's balls off.
GM: "I assume they're already gone. Castration is bliss for a war horse...."
Leopold: "I would never do that to him. We have been together for a long time. We have a sort of telapathic bound. If he was castrated, every thought I would receive from him would be, '@#$%! you'."

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Indivion: "I can't believe you didn't see that. You are supposed to be our lookout."
Elric: "I missed it."
Leopold: "It was a huge friggin' bird!"
Elric: "I didn't notice it."
Leopold: "My HORSE noticed it!"

Ironbelly: "I bless myself."
GM: "You're currently drowning, that won't help."
Leopold: "Well, at least he'll go to Heaven."

Leopold: "Did you notice that river was not brown when you jumped in?"

GM (to Elric): "Do you have Detect Evil?"
Miranden: "I have it."
GM: "Did I ask you?"
Mirandin: "Well, I just--"
GM: "Did I ask you?"
Miranden: "No"

GM (to Elric and Miranden -- scouts>: "Oh, my God, you notice the sun rising in the East and setting in the West."
Leopold: "And these are supposed to be our scouts..."
Indivian: "Where did we hire these people?!"

Indivian: "If they could all fly, would they really need a carravan with wheels?"
Miranden: "Well, if--"
Indivian: "--Sh!"

 

[SolitonMan]

Fenris (to fleeing enemies): "If you run, you'll just die tired!"

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Player1 just had his armor annihilated- he's currently naked and standing over Player 2's Gnome (who had fallen).

Player3: "Don't look up!"
Player2: "I look up."
DM: "You are terrified at what you see."
All other players: "Don't stand up!"

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Crowe (to Hudson): “They had you in a prison camp to?
Maller: “Yeah, they had her dressed in lavandar. It was horrible.”

GM: “Roll to hit.”
Rolls…
Crowe: “34”
GM: “Holy crap…okay…you're hit ten times.”
Damage…
Crowe: “45.”
GM: “okay…one guy is creamed. You literally blow off limbs…another fires at you. Roll to dodge…”
Rolls…
Crowe: “I’m screwed…4”
GM: “Okay…You’re hit ten times…”
Crowe: “Nice knowing you guys!”

Palarian: "You bleeding?"
Indivion: "I don't know let me check...(squirt)---yup."

Leopold: "What's your name?"
Ironbely: "Ironbelly."
Leopold: "Is that your full name?"
Ironbelly: "No."
Leopold: "What's your full...never mind, I take that back."

Crowe (over the intercom): "Everyone to the Mess Hall Hall for cookies and cake to celebrate the release of our crew members from quarantine except for Griffon, of course, who me be infected and die...Have a nice day!"
Maller: "Sublte."

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Situation: Our low-level party had been attacked by harpies. Our Druid, thinking quickly, cast Entangle, snagging the entire flock in the vegetation. We then began to pelt them with whatever ranged weapons we had...which were one guy with a bow, one guy with a single throwing hammer, and one guy with a sling.

And we rolled so badly the Druid had to cast Entangle 2 more times to ensure we killed them all...the spells kept expiring while we nicked and gently bruised the evil critters to death! The archer ran out of arrows and was resorting to thrown rocks, and the hammer thrower had to spend time recovering his hammer...

DM: "#%$#%^@^% Entangle Spell! It's so ^%#*%&* broken!"
Druid player: "My other option was "Purify Food and Drink"- d'ya think that would have helped any?"

After an evening of M:tG:
Player 1 (the DM from above): "#%$#%^@^%! That card is so ^%#*%&* broken! This SET is ^%#*%&* broken!"
Me: "You would prefer they printed "Summon Warm Fuzzy: Tap 2B to improve your self-esteem?"

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

All these quotes came from an incident where the players hunted for information in a brothel. Yes, a brothel. Suffice to say, they couldn't help themselves. I'm really sorry if people find this offensive.

Crowe: “Did you learn anything?”
Lang: “From my view, not so much.”
Crowe: “About the mission?”
Lang: “There’s a mission?”

(Lang opens the door)
Lang: “Sir I don’t think I can do this.”
Crowe (to GM): “I leave my girl spinning around.”
Lang: “What the hell are you two doing in there?!”

Crowe: “How am I doing by the way?”
GM: “What’s your Dex?”
Crowe: “7”
GM: “Stamina?”
Crowe: “60”
GM: “I think you’ve broken her…”

Maller: “How is Terry, by the way?”
GM: “Oh, he’s amusing himself.”
Crowe: “Good—“
GM: “Not that way.”

GM: “You hear two loud thumps.”
Crowe: “Cool.”
…pause…
GM: “Your balls don’t count…I’m talking about the door.”

Crowe (trying not to laugh): “Don’t worry, man, go in there and have fun. I am sure the Seargeant won’t bust your balls.”
Lang: “I certainly hope not cause they’ll need time to recover”

Crowe: “Is she okay?”
GM: “Crowe, your girl is out.”

Somerville: "What happened on Pandora?
Maller: “It’s all Crowe’s fault.”
Crowe: “Hey the brothel paid off…we got the information we needed.”
Rawlings: “It just took you 6 hours to get it…”
Hudson: “Suffice to say, shoreleave is cancelled.”

Maller (PC): “This is the most interesting session I have ever sat in…”:
GM: “I am going to hell for this, I am sure of it.”

Crowe: “I’ll work on the Dropship, get the engine up to spec, lube it up.”
Lang: “Miss the brothel, do you?”
Crowe: “Not THAT type of lubricant!”

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

OK, time for a climactic quote.

This conversation brought the house down in my group. Its a joke many people might not understand, but suffice to say, when it occurred, it caused a laugh fit that lasted about five minutes. It could have been a joke grenade meant only for us, but I leave it for all you to read. I hope you all enjoy it...

Schuyler is flipping through the D&D Players Handbook and he finds a section on getting in and out of armor...
SCHUYLER: “Hmm…Don Hastily.”
CONAN: “Who the @#$& is Don Hastily?
A pause passes as everyone stares at Conan.
SCHUYLER: “Donning armor normally and hastily!”
CONAN: “Oh.”
GM: “You actually thought there was a guy in the Players Handbook named Don Hastily? (Mocking Conan) Who the #$%& is Don Hastily?!”

This went on for some time.

Names followed soon after of relatives of Don Hastily:

Rock Hastily

Doug Hastily

Phil Hastily

Pat Hastily

and of course,

Dick Hastily

Eventually, Schuyler would name his character, Donald Hastings. Donald died very quickly in the game.

Thank you and good night.

 

[shilsen]

One from a game where I was a player:

DM: You see a very muscular, barbaric man, wearing no armor and carrying a scythe. (Unfortunately, the DM pronounced it as "sith")

Player 1: A sith?

DM: Yes, a scythe. Why?

Player 2: Why's he carrying a sith?

DM: Why not? That's his weapon.

Me: OMFG! He's wielding Darth Maul!

At this point, the entire table loses it and people are laughing hysterically, even more so because the DM is completely confused about what's going on. I eventually explained the difference in pronunciation between a "scythe" and a "sith" to him, but we never let him live down the time he attacked us with a Sith-wielding barbarian.