Good afternoon. I’m Bruce Johan, and this is the 12 o’clock news.
The weather today is partly cloudy, with a 30 percent chance of rain. Expect light showers of shrapnel falling from the remnants of the Mad Lord of Death’s orbiting Engine of Destruction. I’m sure you don’t need reminding that it was Father Freedom and his sidekick Danger Abbot that saved the world from total destruction last week, when they destroyed the Mad Lord’s upper-atmospheric abode.
In other news, New York City is under attack from a 500 foot tall pan-dimensional hamster, which has been terrorizing citizens and raining fiery death on all who oppose it with beady red nuclear laser eyes. All residents of New York have been advised to stay in their homes, and not venture out unless absolutely necessary. It is recommended that all minors under the age of 18 be accompanied by an adult when leaving their homes.
In local news, the Union of Unnamed Henchmen and Dumb Lackeys (or UUHDL for short) have gone on strike, demanding that the Coalition of Evil Masterminds and Generally Unpleasant Non-Good People (CEMGUNGP) offer better treatment, higher wages, and a full coverage dental plan. Death Oyster, the CEMGUNGP’s official spokesvillain has offered no comment to these claims. One member of the UUHDL was quoted as saying “It’s not like we’re asking for much, you know. I mean we always do all the work and take all the punches while they (the CEMGUNGP) just sit around laughing maniacally. I mean, just treat us with some respect for once, ya’ know? It’s like, just give US the Death Ray Doom Cannon for once, instead of hogging all the glory.” More on this story later, as events unfold.
Today, Super Fluffy Captain Nice Guy has been asked to step down from his position on the board of directors of the Society of Super Heroes and Unlikely Smiters of Evil (SSHUSE) after he publicly revealed his long-term relationship and love affair with the Meanie Kitty Bopper, a member of the CEMGUNGP. As you probably know, the CEMGUNGP and SSHUSE are officially arch-enemies by contractual agreement, and this relationship violates that contract. The events surrounding the much beloved Super Captain Fluffy Nice Guy’s removal from the board of directors has caused quite a stir in the local community, and there is even a petition in the works demanding his reinstatement.
Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Please join us again at 5 o’clock when we begin our series of special undercover reports entitled:
“High School Super Villains: Mad Rulers of the Playground, or Misunderstood Youths?”
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Good evening, Hive!
Hi EK!
