How do you tell someone that they smell?

[Olaf the Stout]

I have an extremely keen sense of smell, so I make it a point to not game or even associate with anyone who is hygenically challenged. I was standing at the gaming section of my local Hastings when two guys walked up and butted in on a conversation I was having with my son over a book. "Hey...are you running a campaign? We're looking for a new game." One of the guys (honest to gosh) had lice visibly crawling in his wanna be beard, and the other guy smelled like rotten meat. I replied with a firm "No", put the book back on the shelf, and walked away with my son.

I have never before been so grateful that my friends, family, and gaming companions use soap and water daily.

Whoa! That's another level or 2 above my friend. No visible lice, not the last time I checked at least!

Olaf the Stout

 

[Dog Moon]

Lice doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being dirty. That's more about where you stick your head than anything.

 

[Thunderfoot]

Yes, I've dealt with this. One on one (and not in the car on the way to a gaming session) you need to talk to him about it, straight-up. Don't be rude (unlike some of the other folks responses), don't be demeaning, but be honest.
Ex. Frank, we've been friends a long time and I really need to talk to you about your hygiene. You have an odor and people are starting to talk about it. No it doesn't matter, its not their problem, its yours. You need to shower and clean up before you interact with others, its not just acceptable, its courteous. I've known you forever dude, I tell you this because your my (friend/amigo/compadre (whatever you normally use)). I have only the best in mind for you, and to be honest, it has been a little unbearable in the car lately too. So what do you say? Five minutes in the shower is all I'm asking.

As for the sleeping over on gaming nights, our whole group does that and none of get the chance to shower the next day, HOWEVER, we all make sure to be clean the BEFORE we get there to lessen the gamer funk the day of. (We arrive the night before and then game the following morning.) On those nights that he sleeps over, just make sure he brings some clothes and toiletries, if not, get some just for him to keep in the guest room so that he gets the hint.

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Lice doesn't necessarily have anything to do with being dirty. That's more about where you stick your head than anything.

I know that. However, I imagine that lice in your beard would be obvious. Noticing that you have lice in your beard and not doing anything to try and get rid of them is the bit that I find wrong.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Yes, I've dealt with this. One on one (and not in the car on the way to a gaming session) you need to talk to him about it, straight-up. Don't be rude (unlike some of the other folks responses), don't be demeaning, but be honest.
Ex. Frank, we've been friends a long time and I really need to talk to you about your hygiene. You have an odor and people are starting to talk about it. No it doesn't matter, its not their problem, its yours. You need to shower and clean up before you interact with others, its not just acceptable, its courteous. I've known you forever dude, I tell you this because your my (friend/amigo/compadre (whatever you normally use)). I have only the best in mind for you, and to be honest, it has been a little unbearable in the car lately too. So what do you say? Five minutes in the shower is all I'm asking.

As for the sleeping over on gaming nights, our whole group does that and none of get the chance to shower the next day, HOWEVER, we all make sure to be clean the BEFORE we get there to lessen the gamer funk the day of. (We arrive the night before and then game the following morning.) On those nights that he sleeps over, just make sure he brings some clothes and toiletries, if not, get some just for him to keep in the guest room so that he gets the hint.

That sounds like some reasonable advice Thunderfoot. Trouble is the only time I see him is for game sessions so it would have to either be on the way to the game or the next morning on the way home.

How did you it go over when you told your friend that they smelt? Did they clean up their act (pun intended!), stay as stinky as ever or did it just result in a temporary change before they regressed back to their old ways?

As for the toiletries idea, I'm actually kind of against him showing at my house in the morning. We've just built a new house. We have an ensuite and main bathroom. Since it is just my wife and I at the moment we just use the 1 shower. It would mean twice as much work cleaning both showers each week. I think the smell would be ok in the mornings so long as he had showered before he came to the game the night before. Some clean clothes would also improve the situation.

Olaf the Stout

 

[mythusmage]

That sounds like some reasonable advice Thunderfoot. Trouble is the only time I see him is for game sessions so it would have to either be on the way to the game or the next morning on the way home.

How did you it go over when you told your friend that they smelt? Did they clean up their act (pun intended!), stay as stinky as ever or did it just result in a temporary change before they regressed back to their old ways?

As for the toiletries idea, I'm actually kind of against him showing at my house in the morning. We've just built a new house. We have an ensuite and main bathroom. Since it is just my wife and I at the moment we just use the 1 shower. It would mean twice as much work cleaning both showers each week. I think the smell would be ok in the mornings so long as he had showered before he came to the game the night before. Some clean clothes would also improve the situation.

Olaf the Stout

Olaf, you need to see him more often. Not just on gaming days, but on regular days as well. He needs to use one of your showers, then he uses one of your showers. And he cleans up afterwords. He comes over to visit he can help around the house.

Another thing, has he looked into the possibility he has social phobia? There is treatment for it, and it does make a difference.

 

[werk]

My adivce:

Next time you see him, and smell him, let him kow.

"Hi Mike, good to see...WHOA! someone needs a bath...who is that...is that you Mike? Wow! We'll let it slide, but jeez man, take care of that."

You can play off the insult by making it no big deal and somewhat humorous and not a directed attack. You notice that there is a smell and draw attention to it.

Once it's been brought up, then you can address it without feeling weird.

We had a guy that we picked up via a FLGS cork board posting for players and that guy stunk to high heaven. I used this approach and the guy, having heard this a lot before, said "Yeah, I stink, I don't bath often enough." Very direct about it. I told him that he needs to not be offensive to play with us, and that included smell. It wasn't a problem again after that, but we never played at his house...

 

[Morrus]

It sounds to me like the hygiene is a sympton, not a cause. You can address the symptom, but if he's socially reclusive, that'll be the cause. Hermits smell. People who neve rleave their home can sometimes fall behind on the hygiene stakes because - to them - it's "I'm not gonna see anyone today, don't need to worry about showering". Before they know it, thta's the everyday routine.

To help him, you have to first decide what your goal is. If it's merely to not have to put up with the smell, then just address the smell. But if you can address the cause - the reclusiveness - by getting him out, spending time with him, increasing his general social contact with others, then his self-respect will start to kick in.

 

[Fishbone]

How do you stop yourself from smelling though? I brush my teeth, shower, wear clean clothes, the 9, but I just always seem to get really ripe say, at sundown. Its so noticable that I've been showering twice a day recently.
So if I can tell somebody is making an honest effort I never say anything. Its embarrassing to the extreme to tell someone off like that if you don't know the situation. The OP seems to suggest that this isn't really a body thing, though, its just a case of somebody letting themself go.

 

[Lord Zardoz]

Very Carefully

Telling someone that they stink is something that you want to approach carefully. Regardless of the truth of it, they will probably not take it very well. Its not quite as bad as telling your best friend that you think his girlfriend is as ugly as a troll and heavy as a hippopotamus. But the reaction is not likely to be that much better.

Your best bet is to be direct about it. Just stop by at his place on a non game night and tell him that his hygine is becoming a problem. Tell him that you expect him to be able to at least shower and wear clean clothes on days that he comes over for the game. Dont be mean about it, but dont soft pedal it either. And dont just bring it up in passing. You need him to get the message that the fact that your specifically sitting down with him to tell him this is a sign that this is a real problem. But do this one on one, in private. Doing this with the gaming group present will just make it a situation where he thinks everyone is ganging up on him.

The only thing I find worriesome is that by your own words, your friend is a dropout with no job and is not taking any classes. On top of that, he is one step removed from outright living with his parents. For any adult, this is pretty much a bad situation. As Fishbone said, if the guy is making an honest effort and Hygine but being thwarted by his own biology, that is one thing. But if this guy really is essentially a hermit, I would say that Mythusmage is probably on to something. There is very probably more at work here than failure to use soap.

END COMMUNICATION