how to hit on girls without being creepy?

[Piratecat]

And remember, folks, if you don't want to come off as creepy don't quote Tom Wolfe.

 

[devilish]

And remember, folks, if you don't want to come off as creepy don't quote Tom Wolfe.

"Hi cutie ..'but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns'..."

 

[maddman75]

Yeah, you have to read the subtext. "Let's just be friends" means "Like the kind of friends that never talk to each other."

Just like "Its not you, it's me." means "I realized I'm way too good for you."

Seriously though, I used to hate LJBF until I found myself on the other side of the fence. I mean even if you aren't interested in a person who wants to go out with you, its still flattering. And you don't want to say anything cruel to this person, so you tell them that you don't have anything against them, you just aren't attracted to them in that way.

 

[The Shaman]

Uhm...

No.

It wasn't. Not entirely, anyway.

-O

Well, maybe not entirely...

 

[Buttercup]

But let's not pretend that it is something it isn't. It is a little lie that everybody on the receiving end KNOWS is a little lie and it primarily serves to make the person telling it feel like they are "letting them down easy" when it really does nothing of the sort.

Actually, I think it *does* let someone down easily. Would you rather have someone tell you that lie, or truthfully list all the ways in which you don't measure up?

 

[Angcuru]

Well, being told how I don't measure up would be strangely welcome. Flat out insults I could ignore, but there may be some valid points which I had never realized. But then, I've never been phased by anything a near-stranger has said to me, so I have no problem doing this.

 

[Rel]

Would you rather have someone tell you that lie, or truthfully list all the ways in which you don't measure up?

I'll admit that I've not been in the position to have to pick either of these in some time and I hope I never am again (seems like a pretty safe bet with almost 10 years of a very happy marriage under my belt). But I'd take the second option every time.

First up, unless the person being told the lie is incredibly stupid or deluded (and I'll give you that infatuation and delusion often go hand in hand) then they KNOW it is a lie and it is only the politeness of some unwritten rule that has them say, "Ok then, I guess we should just be friends." I find the truth to be a lot more helpful for the long term.

If they are nasty about it and detail my shortcomings (in their eyes) in the form of insults, then it would make me feel some relief at not having gotten into a relationship with someone capable of that. If they offer reasons that we're incompatible (traits I have that are beyond my control) then I can at least understand that those are potential deal-breakers for some people. And if they offer constructive criticism about things I can change then I can take that information and make a decision as to whether those are things I really need to change or simply ones that I need to make sure that future potential mates can accept.

The whole "it's not you, it's me" routine really gives me no useful information except the fact that the person saying it doesn't want to spend the effort to help me be a better person but they will happily spend some effort to make themselves not feel like a bad person. That doesn't make them a terrible person, just a little lazy or cowardly or both.

 

[mythago]

The "useful information" is that they don't want to accept your offer. That's it.

They don't owe you an ego-boost, a helpful listing of what might have made them say yes, an excuse for refusing, or an explanation of their own faults that make them unsuitable for you.

If you're doing something terrible that chases women away, it's good for somebody to tell you so that you can fix it--but that's a job for your friends. The ask-ee's only real obligation is to be polite about it, i.e. "Oh, thank you, but I'm not interested" rather than "You?! Go out with you? Bwahahahahahaha!"

 

[Piratecat]

The whole "it's not you, it's me" routine really gives me no useful information except the fact that the person saying it doesn't want to spend the effort to help me be a better person but they will happily spend some effort to make themselves not feel like a bad person. That doesn't make them a terrible person, just a little lazy or cowardly or both.

I'm going to try this next time I close a thread. "I'm really sorry. It's not you, it's me. Klunk."

 

[Keeper of Secrets]

I think this whole thread is kind of creepy.