how to hit on girls without being creepy?

[Rel]

As far as turning down strangers is concerned, I find that the "I'm already seeing someone" excuse is relatively painless for all parties involved, even if it's not true.

If you're gonna lie then this is preferable to LJBF. But expect hurt feelings if you start dating his best friend the following week.

 

[Orblivia]

I dunno it occured to me last week tho...another bit of advice....

Don't hunt down her IM information, have a friend IM on your behalf telling you that you saw her at X and that you like her.

Thats ing creepy.

 

[Piratecat]

I would assume this is because you have some shred of care about the long term viability of a poster on this board. You want them to develop good posting habits so you let them know what they are doing wrong with the hopes that they'll correct those habits in the future or at least understand being banned if they continue in those infractions of the rules (though I've virtually never seen this happen).

Mind you, I also don't have to worry about a disappointed poster stalking me to my house and calling at odd hours of the night, then hanging up. Except for Teflon Billy. But he's an exception.

In a dating situation, especially if I found someone creepy, I may handle things differently. Hard to say.

 

[Xath]

If you're gonna lie then this is preferable to LJBF. But expect hurt feelings if you start dating his best friend the following week.

I said that this qualifies in a situation where strangers are concerned. In general, I don't hold with lies because they tend to overcomplicate things, and there's the guilt and remorse that go along with them.

Being turned down sucks, but turning people down can be equally as uncomfortable and painful, especially in the case of a friend. So many girls choose to minimize their discomfort by creating a lie or excuse that both can live with, without the complete "shot down" effects of utter rejection.

 

[randomling]

I think one of the issues here is that there are some guys around who feel a sense of entitlement on the basis of having asked you out, and if it's a (total) stranger it's difficult to tell the difference. In fact, if a total stranger approaches to ask me for a date, I tend to think they are more likely than the average population to be creepy or unpleasant.

Of the four total strangers who have approached me to ask me out in the last year or so, only one took the initial brush off ("I've got a boyfriend" - a lie, but that was the most recent and I had learned by this point) and went away. Two of them harrassed me after I had said no for a good ten minutes or so with "why not?", asking for my phone number and so on. The remaining one trapped me on a bus, intimidated me into giving him my number, and went on to sexually assault me.

So my experience is that the truth is completely useless with a complete stranger. If a friend or acquaintance was asking me out, I might well act differently.

 

[Xath]

One more bit of "approaching" advice.

No Touching!

When approaching a stranger with whom you would like to engage in conversation, don't touch them. If a hand is offered upon the meeting, that's one thing. But no touching. That will immediately put you on the creepy list.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

I think one of the issues here is that there are some guys around who feel a sense of entitlement on the basis of having asked you out, and if it's a (total) stranger it's difficult to tell the difference. In fact, if a total stranger approaches to ask me for a date, I tend to think they are more likely than the average population to be creepy or unpleasant.

Of the four total strangers who have approached me to ask me out in the last year or so, only one took the initial brush off ("I've got a boyfriend" - a lie, but that was the most recent and I had learned by this point) and went away. Two of them harrassed me after I had said no for a good ten minutes or so with "why not?", asking for my phone number and so on. The remaining one trapped me on a bus, intimidated me into giving him my number, and went on to sexually assault me.

So my experience is that the truth is completely useless with a complete stranger. If a friend or acquaintance was asking me out, I might well act differently.

Well what happened to you was totally out of order, especially, incredibly so in the last example. That's not really anything I can say about that, except to say, well, sorry I guess, on behalf of my gender.

What I was talking about though, was the following two types of cases:

a) Where you have been in a quite serious relationship for at least few months (i.e. a lot more than just "dating") and the girl breaks up with you, gives you the "I want to be friends" line, and then proceeds to stop speaking to you (and you only find out because all subsequent emails, phone calls and text messages go unanswered).

b) Where you have been platonic friends with a girl for a fair period of time, rather stupidly fall for her, and even more stupidly tell her how you feel (not even necessarily "in a let's go out way" but more a "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to tell you how I feel way because it's upsetting me and you're starting to notice") and she first insists that although she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you she definately, absolutely wants to be your friend - and then proceeds to stop speaking to you.

I've been through both, the latter quite recently. The former I managed to go through quite a few times (in slightly different variations) with the same girl, and although now, some years later we're good (platonic) friends, at the time it was a very rough, unpleasant experience to go through. (Especially so as she had a psycho ex-boyfriend, so there were several times - when she'd simply stopped speaking to me for no apparent reason without any explantion - where I was actually seriously worried for her safety).

 

[Jonny Nexus]

One more bit of "approaching" advice.

No Touching!

When approaching a stranger with whom you would like to engage in conversation, don't touch them. If a hand is offered upon the meeting, that's one thing. But no touching. That will immediately put you on the creepy list.

I wouldn't dream of touching someone who I wasn't in some kind of relationship with. Hell! I'm usually a bit cautious when I am in a relationship.

I've actually had times, when in bed with a girl, where she's got so annoyed at me constantly checking to see if she is still okay with me touching her that's she actually snapped and shouted, "Look you can do anything you want, alright! Just stop asking if it's okay!"

 

[Jonny Nexus]

I said that this qualifies in a situation where strangers are concerned. In general, I don't hold with lies because they tend to overcomplicate things, and there's the guilt and remorse that go along with them.

Being turned down sucks, but turning people down can be equally as uncomfortable and painful, especially in the case of a friend. So many girls choose to minimize their discomfort by creating a lie or excuse that both can live with, without the complete "shot down" effects of utter rejection.

Thing is, it's still rejection either way. Consider these two scenarios:

* * * * *​

Boy and girl are friends - perhaps they sometimes trade jokey emails, help each other with various things (homework, DIY, shopping) and sometimes go to the pictures together where it's a film they both like. Boy asks girl out. Girl says, "No, sorry, I don't think we're suited, and I think it would be best if we just steered clear of each other from now on because otherwise it might be a bit awkward."

REJECTION

* * * * *​

Boy and girl are friends - perhaps they sometimes trade jokey emails, help each other with various things (homework, DIY, shopping) and sometimes go to the pictures together where it's a film they both like. Boy asks girl out. Girl says, "No, sorry, I don't think we're suited, but I really want us to stay friends just like we have been."

A couple of weeks later boy emails girl suggesting that they go and see a new film that has come out and that she previously expressed an interest in seeing.

Gets no response.

Boy waits a few days and texts girl asking if she is okay.

Gets no response.

Boy waits a couple of weeks and phones her on her mobile to ask if she is okay.

She rejects the call. He tries calling back thinking maybe her train went through a tunnel or something. Finds that her phone is now turned off. He realises that she is no longer speaking to him.

REJECTION

* * * * *​

Either way it's rejection, but the latter is considerably more painful to deal with. I can see why the woman in this case would do it, because it's hard to tell someone to their face that you don't want to be friends with them anymore. But there's no point claiming that it's being done for the benefit of the person being dumped, because it quite clearly isn't to their benefit.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

I do believe I'm in that sort of situation right now. A woman that I dated, which didn't work out, now has about $90 worth of my stuff (a DVD and a school textbook). I've been trying for two months to get them back, but she keeps putting me off. All I want is my damn stuff, then she can go jump off a bridge for all I care (I've made every effort to stay friends, and been blown off for months, so it's obvious she isn't interested).

There should be a rule: if you're going to discard a guy, give him back his freaking stuff first.

$90? That's nothing!

I'm owed a total of around £4800 (around $9000 at current prices) by two particular girls.

Yes, I am a mug when it comes to women. And to answer the inevitable questions about why I haven't tried / insisted on getting the money back:

a) These were verbal agreements, so I have no proof, and if I tried pressing the issue (i.e. phoning, writing, emailing) they could just have reported me for stalking.

b) I have better things to do with my life than beg / ask nicely people I no longer like to give me back what is, after all, my money.

At least I can feel good about myself. I'm not sure about them.