how to hit on girls without being creepy?

[Rel]

Oooh, bad call. TB has teh sexay. The chicks won't even notice you.

I'm counting on sheer volume. I figure he'll draw a big crowd but he can't handle more than 6 or 7 by himself and I'll see if I can pick off a straggler.

Ah, romance!

 

[d20Dwarf]

Then I have to deal with this roiling blob of feelings, intuitions, and thoughts..

That's no way to talk about your friends, especially ones that like you.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

In my experience, when I have sued the "let's just be friends" line and then break off contact

Just out of interest, when you did that, did you let the bloke know were breaking off contact (i.e. say to him, "I'm sorry, but I think it's best if we go our separate ways") or did you just stop speaking to him (so he was left not quite knowing how you felt about him - angry? upset? speaking? not speaking? friends? not friends?)

Because that's the bit that annoys me. I don't mind a woman saying she wants to be friends and then changing her mind. I just think that where you have someone who you once thought of as a friend, and who hasn't been in anyway nasty or agressive to you - well I think he deserves that you at least be honest to him, and not leave him hanging, wondering just how badly you hate him.

That's *all* I'm saying. It doesn't seem a huge thing to ask.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

most men, except those who are more "effeminate," don't really know how to be platonic friends with women. Or rather, they do, but as long as they aren't reminded that they are dealing with a woman. In other words, as long as sex and romance don't become the topic of conversation.

Well just an aside, I've got quite a few female platonic friends, and I generally find I don't have a problem having a platonic friendship as long as don't fall in love with them (which has happened twice in my lifetime).

I have to say that I find it a bit hard to believe that women are immune from falling in love with someone who they've decided they want to be platonic friends with.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Just out of interest, when you did that, did you let the bloke know were breaking off contact (i.e. say to him, "I'm sorry, but I think it's best if we go our separate ways") or did you just stop speaking to him (so he was left not quite knowing how you felt about him - angry? upset? speaking? not speaking? friends? not friends?)

I'd say that girls behave this way for one reason and one reason only Johnny, and strangely, it's the same reason I outlined earlier in my thread for the way I behave...

It gets the results they want with the least effort/most predictablity

If she has decided that you have changed the fundamental nature of your relationship ("Acquaintances" from the sound of it), then she probably doesn't feel that she needs or wants a lot of drama. Were I her, I would assume that fully half of the conversations you and she would have from this point forward would be about "your relationship" and would likley be very forced and uncomfortable.

It sounds a lot like when I tell a girl "I'll call you" at the end of an evening, knowing that I have no intention of doing so. Telling her that I didn't have a good enough time to call her up again is not an action that bears any fruit for me whatsoever. As such, I don't do it.

"I'll call you" in this case is simply a farewell, in much the same fashion that "how are you doing?" is not so much a question as a greeting.

That is what "I just want to be friends" is (most of the time), it's not a plea for freindship, it is a dismissal. One that hopefully minimizes the uncomfortable situation the girl has been put in

Don't get all huffy with them over it, just accept it for what it is.

Because, at it's core, a "friendship" where one "friend" has unrequited romantic designs on the other is not a freindship; it is a recipe for disaster.

...well I think he deserves that you at least be honest to him, and not leave him hanging, wondering just how badly you hate him.

That's *all* I'm saying. It doesn't seem a huge thing to ask.

Oh Christ Johnny...a plea for honesty and closure? why not just send her an email with a cryptic "I just want to know where I stand" or perhaps "we need to decide where this relationship is going".

Your pleas for honesty are classic "girl whine"... She has been as honest as she needs to be. The message is all there. You are just refusing to read it.

• She hit you with "let's be friends"
• She has not "been friends"

What else do you need? :\

 

[Teflon Billy]

Well just an aside, I've got quite a few female platonic friends, and I generally find I don't have a problem having a platonic friendship as long as don't fall in love with them (which has happened twice in my lifetime).

I have to say that I find it a bit hard to believe that women are immune from falling in love with someone who they've decided they want to be platonic friends with.

So you've twice fallen for "Platonic friends" and you find it "hard to believe" that a woman might not fall in love with a man she has decided she only likes platonically?

If this woman has knwn you for awhile--and is aware of your above stated suspicions--It is beginning to become a lot clearer why she has bulwarked herself from you.

 

[Droid101]

Your pleas for honesty are classic "girl whine"... She has been as honest as she needs to be. The message is all there. You are just refusing to read it.

• She hit you with "let's be friends"
• She has not "been friends"

What else do you need? :\

T-Bill quoted for Truth.

Seriously, I hate to be mean Jonny, but stop whining. It's over. Deal with it.

I have had to say "I'll call you when I'm more comfortable." after dates/relationships have gone sour. And never called them back. You just know.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

What else do you need? :\

Well in a sense nothing. I know the friendship was over, which was why I said:

I'm fairly happy in my own mind that the friendship is over - although very unhappy that I've destroyed what I thought was a very, good friendship.

I'm working on the assumption that she wants nothing to do with me, which is why I haven't made any attempt to contact her.

I guess what pisses me off a bit is the way women (at least an awful lot of women) claim the moral high ground in the relationships arena by slagging off us men for every selfish* thing we do while denying that their classic actions (like the "I want us to be good friends" technique) are in any way selfish whatsoever. And even, incredibly, argue that they're doing it for our benefit!

That's not to say that any one gender is better than the other. For example, as you yourself pointed out, some men say "I'll call you" when they don't mean it, as do some women, while some men and women don't. I don't for example, because without wanting to sound like a goody-two-shoes, I think it's a pretty nasty thing to do and I wouldn't want it done to me. But it does piss me off when women say, "Why don't men call!" when the the truth is that some men (like me) do call and some women (like the girl who took me for £3000) don't. Ever, in her case. Except when she needed more money.

But you're right to point out that there's no point whining about it, because I'll just piss everyone off, men for being a wussy cry baby, and women because they'll probably just write me off as a sexist pig.

*In this context, I'm using "selfish" in the meaning of an action that someone takes because it is easy, convenient and painless for them, in preferences to alternative actions that would be less easy for themselves, but better for the other person concerned.

 

[Obryn]

Once again, TB, thanks for cutting through the BS.

Newsflash - If it's an acquaintance or someone you just met, they have absolutely no duty to tell you all the reasons they don't want to date you.

If it's a long-term friend, shame on you for bringing it up in the first place. Friendships do sometimes turn into more, but it doesn't happen during long soul-searching "we gotta talk" kinds of conversations. If they turn into more, it's a spontaneous thing - usually after a few beers.

Aside to Johnny Nexus - Lemme see if I get this straight... Two exes owe you a crapload of money? Wow. You can think of yourself as a better person all you want, but the truth is that you were used.

-O

 

[Jonny Nexus]

So you've twice fallen for "Platonic friends" and

Well I am thirty-five, so that's like once every ten years. It's not like I make a habit of it.

you find it "hard to believe" that a woman might not fall in love with a man she has decided she only likes platonically?

If this woman has knwn you for awhile--and is aware of your above stated suspicions--It is beginning to become a lot clearer why she has bulwarked herself from you.

Sorry, I'm genuinely a bit confused here...

You thing I'm weird because I think that it's possible for a women who tries to have a platonic friendship with someone who's unavailable for anything else (perhaps because he's in a relationship, is gay, or has just said he doesn't fancy her) to end up falling in love with him, even though she knows it's not a good idea.

See, I guess I'd think you're a bit weird if you think that *can't* ever happen...

But I think somewhere either you're misunderstanding me or I'm misunderstanding you.

Did you think I meant in in the sense that I thought a woman who said she wasn't interested in *me* might change her mind if I hung around? If so, that was *not* what I meant. Hell, my self-confidence is so low that I find it hard to believe that a women might be interested in me even if she *insisted* she was. (I'd be looking around for the hidden camera).

No, I meant it simply in the sense that sometimes we (both men and women) end up falling in love with people we shouldn't have done, and it doesn't make us bad people - it simply makes us human.