how to hit on girls without being creepy?

[Xath]

b) Where you have been platonic friends with a girl for a fair period of time, rather stupidly fall for her, and even more stupidly tell her how you feel (not even necessarily "in a let's go out way" but more a "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to tell you how I feel way because it's upsetting me and you're starting to notice") and she first insists that although she doesn't want a romantic relationship with you she definately, absolutely wants to be your friend - and then proceeds to stop speaking to you.

Someone not speaking to you after that seems a little extreme, but I can tell you from personal experience that it's really wierd to be the girl in the above situation. Even if she has an inkling that you may be attracted to her, it's another thing entirely to have it out in the open. Girls feel that they can talk to guys who are "friends" about anything, because you can get the opinion of the opposite sex without the sexual tension. I don't really hold with the "When Harry Met Sally" opinion. But when a guy reveals that there is that sort of romantic interest, the comfort zone is taken away. Which is going to change the friendship, though it doesn't always end it.

Afterwards, the girl may feel as though if she continues to act normally, you may get the feeling that she's leading you on, which causes her to distance herself, at least initially. It's not really fair to either of you, but can you really expect things to just be hunky dory when you drop a bomb like that?

Remember, if the girl has a feeling that you like her before you tell her, she'll give you clues as to how she'd react if approached. That should let you know whether to breach the subject or not.

 

[Xath]

Either way it's rejection, but the latter is considerably more painful to deal with. I can see why the woman in this case would do it, because it's hard to tell someone to their face that you don't want to be friends with them anymore. But there's no point claiming that it's being done for the benefit of the person being dumped, because it quite clearly isn't to their benefit.

It's not to the benefit of anyone. But perhaps you pressed the issue too soon. You should have asked her to the movie with a group of friends that you mutually hang out with. Asking her to a movie like that after dropping the attraction bomb may have made her feel like you were trying to go out with her, even though she had said she wasn't interested.

 

[Droid101]

If you're an experienced single guy, you've almost subconsciously been tracking everyone in the vicinity since you arrived in order to determine their relationships to potential dateables.

You rule man, you rule. I soooo do that without even realizing it.

I love this thread. Makes me happy.

 

[Jonny Nexus]

It's not to the benefit of anyone. But perhaps you pressed the issue too soon. You should have asked her to the movie with a group of friends that you mutually hang out with. Asking her to a movie like that after dropping the attraction bomb may have made her feel like you were trying to go out with her, even though she had said she wasn't interested.

Well that was more a hypothetical example. In *my* recent(ish) case, when we had the "conversation" she insisted that it didn't in any way change how she felt about me, and we agreed that I should probably take a few weeks to get my head together and then get back in contact with her when I had. She specifically said that she wanted the friendship to continue.

Anyhow, I took a few weeks (about five as I recall), and did work through my feelings pretty well. I'm not saying I didn't still feel a few pangs, but I was able to have a much better perspective on what was, if I'm honest, not really any more than a crush. By that point I thought I ought to email her, because I'd said I'd do that and I thought she might be worried about me.

My motivation here wasn't to immediately see her again. I didn't think that would be a good thing, either for her, or for me. But we had previously had a really good, close friendship and I just wanted to touch base with her so we could keep in general contact, and perhaps at some point in the future resume the friendship. Because by this point, having largely got over the "crush" feelings, what was really upsetting me was the thought that I might have destroyed the friendship (and I know she'd said that I hadn't, but bitter experience has taught me that girls generally say that, regardless).

I was also aware that because of the way it had been left (me taking some time out of the friendship to get my head together) she couldn't really contact me, because she'd know I might still be a bit upset about things and would worry about upsetting me further. So if we were to get our friendship back on track, it was up to me to contact her.

So I sent her a nice, reasonably chatty email, letting her know that I was okay, and moving on and stuff, and basically just filling her in on what other things had been happening in my life - which was quite a lot of good stuff as it happens. It was friendly, positive, and I didn't in any way suggest us seeing each other. It was litterally just a "touch bases" email. And I really worked hard to write it as well as I could, with nothing that could be misunderstood, or that might make her feel bad.

Really, all I was expecting from her was a similarly chatty email back, just saying hi, and saying a few things about the way her life was going. Then we could have left it for a few months, knowing that the friendship was still there, just sleeping. Then maybe, in a few months time, maybe we'd go see a film or something. (Or at the very least, I could have sent her a New Years text message on Jan 1st).

Anyhow, two or three weeks went by and nothing. As you can no doubt imagine, by this point I was worried that perhaps, email being what it is, my email had just disappeared into the ether. (And it would be horrible to end a friendship because - due to a lost email - you each thought that the other one was ignoring you).

So eventually, I sent her a text message (text was the standard way we used to "chat") asking if she'd got my email, and saying that it was fine if she had but had been too busy to respond to it yet, but I was just a bit worried that it might have got lost in the ether and wanted to check.

She replied back pretty much saying that she'd been busy and hadn't replied yet and not much else. I showed the message to a few friends and the conclusion they all came from (from the way she'd put it, was "brush off").

And that was that. She never did reply to the email. (It's now several months later).

I'm fairly happy in my own mind that the friendship is over - although very unhappy that I've destroyed what I thought was a very, good friendship. But it would be nice to know 100% that the friendship is permantly over, rather than having to assume it. It not very nice to have doubts about something like this.

And that's that!

* * *

Well that was a bit more personal information than I was planning on giving...

 

[Jonny Nexus]

You rule man, you rule. I soooo do that without even realizing it.

I love this thread. Makes me happy.

Glad someone's enjoying it. I nearly committed suicide on page one when someone said that girls don't go for guys who wear tie-die t-shirts.

 

[Rel]

I love this thread. Makes me happy.

Me too. Happy to be married and no longer in the dating pool.

Though if I ever am (God forbid), I'm gonna see if I can cruise for chicks with TB.

 

[Psion]

Though if I ever am (God forbid), I'm gonna see if I can cruise for chicks with TB.

Oooh, bad call. TB has teh sexay. The chicks won't even notice you.

 

[Afrodyte]

Someone not speaking to you after that seems a little extreme, but I can tell you from personal experience that it's really wierd to be the girl in the above situation. Even if she has an inkling that you may be attracted to her, it's another thing entirely to have it out in the open.

[snip]

Afterwards, the girl may feel as though if she continues to act normally, you may get the feeling that she's leading you on, which causes her to distance herself, at least initially. It's not really fair to either of you, but can you really expect things to just be hunky dory when you drop a bomb like that?

This is precisely what makes it hard to deal with male friends (generally just gamer buddies) who suddenly express a desire to go out with me. Honestly, I do not know how to handle it when a guy drops the bomb and says he likes me. I'm not approached that often by men, let alone men I find attractive. Then I have to deal with this roiling blob of feelings, intuitions, and thoughts. Oftentimes I don't know how I should feel about the person. My instincts can tell me one thing, my mind another, and my body something entirely different. I don't want to push a nice person away, but I don't want to put myself into a dangerous predicament either. Although I'm sure that sharing this would be reassuring to a guy who's interested in me, I don't think I want to tell these thoughts and feelings to someone I barely know. In my experience, when I have sued the "let's just be friends" line and then break off contact, it's been because most men, except those who are more "effeminate," don't really know how to be platonic friends with women. Or rather, they do, but as long as they aren't reminded that they are dealing with a woman. In other words, as long as sex and romance don't become the topic of conversation.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Mind you, I also don't have to worry about a disappointed poster stalking me to my house and calling at odd hours of the night, then hanging up. Except for Teflon Billy. But he's an exception.

You love it and you know it...

 

[Rel]

I'm not approached that often by men, let alone men I find attractive. Then I have to deal with this roiling blob of feelings, intuitions, and thoughts. Oftentimes I don't know how I should feel about the person. My instincts can tell me one thing, my mind another, and my body something entirely different.

"You over think things
You say 'what if
we're not meant to be?'
Well you know what? So what
Make a mistake with me

Nobody goes through this life and does
Everything perfectly
We're all gonna fail
So you might as well
Make a mistake with me"

Sorry, but I was listening to this song on the way home and it seemed appropriate to your predicament.