How would your group handle this somewhat delicate situation with a player?

[Nightchilde-2]

There must be some space in a couple. She has to concede him a game night and he has to trade something in return.

Otherwise their marriage is going in the wrong direction.

This is what my wife and I have done since the beginning of our marriage and it's worked out well for going on 9 years. She has her stuff she wants to do and I have my gaming. We still spend a lot of time together, but spending time doing our own thing makes us stronger as a whole (and gives us something to talk about outside of the same ol' boring everyday routine).

 

[Mallus]

Anyway, any ideas on how to approach this thing?

Sure. If the rest of the group wants to establish a fixed gaming schedule, then set one up. Take your own advice and "grow a pair"... just remember to be polite. It's possible to have both cajones and good manners.

There is no need to let this one player dictate the group's gaming schedule. On the other hand, you don't seem to be a close friend the guy, so you have absolutely no right to "confront" or in any way comment on the relationship he has with his wife.

If you decide to do something about this situation --ie, grow a pair-- leave the wife out of it. Present it as a simply scheduling issue. The rest of the group wants a fixed schedule, can he work with that?

 

[Fifth Element]

Baseless assumption based on the facts given by Joe.

"Seems to be" indicates a fact to you? To me it indicates that's what joethelawyer's impression is based on what this guy has said. This guy may not be giving the whole truth, and joethelawyer may be grossly misinterpreting the situation.

 

[mmu1]

Based purely on how you described this so far, I don't see why you care about having this guy play. (nothing you've said really indicates you care about the guy or what he brings to the game)

To be honest, the kind of playing arrangement you guys have right now would drive me nuts - and I'd tell anyone who thought it'd be fine to let me know on a week-by-week basis whether the effort I'd made to set aside the time to play and schedule other things around it was just a waste to take a hike. That is not how people who respect each other behave.

If you're having major family issues, you have to be an adult about it and stop gaming, rather than hold everyone else's schedules hostage so that you can still squeeze in one game a month, when it's convenient.

Just tell him that you're sorry, but the current schedule isn't working for everyone else in the group, ask if there's any alternative way of doing things that would make it possible for him to play regularly, and tell him that the door's always open when he can make it. If he can't handle that, it's not your fault or responsibility. Then get another player, if you need the bodies at the table.

 

[Obryn]

As a married guy, I worked things out with my wife. I run a regular game on Wednesdays (when she works late), and 1/month on Sundays. I like to spend time with her, and vice-versa, even if it's only hanging out on the couch and watching TV... That's at least as important as gaming in my life.

I don't think the unmarried folks on the board (*cough* justanobody *cough*) realize that marriage involves actually living with someone, matching your schedules, and making your lives work together. Gaming is important, but so is everything else in your life... Homes take work. Marriages take work. Pets take work. Kids take more work than all the rest of those combined, and when my wife and I have one, I expect gaming will take a back seat for some time.

With that said, joe, the rest of your group should not be beholden to his schedule. Make game night on a night when the most players can show up, and set the schedule. If this guy can make it, great. If not, find another player (if possible). You shouldn't spoil your game for one guy. Even more to the point, don't blame his wife. He's a grown-up, and it's his job to work things out, not yours. From his perspective, your game is far less important than his life.

-O

 

[OchreJelly]

As an adult gamer in his 30’s I can safely say I’m well passed the days of calling a friend and saying “what’s up today? Wanna hang out?” We are all busy adults with our own things going on, be they relationships, work, or any other adult responsibilities. Having gamed a good chunk of my adult life I have the following advice:
-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Let the traditions go. I know it’s painful but there comes a time when an assumed tradition, especially around a holiday, becomes too difficult for all parties to manage.
-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Schedule it and adhere to it. Have a set game date and time. Location can vary. If said gamer can’t make it that week, no biggie. He just misses the session. I personally deal with this one a lot and as a DM the best advice I can give is to learn how to scale encounters on the fly. What also helps this is to have enough players so that missing one on any given week isn’t going to hurt the group as a whole too bad. Recruit if necessary.
-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Schedule it and adhere to it. I just can’t stress it enough. Adults need to plan their time. Sure things come up and it’s not always marital. In my group people often get stuck working late. It’s a drag, but everyone understands it and respects it.
-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]Have a fallback. Sometimes player attrition may be too strong to have a stable play session. Do something else with that players that can make it – play video games, eat pizza, drink beer, and watch movies are all viable options.

 

[Rel]

I don't think the unmarried folks on the board (*cough* justanobody *cough*) realize that marriage involves actually living with someone, matching your schedules, and making your lives work together. Gaming is important, but so is everything else in your life... Homes take work. Marriages take work. Pets take work. Kids take more work than all the rest of those combined, and when my wife and I have one, I expect gaming will take a back seat for some time.

I doubt you'd get many people who disagree with your basic assertion. I think that the point being made by some (indelicately in a few cases) is that part of "making your lives work together" includes respecting each other's needs and desires.

Assume for a moment that some of the theories here about the wife "forbidding" the husband to have a weekly game night are correct. If that situation were reversed and the wife were posting to complain that her husband refused to allow her to spend an evening with her friends once a week, the cries of "Lose that Zero and get with a Hero" would be deafening.

If that is really what is going on here, I don't think it is the place of the gaming group to intervene in their marital issues. BUT, I do think it bodes poorly for their marriage if she's making demands like that. Because he will grow resentful (probably quietly resentful from similar marriages I've seen) and that kind of poison leads to all manner of bad things eventually.

I will concede that there are any number of other possibilities, not the least of which is that he really would rather spend time with his wife and is simply using her as an excuse to bow out of the game. I think that makes him a jerk for painting her as the "bad guy" and is why they need to be direct with him about wanting to set a regular day and time so they can all quit this little dance.

 

[justanobody]

Also married folks aren't the only ones that have to juggle schedules. It is all about cooperation between the two groups as it is.

Either she isn't with him, or he isn't with the group. Something is amiss either way. :\

 

[Cadfan]

I will concede that there are any number of other possibilities, not the least of which is that he really would rather spend time with his wife and is simply using her as an excuse to bow out of the game. I think that makes him a jerk for painting her as the "bad guy" and is why they need to be direct with him about wanting to set a regular day and time so they can all quit this little dance.

What about the other possibility- he's not painting her as the bad guy at all. He just honestly wants to spend time with his wife when she's around, and game without her when she's not, and is saying so.

Remember, other than the Thanksgiving matter, the OP didn't complain that this guy was skipping out on D&D nights, or that they couldn't game as often as they wanted. He complained that he couldn't schedule his gaming regularly instead of ad hoc. He then concluded that this guy was the "wussy" in his marriage.

If someone told me that I was the "wussy" in my marriage because I'm not willing to go gaming on the four nights a week I get with my wife due to our work schedules, I wouldn't game with them anymore. Screw them. I have actual friends I can hang with instead.

I don't know for a fact that this is the scenario here, but it sounds like it is.

 

[Rel]

Cadfan, I'm quoting this part of the OP.

Now, there seems to be a complication. She is out of school. The household rule with them seems to be that if she is home, he has to be home. We work our game days around her schedule lately. It doesn't seem to be so much "We never see each other." It seems to be more an issue of lack freedom in a relationship to do your own thing.

I'm crediting joe (per his own admission) with being tactless but not unobservant. I am willing to assume that if the player were of the mind that "If my wife is around I'd rather be with her than gaming." that he'd have picked up on that vibe.

Instead he says that the "rule" appears to be that "if she is home, he has to be home". The implication I draw from that is that she may have stuff come up that she wants to do in the evening and, if so, he may have the "night off to do as he wishes". That smacks rather too much of a master/servant relationship for me.

Again, I'm not saying this is the way it IS. Only that our available information seems to point to this impression. As I mentioned before, if the player is the only one passing this impression along to the rest of the group, it might represent things as they truly are or he could just be scapegoating his wife for his lack of spine.