I feel like ****

[Dordledum]

I just kicked somebody out of our RPG group. I hated doing it, but I saw no other way.

the longer version: we have a RPG group, the core group has now been together for 11 years and were even friends before. One of the core group, then the GM, had a friend who wanted to play. We said ok, let's give it a shot. Let's call him Flumph.

Flumph joined the group, a shy guy, socially not the most capable, but ok. Everything was fine, we played half a year together. Continually his characters got more disruptive, very inconsistent and a few of us got increasingly agitated.

Personally, I didn't saw it as a real problem, but a few of the core group got to complaining about the guy in between sessions. Then the guy who was part of the core group (for 10 years at that time) and introduced Flumph quit our game because of family obligations. We got stuck with his friend.

This was slowly escalating behind Flumph's back, until he suddenly announced that he was moving to another part of the country. Problem solved, I thought.

Once a few months he kept coming. People got a bit hostile, but he didn't notice. Mostly underhanded quirps. Then people started to call in sick , or came up with excuses not to join the games when he would be there.

Me and our current GM (part of the original 5), really didn't have any big issues with Flumph, but our loyalty lies with the core group. We got 2 other new players and they seem to be doing fine.

A few days ago, Flumph e-mailed us that he would be there for our game tomorrow night. The atmosphere was not nice, biut no-one had the balls to confront him.

So, today (after consulting the rest), I sent Flumph an e-mail that he'd better not come tomorrow because it doens't click with a larger part of the group. I personally had no beef with him, but this spoiled our game so much, I couldn't stand it no longer.

He was surprised and disgruntled to say the least and now wants to discuss it in further length.

I'm afraid I opened a can of worms too big too handle.

 

[Umbran]

Well, if you want to identify your root problem - it is probably in allowing this to go on for months without addressing it openly.

However, that's learning for the future. For now, you have the immediate point about dealing with this gent. Be honest. Let him know what behaviors have been bugging your players (even if they haven't been bugging you). If he offers to change, you have to assess for yourself how likely that change is.

Moreover, you'll have to assess how likely it is your group will be to accept him even if he does change.

 

[Jraynack]

As a Game Master and Player for over 25 years, I've had similar situations - not only with new players, but players who played with our group for over 10 years.

Though not a counselor, I feel like you did the right thing, since after working hard during the week, the place you escape to should not cause any anxiety. And, when things like this happen, if not confronted, it could destroy the group.

However, it should be only fair for people to talk about (not vent) their grievances with Flumph, either through e-mail or person. This allows Flumph to realize what rubbed people the wrong way and then, let him make a second go of it (if the rest of the group feels that is okay) - but everybody deserves to know - sometimes people are just oblivious.

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

He was surprised and disgruntled to say the least and now wants to discuss it in further length.

If this was the first that Flumph has formally heard of being disliked or in danger of being shown the door why shouldn't he be surprised and disgruntled? People don't have ESP. Even when everyone around them is annoyed by him and avoids him that doesn't mean HE sees it.

Yeah, If you're the DM you owed him notice that his behavior was a problem, then another notice if his behavior wasn't being altered, and THEN you could have informed him that he was out.

I'm afraid I opened a can of worms too big too handle.

Well it's a can of worms alright. How big depends on how everybody involved proceeds and acts from this point. Now, I assume that you AREN'T going to change your mind and say, "Oh. Sorry. Nevermind." That the disruption to your group by his presence is simply too entrenched. Well, so be it. It IS your choice whether he stays or goes. But unless there was more that took place than you've mentioned I would say that you still owe him an apology for your own lack of communication.

Remember that you can't really expect him to react positively or sensibly to what you say at this point because he's already been ambushed. By all means smooth his ruffled feathers, but if he's genuinely a disruptive influence then stick to your guns on that score.

 

[Morrus]

What exactly is it he's doing that's angering people so much? All you say is that his characters became "disruptive and inconsistent" and as a result you all became agitated.

 

[Dordledum]

Well, if you want to identify your root problem - it is probably in allowing this to go on for months without addressing it openly.

very true

However, it should be only fair for people to talk about (not vent) their grievances with Flumph, either through e-mail or person. This allows Flumph to realize what rubbed people the wrong way and then, let him make a second go of it (if the rest of the group feels that is okay) - but everybody deserves to know - sometimes people are just oblivious.

again true, he was oblivious, which makes it more painful. most people would have gotten all the hints though.

Yeah, If you're the DM you owed him notice that his behavior was a problem, then another notice if his behavior wasn't being altered, and THEN you could have informed him that he was out.

Well it's a can of worms alright. How big depends on how everybody involved proceeds and acts from this point. Now, I assume that you AREN'T going to change your mind and say, "Oh. Sorry. Nevermind." That the disruption to your group by his presence is simply too entrenched. Well, so be it. It IS your choice whether he stays or goes. But unless there was more that took place than you've mentioned I would say that you still owe him an apology for your own lack of communication.

Remember that you can't really expect him to react positively or sensibly to what you say at this point because he's already been ambushed. By all means smooth his ruffled feathers, but if he's genuinely a disruptive influence then stick to your guns on that score.

problem is, I am not (not currently) the DM, but the DM didn't want to address the problem, because he had no beef with the guy. Neither did I, but the games are in my livingroom, and I want to have fun. Those who did have the problem with him, only whined at the dm and at me, but not at Flumph.

What exactly is it he's doing that's angering people so much? All you say is that his characters became "disruptive and inconsistent" and as a result you all became agitated.

As I was not one to have an actual problem with him, except for the fact that the rest has a problem with him, I find it hard to say. Sometimes it's hard to identify why people don't like each other, but they still do and it disrupts my evening to.

I write it down to incompatible personalities.

 

[jasper]

Sorry you don't owe Flumph anything else. He was toxic to your game. And since you mention he was clueless to underhanded comments by your other gamers, don't distrub your group any more.
No where in the rules have I ever seen; that you must play with goobers, give goobers multiple chances to become socially aware, and learn how to fit in.
If flumph does show, ask him to leave. If he won't, the cops are a phone call away.

 

[renau1g]

Yeah, we had an issue like this way back in my 2e days. One of the guys brought a friend who'd been playing since 1e (we only started in 2e). This guy spent like an hour arguing with the DM about needing a staff of disintegration at level 5 or so. Then his PC was a super arrogant jerk that would threaten us with said staff (the DM caved so we could get the game going, giving him 1 charge on the staff).

Fortunately we nipped it in the bud and told him after, that his playstyle wasn't what we were looking for and that he wasn't welcome back.

To the OP, yeah, if he's somewhat socially awkward maybe he didn't pick up on the cues from people's reactions to his "disruptive and inconsistent" actions. If nobody said "Hey Flumph, it really is annoying when you do X" then he probably thinks things are fine. We had to do that with one guy which had his PC defecate on enemies he killed. The DM and I told him that "ok we get it, your guy likes to go numero 2 on enemies, let's just stop discussing it after every battle" (In my games I ran, I just said all bodily functions happen offscreen, they are not to be brought up in game).

 

[the Jester]

Sometimes you have to lance a boil.

That said, your group really should have addressed this explicitly and openly long ago. It might be too late at this point, but I generally try to give everyone a chance to correct their behavior before giving them the boot.

 

[Umbran]

again true, he was oblivious, which makes it more painful. most people would have gotten all the hints though.

With respect - no. "They should have gotten the hint," is a highly passive-aggressive thing.

As I was not one to have an actual problem with him, except for the fact that the rest has a problem with him, I find it hard to say. Sometimes it's hard to identify why people don't like each other, but they still do and it disrupts my evening to.

See what I mean? You, who are on good-enough terms with both sides, can't tell what is actually wrong, but you expect him to have "gotten the hint"?

If I may - it doesn't seem to me that clarity of communication is your group's strong suit. If you want to actually fix the problem, you may need to look beyond Flumph himself for the solution.