I feel like ****

[Jester David]

I hate having to kick-out players. Really does feel like dumping someone.

 

[Holy Bovine]

Yeah, If you're the DM you owed him notice that his behavior was a problem, then another notice if his behavior wasn't being altered, and THEN you could have informed him that he was out.

Huh? Why is that then? What is so terrible with a 'Dude you're just not meshing well with the rest of the group - sorry but you have to leave'? Is there some code of conduct for gaming groups I haven't heard of? In regular walks of life when I meet someone who just rubs me the wrong way I either avoid them entirely (as long as it doesn't mean I miss events I want to go to) or I tell them I don't want to hang with them anymore. Do I have to give these people 3 chances to not be annoying? Really? I'll never understand why gaming groups seem to operate outside normal social interaction "rules".

 

[BlueBlackRed]

Kicking out players is never fun.
I've had to do it before and have been sick to my stomach each time.

One guy was a great person, but his issues began to wear on me and others.
We'd love to have his company, but we just couldn't game with him.

I sent him a very long e-mail that I type out over a week, listing out everything he did (including nearly breaking my furniture, not flushing, and so on).
I did it poorly and I think I wrote it all out more for me to have said everything rather than be kind about it.

Be honest with your kicked gamer, but not overly so.
Try not to use the word "but", because it negates anything positive you just said.
Give him the bare essential information: "You're presence has ruined the fun for a large portion of our players."
If he pushes for more, tell him, and do not sugarcoat it or give him a way to come back.
Make sure he knows he's out with no chance of returning.

 

[Leviatham]

Not knowing detailed reasons as to what was so disruptive that your friends disliked this guy, I can't really comment on his behaviour.

I think you've done the right thing, but probably not in the right way. And maybe you weren't the right person to do it.

When we've had to ask someone to leave a game in our group, it's always been by consensus and more than one has been involved in delivering the news. Also we've done it face to face and not via email.

I think it's unfair, though, to ask the guy to leave without proper explanation. And I feel proper explanations are owed by those who felt uncomfortable with him. If you didn't, then why should you be that person?

As a way of managing the situation, I wonder if it would make both of you feel better if you could direct him to another group, or give him some guidance as to where to find other players so he doesn't have to stop playing altogether.

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

Huh? Why is that then? What is so terrible with a 'Dude you're just not meshing well with the rest of the group - sorry but you have to leave'? Is there some code of conduct for gaming groups I haven't heard of?

This would fall under the auspices of "common courtesy".

In regular walks of life when I meet someone who just rubs me the wrong way I either avoid them entirely (as long as it doesn't mean I miss events I want to go to) or I tell them I don't want to hang with them anymore.

In this case we aren't talking about someone you just met but someone that has been a member of the gaming group for a year or more(?). Simply announcing out of the blue that, "nobody likes the way you game so go away," (which it sounds to me like what is happening) is rude. Is this written in a gaming book somewhere? I doubt it. But it ought to be since the great majority of problems with gaming groups isn't rules arguments but simple lack of communication. By what's been said he wasn't immediately and intolerably incompatible, it was a trend that grew over a significant period of time.

Do I have to give these people 3 chances to not be annoying? Really? I'll never understand why gaming groups seem to operate outside normal social interaction "rules".

They don't - and THAT is why Mr. Flumph was owed being directly informed when people began to dislike him about WHY people were beginning to dislike him. It is why he was owed at least a chance at expending some effort to better fit with the group. You are free to treat people as you wish. Given what I've read here, YES, there should have been at least three specific conversations about Flumph's fit within the group. First: you're not fitting as well as we would like with our playstyle. Second: things aren't improving and this may be something you're not going to be able to fix. Third: better luck in your next gaming endeavor.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Never had to kick someone out of a game group. But I was on a bowling team where one guy had to kick his brother off the team.

Skip to the end: since then, we have all bowled together since then.

But the only reason this was possible is because the guy explained to his brother in clear and definite terms why he was being kicked off the team. That let his brother have the chance to change, and change he did.

Tell the guy why he was kicked out. It may not lead to him rejoining your group, but it gives the guy a chance to change for the better.

 

[Lwaxy]

So you say he has social issues but it is THE OTHERS talking behind his back and not even telling what exactly the problem is?

To me it looks like the others are the ones with no social competence. Passive aggressive fits it indeed. If anyone in our groups would keep talking bad about people not present (gossip), it would be them who had to go, no matter how long they were in the group. This has almost happened twice, btw.

If they don't want to address the issue, chances are they are not really issues and it comes all down to a form of mobbing. Their issues are maybe not even game related. Maybe they don't want to deal with his shyness, or they are irritated by him not getting body language. Whatever it is, unless Flumph is obnoxious/smelly/impolite/rude/derails the story/anything other obvious it does not look like it is his fault.

Time to sit down with the core group and find out what exactly the issue is or if they are just mobbing someone they don't understand.

 

[Umbran]

In regular walks of life when I meet someone...

Well, this isn't "meeting". This is, "We've had this guy around for the better part of a year." Barring other statements form the OP, he's invested as much time and effort in the game as anyone else for that time.

Common courtesy, Golden Rule, call it what you will.

Do I have to give these people 3 chances to not be annoying? Really?

They deserve as many chances to annoy you as you'd like chances to adjust your behavior in the same situation. Or maybe you'd prefer people snipe at you behind your back for half a year, and then kick you out without discussion?

I'll never understand why gaming groups seem to operate outside normal social interaction "rules".

Taking the full context into account, I don't think there's anything outside the norm of social rules here.

 

[Desdichado]

With respect - no. "They should have gotten the hint," is a highly passive-aggressive thing.

But that's not what he said, what he said was "most people would have gotten the hint." That's not passive aggressive at all. I think that's a totally different kind of thing. Not to imply that there may not have been passive aggressive behavior involved, but that comment specifically that you responded to doesn't indicate it. I think it's perfectly acceptable to believe that people will take broad hints, and to express surprise when they don't.

Where I'm struggling is (for the OP), why did you tell him if 1) you aren't the one having a problem with him, and 2) you can't even articulate exactly what the problem is? It sounds like you went off a bit half-cocked; I would have at least sat down with everyone else and said, "Look, if this is causing the group to fall apart, then let me figure out exactly what the issues are, and I'll tell him."

 

[Umbran]

But that's not what he said, what he said was "most people would have gotten the hint." That's not passive aggressive at all.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but it read to me as if there was an expectation that he should have gotten the hint and acted upon it. That is passive-aggressive.