I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)



To go with the Half-orc jokes:

it's like winning the gold at the Half-orc olympics... not matter what.. you're still a Half-orc

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ENnies winner and NOT Scrappy Doo
Just one last little BUMP.

And one last request to the authors of these jokes: I would LOVE to include these in Portable Hole Full of Beer 2.


First Post
Cleric: Darn! It's a dead end.
Acolyte: Can you resurrect it?

How many Cleric's does it take to fix a light bulb.
One to cast Cure Light

Why does the necromancer like to cook undead?
It's the other wight meat.

Fred Delles

First Post
Two dumb ones.

I was in the local troll butcher's shop the other day. Looking at a few choice selections, I asked him about a price discrepancy on various sentient brains. Apparently, human brains were 20 gp a pound, elf brains 15 gp per pound, and orc brains 300 gp per pound.

So, I told the troll butcher, "If human brains were 20 gp a pound and elf brains are 15 gp per pound then why are orc brains 300 gp per pound!?"

The troll laughs. "You know how many orcs I have to go through just to get a pound of brains!?"


Lidda, Mialee, and Alhandra were out adventuring toward the Temple of Elemental Evil. But night broke, so they set up camp with a tent and sleeping bags. After a good meal and some wine, the three went to sleep.

Later, Mialee and Alhandra were outside, gazing out at the stars. Alhandra asks Mialee, "Mialee, look in the sky and tell me what you see."

"It is a clear night sky with many stars," Mialee replies.

"And what do you deduce from that?" Alhandra asks.

Mialee contemplates. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Krynn is near Tiamat. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that Corellon is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Alhandra?"

Alhandra slaps her face in disgust.

"Mialee, you IDIOT! Lidda stole our tent!"
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A three-legged blink dog walks into a saloon. "I'm lookin fer the man who shot me pa."


It was a quiet day in Barrowdale when two wandering friars of Obad-Hai walk into town. After a few days, they set up their flower shop on Main Street. They grow the best, most beautiful flowers ever seen this side of the Prime Material, and sell them for next to nothing. Within days all of Barrowdale's wives are buying flowers from the friars, and Pete Wilson, the local florist, realizes that he will soon go out of business.

Pete goes to talk to the friars and pleads with them to leave town. He says his children will starve, his sixth generation flower shop will close, his wife will leave him, and his dog will run away for good if the friars run him out of business. The friars bless him, but say that this is their duty in this life, and can't leave town.

The next day Pete timidly walks into the local ale house to find Hugh McMillian: the meanest, rottenest, hooten-tootenist muscle-for-hire in the land. Pete talks with him for a short time and leaves 20 gold pieces poorer.

The next day the friars of Obad-Hai go to their flower shop and find everything smashed, destroyed, and urinated upon. McMillian is standing in the middle of the wreck, walks up, grabs each friar by his collar, lifts them into the air, and says "If you two ain't gone by mid-afternoon, you two will be fertilizing these flowers back to health!" With that, he throws them accross the room, and strides out of the shop. Needless to say, the two friars leave Barrowdale without a moment lost.

The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


First Post
These are more of groaners:

Why did the ghoul join the army?

He thought it was a smorgasborg.

What do you call the Ghost of mid-winter?

Christmas spirit.

How many dwarves does it take to change a lampwick?

43. One master lampwick maker, one Master lampwick placer, one Master lampwick lighter, and forty dwarfes to find the confounded thing in the dark.

-Angel Tears


First Post
For this one, you need a well-known prison in the area. I'll use Mount Blackthorn Prison.

"What's the biggest half-orc tribe in the land?"
"Mount Blackthorn Prison."


Did you hear about the elven mage who wanted to explore the Abyss?
- He disappeared with a poof.
(OK, that one's horrible. But a dwarf would love it. And if your dialect doesn't cover it, I'm NOT explaining it.)


How many tinker gnomes does it take to light a candle?
- Three. One to devise a method, one to devise a cure for the ensuing third-degree burns, and one to say, "Egads! My self-lighting candle is working! After twenty-seven years, I've done it!"


How many dragons does it take to light a candle?
- None. They don't light candles, they lie on them for nine hundred years.


How many adventurers does it take to light a candle?
- Four. One to haul out the tinder and flint, one to protest that magic would light it better, one to question whether a candle is even necessary in this dungeon, and one to say, "Um, I forgot to buy the candle, but I've got three dozen metal spikes, a lockpick, and a pole..."


Jozam and Tordek are defending a keep from a horde of goblins. Tordek fumbles his bow out, nocks an arrow (correctly the second time) and fires, but he doesn't hit anything.
"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.
"Don't use such profane language," cautions Jozam.
But Tordek nocks another arrow, and lets loose. Again, the arrow sails past anything that moves and thuds into a tree stump.
"Erythnul! I missed!" he grouches.
"I'm warning you, the Gods of Light will be angry if you continue in this vein," says Jozam.
But Tordek pulls another arrow from his battered quiver, pulls it back, and lets loose. The arrow bounces off a stone, rebounds from a goblin's shield, whistles back and neatly parts his hair; it's the worst shot either of them has ever seen.
"Erythnul! I missed!" curses the dwarf.
The skies open up! The terrible light of the sun is blotted out by a mighty hand, stretching forth, and a livid bolt of lightning smashes Jozam to atoms. And Pelor's voice is heard in the sky:
"Erythnul! I missed!"


What do dragons do when it's cold?
- Sit round a candle.
What do dragons do when it's really cold?
- Light the candle.
(This was originally misers.)


These are all for public distribution. I didn't make the originals up anyway.


First Post
[I don't know how well this translate]

In a small community a farmer stumbles into his old friend, the dam-watcher. The friend looks worried. The farmer ask what is the matter.

Friend: "Lately we have had some raids against the dam. We discovered some half-orcs was behind it. They kept vandalising the dam. It was only a matter of time before the dam would fail."

Farmer: "That's bad news."

Friend: "Yes. However. We thought we had found the solution. We borrowed some of the dukes guardian dogs and had them guard the place. Unfortunately it didn't have the desired effect. The half-orcs raided again this night and caused serious damage to the dam."

Farmer: "Oh no. Was there a burst?"

Friend: "Yes. But the vet is looking at it right now."

[Sorry Eric's grandmother]
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