I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

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First Post
Inter-racial Marriage Joke

Why should human men marry elven women. Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother.

William Ronald

Why do dragons like Drizzt Do Urdlen? Because Drizzt crackers would go so well with cheese.

What's worse than a barbarian who is a master of intimidation? One who just ate garlic.

Akin Ringpeace

First Post
oldies but goodies--Bard jokes

Q: How can you tell when the stage an undead orchestra is playing on is level?
A: The lute player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a ghoulish minstrel and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What is the difference between a ghoulish tenor and a flatulent warhorse?
A: The warhorse has a dynamic range.

Q: Why is the moutharp player a fiddle player's best friend?
A: Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the Elven songs?
A: By their names.


First Post
I recently wanted to get my player's Half-Orc PC involved in a bar fight, so I altered some old ethnic jokes for him to overhear coming from the table of dwarves...

How do you get a one-armed Half-Orc out of a tree?
Wave to him.


A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.

When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"

The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"

The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."


A gnomish bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?"
The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc."
The gnome pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly."


A Half-Orc is walking down the street, carrying a bag of holding. He runs into one of his friends who asks, "Hey, what do you have in that bag?" The Half-Orc tells his friend that he has some magic potions in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many potions you have in that bag, you'll have to give me one."

The Half-Orc says, "I'll tell you what. If you can tell me how many potions I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."


Been here a while...
Zombies just can't dance. They haven't got any soul.


<<possible adult content ahead>>

Two guys are sitting at an inn. They become good friends. One finally says, "Take a look at this." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny piano and a man about a foot tall. The little man sits down at the piano and begins to play requests.

The other man begs to know where he got the little man and the piano. Finally, the first man relents.

"Out in the back alley, there is an old genie. He's old, so he only gives you one wish."

"You mean you got one wish and this is what you asked for?!"

"Not at all. Like I said, he's an old genie. He doesn't hear so well. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

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