D&D General Humor Articles from Dragon Magazine


Frumious Flumph (Your Grace/Your Eminence)
So, I've been converting elements from the various humor articles in old Dragon magazines (a lot of them April Fools' material) into 5th edition. I had to start by making a list:

1975AutThe Strategic ReviewV1 #3Monster Reference Table Addition, Hostile & Benign CreaturesWesley D. Ives3Monsters: buydras, drolls, green granules, grifferees, hippygriffs, hobnoblins, umpyrs, weregamers
1976AprThe Strategic ReviewV2 #2Creature Features: The Denebian Slime DevilUnknown15Monster: Denebian slime devil
1976OctDragon3The New Category: Jesters!Charles Carner, William Cannon & Pete Simon28-30Class: Jester
1976DecDragon4Miscellaneous Treasure, Magic, Weapons, Artifacts and Monsters — Additions, Omissions, Corrections, Changes, Deletions, Variations and Otherwise Confusing AlterationsGary Jaquet21Monsters: creeping crud, dice lice; Magic Items: potion of C2H5OH, ring of wedding; Spells: amnesia, armageddon, detect bs, egomania, kill with kindness, magic missile (Mark I), magic missile (Mark II), magic missile (Mark III), spell of (expletive deleted); Weapons: bi-labial fricative, breath of death
1979AprDragon24NarcissticsJon Pitchford; Darrel Plant27Monsters: male narcisstics (jocks), female narcisstics (groupies)
1979AprDragon24The Infamous Miscellaneous MonsterRodford E. Smith27Monsters: the infamous miscellaneous monster
1980MarDragon35The Lighter SideAllen Hammack5, 38Magic Items: ring of three witches, cube of farce, carpet of frying, wand of lightening, robe of blending, rod of cancellation, brassiere of defense, manual of gollums, arrow of slaying, arrow of sleighing; Monster: minionions of Set
1980AprDragon36The Dragon #36½: New Monsters to Scare You SillyVarious26Monsters: the DM; Keebler elves
1980AprDragon36The Dragon #36½: Bazaar of the OrdinaryUnknown28Magic Items: shoes of walking; grounds of coffee; web of cob; caps of bottling
1980AprDragon36The Dragon #36½: This Month's ModuleUnknown28Adventure: one room dungeon
1980MayDragon37Leomund's Tiny Hut: Presenting... the Monties!Len Lakofka16The Monty Haul Pantheon: Monty Haul (Mr. Excessive), Gilda Quicksilver, Vard-Meta-Ali (The Walking Face), Globkuz (The Putrid Pile), Perrynoyia (The Ghastly Visage)
1981AprDragon48Dragon #48½: The Character that Really CountsDean Coldham15Class: Accountant
1981AprDragon48Dragon #48½: Saturday Morning MonstersVarious18-19Monsters: Bugs Bunny; Daffy Duck; Popeye; Rocky and Bullwinkle; Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties
1981OctDragon54OrcwardnessAtaniel Annyn Noel77Spells: p’un in-tendid, spontaneous superior joke, miasma nicotiniana, the dread Havana stench, power word: water, punch in the teeth, spell of reiteration, interruptus idioticus, distant honeymoon, pigskin worship, compulsory attendance of opera, miniature metal monster, illusion of total absolute universal wisdom, spell of anecdotage; Magic Items: pipe of reeking, junque fude, wand of celery, ring of engagement, ring of binding, the Lost Book
1982AprDragon60Gaming Magazine: The JesterRoger E. Moore45Class: Jester
1982AprDragon60Gaming Magazine: Diarmuid's Last JestArthur Collins48Class: Bardic special ability
1982AprDragon60Gaming Magazine: Midgets in the EarthRoger E. Moore50NPCs: Idi "Little Daddy" Snitmin (kobold fighter), Eubeen Hadd (halfling thief), Morc the Orc (orc idiot)
1982AprDragon60Gaming Magazine: Dragon's BestiaryVarious54Monsters: valley giant; Donald Duck; the Tasmanian devil; the Martian; baseball bugbears; werebeaver
1983AprDragon72Duh JockJon Mattson50Class: Jock (Fighter subclass)
1983AprDragon72Spells for EveryoneL. Creede Lambard; Jerry Stoddard51, 49Spells: monster summoning ½, Bigby's insulting hand, Wombat's tiny hut, feign death ½, comprehend languages ½, tongues ½, insect plague ½, summon thunderstorm ½, find the path ½, disappear ½, purify food ½, commune ½
1984AprDragon84The Twofold Talisman - Adventure One: The Heart of LightVarious43-53Adventure: tournament module with groan-inducing puns and jokes, part 1
1984MayDragon85The Twofold Talisman - Adventure Two: The Ebon StoneVarious43-52Adventure: tournament module with groan-inducing puns and jokes, part 2
1985AprDragon96There Can Never Be Too Many Dragons, Right?Various45, 53Monsters: "What's New?" dragon; quazar dragon
1985AprDragon96The Meanest of MonstersCraig Kraus46, 51Monsters: killer dungeon master; sleep-inducing dungeon master
1985AprDragon96It Takes All Kinds…Adda Littlemore52-53Article: races of the NEIGHBORHOOD OF FRED Fantastically Complete Game Setting™: Humans, Kobolds, Fairies, Goblins, Biters, and Boggies
1985MayPolyhedron23Ultimists: The nadir of new classesE. Gary Gygax6-7Class: Ultimists
1985MayPolyhedron23Why Gargoyles Don't Have Wings (But Should)David Collins7Essay
1985MayPolyhedron23The Lighter Side of EncountersSkip Williams8-11Humor Encounters from TSR Staffers' Campaigns
1985MayPolyhedron23Punnishments to fit the crimeFrank Mentzer11Groan-inducing puns
1985MayPolyhedron23DungeonsongsDavid Collins & Steve Schaeffer21Parody song lyrics
1985MayPolyhedron23Excerpts From the BooK oF Mischievous MagicFrank Mentzer22-23Magic items rejected from The Book of Marvellous Magic: awl of the above, awl inn, awl out, ball, foot, bottle of boos, can of spinach, canister of curses, censer of conduct, cheese of odors, cheese of vile odors, drum, bass, drum, snare, lute, cool hand, lute skywalker, pie of four-and-twenty blackbirds, pie of raspberries, pie of rhubarb, rattle of shaking and rolling, stocking of elf summoning, stocking of mystery, tarts of accusation, tarts of enticement, tarts of a summer's day, violin rack, yoke, practical
1985MayPolyhedron23Dispel Confusion[br /]24-25Humorous Answers to Game Questions
1985MayPolyhedron23"Zee Chef"Bruce Heard26-30Class: Chef; Spells: cocoademon, conjure hunger & thirst, cream tarts, create condiments, create wine, dancing bites, edible glamour, explosive prunes, fast foods, food fight, food trap, fools foods, fry, gourmet touch, locate food, magic jam, mashmorph, pepper cloud, preserve food & drink, read culinary magic, simulacrumb, spaghetti curse, spectral smell, spice, spiritual tenderizer, stuff, sudden craving, transmute stone to jelly beans
1985MayPolyhedron23The Male of the SpeciesFrank Mentzer30Monster: Emezons (male Amazons)
1986MayPolyhedron29The Lighter Side of Encounters IISkip Williams6-8Humor Encounters from TSR Staffers' Campaigns
1986MayPolyhedron29The Camel's NoseMichael D. Selinker9-24Adventure: Valley Elves accompany a talking camel to an oasis; Monsters: whirling dervish, werecamel
1986MayPolyhedron29The Ecology of Tiamat the DragonMichael D. Selinker25-Ecology: the chromatic dragon
1986MayPolyhedron29Fractured SpellsRick Reid26-27Spellbooks: My Prayer Book, My Outdoors Handbook, Silly Spells for Sappy Sorcerers; Spells: continual lice, control temper 10' radius, defect magic, detect chum, detect snores and fits, dissect evil, exercise, fold person, Leopold's tiny mutt, neutralize person, pass without taste, purify fools and drunks, shenanigan, soap trick, unkind familiar
1986MayPolyhedron29Gods of the Gamma World GameJames M. Ward28-29Gamma World Pantheon: Ren (Man of the Century), Grondor the Meek (A Radioactive Thing), Tubor the Unstoppable (Robot), Trask of the Green Silences (Intelligenc Plant), Whimper the Punished (Humanoid Mutant)
1986MayPolyhedron29The Savage Sword of Lugnut the BarbarianRoger E. Moore30Fiction
1986JulPolyhedron30Fletcher's CornerMichael Przytarski23Other half-race combinations
1987MarDungeon4Fluffy goes to HeckRick Reid28-40Adventure: the cute little dog Fluffy has been kidnapped; Magic Items: Heckronomicon, magical mirror; Spell: flesh to Rocky; Monsters: beatnik zombies, cow of ill omen, Darn (Duke of Heck), gummy worms, Jujubee (Demon of Heck), little devils, puppet of Heck, rabid gophers, soap dragon
1987AprDragon120Enraged Glaciers & Ghouls: Spells for Everyone: Part IIAlan Webster10Spells: air-water-fire walk ½, alarm ½, detect life ½, detect poison ½, dream ½, find traps ½, fly ½, haste ½, mind blank ½, move earth ½, neutralize poison ½, Smucker's transformation ½, speak with animals-plants-stone-monsters-dead ½, spell immunity ½, water breathing ½, wish ½
1987AprDragon120Enraged Glaciers & Ghouls: The Pun is Mightier Than the SwordSteven P. King12-13Class: Jester special ability
1987AprDragon120Enraged Glaciers & Ghouls: Dining Out in the HellsJonathan Edelstein16-17Monsters: Ronnell Maughdonnell, Count of the Hells; nonservus (lesser devil)
1987AprDragon120Enraged Glaciers & Ghouls: Not Found in Any Stores!James MacDougall18Magic Items: rod of lordly might-or-might-not; pipes of the brewers; manual of trendy and commercially-lucrative exercise; onyx ball; toothpicks of lightning; staff on strike-ing; gem of not-too-brightness; manual of plush golems
1987AprDragon120Enraged Glaciers & Ghouls: Urban Blight Made EasyRick Reid22Locations: Shippy's Bait and Tackle; Madame Zuza's Bread and Fortunes; Realm of Junk; Gristle's Butcher Shop; Bobo Watson's Chicken Emporium
1987JulPolyhedron36On the Road to The Living CityJean Rabe and Harold Johnson26-28NPC: Krinklespine (magic shop proprietor); Magic Items: +1 chaotic good short sword, crystal of warning, dragon teeth, eye of the eagle, flying carpet, gauntlet of ogre power, ring of two wishes, scroll of protection for lycanthropes, shoe of leaping and tumbling, unknown potions
1987AugDragon124New Front-End AlignmentsRich Stump44Alignments: chaotic crybaby (CC), chaotic diehard (CD), chaotic everywhere (CEv), chaotic hot-shot (CHS), chaotic stupid (CSt), chaotic suicidal (CSu), lawful bored (LB), lawful goody-goody (LGG), lawful idiot (LId), lawful ignored (LIg), lawful liar (LL), lawful serious (LS), neutral absent (NA), neutral confused (NC), neutral dietosser (ND), neutral montyhaul (NM), neutral puppet (NP), neutral self-centered (NSC), neutral woundwailer (NW)
1988AprDragon132Bazaar of the BizarreStewart Wieck6Magic item: chainsword +3
1988MayPolyhedron41Fun in Games: Spells and SocietiesRick Reid6, 30Factions: Secret Sisterhood of Spellcasters; Spells for Fighters: draw blood, protection From blows, sack of holding, think
1988JunDragon134Bazaar of the BizarreE. Paul Tobin42Jester Magic items: blowgun of wild emotions, exalted book of ethnic humor, extendable band of enjoyment, hula-hoop of the Roller Hoopers, larynx of deafening, magical paddleboards, paddleboard of wondrous transformation, random-target daggers, skates of the Roller Hoopers, tome of the fool, tome of the humorous perspective, yp-yo of fate
1989AprDragon144Still More Outrages From the MagesJohn M. Maxstadt32, 34, 37, 79Magic Item: cylindrical scroll; Spells: find terrain; explosive familiar; invisible runes; wizard’s stalker; Bigby's interposing eye; remove hand; audible curse; hallucinatory glamer; burning mouth; locate hands; detect object; feign invisibility; Drawmij's instant death; magic summons; speak with mud; charm dead; water plant; stone breathing; affect shape; detect normal fires; wall of evil; transmute rock to stone; wall of missiles; minor globe of iron; monster invulnerability; fools summoning III; protection from normal gold
1989MayPolyhedron45Fun in Games: Magic Items and Hermit CrabsRick Reid26Magic Items: ring of carrot protection (15' radius), ring of liquid cooling, ring of toothache control
1989JulPolyhedron46Fifty Phrases: Quotes Players Fear MostVince Garcia5Fearsome DM Quotes
1989JulPolyhedron46Junk BondsMike Selinker6-15Adventure: Top Secret/SI mission to Hollywood to the set of the latest movie about lvan Lemming's secret agent, John Stock
1989JulPolyhedron46The Living City: Skully's Bar and BaitHalina Adamski16-18Locale: Skully's Bar and Bait; NPCs: Skully (8th-level human fighter), Mab Hardbutter (6th-level human thief), Erny the Mop (2nd-level/2nd-level dwarf fighter/thief)
1989JulPolyhedron46The Living City: Embrol Sludge's Eatery and Shell ShoppeRandall W. Lemon19-22, 30Locale: Embrol Sludge's Eatery and Shell Shoppe; NPCs: Embrol Sludge (5th Level human fighter), Radea (0-level half-aquatic-elf), Buddy (1st-evel human fighter)
1989JulPolyhedron46The Bureaucrat: A New NPC for Your CitiesJefferson Hankla24-27Class: Bureaucrat; Spells: blacklist, create bureau, create major law, create minor law, create office, create red tape, detect lie, entangle with red tape, fill in the form, find the file, lose the file, make coffee, sharpen pencil, stamp the form, summon form
1990AprDragon156(Not Necessarily the) Monstrous CompendiumVarious10-12, 14-15, 18-20Monsters: blink wooly mammoth; death sheep; gello monster; killer spruce; man-drake; paper dragon; pigeontoad; pink dragon; tickler; tin golem; unicow; werelagomorph
1990AprDragon156Yet Even More (Gods Forbid) Outrages From the MagesJohn M. Maxstadt27Magic Items: ring of spell "turning"; ring of Hunan influence; staff of striking (Local 531); candle of convocation; rug of mothering; omelet of the planes; medallion of EST; net of sneering; graffiti bottle; censor of controlling air elementals; hammer +3, dwarf thrower; helm of brilliance, 40 Watt; liar of building; robe of blending (Waring 3-speed); robe of useless items
1991AprDragon168Merty's Manual of Magical MerchandiseRobin C. Ashmore; Michele Batter15-16Magic Items: Merty's marvelous marbles; Merty's mystic mustard; Merty's magnificent mattress; Merty's multiplanar mushrooms; Merty's mysterious mug; Merty's masterful mufflers; Merty's munificent matches; Merty's mmm-mmm! muskmelons; Merty's miraculous mistmaker; Merty's mud masque; Merty's masculine macho-musk; Merty's musical menagerie; Merty's magical markers
1991AprDragon168Bazaar of the BizarreWilliam Wilson Goodson, Jr.18Magic items: mirror of sophistication; ring of ice; elixir of additional weaponry; elixir of reduction; scroll of transmutation; orb of distant viewing
1993AprDragon192Weapons of Mass Destruction: On Sale Now!Matthew Webber23-26, 27Spelljammer Weapons: Neg's wondrous power flail; Nimf's phlogiston fire-bombs; Dalla's mechanical lightning arc; Dori's buzz-bomb; Krith's crossbow blizzard
1994AprDragon204Arcane LoreMatt Posner22, 24Spellbook: The Crazed Book of Mog; Spells: gain weight; wake-up call; Macho's uncontrollable hideous belching; Pelf's rancid arrow; hold portal open; hallucinatory murrain; wall of paper; teleport without awareness; power word kill rodents
1995AprDragon216Bazaar of the BizarreSteven Miller10-14Spellbooks: Bringing Out the Wizard in You: A Twelve Step Program; Social Advancement Through the Selective Use of Charm and Disintegrate Spells; The Adventurer's Companion: A Do-It-Yourself Indestructible Spell Book; Magic Items: invisible ring; ring of destruction; ring of the eagle; ring of fashion; ring of ideas; ring of circular curses; ring of gender confusion; ring of impact; ring of kindness; ring of languages
1995AprDragon216April Fool's FaxionsTim Beach22-24, 26, 28Planescape Factions: The Beautification League; The Free Flora Collective; The Herbivorous Assembly; The Wizards of the Black Teddy; The Apathetic Alliance
1996AprDragon228The Dragon's Worstiary: GolemsAnne Brown38-41Monsters: chocolate golem; chia golem; plush golem
1996AprDragon228Rogue's Gallery: Gangsters of the UnderdarkKeith “Pinball” Strohm52-59NPCs: Gnormahlenvaey “Squeaky” Catoneriehn (7th-level gnome thief), Vikhrumn “100 Gold” Coll (beholder), Brikhalna “Dutch” Ipprszhen (illithid businessman), Felyndiira “Mad Money” Shi'narrvha (12th-level mage/drow matriarch), Gray'shivnarien “The Fiddler” Taliain (11 th-level drow bard), Sir Elliot of Kness (14th-level paladin)
1997AugDragon238Mommy DearestLawrence R. Wenzel8-14NPC Class: Mother; NPC Prestige Class: Fairy Godmother; Spells: borrow magic, change diaper, detect worth, power word: middle name
1997AugDragon238Gangsters of the Underdark: Waterdeep's Most Wanted!Keith Francis Strohm34-40NPCs: Da Pen (Underdark Godfather), “Tommy Gun” Tortello (exclaustrated 7th-level Monk), Master Furli (4th-level squire (fighter)), Vanyard “The Fox” (9th-level thief [investigator[), Danna the Skull (9th-level necromancer [anatomist])
2000AprDragon270Arcane Lore - Greyhawk GrimoiresRobert S. Mullin60-62Spellbook: Zagig's Comedicon; Spells: Zagig's canned laughter; Zagig's amusing alteration; Zagig's gender shift
2000AprDragon270Giants in the Earth: Nodwick & CompanyAaron Williams86-90NPCs: Artax (7th-level human wizard), Yeagar (8th-level human fighter), Piffany (8th-level human cleric), Nodwick (21st-level henchman)
2001AprDragon282Heroes of the Underdork: The MuskratPhil Masters54-55Race: Muskrat
2001AprDragon282Snack MonstersMike Mayer56-59Monsters: pizza slice; gummi bear; lurking dorito; jolly rancher; pepsoid
2002AprDragon294Adding Insult to InjuryRobin D. Laws58-62Reputation and Repartee system; Feats: bully; cunning wit; diplomat; enhanced reputation; face in the crowd; rapier wit; scathing wit; shatter confidence; sly; sterling reputation; thorny reputation
2002AprDragon294Bazaar of the Truly Bizarre: Rummage SaleEd Stark80-82Equipment: flaming shield; ready-drink helm; extension spear; stilt boots; extender; gnome backpack; false hook
2002AprDragon294Gamers Vs. Girlfriends: No honey… I'm At the StoreCory Herndon84-85Monster: significant other
2002AprDragon294Play With Your FeatsMat Smith86Feats: dodge food run; evade chipping in; snatch last soda; lightning dibs; repeat die roll; avoid random damage; seat jockey; avoid bookkeeping; adjust miniature
2005AprDragon330Gaining Prestige - The JesterRichard Pett74-77Prestige Class: Jester
2005AprDragon330Class Acts: Commoner - Flaws for CommonersTed Ragonstaff87Flaws: chicken infested; corpse; delicious; dirt farmer; incomprehensible accent; nagging cough; peasant hat; pig bond; unimportant NPC; weresheep; XP farm
2006AprDragon342The Ecology of the AdventurerTony Moseley60-65NPC: Morgan Ironwolf (human); Feats (for kobolds): bad decision; dying shriek; elf; volunteer
2009AprDragon374Preview: The WitchalokJerry Holkins1-3Class: Witchalok (Warlock subclass)
2009AprDragon1652-1/2: Fool's GroveLogan Bonner; Chris Sims1-10Adventure
2012AprDragon410Bazaar of the Bizarre: Thingamajigs of the Barrier PeaksDave Chalker16-22Magic Items: powered armor; blaster rifle; chainsaw sword; laser pistol; needler pistol; confusion ray; blue communicator; jet pack; gray security card; wheely sled; singularity grenade; sleep grenade; Malfunction Rules
2013AprDragon422Winning Races: Tinker GnomesDaniel Helmick9-13Race: Tinker Gnome

I don't intend to do the whole list (Good Lord!) but a lot of them have hidden gaming potential, in my opinion, and it would be a shame for them to be consigned to the dustbin of the past.

Anyway, I've been converting them, and thought this thread might be a good place to link the stuff I've completed. Please feel free to comment suggestions, criticisms, or (if you like) encouragement.
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Frumious Flumph (Your Grace/Your Eminence)
The most recent I've done is the pink dragon, from the article "(Not Necessarily) The Monstrous Compendium" in issue #132. I thought it would a cool to combine the one made by Jeanne MacGuire for the article, with a different pink dragon included by Rick Reid in his scenario "The Caves of Confection" in Polyhedron #51. They're both silly dragons, with breath weapons meant to entertain, with very little actual lore -- how hard could it be?

As it turns out, it's really tricky to fully stat out a new dragon type. I have a lot of newfound respect for people who do it a lot, like Tony Caspar and his Cosmic Dragon Breviary. Anyway, it was the pink dragon I was working on last year when I ran out of steam temporarily and the blog went on hiatus for a year. Posting the list to this thread and making it more publicly visible should hopefully keep me working on them at a more reliable rate. I've still got a few I want to do.


Frumious Flumph (Your Grace/Your Eminence)
I'm currently noodling about with the Quazar (sic) Dragon from #96. This is a dragon which can consume an entire planet, and is basically immune to all damage, with infinite hit points and armor class.


I think there's a lot of potential in a Cosmic Dragon (link to official free version) which exists to consume over-concentrations of magical energy. It can still do (some of) the job the original article had in mind (removing a preponderance of magic items from player characters in a Monty Hall campaign) but still have actual narrative and in-game reasons for existing. Plus, I am amused at the idea of a True Dragon which reaches Gargantuan size by Adulthood.


Frumious Flumph (Your Grace/Your Eminence)
SnarfQuest. For years I've been wishing for a compendium paperback of the full SnarfQuest.

Wait...it doesn't exist, does it?

EDIT: Yes, it does, but very expensive on the 2nd hand market. Damn, wish I had been paying attention when it was published.
I remember that one fondly, although I worry it will be another of those things I go back to reread and find don't work as well thirty or forty years later...

EDIT: Now I'm tempted to pick up the SnarfQuest d20 Worldbook and convert the characters to 5E...


the Incomparably Shrewd and Clever
I don't intend to do the whole list (Good Lord!) but a lot of them have hidden gaming potential, in my opinion, and it would be a shame for them to be consigned to the dustbin of the past.
Dustbin of the Past
Wondrous item, very rare (requires attunement)
When an object is scooped into the dustbin of the past, the item is destroyed and wiped from common memory. Only the user of the dustbin and those they designate can recall the item ever existed. Note the dustbin of the past cannot affect artifacts, and other magical items can attempt a DC 18 saving throw to avoid destruction. At the DM's discretion, some individuals may retain knowledge of the object if the object was particularly meaningful to them.


Frumious Flumph (Your Grace/Your Eminence)
Dustbin of the Past
Love it!

One of the things about converting the humor items: I'm trying to give them actual in-game use. A lot of the joke items were originally written as one-time jokes with little utility. But a few writers were skilled in coming up with items that had utility, but also a reasonable (and humorous) drawback. Like, the robe of useless items. On the face of it, it's pretty useless. But on the other hand, some players will find edge cases and unusual circumstances where something like this spells the difference between success and failure. Hopefully, most of the things I post are like that -- dumb, but occasionally useful.

Mercedes Lackey said:
If it is stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
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Moderator Emeritus
SnarfQuest. For years I've been wishing for a compendium paperback of the full SnarfQuest.

Wait...it doesn't exist, does it?

EDIT: Yes, it does, but very expensive on the 2nd hand market. Damn, wish I had been paying attention when it was published.

I got my copy at GEN CON 2002 from the man himself (and signed!).


Moderator Emeritus
Oops! I hit enter before I was finished. I am slowly re-reading both SnarfQuest and Wormy piecemeal as I go back through every issue in my (incomplete) Dragon collection and write about them, including occasional look at those comics (and being pretty critical of them while being really impressed by Elmore's actual cartooning, something that - given his amazing paintings - hardly gets enough attention).

Anyway, I haven't gotten to a "joke" issue yet, but I will soon (and am dreading it).


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