Desdichado
Hero
We had a running joke with the druid in my last campaign and her special ability Resist Nature's Call. I'm not quite sure how to translate it, though...Piratecat said:
-
NOW LIVE! Into the Woods--new character species, eerie monsters, and haunting villains to populate the woodlands of your D&D games.
I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)
- Thread starter Piratecat
- Start date
DungeonKeeperUK
First Post
I apologise before I even start... 
Q : What did the Orc say when he lost his Axe?
A : Where's my Axe?
______________
Q : Whats Black, White and Red and has trouble turning in 5' corridors?
A : Drizzt with a spear through his head...
______________
Q : Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half an Orc
______________
Q: Where do you find an Orc with no arms or legs?
A: Right where you left him.
______________
A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
______________
A half-orc is in a Merchants Store and buying a some bottles of beer, some iron rations for one, some fasionable underwear, and some Mold Spice (The scent of the moment). The woman at the counter says to him, "So you're single?" The half-orc startled, replies "I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?" She responds, "No, I could tell that because you're damn ugly."
______________
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful amazon warrior, and tells her "I bet you 5gp I can touch your breast without touching your Chainmail Bikini." Intrigued, she accepts. He grabs her breast, says "I lose" and gives her 5gp.
______________
Q: What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
A: Getting attacked by a half-fiend ancient undead red dragon 20th level rogue with a medusa template over it
______________
Q: Why did the Deep Wood Sniper fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.
______________
A Baatezu took his pet Hell Hound, Cuddles, to the vet's. The vet picked him up, looked under him, looked at his teeth, looked at his stomach, looked down his mouth.
"I'm going to have to put this dog down"
"Oh no! Is it that serious?" says the Baatezu
"No, he's just very heavy".
Q : What did the Orc say when he lost his Axe?
A : Where's my Axe?
______________
Q : Whats Black, White and Red and has trouble turning in 5' corridors?
A : Drizzt with a spear through his head...
______________
Q : Whats got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half an Orc
______________
Q: Where do you find an Orc with no arms or legs?
A: Right where you left him.
______________
A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
______________
A half-orc is in a Merchants Store and buying a some bottles of beer, some iron rations for one, some fasionable underwear, and some Mold Spice (The scent of the moment). The woman at the counter says to him, "So you're single?" The half-orc startled, replies "I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?" She responds, "No, I could tell that because you're damn ugly."
______________
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful amazon warrior, and tells her "I bet you 5gp I can touch your breast without touching your Chainmail Bikini." Intrigued, she accepts. He grabs her breast, says "I lose" and gives her 5gp.
______________
Q: What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
A: Getting attacked by a half-fiend ancient undead red dragon 20th level rogue with a medusa template over it
______________
Q: Why did the Deep Wood Sniper fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.
______________
A Baatezu took his pet Hell Hound, Cuddles, to the vet's. The vet picked him up, looked under him, looked at his teeth, looked at his stomach, looked down his mouth.
"I'm going to have to put this dog down"
"Oh no! Is it that serious?" says the Baatezu
"No, he's just very heavy".
HellHound
ENnies winner and NOT Scrappy Doo
A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
Of all the ones so far, this is the only one I cracked up REPEATEDLY trying to tell to my wife. Damn near urinated myself.
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
Of all the ones so far, this is the only one I cracked up REPEATEDLY trying to tell to my wife. Damn near urinated myself.
From another board... because the hurting must continue here.
A: "So a halfling walks into a bar..."
B: Musta been a low bar. Badum-PSH!
A: What's the difference between stomping on a gnome and stomping on grapes?
B: You take off your boots before you stomp on the grapes.
or
B: You don't always get a good result from stomping on the grapes.
A: What's the difference between a dead badger who's been run over by a wagon and a dead druid who's been run over by a wagon?
B: A skilled ranger might spot skid marks in front of the badger.
A: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
B: Ask three of them to play the same note.
A: Why did the half-orc have sex with the flind druid?
B: His chieftain told him to go climb on the grassy knoll.
- - - - -
A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!"
The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits."
-Tacky
A: "So a halfling walks into a bar..."
B: Musta been a low bar. Badum-PSH!
A: What's the difference between stomping on a gnome and stomping on grapes?
B: You take off your boots before you stomp on the grapes.
or
B: You don't always get a good result from stomping on the grapes.
A: What's the difference between a dead badger who's been run over by a wagon and a dead druid who's been run over by a wagon?
B: A skilled ranger might spot skid marks in front of the badger.
A: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
B: Ask three of them to play the same note.
A: Why did the half-orc have sex with the flind druid?
B: His chieftain told him to go climb on the grassy knoll.
- - - - -
A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!"
The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits."
-Tacky
barsoomcore
Unattainable Ideal
Thanks to Steven Brust
How many half-orcs does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to hold the sword and two to move the grindstone.
*********************
How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.
*********************
How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they'll remember whose sword it was.
*********************
How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue.
How many half-orcs does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to hold the sword and two to move the grindstone.
*********************
How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.
*********************
How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they'll remember whose sword it was.
*********************
How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue.
DungeonKeeperUK
First Post
Someone stop me... please....
The poor gamer wrote the word "initiative" on the window of his room with opaque ink. I would never be able to see the world through his i's.
Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.
What do you get when you cross a Hell Hound with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.
The Diplomacy SKILL is the art of saying 'I understand your issues Orc Barbarian!' ... 'till you can find a big stick.
What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large
Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"
Does dragon milk come from cows with very short legs?
A Roper shuffles into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Does Studded Leather come from Biker Cows?
Hear about the Mystic Warrior from Mystic Eye Games , he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough,he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn't fasting and both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath also he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years?
So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
The survival rate in a fight with a Tanar'ri is abyssmal
A Sneak Attack is a Jab Well Done....
When the Orcs ate a Paladin they got a taste of religion
Seven days with no gameing... makes one weak....
The attack with the Frost Brand sword was successful, his foe was knocked out cold...
Levitation makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
To learn the Rope Trick spell you have to be taut.
The poor gamer wrote the word "initiative" on the window of his room with opaque ink. I would never be able to see the world through his i's.
Due to the many hickeys the wizard had given in his life, he had gained a reputation for being a necromancer.
What do you get when you cross a Hell Hound with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after he bites your leg off.
The Diplomacy SKILL is the art of saying 'I understand your issues Orc Barbarian!' ... 'till you can find a big stick.
What do you call a halfling fortune-teller who escaped from prison? ... A small medium at large
Two Orcs were eating a Court Jester. Said one to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"
Does dragon milk come from cows with very short legs?
A Roper shuffles into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
Does Studded Leather come from Biker Cows?
Hear about the Mystic Warrior from Mystic Eye Games , he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough,he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn't fasting and both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath also he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years?
So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
The survival rate in a fight with a Tanar'ri is abyssmal
A Sneak Attack is a Jab Well Done....
When the Orcs ate a Paladin they got a taste of religion
Seven days with no gameing... makes one weak....
The attack with the Frost Brand sword was successful, his foe was knocked out cold...
Levitation makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
To learn the Rope Trick spell you have to be taut.
incognito
First Post
Some amusing ones:
An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: "We don't serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!"
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I'm a frayed knot...
>>>
A handsome Sorcerer walks into a small town bar with his familiar, an aligator. He flops the aligator onto the bar and declares that he has a challenge for the towns bravest souls! The rogues and fighers begin to twich nervously in thier chairs.
He says: If anyone in this bar has the fortiture to do this, I will give him my bag of holding with all the treasure contained therein.
With that he smacks the aligator on the head with the butt of his shortspear sharply and the aligators mouth opens wide. To the suprise of the audience, he then drops his adventuring trousers, and places his delicates INSIDE the aligators mouth! He cracks the aligators head with the spear again and the jaws close slowly...and after a very pregnant pause, he gives his poor familiar another whack with the shortspear and takes his equipment out of the aligators mouth, pausing momentarily to display his unharmed package!
He stares around the room imperiously, looking for takers. Yet down to the burliest barbarian, the barroom falls silent. "What?! No one here brave enough?" inquires the the cajoling sorcerer...
Just then, a slight elven maiden in the back of the bar tentatively rises. "I might be willing to try, Master...but could you not hit me on the head so hard with the shortspear?"
An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: "We don't serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!"
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I'm a frayed knot...
>>>
A handsome Sorcerer walks into a small town bar with his familiar, an aligator. He flops the aligator onto the bar and declares that he has a challenge for the towns bravest souls! The rogues and fighers begin to twich nervously in thier chairs.
He says: If anyone in this bar has the fortiture to do this, I will give him my bag of holding with all the treasure contained therein.
With that he smacks the aligator on the head with the butt of his shortspear sharply and the aligators mouth opens wide. To the suprise of the audience, he then drops his adventuring trousers, and places his delicates INSIDE the aligators mouth! He cracks the aligators head with the spear again and the jaws close slowly...and after a very pregnant pause, he gives his poor familiar another whack with the shortspear and takes his equipment out of the aligators mouth, pausing momentarily to display his unharmed package!
He stares around the room imperiously, looking for takers. Yet down to the burliest barbarian, the barroom falls silent. "What?! No one here brave enough?" inquires the the cajoling sorcerer...
Just then, a slight elven maiden in the back of the bar tentatively rises. "I might be willing to try, Master...but could you not hit me on the head so hard with the shortspear?"
guedo79
Explorer
One morning, an Elven ranger finds he has a Kobold stuck in one of his trees. So he calls the Kobold removal service he heard about in town. A Teifling shows up with a flumph, a ten-foot pole, and a crossbow.
He tells the Elf, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke at the kobold till he falls out. Then the flumph will naw on his sensitive parts."
The Elf says, "what's the Crossbow for?"
The Plane touched man replies, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the Flumph."
He tells the Elf, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke at the kobold till he falls out. Then the flumph will naw on his sensitive parts."
The Elf says, "what's the Crossbow for?"
The Plane touched man replies, "If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the Flumph."
incognito
First Post
A few more shorties:
Q: Whats better than winning Oerth's 1/2 Orc Olympics?
A: Not having a 6 INT
Politically Correct:
A humanoid belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another humanoid belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first humanoid acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first humanoid took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
OK, final Bar joke:
A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: "Do you serve skeletons here?"
Times beign what they are the wily Bartender replies: "sure, we serve anyone."
The skeleton hadns the man a silver and says: "Fine, I'll have a pitcher of beer...and a mop"
Duh da, DA!
Q: Whats better than winning Oerth's 1/2 Orc Olympics?
A: Not having a 6 INT
Politically Correct:
A humanoid belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another humanoid belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first humanoid acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first humanoid took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
OK, final Bar joke:
A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: "Do you serve skeletons here?"
Times beign what they are the wily Bartender replies: "sure, we serve anyone."
The skeleton hadns the man a silver and says: "Fine, I'll have a pitcher of beer...and a mop"
Duh da, DA!
Similar Threads
