I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

[DM with a vengence]

"A group of heroes is drinking in a tavern when a man in a black hooded robes comes up to them and offers a dangerous quest..."

"What's the difference between a cowardly, sniveling goblin and a heroic elf using deadly hit and run tactics? About 3 feet."

"What's the differences between a madman who lives in caves covered in bat poop and a mighty wizard. A small amount of sulphur."

 

[drnuncheon]

A friend of mine played a drow cavalier, and one of his favorite pastimes was making "dead elf" jokes, which were retellings of the "dead baby" jokes that were popular at the time. Let me see if I can remember any of them.

What's the best way to unload a cart full of dead elves?
With a pitchfork!

How do you tell if any of them are still alive?
(mime sticking a pitchfork and tossing something over your shoulder) Dead elf.
(repeat) Dead elf.
(repeat, but this time shake the pitchfork) Live elf!

You can of course get similar results by substituting a D&D race for blondes in one of the interminable lists of blonde jokes...


Phil Foglio had a piece on jesters in What's New that you might be able to raid - but your players will probably spot it if they're familiar with the comic. Still:

"You know, zombies can track you down like a bloodhound, even though they have no nose!"
(wait for: no nose? how do they smell?)
"Awful!"

There's a few others in there, I could pull it out if you need 'em.


If you wanted a running gag, he could have a joke that he is never able to finish because he is always interrupted. Something like: "So a half-orc, a paladin, and a dire boar walk into a gazebo..."

Another running gag could be to use the dwarf (assuming multiple appearances) as a sort of Pratchettian 'history of comedy'. Each time he appears he's in the style of a different comedian as he 'tries out' some new things. That might be too anachronistic for you though.

J

 

[Shadowdancer]

(said to a short woman) "My dear, you certainly are short. Do you have any dwarf in you? No? Would you like some dwarf in you?"
___________

A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are.

A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're stupid."

The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc.

The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the little smart-ass sitting in your lap."

 

[DWARF]

A Human, a Dwarf, an Orc and an Elf each reached the mouth to the cave of an ancient red dragon. This dragon had been ravaging the country-side of each race's kingdom and they were each sent to slay it.

The Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Orc brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack, jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this for my kingdom!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------
An ugly man walks into the cleric's office and says: "Father I hurt all over."

And the doctor says, "That's impossible .

"No really!" he said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch!
It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", he replies.

The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?"

The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how do you know?"

The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken."

 

[Eraslin]

A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.

The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."

The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"

<wipes tears from eyes>
I like this one!

-Eraslin

 

[Mouseferatu]

Q: Why can't a fallen paladin walk straight?

A: He's out of alignment.

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Q: What's the brown stuff between dragons' toes?

A: Slow halflings.

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Q: What do Gruumsh, Odin, and Vecna have in common?

A: They're all gods!!

(If you don't get this one, ask, and I'll explain. But I think most of you should.)

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Q: Why do liches and vampires tend to speak in riddles?

A: They're CRYPTic.

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More later, if nobody stops me.

 

[William Ronald]

Here's one; (Change the names to fit your campaign setting.)

"A ship crashes against a shore. One half of the shore is controlled by Furyondy, and the other half is controlled by Iuz. Where does Iuz bury the survivors?"

Wait for "Silly, you don't bury survivors."

"You don't know Iuz well, do you?"

Here's another one:

"Did you hear that the Library in Mulmaster burned down and all the books were destroyed.?"

"No!"

"A great pity. The mayor was just learning to color inside the lines?"


"What is the difference between an outdoor insane asylum and Ravens Bluff? The inmates aren't running the asylum."

Four clerics are having a discussion on how much of tithes goes to their temples and how much for their personal support.

A cleric of Tyr says, "My faith has strict guidelines. Only after all temple expenses are meet, can I draw a stipend for myself."

A cleric of Mystra says, "I use my best judgement, based on the current situation. Fortunately, I can create food and water for myself."

A cleric of Tymora says "I stand inside a small and toss all our coins high into the air. Any that stay inside the circle, I keep."

A cleric of Waukeen says, "I do much the same thing. Now when I throw the coins in the air, Waukeen keeps any that stay in the air...."

"Now suppose you were an absent minded wizard who did nothing all day. And then suppose you were Elminster. Ah, but I repeat myself."

"Are there any fighters in the room smarter than their swords."

"I am not saying its a bad neighborhood, but Lolth doesn't even go there."

A dragon's favorite recipe list.

Barbequed barbarian.
Fricaseed fighter
Sauteed sorceror
Roasted rogue
Marinated Mage
Cream of Cleric
Dash of Druid
Poached Paladin
Raw Ranger.

Roast SLOWLY....

 

[tsadkiel]

An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.

And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places - he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.

This won't do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don't come back.

Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he'd given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn't need to worry - the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately,a nd are enjoying eternal bliss.

Because it turns out, shoes have souls.

 

[Ulrick]

A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.

Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn't attend the last session because of a family event. The DM's policy is to let another player run the absentee's character. Travis, doesn't know who nor does he care. His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.

Travis: "So what happened last time? Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?

Steve: "No, actually your character died."

Travis: "WHAT?"

Nods of affirmation come from the other players.

Steve: "Yeah. Sorry, but your character had an alignment change. He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil. He tried to kill and steal from the group. My paladin had to kill him.

Travis: "No way."

Steve: "Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level."

Travis: "Wait, who ran my character?"

Steve: "I did."


Ulrick

 

[William Ronald]

"Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the power to churn undead."

"I'm not saying his breath is bad, but even Tiamat doesn't want him to breath on her."

"I once knew a rogue who was so greedy that he picked his own pockets."

"I can tell jokes about any subject, except the King. Of course, the King is not a subject."


"He's the only person I know with a permanent stinking cloud."


"Do you know what this is? (Character places hands on top of someone's head and wiggles fingers.) It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger."