I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

[guedo79]

one more

A Halfling, a Gnome and a Dwarf walk into a bar. They each order a ale. Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, three flies drop into them. The Halfling pushes the drink away in disgust. The gnome pulled out the fly and finishs as if nothing happened. The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

 

[rinesin]

A FR one:

A Waterdavian man visits his friend in Cormyr. While he's there he tells his friend:
"I've always had a fantasy. I've always wanted to be with a Cormyrian woman."
His Cormyrian friend decides he going to have some fun at the expence of his friend and tells him:
"Hey, go out to the forest, we have plenty of woman out there, just waiting for a man like you."
The gullible Waterdavian goes for it and soon finds a lovely young lady in the forest. He comes back overjoyed:
"She was there just like you said! It was great! Wow! Cormyr! You have women just lying there in the woods! Why didn't I come here sooner?!"
Now the Cormyrian is very confused by this, and decides he has to see this for himself. So he tells his friend:
"Hey, if it was that great, why don't you do it again before you leave?"
The man from Waterdeep happily agrees and sets out. The Cormyrian follows. Soon he sees his friend with the woman in the forest, having a great time. He suddenly runs out from the tree he was hiding behind and yells at the Waterdavian:
"What are you doing?!?!"
"What?"
"She's dead!"
The Waterdavian man looks down at the woman, looks back up to his friend with a puzzled look on his face.

"Oh, I thought she was Sembian."

Rinesin

 

[Heretic Apostate]

Re: Thanks to Steven Brust

How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.

*********************

How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?

Three: one to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue.

These two are stolen straight from the Vladimir Taltos series. Brust, I think the author's name is.

Only in the Taltos series, it's FOUR to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.

The first refers to Dzurlords. Dzurlords fight for glory. (And the most touching part of the Four Musketeers-type novels was the part when Tazendra is talking with Sethra Lavode, and Sethra shows she understands Dzurlords, and why they fight.)

The second refers to Yendi, who are so convoluted it takes another Yendi to unravel a Yendi plot. No-one else could do it.

 

[barsoomcore]

Re: Re: Thanks to Steven Brust

These two are stolen straight from the Vladimir Taltos series. Brust, I think the author's name is.

Er, yes. That's why my message is titled "With thanks to Steven Brust."

The third-greatest writer of fantasy in history. After JRR Tolkien and Steven Erikson, of course.

 

[Heretic Apostate]

A cockatrice (will the filter block that out? if so, then "chicken") and an egg were lying in bed. From the state of the bedding, it's obvious what they were up to.

The egg somehow--don't ask me, I don't know how--has a very peeved look on its shell.

The egg mutters, "I guess that answers that age-old question."

 

[DungeonKeeperUK]

says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"

Of all the ones so far, this is the only one I cracked up REPEATEDLY trying to tell to my wife. Damn near urinated myself.

Hehehe, does it get in the next Portable Hole Full Of Beer ?

 

[Heretic Apostate]

Sorry, didn't see that.

There are LOTS of amusing quotes from Brust, from the chapter headings.

I just wish I could remember all of them.

Stuff like, "True heroism should be carefully planned---and strenuously avoided."

 

[barsoomcore]

Sorry, didn't see that.

There are LOTS of amusing quotes from Brust, from the chapter headings.

"No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife between the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style."

"Always speak politely to an enraged Dragon."

Brust is a clever, clever man. Far too clever for this thread. Heh.

EDIT: fixed an incorrect quote.

 

[Sir Hawkeye]

Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace?
A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces.

Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk?
A: Fast food.

Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters?
A: Magic swords.

A wizard gets involved in a spell duel. He avoids all but one of his opponent's spells, a magic missile that hits him in the foot. Over the next few days, his foot just won't heal. It becomes swollen and sore. Finally, unable to bear the pain, he goes to the temple to get some healing. The cleric is about to heal him, when a passing druid shouts, "Wait! Don't cure that wizard!"
"Why?" ask the puzzled cleric and wizard.
The druid replies, "I'm all out of magic missle-toe."

 

[Knightfall]

Re: one more

A Halfling, a Gnome and a Dwarf walk into a bar. They each order a ale. Just as they are about to enjoy their drinks, three flies drop into them. The Halfling pushes the drink away in disgust. The gnome pulled out the fly and finishs as if nothing happened. The Dwarf picks up the fly and shakes it over the drink, yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Buzzz....

KEGGER, KEGGER!! Buzzz...

Would you be Canadian?