• The VOIDRUNNER'S CODEX is LIVE! Explore new worlds, fight oppressive empires, fend off fearsome aliens, and wield deadly psionics with this comprehensive boxed set expansion for 5E and A5E!

D&D General If Dark Sun Was Pitched Now (Satire)

SpaceOtter

Drifting in otter space
Just for fun...

Executive: Welcome to Beach Sorcerers, Bob. I hear you have an intriguing pitch for a new setting you’d like us to publish? What can you tell me?
Bob: Well, it’s very different from your existing offerings. It’s a grim world I call, “Dark Sun.”
Executive: Oh, so the sun is dark? Like it’s a big balloon of blackness or something?
Bob: Noooo… but like it has dimmed and is dying.
Executive: Okay, so give me a mental picture, a flavor of the setting.
Bob: Imagine these buff, hairless, sweaty, barely clad adventurers in loincloths wielding strange weapons! And they’re standing on sand dunes!
Executive: Like Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras? Inclusivity is good! The sand might chafe though. Go on.
Bob: Um… That’s not what I envisioned…
Executive: It’s okay, Bob, you’re safe here; this is an inclusive work environment. So what is the setting like? Plenty of heroes fighting the good fight, magic, moustache twirling villains?
Bob: Totally! I mean, you’ve got these big sorcerer-kings who rule city states and have become so powerful they’ve transformed into dragons! And they’ve basically destroyed the world’s environment by using magic that drains life away from all the plants! And there are no gods! Just elemental forces! And everyone has psionics and can explode people’s brains just by staring at them hard enough!
Executive: That sounds pretty cool, Bob. Can the PCs save the world from the ecological destruction?
Bob: Probably not… But they can fight to free the slaves!
Executive: Slaves?
Bob: Oh yeah, there are slaves everywhere! Big slave armies! We even include prices for slaves and…
Executive: Bob…
Bob: And some of the slaves are folks we call muls.
Executive: Mules? So they’re horse people? Like centaurs but smaller?
Bob: Er, no, they’re sterile half-dwarves who’re bald and bred for labor!
Executive: “Bred for labor”?
Bob: Yep.
Executive: Bob, I’ve got to say, horse people is more palatable, like centaurs, but maybe reversed, so like a horse head and torso on human legs. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear “Bred for labor.”
Bob: Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.
Executive: You do that, Bob, you do that.
Bob: But that’s not all! We’ve got halflings and insect people!
Executive: Halflings are cute and insect people are kind of interesting.
Bob: And the halflings are cannibals! Oh, and the insect people want to eat everyone else too!
Executive: Bob, I’m sensing a theme here…
Bob: We’ve still got elves!
Executive: Ah, something relatable at last! Do they eat people, Bob?
Bob: No.
Executive: Bob, do they have anything to do with horses or donkeys?
Bob: Nope.
Executive: That’s a relief, Bob, because I was beginning to wonder...
Bob: They’re soooo cool! They’re like these people who wander, and don’t like to work, and thieve and swindle everyone! Like in that Cher song! "Gypsies, tramps, and thieves!" Wooo! Mardi Gras!
Executive: ...
Bob: Why are you… staring at me funny?
Executive: Psionics, Bob, psionics…
 

log in or register to remove this ad


Mad_Jack

Legend
I'm fairly certain that the lack of decent psionics rules in 5E is the sole reason that nobody's head explodes any time Dark Sun gets mentioned. :p
 

nevin

Hero
Just for fun...


No it would be pitched as. Just like a fantasy version of The Last of Us. The land turns on the people and cacti/fungus zombies roam the desert killing all who come near water sources.

DRAMA DRAMA MORE DRAMA

Executive: Welcome to Beach Sorcerers, Bob. I hear you have an intriguing pitch for a new setting you’d like us to publish? What can you tell me?
Bob: Well, it’s very different from your existing offerings. It’s a grim world I call, “Dark Sun.”
Executive: Oh, so the sun is dark? Like it’s a big balloon of blackness or something?
Bob: Noooo… but like it has dimmed and is dying.
Executive: Okay, so give me a mental picture, a flavor of the setting.
Bob: Imagine these buff, hairless, sweaty, barely clad adventurers in loincloths wielding strange weapons! And they’re standing on sand dunes!
Executive: Like Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras? Inclusivity is good! The sand might chafe though. Go on.
Bob: Um… That’s not what I envisioned…
Executive: It’s okay, Bob, you’re safe here; this is an inclusive work environment. So what is the setting like? Plenty of heroes fighting the good fight, magic, moustache twirling villains?
Bob: Totally! I mean, you’ve got these big sorcerer-kings who rule city states and have become so powerful they’ve transformed into dragons! And they’ve basically destroyed the world’s environment by using magic that drains life away from all the plants! And there are no gods! Just elemental forces! And everyone has psionics and can explode people’s brains just by staring at them hard enough!
Executive: That sounds pretty cool, Bob. Can the PCs save the world from the ecological destruction?
Bob: Probably not… But they can fight to free the slaves!
Executive: Slaves?
Bob: Oh yeah, there are slaves everywhere! Big slave armies! We even include prices for slaves and…
Executive: Bob…
Bob: And some of the slaves are folks we call muls.
Executive: Mules? So they’re horse people? Like centaurs but smaller?
Bob: Er, no, they’re sterile half-dwarves who’re bald and bred for labor!
Executive: “Bred for labor”?
Bob: Yep.
Executive: Bob, I’ve got to say, horse people is more palatable, like centaurs, but maybe reversed, so like a horse head and torso on human legs. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear “Bred for labor.”
Bob: Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.
Executive: You do that, Bob, you do that.
Bob: But that’s not all! We’ve got halflings and insect people!
Executive: Halflings are cute and insect people are kind of interesting.
Bob: And the halflings are cannibals! Oh, and the insect people want to eat everyone else too!
Executive: Bob, I’m sensing a theme here…
Bob: We’ve still got elves!
Executive: Ah, something relatable at last! Do they eat people, Bob?
Bob: No.
Executive: Bob, do they have anything to do with horses or donkeys?
Bob: Nope.
Executive: That’s a relief, Bob, because I was beginning to wonder...
Bob: They’re soooo cool! They’re like these people who wander, and don’t like to work, and thieve and swindle everyone! Like in that Cher song! "Gypsies, tramps, and thieves!" Wooo! Mardi Gras!
Executive: ...
Bob: Why are you… staring at me funny?
Executive: Psionics, Bob, psionics…
 


Voidrunner's Codex

Remove ads

Top