Is it inherently harder to be a female DM?

[randomling]

Hey everybody!

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody who replied to this thread and gave me new perspectives on the situation. Personally, I think it was probably a pacing issue - I have two players in my group who can be a nightmare when they're bored and it's likely it was a manifestation of that.

As for sitting these guys down and talking to them about it: I did mention that I was uncomfortable the first time this happened. It's made it worse - they now make a point of making the same kinds of jokes at the beginning of every session. I feel like I'm not likely to live it down. I've stopped DMing and am considering leaving the group - all in all, it hasn't been a very positive experience for me and I'm not sure I'm going to DM face-to-face for quite a while. I have, however, got an IC game about to start here, which should be fun.

Ziona - I'm really glad things worked out better for you! Let me know how things go. Are you planning on making a story hour?

 

[Buttercup]

Randomling, I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you.

I know your online game will be fun! And I hope that one day you find some people to game with in person who will treat you with the kindness & respect that you deserve.

You know, there are several regular posters to this board who live in London. I'll bet that at least one of them would be happy to game with you in real life.

 

[randomling]

You know, there are several regular posters to this board who live in London. I'll bet that at least one of them would be happy to game with you in real life.

Yeah - I know. I think I need to work on my DMing skills first, though. And figure out a good campaign.

I think I'll want to find a mixed-sex group, too.

How about it? Any London women out there?

And thanks, Buttercup.

 

[Silver Moon]

I did mention that I was uncomfortable the first time this happened. It's made it worse - they now make a point of making the same kinds of jokes at the beginning of every session.

This is really discouraging to hear. I strongly recommed that you find yourself another group.

On that line, let me tell you a short story. Back in 1982 when I was organizing a D&D group I had a side conversation with a friend who I knew from High School. She was a few years younger than myself and the other players, and I had not planned to invite her to join. During the conversation she mentioned a D&D game she had played recently with another group, where she was the only female player, and they all were sexist and disrespectful to her. She thought that was what the game was all about. I was totally appalled, and invited her to join my new group to see how the game was supposed to be played. Well, she turned out to be one of the group's best players and an excellent DM and is still a member (and also my wife, but that's another story).

 

[randomling]

This is really discouraging to hear. I strongly recommed that you find yourself another group.

On that line, let me tell you a short story. Back in 1982 when I was organizing a D&D group I had a side conversation with a friend who I knew from High School. She was a few years younger than myself and the other players, and I had not planned to invite her to join. During the conversation she mentioned a D&D game she had played recently with another group, where she was the only female player, and they all were sexist and disrespectful to her. She thought that was what the game was all about. I was totally appalled, and invited her to join my new group to see how the game was supposed to be played. Well, she turned out to be one of the group's best players and an excellent DM and is still a member (and also my wife, but that's another story).

Thanks.

I should point out that not every D&D player I know is like this. Its just that the nice ones seem to be temporaily out of the group because of work commitments. They'll be back, and when they are they will do a certain amount to stand up for me, but until then I'm stuck with the more childish ones.

And even when they do come back, I'll still be the only girl (and it's probably just my hang-up that I feel very conscious of that).

 

[Mark Chance]

Just because...

And even when they do come back, I'll still be the only girl (and it's probably just my hang-up that I feel very conscious of that).

Hang in there, r-ling. One thing I learned in the Army: Don't ever let anyone force you out of something you want to do.

Now for some random thoughts:

Yes, I would call my mother a wench, given the appropriate context. I have also ordered my wife to get me a beer. Fortunately, I'm cute enough to pull it off once in a while without offending.

My particular gaming group is all men, and I'd like it to stay that way. This might seem strange, but I don't want to socialize with females other than my wife and daughter, and neither of them game.

Since I'm a school teacher, I'm surrounded by women - coworkers, my boss, school volunteers, et cetera - most of the week. By the time Saturday rolls around and it's time to RPG, I'm tired of women. I want to kick back with the men-folk for a few hours, drink beer, slay monsters, mercilessly insult and pun each other, et cetera.

Not that I've never gamed with women. I have, and have found the games enjoyable for the most part. Unfortunately, I often have run into women trying too hard to be "one of the guys."

Ah well. Enough musing.

 

[hong]

As for sitting these guys down and talking to them about it: I did mention that I was uncomfortable the first time this happened. It's made it worse - they now make a point of making the same kinds of jokes at the beginning of every session.

In which case, they are dickheads, and you're almost certainly much better off without them.


Hong "just watch out for the rebound" Ooi

 

[Kilmore]

My two copper, Randomling.

You're not stuck with anybody. I'd imagine London of all places is packed with gamers. Personally, I'm rather tolerant of idiocy. Yes, boys will be boyz, people let their guard down around friends, and every night isn't the best night. These are problems that come up, and the others have posted fine suggestions to deal with them. Sometimes it's not enough.

If you've done what you could, leave the boys club to themselves. Most likely, it was only a certain few players that were the source of the trouble. Do not bother yourself to play with them again.

Get in touch with the players that you do feel like you can still game with and explain why you cannot play with that group any longer. Let them know that you are still interested in gaming. With the best of luck, when their schedule frees them up, they'll choose to game with you rather than that pack of doofi. Or maybe if they decide to go back with the original group, they will be inclined to prevent such behavior around any future female gamers.

Gaming is a voluntary social activity. If you don't want to deal with the people in your "society", you don't have to. Get your fix in here, we're here for you! To be honest though, I highly suspect that you'll find a RL gaming group before too long.

People game out in Cow Tip Missouri, I'm sure London might be able to spare one or two players.

 

[Maldur]

London is pretty much crawling with gamers.

You might try putting a note up at the local gamestore. Or at a college or something.

Arn't there londeners on the boards here? Who have a chair at the table left.

 

[Dismas]

Randomling

Have you thought about poping to GenCon UK at Olympia Two next year (April 18-21)?

Also whereabouts in London are you (roughly)?