Issues rewritten (Killer DMs)

[DM_Jeff]

Tired here this Sunday morning, but this came to mind. I reworked the lyrics of the Offspring song "Issues" to a situation I got in my head. Enjoy, and Happy July 4th America.

I got a new player and she just might be out of her mind
Well she's got baggage and it's all the Killer-DM kind
She talks about PC closure and that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that sh*t

And I said yeah, yeah
Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
Yeah, yeah
She thinks she's the victim
Yeah

Now I know she'll feel cheated
If I don't let her survive
And I know she’ll always run away
Even if she’s 12th level and the CR is 5

And I said yeah, yeah
Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
Yeah, yeah
She says she's the victim
But she takes it all out on me

I don't know why you're messed up
I don't know why your whole game’s a chore
Just do me a favor
And check your baggage at the door

Now she talks about her old killer DM, but I don't mind
But when she tells me that I’m like him
That's where I draw the line
You told me a hundred times how your PC died and is gone
But I wish you wouldn't cry like a baby
When my monsters start getting it on

And I said yeah, yeah
Oh man she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
Yeah, yeah
She's playing the victim
And taking it all out on me
Yeah, yeah
My god she's got issues
And I'm gonna pay
Gonna pay
Gonna pay

If you think I'm too hard a DM
Then why do you follow me around
If you're not co-dependent
Then why do you let others drag you down

I don't know why you're messed up
I don't know why your whole game’s a chore
Just do me a favor
And check your baggage at the door


-DM Jeff

 

[I'm A Banana]

Tee-hee. I've dealt with players like that.

 

[Mista Collins]

*applause*