Joy. It's the Buddy's Girlfriend.

[delericho]

Starting in June, I intend to run a 4e campaign with some friends and guess who's tagging along? That's right, a buddy wants his girlfriend to play. She's not exactly the most enthusiastic and is probably only playing to humor her guy.

Okay, I recommend talking to her, preferably one-on-one, and certainly without the boyfriend present (which might be tricky, I'll grant you that). And ask her outright: is she playing because she wants to play, or because he wants her to play. Emphasise that either is cool, but that it's better that you know, so you can react accordingly.

Be aware that she might say that she wants to play, when the truth is otherwise, so pay attention not just to the answer, but how she answers. Basically, if she answers directly and with certainty, and especially if she seems a little peeved that you will even ask that question, then she wants to play. If she hesitates, starts with "Um, yeah...", or sounds like she's trying to talk herself into it, then it's likely that he wants her to play.

Anyway, if you get the sense that she wants to play in her own right, then treat her like you would any other new player - talk her through character creation, explain the rules of the game in brief, and so on.

If you get the sense that she's only playing because he wants her to, then the best thing to do is describe a few basic character types, and ask her to either pick or give some idea of an alternative character she would like to play. Then create a character for her, keeping close to her preferred archetype, and keeping things simple. In play, try not to bamboozle her with rules-speak, and perhaps insulate her from many of the rules details - focus on what she does, rather than the mechanics of how she does it.

Additionally, when dealing with a player who doesn't really want to be there, be patient. Don't heavily involve her character in plot-lines, since she's likely to miss sessions, and probably won't want to remember details from week to week. If she doesn't pay attention in-game, don't get annoyed and don't take it personally. And, if she (the player) wanders off, then so be it. Remember: she's not really into the game, so don't try to force the issue.

The only other concern is if she detracts from the game for everyone else. This may take the form of her dragging to boyfriend away, or worse might take the form of her commenting how bored she is while at the table (or similar). In this case, you need to speak to the couple, preferably the two of them together, and without the other players present. Explain that the situation just isn't working out, and that while you don't have any problem with her, the fact is that she obviously doesn't want to be there, which is cool, and that that is causing problems for everyone else, which isn't cool. At which point, be prepared to lose them both as players - be careful to accept that as being what it is, or you might well lose them both as friends.

She doesnt really care about the character creation process and one of us will probably end up basically designing her character for her. So...what type of character should I push her into?

Don't. Describe the archetypes, and let her pick. Rangers, Bards and Druids seem popular choices amongst new female players, in my experience, but each case is different, and you really should let her choose. I've found that in 3e, and even amongst new players, 1st level Wizards aren't that hard to handle. Obviously, I don't know how 4e works out, but I doubt it will be much worse.

Any suggestions or ideas?

Communication is the key.

 

[Mr Jack]

I suggest you run an introductory game for her seperate to your main game, ideally on a different night. Get her, her bloke, and one other player along. Tell her boyfriend to talk through and sort out a character for her. Run something light on the rules, and see what she thinks of it.

This has three advantages:

1. It won't mess up your main game if it doesn't work out
2. Everyone present will understand you're gaming for her, and act accordingly
3. It lets you tailor the environment to a newbie

Oh, and if this is ever going to work the absolute NUMBER ONE thing you need to do is drop your bad attitude about the whole thing.

 

[Ipissimus]

My advice is, for dealing with any newbie, keep it simple. It's easy to bog someone new down with rules in this game, if they're trying to remember the rules they're not having fun. Be patient, let her learn the rules as she does things in game and apply a minimum of fuss to every aspect. Complexity can wait.

A good list of questions for a newbie trying to decide what s/he wants to play:

1. Do you want to kick ass or blow stuff up with magic?

If you want to kick ass: sword or bow? Sword = Fighter or Paladin; Bow = Ranger.
If you want to blow stuff up with magic: Would you like to heal people too? Yes = Cleric; No = Wizard or Sorcerer.

I don't recommend esoteric classes like Druids or borderline characters like Bards for newbies unless they're really psyched to play THAT ONE. I wouldn't recommend a Wizard for a newbie in 3.x, it's too complex, but it should be fine in 4E. In fact, I'd watch a newbie arcane spellcaster in 3.x closely, if they don't seem to be having fun, let them know that they can change at any time. The only reason I don't include Rogues is that a Rogue has to deal with the skill system, which means you have to explain it, which racks up the complexity for the newbie which is a bad thing in general.

Once they get a good grasp as to how things work, let them move into areas like backstory and roleplaying in thier own time (perhaps with a little bit of encouragement). Some people just don't take to DnD, though, like any other game, so if she's still non-plussed about the whole thing after a few months, don't worry if she leaves. It might not be your fault, just not her cup of tea.

It's been my experience, having run groups that have mostly consisted of a 50/50 ratio of male/female players, the differences between genders are negligible.

 

[invokethehojo]

Ouch dude. We came up with the golden rule long ago: no girlfriends playing. As time went by and some girlfriends became spouse we broke the golden rule... much to our dismay. No mater how we played it spouses/girlfriends (or even boyfriends if its a female player) simply do not work.
The way I see it each person in a relationship needs their own hobby, I told my fiance that I would gear my videogame playing to include her (less halo more rock band) but that D&D would stay just a guy thing. Now were down from a group of 6 to 3 dudes and me as the DM... and we r happy. I advise you to do the same, even if it is tough. In the end I'm sure you'll find, as we did, that the golden rule is sacred

 

[Belphanior]

Ouch dude. We came up with the golden rule long ago: no girlfriends playing. As time went by and some girlfriends became spouse we broke the golden rule... much to our dismay. No mater how we played it spouses/girlfriends (or even boyfriends if its a female player) simply do not work.
The way I see it each person in a relationship needs their own hobby, I told my fiance that I would gear my videogame playing to include her (less halo more rock band) but that D&D would stay just a guy thing. Now were down from a group of 6 to 3 dudes and me as the DM... and we r happy. I advise you to do the same, even if it is tough. In the end I'm sure you'll find, as we did, that the golden rule is sacred

And now for my anecdotal evidence:

A few years ago I've had two girlfriends join in with their boyfriends, in seperate games. Both of the campaigns still work out peachy to this day. One of them has by now broken up with that boyfriend, and even then it still works out.

In the end I'm sure you'll find, as we did, that invokethehojo's golden rule is entirely subjective and you should decide for yourself.

 

[Wormwood]

In the end I'm sure you'll find, as we did, that the golden rule is sacred

And how!

 

[ObsidianCrane]

Considering the comments and your experience I would suggest going here;
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/4art/20080220a (Races & Classes Preview gallery)

Grab 1 picture for each class, try and vary the races a bit, write a 2 or 3 sentance descritpion of the class - focus on examples of the role of the class. For example "As a cleric, you're foremost in anyone's mind when the subject of the divine comes up. So take up the mantle of Cleric if you want to lead by example drawn from your divine patron. If fortifying and healing your allies is your way, and you're eagre to rain holy wrath on your foes, the cleric's life might be for you." (Drawn from R&C pgs 54 & 55).

Then give a short description of a character idea that fits your campaign inspired by the picture - kind of like those sample adventurer write ups that are in the Racial descriptions we have (Elf and Tiefling), but tied to the picture you have.

Tell her she can pick one or make up another one (a picture might inspire her differently than it did you).

Once she has picked one ask her questions like;
Is the character strong? Are they nimble? Are they tough as nails? Are they academically smart? Do they have a lot of common sense? Are they good at making friends? (You could put it as a 1-5 priority table if you like for each, teling her there can be only 1x5, and at most 2 of any other option)

Then you can take those ideas of hers about the character away and crunch most of the numbers. Once the rules are in hand you can get together with her and sort out the final things like what skills the character has and pick a feat. Weapon and armor should be taken care of by the portrait.

That might help.

 

[Henry]

Oddball question, deathdonut: Have you ever read Robin Laws' Rules of GOod Gamemastering, or the DMG2? If not, they're excellent reads to help DMs get a good feel for the different types of players out there, and how best to maximize their fun with your game. She may just be a different type of player from ones you're used to. And if she honestly doesn't have much fun with the game, then you can say you tried, and gave it your best shot.

...I've heard lots of interesting stories from this site over the years where the girlfriend came in following the boyfriend, and the group wound up getting one of their most diehard players to date out of the deal.

 

[Charwoman Gene]

Oddball question, deathdonut: Have you ever read Robin Laws' Rules of GOod Gamemastering, or the DMG2?

Robin Laws wrote a chunk of the DMG2. Just sayin'.

 

[Piratecat]

Ouch dude. We came up with the golden rule long ago: no girlfriends playing. As time went by and some girlfriends became spouse we broke the golden rule... much to our dismay. No mater how we played it spouses/girlfriends (or even boyfriends if its a female player) simply do not work.

Whatever works for you, I guess, but I find this incredibly short-sighted and more than a little bit offensive. I've probably gamed with 40 or more women over the last decade, and without exception they've made the game more fun. Excluding them on the basis of their gender doesn't make any more sense to me than excluding a person on the basis of their skin color, or their religion.

EDIT: Hmm, I misread your statement; it isn't female players you exclude, but girlfriends/boyfriends who want to play simply because their partner is. I still think you may be missing opportunities, but it's not the situation I thought you were describing. Sorry for the inference.