Kicking out a player: share your stories/advice

[fusangite]

People will tell you to be honest with the guy. But you don't have to be. Here's how to kick him without him even knowing he's been kicked. We have done this in the past and it works.

The DM says he's stopping running the game, for whatever reason - game isn't working out, work pressure, wants to spend more time with his family, whatever. Then you simply restart the game, perhaps in a different venue or on another night to aid secrecy, minus the offending player. Simple and brilliant.

I keep forgetting that despite our opposing views of magic and physics in gaming mass our total agreement on how to have a grown-up social contract for one's D&D group.

One of the most common social deficits in gamers is their erroneous belief that the "adult" way to deal with things is to tell everybody the exact honest truth instead of considering feelings, face-savivng and other important niceties that make the world of grown-ups go around.

 

[shilsen]

One of the most common social deficits in gamers is their erroneous belief that the "adult" way to deal with things is to tell everybody the exact honest truth instead of considering feelings, face-savivng and other important niceties that make the world of grown-ups go around.

I'll plead guilty to that deficit, but would like to apply for an exemption since I also do the honesty thing in the world outside gaming too It doesn't matter whether I'm dealing with superiors, friends, family, co-workers, students, etc. If I have to deal with a situation, I'll deal with it by telling the truth. I don't think it's the "adult" way of dealing with things, since I've met too many human beings. It's just the honest and, for me, most straightforward way of dealing with things.

 

[BlueBlackRed]

Kicking people out, or even confronting someone about issues with them makes me sick to my stomach. But someone has to do it.

Most of us in my group only get to play one day a week. Having someone bring it down is not how we think of a Friday well spent.

The last person we had to remove from the group reinforced my "go by your gut" instinct.

He was new to the game - not an issue.
He had a huge amount of enthusiasm - excellent.
He was big and clumsy - not so good.
He had a bad case of ADHD - worse than I thought it would be.

As time went on he became more and more disruptive to the group to the point where a couple of us weren't having fun while others would tolerate him.

After a little over a year it came to a head and I sent him an e-mail trying to be polite while also being forceful that his disruptive behaviors had to stop. I felt bad physically and mentally, but I could not see any other option.

He quit after a few weeks of "I'm busy this week, sorry."

I heard later that he had joined and been tossed out of two other groups in a years time.
Apparently we had been more patient with him than anyone else.

 

[TheAuldGrump]

I really hate passive aggressive methods that "avoid" confrontation. I think that if you have to boot someone, have the cojones to do it privately, be honest with him and tell him exactly why. He doesn't have to like it, but he's going to have to accept it.

The idea of lying leaves a bad taste in my mouth. When they find out you lied to ditch them, it's even worse -- and if you don't tell them what they're doing wrong, they can't help improve it.

This is what appears to me to be the only real choice. Discuss it with the other players first, give him ample warning and a chance to change, and if he does not then you talk to him between sessions, wrap him in chicken wire, tie on some cinder blocks and toss him in the river. let him know that his absence is desired than his presence.

The Auld Grump

 

[blargney the second]

You've gotten plenty of good advice already, so I'll suggest this instead.

Leave a Post-It Note on his fridge:
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Don't hate me.

 

[Chimera]

I had a player like this. He had been a friend for a number of years and his personality got progressively worse over that time until he was a complete jerk in the game who sucked all the fun out of the room and made me consider giving up DMing. I tried to have the talk with him on three occasions and it failed miserably each time. His ego simply wouldn't let him admit he could be any tiny bit at fault. So, after the third conversation I called him a few days later and told him that I thought we should not game together for a few months because we were obviously butting heads too often and needed a cool-down period. He's still a jerk out of game, so he's not getting invited back to any gaming group.

Unfortunately, this player no longer speaks to me. However, this is not really about the gaming, but because his personal life has gotten to the point where he's really not speaking with anyone anymore. *shrug* Some people you cannot help.

I had a really good friend like this too. Gamed with him and his wife, best of friends, called me "family". But slowly over the years, especially as they had children, they became smug, self-satisfied (expletives) who knew everything they ever needed to know about everything and assumed the absolute worst out of me (and everyone else) at every turn. No rules applied to them. They were once invited to a mutual friend's party, with the invitation clearly saying "no children" and a set end time because the hosts had to be elsewhere. They showed up 5 minutes after that set end time, with their kids in tow. Because obviously, it didn't apply to them!

No good ever came out of trying to talk to them about anything that was going wrong. Because they were right and the entire rest of the world was wrong.

Took me a long time and a lot of personal growth to get over the feelings of betrayal.

Now I see how they slowly built their own personal hell and drove everyone away. Hope they like it that way, because they created it.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Yeah, so I tried the restart in secret once, after deciding not to invite one of my players.

There we were, gaming and having fun, when the other player walks in.
She's like, "Hey, I thought that you weren't playing anymore."
We're like, "We aren't playing."
She's like, "Yes you are, I can see you playing."
We're like, "No we aren't...and besides, we didn't invite you."
She's like, "I live here and I'm married to the GM."

Let me tell you, the passive aggressive booting never works with your spouse...ever.

You can call that having backfired. I guess the GM in question was not a happy man for some time, hell having no fury and so further and so on...

 

[Kae'Yoss]

If no one ever tells they WHY they don't want to game with them, they have no real hope of ever improving their play style.

I would guess that most situations where someone is kicked out aren't about play styles, but more about the people's behaviour in general. Sure, it's bad if someone constantly gets you into trouble in game, or starts infighting between characters, but that's nothing compared to having a jerk, a stinker, or a loony sitting at the table (wo does the infighting and in-trouble-getting, but lots of other things out of game, too)

 

[canylic]

one way to put the onus on the players

When I had a couple of players that were not working out,
I stopped planning sessions. One of the players would have
to reserve a time with me by Wednesday for the following
weekend. That person decided who would be invited, and
had to get me the list 24 hours before the session. So the players
that organized things did not invite the problem players. If
they did, it was their problem.

I was called a couple of times about whether I was running
by these players, but just restated the rule that if I was running,
a player organized it, and that they could organize a session
if they wanted. One tried, but all the other players decided they
were busy that day, since we were playing the next day.

This gave me - the DM - the freedom to not ban anyone, but
let the players decide who they wanted to play with. I had
phone numbers for all the players, and they had all approved
me passing them on to anyone organizing a session. (This
was in the 1E days, so email was not an option).

 

[DonTadow]

So long as you're mature about it things should go smoothly. LMAO ok maybe not always.

My last experience was pleasant, though wierd. There were two players from my wife's game who wanted to join my game. My wife's game is more of a beer and pretzel friday night game and the sunday game has a more serious tone. I worried that these two players would take it serious enough and after a month they hadn't. (six sessions they missed 4 and one player deemed his it important to annoy the party as opposed to play his character).

It was a bit awkward because I didn't want it to reflect the friday night game where i'm still a player. There seems to be no hard feelings but i am still a bit miffed that i made concessions t obring them into my sunday game and there seemed to be no effort