Kids- How do you do it?

[Thornir Alekeg]

Congratulations!

There is a lot of good advice here, but as with any advice, feel free to ignore whatever doesn't feel right for you. These are your children, your family, don't let others tell you how to raise them.

A few things I will emphasize: talk with your wife about how you are going to raise the kids. Crib or family bed? Furber technique or attachment parenting? Spanking or no spanking (won't be needed until later, but talk about it before you do)? Be consistent, you should raise your children together, not each your own way.

As for the changes and coping: it can be hard, especially if you don't have friends and family how are in or have been in the same boat. There will be days it will really annoy you that you can't just up and head off to a gaming convention, or even get an evening out with your wife. In the end, though, the rewards are worth the troubles, especially if you've got a couple of snugglers like my two are. There is nothing like laying on the couch and having both kids climb up and lay down with you so you can read them a book, or having them just give you a big hug because they love you.
Good luck and have fun!

 

[DarrenGMiller]

Congrats, Harmon! My wife and I have been married for 13 years and have no chilren yet. We have been trying for the past 6+ years (no birth control), but have had no luck yet. Enjoy every minute of it!

DM

 

[billd91]

Wow, long drought and then jackpot. Congratulations.

When my first was on the way, a co-worker told me that once you have your kid, you can no longer really imagine life without them again. I didn't really understand it then, but I do now. Kids change pretty much everything, sometimes in major ways, sometimes subtlely.

Don't worry if you don't feel you are bonding with your kids right away. It doesn't happen that way for everybody. My first reaction when my daughter was born was "Oh, crap. We've done it now!" It felt like everything was crashing in on me. The realization that I was now responsible for this child's life was suddenly made manifest and it scared the hell out of me. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I watched the hospital's post partum shows on one of their cable channels and there was a group discussion of new fathers discussing whether they bonded right away or not. About half did and half didn't. I started to feel that I wasn't so messed up. And you know what? We have since made that connection and I realized I love my daughter more than I could ever really describe and could ever have predicted.
When my son was born nearly a year ago, I bonded much quicker. I now knew more about what to expect and was more experienced with making that bond, so it was easier. Of course, having a second kid always complicates things. But we're muddling through.

Let the major gaming slide for a while until you start to feel you've got the time for it. Invest in some quick and easy short games like Munchkin, Chez Geek, Carcasonne, and others that can solve your gaming needs without sucking away too much time.

 

[Steve Jung]

Congratulations to you and your wife, Harmon.

 

[Harmon]

Thank you, times a hundred



I was pretty nervous by Friday night (knew there was one coming before that, on Friday it was two- nervous).

We have started cleaning out one of our spare rooms for later occupation, by the little ones. Right now we plan on using the walk in closet for a nursery- will allow for easy access and quick turn arounds for changing and feedings in the late of night.

As I think I mentioned- the wife is going to spend a few months home at first then I will quit working all together to focus on raising the kids for the first few years. Hopefully we can do it with our finances :\ which are pretty bad, cause of my injury a few years ago.

We have started reading books about pregency, infancy, and toddlers, making rules and scheduals and stuff like that. We have a lot of work to do.

I want to attend some classes on the basics (Baby 101 would be a nice class to have if they taught something like that at the local JC or adult school)as well as some anger management courses (which I reeaaalllllyyyyy need).

We don't expect much help from the grandparents & friends- my Dad and step Mom are famous for their lack of interest in little ones (they are great with them they just don't want to help out). Mom and her BF are pretty interested though they live 20 odd miles away and have to work. Mom and step Dad in law have a little more interest then my Dad and his wife, so no help there. Father in law- never met the man, never want to meet him, so that door is pretty much closed. Friends- have two that might help, but not sure how interested they are so I guess I will need to ask that question.

As far as the gaming goes, my wife is deeply considering quitting so that I can continue to game as an outlet as I will be locked in a house with two kids for years I need something to help me through it (her words not mine).

Many thanks guys, as ever EN is great. I thank you many times for the help, for the blessings and such, it helps with my self doubt.

 

[reveal]

We have started reading books about pregency, infancy, and toddlers, making rules and scheduals and stuff like that. We have a lot of work to do.

We found these books very helpful:

What to Expect When You're Expecting

What to Expect the First Year

Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care

 

[Nareau]

Having once been a kid myself, I feel qualified to recommend How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. My mom read it when I was a teenager, and it helped to make her the Best Mom Ever.

Spider

 

[Treebore]

Well, as you know, I'ver been there and done that and you've even met two of my three kids. Early on rely on the advice you get and read in the books, but do learn to trust your instincts.

Definitely get a handle on your anger issues, whatever they are, I've never seen you lose your temper in person. But the worst feeling in the world is if you let your anger hurt those little babies, so work really hard to avoid such an ugly situation, those aren't memories you want to carry for the rest of your life.

What helps me, is primarily just keeping it in, and venting it elswhere.
Plus, when you know your getting to the "point" learn to walk away before you go off. Tell "N" to let you go when this happens, so she knows why your doing it.

Plus, with your (my) kids, when your looking at them, I keep it in the front of my mind how much I love them, how it is my job to protect and teach them, so I find that I really don't lose my temper nearly as often as I would with other people or children.

But rule number one for anger control issues, never punish your child while you are angry. Force yourself to wait until you are "really" over it and won't get worked up again.
Kids make mistakes, lots of them, with many of them being repeats. Just realize they are kids, and yes it can take several times before they start to remember the right way to behave, no matter how BIG the punishment was the last 2, 3, 5, 12 times. Sooner or later they will get it, hopefully soon the vast majority of the time.


It will be a big help if both you and N are on the same page on all issues of discipline, if not, get as close as you can, and definitely defer to her while your temper is flared up.

Plus, when they are older, such as late in their 3rd year, or maybe never, watch for them to start intentionally playing you and N against each other. My son that you met did this, to the point where it took a lot to get my wife to "see" it. It took a while for me to catch on in the first place. I think he was 4 or 5 when he did it, but he could have been as old as 7. You did notice my senile tendencies when we gamed together, right?

My other two never tried to play us against each other.

Well, I'm on the east coast right now, so it is very late (2:00 AM) and since I need to get up in about 6 hours I had better go to bed. If I think of any other words of wisdom that may actually be useful I'll most likely e-mail them to you.

Congrats on the twins, there are advantages to doing it two at a time. But there are disadvantages that may make you wonder if it balances out. The biggest disadvantage is probably that you and N won't outnumber them. You'll figure out what I mean as you get the experience.

Your kids birthdays should be within a weeks of my youngest. Well, good night.

 

[James Heard]

So a couple weeks ago, she gives me a card, and well after nearly ten years of trying

Dude, I am so not taking any more cards or paper products in any form from anymore women I know...just in case.

Congrats, welcome to your new fitness workout for the next several years. Those darn babies are heavy.

 

[Thunderfoot]

When my wife was pregnant, we heard tons of advice/anecdotes about being a parent. I'll pass along the simplest and truest of it: it is so much harder than you think it will be, and it is so much BETTER than you think it will be.

I'll second that in a HEARTBEAT!
My olderst is 16 and youngest is 11 (soon to be 12), as far as advice, I agree with the gaming at your house, play with others who will support you (other parents or parents with older kids who don't game are a big help), allow time for diaper changes, feedings, "crying" time, etc.

As for parenting advice - love them always, discipline (kids need it and wil respect you for it later) as needed (but never in anger), and share in their hobbies and they may share in yours.

My son plays in my gaming group - my daughter abandoned it. I'm not angry or saddened (my sister didn't like gaming either) and she is now one of the older children who helps with t he younger children while we game (BONUS!!). My group is rather strange but hopefully it's make-up will help you make some decisions and educate the other members of your group about what is going to happen.

My wife and I have been married for 17+ years (18 in October), but we are both under 40 (I was 18 she was 20 when we tied the knot). Q (my son) came along right after so we have a lot of experience under our belts. Another couple has three children (oldest is 11, middle is 6, youngest is 2) and have been married for 12 years. We have two couples that just crossed their 1st and 2nd anniversaries), a couple that just got engaged (single guy and divorced mother of 2/ie instant family/), and three single guys (yes we have a VERY LARGE group). How does it work - a lot of understanding and a whole lot of work. Part of that is learning to give and TAKE advice when its offered, and understand that everyone is trying to help, not run your life.

I have learned to live by the phrase, It isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.