Losing gamers to "relationship-land"
- Thread starter Silver Moon
- Start date
Creamsteak
Explorer
Alzrius said:
Swords, Computers, Literature, and Money vs. Hormones? Someone has an unfair advantage, but I honestly can't figure out which one...
Darrin Drader
Explorer
I've been pretty lucky in this respect. I really haven't lost any gamers to this because most of my players were already in committed relationships or married, and their signifficant others were alright with them escaping once every other week to game.
Also, compared to the statistics, I've had some pretty diverse groups. My last long-term group consisted of 2 Air-Force officers (1 male, 1 female), my wife, and a guy over 50 who had never gamed before in his life before he met me. That group self destructed when one of the Air-Force officers quit the military and moved to Texas and the other officer had her hours readjusted to the point where our usual gaming hours just weren't practical. The other two are still with me, but we're kind of on the lookout for more players. I also have no shortage of gamers at work, so I usually get some gaming in with mostly the same people after hours once in a while.
Also, compared to the statistics, I've had some pretty diverse groups. My last long-term group consisted of 2 Air-Force officers (1 male, 1 female), my wife, and a guy over 50 who had never gamed before in his life before he met me. That group self destructed when one of the Air-Force officers quit the military and moved to Texas and the other officer had her hours readjusted to the point where our usual gaming hours just weren't practical. The other two are still with me, but we're kind of on the lookout for more players. I also have no shortage of gamers at work, so I usually get some gaming in with mostly the same people after hours once in a while.
Gospog
First Post
I guess you can put me in the "lucky camp". I met my wife just after highschool, I had already been gaming for 11 years or so.
When she saw how important it was to me, she immediately asked to get involved. Now she is an RPG nut (and a proud Buffy geek to boot). She would not miss game night for the world and has GMed a few games in recent times. (she does quite well as a GM)
That being said, if I need time with my friends, without her, she is totally cool with that. Though that usually means my friends and I play a TTG or go out, as I hate to run an RPG session without my best player.
Silver Moon, what you may be seeing with your friend is his gf testing him. There is nothing, including RPGs, that I woiuldn't give up for my wife, or would have given up for her as my girlfriend. So maybe after he passes this test, and chooses the girl, she'll feel secure enough to let him game again.
Good luck.
When she saw how important it was to me, she immediately asked to get involved. Now she is an RPG nut (and a proud Buffy geek to boot). She would not miss game night for the world and has GMed a few games in recent times. (she does quite well as a GM)
That being said, if I need time with my friends, without her, she is totally cool with that. Though that usually means my friends and I play a TTG or go out, as I hate to run an RPG session without my best player.
Silver Moon, what you may be seeing with your friend is his gf testing him. There is nothing, including RPGs, that I woiuldn't give up for my wife, or would have given up for her as my girlfriend. So maybe after he passes this test, and chooses the girl, she'll feel secure enough to let him game again.
Good luck.
shadow
First Post
When I was in high school one of my fellow gamers got in a relationship with a girlfriend. Anyway, his girlfriend didn't like the idea of him being a gamer. She apparently thought that RPGs were either satanic or nerdy (perhaps a little of both). She made it clear that she didn't want him playing. So in a rush to downplay his prior involvement in the RPG hobby he sold all his D&D stuff and Magic cards for dirt cheap. However, a few months later he broke up with her (such are the way of high school romances) However, by that time he had, alas, discovered life outside of gaming and never went back to gaming. Oh well, at least I got over $100 worth of Magic cards from him for less than $20
We just just had this happen in our gaming group. The girlfriend does not want him to play so she started throwing scenes at him everytime he walked out the door. So in total exhaustion he stopped playing.
It is true that when you get in a relationship things in your life change. You have to make time for the relationship. That may mean giving up some hobbies. To make this time. But it does not mean giving up everything and it should be your choice not the new love's. I can see where Saturday night games might be a problem, in our group we don't play on Fridays or Saturdays those days are reserved for the significant others. So we play on Sunday nights.
I do not think it is healthy to change everything about yourself and give up all your interests for another person. Then you are not the same person they supposedly fell in love with in the first place.
It is true that when you get in a relationship things in your life change. You have to make time for the relationship. That may mean giving up some hobbies. To make this time. But it does not mean giving up everything and it should be your choice not the new love's. I can see where Saturday night games might be a problem, in our group we don't play on Fridays or Saturdays those days are reserved for the significant others. So we play on Sunday nights.
I do not think it is healthy to change everything about yourself and give up all your interests for another person. Then you are not the same person they supposedly fell in love with in the first place.
mythago
Hero
Elf Witch, if he is choosing to be with a scene-throwing manipulator, then it is his choice (not hers) to quit the game. I don't know if your friend really doesn't understand what a healthy relationship is all about, or if he's got problems that lead him to pick out drama queens. But until he understands that "I will throw a tantrum until you do as I say" is not acceptable in five-year-olds, much less in grown women, he will choose to put up with this.
mythago said:
Of course it is his choice and one none of is can figure out. He is a good looking very nice man who just happens to be in his own practice as a dentist he could do so much better. When he first started seeing her he still played then he went to Georgia for year to practice while he waited to retake his boards in Florida. This man flew home every weekend to see her. When he relocated back here that is when the trouble started.
I have seen this before with my female friends they meet a guy and they stop hanging out they drop their hobbies, I have noticed something almost everyone of them that did that ended up breaking up or turned out to be in abusive relationships.
If you truly care for someone you support their interests. In my Vampire game the wife of the storyteller does not play but we invade her home every Friday night she is welcoming, usually she bakes us cookies
She even asked us what books her husband might like for Christmas.
mythago
Hero
From having seen this kind of thing, I'd guess one of two possibilities:
1) It is, to some degree, an abusive relationship.
2) He's getting something out of the power dynamic with her that's better than gaming.
#2 sounds a little weird, so let me do the long tedious version: Some people prefer relationships where their SO and their friends/hobbymates are fighting for their attention. Or they like romances that are high-conflict and full of drama, and then rushing back to their worried friends when the relationship crashes and burns.
Similar Threads
- Locked
