Lost my dad recently; feeling...lost

[s/LaSH]

My condolences - my mother passed on when I was younger, and my father's had heart problems in recent years, so I have a good idea of what a lot of people here have gone through. And it sucks. A lot, and for a long time. But in the end, you're sad because you had joy and have it no longer. Try to realise that memories of that happiness shouldn't be diminished just because it's not there any more. Don't try too hard, of course - sadness is only to be expected, but there's no sense in overdosing on it. You'll get through this - really, there's nothing you can do, and again, that sucks. It might seem as though your little diversions are insignificant, and really, they aren't as important as things like this - but they're just as necessary in the long run. If you can accept that, and get on with the little things of life, you'll eventually become happy again.

 

[caudor]

Thank you. Thank all of you. I really appreciate the words of comfort and support...I really didn't expect that---I can say I don't feel so alone anymore.

I think I will go find someone to talk to. It is reassuring to learn what I'm feeling is normal and I thank you for helping me see that it will help me to reach out and not face this alone.

Your words have helped me more than you can know today. Bless you all.

 

[Steve Jung]

I'm so sorry for you, caudor. Grieving is a process, so there really isn't an end. It just hurts less each day. And it will. Don't feel like you should be over it just because of what the calendar says. Support groups will help a lot. My thoughts are with you.

 

[RangerWickett]

My father died when I was very young, and I don't remember how I reacted. When I was in 11th grade my grandmother died, and even though I didn't know her well and she lived several states away, I was still broken up for a few months.

About the closest loss I've had similar to that was when my ex-girlfriend, who I loved and thought I would be living with forever, broke up with me. It was eight months before I stopped thinking she'd come back to me, and a year before I really came out of the funk I'd gotten myself into. In my case, my friends tried to raise my spirits by making fun of her, but that actually didn't help.

I know the situation isn't the same, and I know my loss was not nearly as great as yours, but that just makes me fairly certain you're going to need to keep talking to friends and family for help for a while longer.

God bless you, and may you find peace.

 

[mythusmage]

To amplify what others have said, there is no right way to grieve. The pain will ease, but let it ease on its own. Don't force it. You need someone to talk to about it, go ahead and find somebody. It'll help tons.

Most important: Never forget.

BTW, never be afraid to laugh when a memory calls for laughter.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

BTW, never be afraid to laugh when a memory calls for laughter.

That's a great point. There is sorrow in the loss, but don't forget the joy that you had. And don't feel guilty if those thoughts and memories make you feel happy. That was one of my biggest problems, some time after my grandmother died other family members were still strongly grieving, and I felt guilty that I was not.

 

[Mark]

My condolences, caudor. Lost my mother last October. It's still tough sometimes. Chin up. It gets easier each day.

 

[LeifVignirsson]

Brother, let me tell you that everyone here is right in what they say. They are also right that it takes a while to grieve the loss of a parent. My father passed 4 years ago and the only way I found out about it was because my stepmother sent me the obituary along with other, more personal items. You should always remember everything about your father and feel glad that you had a very close and personal relationship with him.

Even if you don't feel comfortable in talking to a professional, you can always go to someone else... If you are religious, you can go to your pastor, witch doctor, spiritual leader, etc. If you have siblings, you can always fall on them. Sometimes even your closest friends will be more than willing to listen. Never be afraid to talk about it, never be afriad to laugh and cry about it. Always remember...

 

[Rel]

Allow me to extend my sympathies too, Caudor. I am fortunate enough to have both my parents but my wife lost her father a few years ago and I was around for that. And I am coming up on a year since I lost one of my best friends (of 20 years), a fellow gamer and fellow member of this board. That was probably the toughest loss I've ever endured personally.

I won't pretend to tell you how you should react, feel or cope. But I will say this: I think I recovered more quickly and was able to reclaim my joy in living faster than a couple of his other single friends and loved ones thanks to my family and obligations to them.

I have a wife and young daughter whom I love very much. They were understandably supportive toward me as I dealt with the heartwrenching loss of such a close friend who died at a horribly young age (he was 33). But I also was forced to get a grip on my feelings and not let them incapacitate me. Even though there were days that I didn't want to get out of bed, when your two year old wants you to take her outside to push her on the swings, you go. You make dinner for them. You cuddle them. You tuck them into bed at night. You do the things that living requires because they need you as much as you need them.

I don't know if you are blessed to have people like this in your life but I hope that you do. And if you don't, perhaps try to find a way to help somebody else, even as you grieve. When somebody else is counting on you, it becomes much easier to put one foot in front of the other and keep on with life. It has nothing to do with leaving the memory of your deceased loved one behind (I'm not sure that's even possible). Finding your joy again is exactly what they would want you to do.

Good luck to you and know that we're here for you any time.

 

[king_ghidorah]

Caudor, my condolences. I lost my mother three and half years ago, and I lost my father a year ago, and each experience was very different. Know that the grieving process will take time. There is no set schedule, and their is no set way it unfolds. Don't worry about whether your process is "normal" or not. The more important issue is whether or not you are taking care of yourself along the way.

What will help you will be finding someone to talk to-- a counselor, a pastor, or some other professional who can help you deal with the complex, painful, and often very slow grieving process. And connect with those who you love and who love you, too. Friends, family, even co-workers. You will be surprised by the number of people who will keep you aloft with surprising acts of kindness and sympathy. You may ven find yourself getting support from strangers and acquaintances when you would least expect it.

Grasp onto those moments of joy and kindness you encounter, get help, and you will be able to ride this out. It will be tough, but joy and peace will return in time when you are ready.