Nyaricus
First Post
I might as well note this: this thread ain't exactly Eric Grandma-friendly in parts. Please continue your read with discretion.
It's kinda weird how life works is sometimes, eh? Myself, it's kinda weird. One thing leads to another... times change, people change. The sun rises in the morning, sets in the evening. Sometimes it can just feel as if you are going along with the tide, keeping yourself up on that swell of unrelenting force, only to crash on the beach. Hard.
The last 9 months, hell, two years have been hard. Depression has been lurking behind every corner, in every nook and cranny hoping to, in no uncertain terms,
me over. It's been a test of wills, to say the least.
Two years ago, I was hit with a bout of some of the worst depression in my life. I was removed from my friends; didn't go on MSN or hang out as much or call or try to get things together. Part of it was me making a good choice with some friends who chose drugs over virtue and morality and friendship. And yes, while drug users (that includes drinkers, since alcohol is a drug) can be moral, and virtuous, these friends were not. The realisation of how they took my friendship for granted, and how they mowed down others in their path has not yet sunk in, and yet now I am posting this because I am finally almost coming to terms with this, and am hoping in some further spots of enlightenment in this dark chapter of my life.
So, they threw away their chances, their intelligence, their virtue, their morality and their ties with many people for a culture filled with users and abusers and people who really don't care about you, but rather how much money they can make off you. Cocaine-laced pot was only the beginning in their downward spiral, and the repercussions of this hit me in the gut; I had known some of these guys since pre-school. Others, since ~grade 5 or 6. These were the same people who introduced me into my two favourite things in life: Dungeons and Dragons and music; specifically rock and metal. I was devastated.
I never saw any of their binges or usage, but I heard the horror stories on the fringe; their group of "friends" was still slightly entwined with mine in high school so there was a crossover in which I was privy to some perplexing and vexing statements of their current well-being. I was disgusted and apathetic.
My girlfriend, who I had began dating the year prior (or, 3 years ago from this the present time) kept me busy; she was high maintenence and very much the opposite of me. There was always the constant pressure from her to conform to her. I was a white metalhead, and she was a Spanish dancer - opposite ends of the spectrum. And yet, we were in love on so many levels, and our personality's "clicked". But she wanted me to be more "normal", more mainstream, more "clean cut", more her type, I guess. Meanwhile, I was delving deeper into the local metal scene and culture and into harder, darker, harsher bands. Having to establish myself as an extension of my interests was nigh-impossible with her persistence. I had to wear more colours, get trendier jeans, stupid like that which, while on the surface didn't really bother me, shook my core and caused great anxiety in my life. It also was the cause for the majority of the shakiness of our relationship. And the bickering. And the fights. And yet we always reconciled, and it was for the better.
And yet the depression still hit, and my withdrawal from my group of friends hit me hard, as I've always been very social even since I hit my stride. In elementary school, I was always hard up for friends; in middle school, there was a huge group of us which hung out and it was the Golden Age for me. Grade 9 was the epitome of my social life (in recent news, this year might even usurp that title, but we'll see. One always looks back at the past with glazed-over eyes) on many terms, so this hit me to my core. I gained weight, 40 pounds of it, in three months. Two years later, and I am just getting over the physical setbacks to this depression, not to mention (although I did above) that I am also now just 'coming up for air' from the mental anguish. In any case, I am feeling healthier and better and stronger than I have in two years now, which is good news for myself.
Then I decided to get social again; it was there gnawing at my walls of apathy, so I said " it" and got together some of my best friends for my 17th birthday party and played D&D in my then 5-year-old campaign setting. that campaign went on for a half-year or so, and was great fun.
But there was more; a friend and player went and had sex with another friend and player's sister, and then caused havoc in school over it. The girlfriend blew upon him, I backed away, and the friend whose' sister had been sexed-up was enraged. This was likely the stupidest point of high school drama I've ever seen, and in a school of 12 hundred kids where most of them knew something about this, the situation was dire in that pathetic sort of gossipy way. Since I was then best friends with the guy who had betrayed all, I was again at a loss for social life, and the year dragged on.
Then, reconcilment. His ex (a fairly good friend of mine) took him back in the fall, and since he lived in my neighbourhood, I got him a job at the gas station I worked at and said "let's be friends - but no more chances." He lost the job in 3 weeks, after having a hangover and pulling a No Show for work. And another one bites the dust.
However, my other friendships were strengthening, so I wasn't too concerned. But next to suffer was my relationship.
After more than two years of dating, my girlfriend and I broke-up. I was hollow inside from it, and yet realise now that our forking of paths this past March was for the better - for both of us, in different ways. I couldn't be her knight in shining armour, not the way she wanted me to be. I couldn't be a trendie, preppie guy who would embellish her with all of my intentions. Variety is the spice of life, and I liked having many friends, both male and an female, the latter of which she despised. She always would become enraged with jealousy at the hint of me being friendly with girls - and I'm a natural flirt when it comes down to it. She hated my more brutal music, which was understandable, although you are talking to a guy who thinks My Humps by Black Eyed Peas and Nymphetamine by Cradle of Filth are both equally good songs to having nookie to - so it's not like I couldn't stand her music. I think all genres have merit, and have good songs, I just prefer metal.
So our relationship was sundered by the burden of scores of incidents involving our differences, and more than a few other factors. I was again sucked into a depression, but this was was more easily resolved. We are still friends to this day, but meetings are more sporadic, and we've both moved on. She has a decent guy in her life, and that's all I would ever ask of her - that her choices be for good people with good morals.
A female friend of mine who'd I has dated previous tot his relationship caught my eye. I'd been vaguely aware that she still really liked me the entire time I'd been going out with my ex, and she pounced on me when she heard the news a month and a half later. I was lonely and sad, and she was willing, and in our previous relationship, we had both said "I love you" without really realising the meaning or implications - which only set up two things:. We ended up having sex within 6 days of dating, the first person she had ever been with and the second for me. This, and the fact that I was still not over my ex meant that our relationship was more about the sex and my projecting feelings of love on her that I still felt for my ex meant that it was not to be.
It ruined a 5-year-long friendship, when we broke up after 5 months. The sex, the hurt, the tumult of pain after, wasn't worth it. Another regretted relationship, another near-miss, another notch in my heart. This year has been tough in love. The possible highlight of that relationship was the half-off Lamb of God shirts since she worked at the MTS Centre where they played earlier this year; the sex was certainly terrible and uninspired.
And this is not to mention that my best friend was away for this entire time, doing volunteer work in and out of the country for a half-year. I was alone in my wake of chaos, while he was almost unreachable. It was tough on me, seeing everything go down the drain, one thing after another.
So, here I am now, unattached to any girl at the moment, with my best friend back in town and the New Year ahead of me. I await to see how this upcoming period will unfold; there are so many new options and things to explore and people to meet, and music to listen to and D&D sessions to run. Things are finally, after two long years, looking to be very bright for me. My health is back; hell I'm working on my six-pack. My metalhead-osity is in full swing, with me delving deeper into the music than ever before; I have a band in the works that I'm going to be the screamer/lyricist for named A Slave Unchained. I'm going to university next fall, working towards becoming a history professor (which was inspired by a great teacher and D&D and it's subsequent pools of interest). I have a big group of friends to draw on right now, and who are all "my type" of people with strong personalities and a love for music, by and large. The cold winter which froze over my well-being for the last two years is lifting, revealing a spring full of rebirth and hope. I did this myself, without any external help save for understanding friends, my music and me. Things are certainly looking up.
Thanks for listening. This is likely more for my own therapy than anything, but it's been good getting this all out. Best of wishes for those who have been having a hard time too; don't worry: "when walking through hell, its best to walk right through." You time will come, and whether it will be through your own persistence, or whatever, it's waiting for you.
I'm not really sure how to end all this, so I don't think I will have a true ending here.
Goodnight, in any case. I have to get up in four and a half hours for work.
cheers,
--N
It's kinda weird how life works is sometimes, eh? Myself, it's kinda weird. One thing leads to another... times change, people change. The sun rises in the morning, sets in the evening. Sometimes it can just feel as if you are going along with the tide, keeping yourself up on that swell of unrelenting force, only to crash on the beach. Hard.
The last 9 months, hell, two years have been hard. Depression has been lurking behind every corner, in every nook and cranny hoping to, in no uncertain terms,
me over. It's been a test of wills, to say the least.Two years ago, I was hit with a bout of some of the worst depression in my life. I was removed from my friends; didn't go on MSN or hang out as much or call or try to get things together. Part of it was me making a good choice with some friends who chose drugs over virtue and morality and friendship. And yes, while drug users (that includes drinkers, since alcohol is a drug) can be moral, and virtuous, these friends were not. The realisation of how they took my friendship for granted, and how they mowed down others in their path has not yet sunk in, and yet now I am posting this because I am finally almost coming to terms with this, and am hoping in some further spots of enlightenment in this dark chapter of my life.
So, they threw away their chances, their intelligence, their virtue, their morality and their ties with many people for a culture filled with users and abusers and people who really don't care about you, but rather how much money they can make off you. Cocaine-laced pot was only the beginning in their downward spiral, and the repercussions of this hit me in the gut; I had known some of these guys since pre-school. Others, since ~grade 5 or 6. These were the same people who introduced me into my two favourite things in life: Dungeons and Dragons and music; specifically rock and metal. I was devastated.
I never saw any of their binges or usage, but I heard the horror stories on the fringe; their group of "friends" was still slightly entwined with mine in high school so there was a crossover in which I was privy to some perplexing and vexing statements of their current well-being. I was disgusted and apathetic.
My girlfriend, who I had began dating the year prior (or, 3 years ago from this the present time) kept me busy; she was high maintenence and very much the opposite of me. There was always the constant pressure from her to conform to her. I was a white metalhead, and she was a Spanish dancer - opposite ends of the spectrum. And yet, we were in love on so many levels, and our personality's "clicked". But she wanted me to be more "normal", more mainstream, more "clean cut", more her type, I guess. Meanwhile, I was delving deeper into the local metal scene and culture and into harder, darker, harsher bands. Having to establish myself as an extension of my interests was nigh-impossible with her persistence. I had to wear more colours, get trendier jeans, stupid
like that which, while on the surface didn't really bother me, shook my core and caused great anxiety in my life. It also was the cause for the majority of the shakiness of our relationship. And the bickering. And the fights. And yet we always reconciled, and it was for the better.And yet the depression still hit, and my withdrawal from my group of friends hit me hard, as I've always been very social even since I hit my stride. In elementary school, I was always hard up for friends; in middle school, there was a huge group of us which hung out and it was the Golden Age for me. Grade 9 was the epitome of my social life (in recent news, this year might even usurp that title, but we'll see. One always looks back at the past with glazed-over eyes) on many terms, so this hit me to my core. I gained weight, 40 pounds of it, in three months. Two years later, and I am just getting over the physical setbacks to this depression, not to mention (although I did above) that I am also now just 'coming up for air' from the mental anguish. In any case, I am feeling healthier and better and stronger than I have in two years now, which is good news for myself.
Then I decided to get social again; it was there gnawing at my walls of apathy, so I said "
it" and got together some of my best friends for my 17th birthday party and played D&D in my then 5-year-old campaign setting. that campaign went on for a half-year or so, and was great fun.But there was more; a friend and player went and had sex with another friend and player's sister, and then caused havoc in school over it. The girlfriend blew upon him, I backed away, and the friend whose' sister had been sexed-up was enraged. This was likely the stupidest point of high school drama I've ever seen, and in a school of 12 hundred kids where most of them knew something about this, the situation was dire in that pathetic sort of gossipy way. Since I was then best friends with the guy who had betrayed all, I was again at a loss for social life, and the year dragged on.
Then, reconcilment. His ex (a fairly good friend of mine) took him back in the fall, and since he lived in my neighbourhood, I got him a job at the gas station I worked at and said "let's be friends - but no more chances." He lost the job in 3 weeks, after having a hangover and pulling a No Show for work. And another one bites the dust.
However, my other friendships were strengthening, so I wasn't too concerned. But next to suffer was my relationship.
After more than two years of dating, my girlfriend and I broke-up. I was hollow inside from it, and yet realise now that our forking of paths this past March was for the better - for both of us, in different ways. I couldn't be her knight in shining armour, not the way she wanted me to be. I couldn't be a trendie, preppie guy who would embellish her with all of my intentions. Variety is the spice of life, and I liked having many friends, both male and an female, the latter of which she despised. She always would become enraged with jealousy at the hint of me being friendly with girls - and I'm a natural flirt when it comes down to it. She hated my more brutal music, which was understandable, although you are talking to a guy who thinks My Humps by Black Eyed Peas and Nymphetamine by Cradle of Filth are both equally good songs to having nookie to - so it's not like I couldn't stand her music. I think all genres have merit, and have good songs, I just prefer metal.
So our relationship was sundered by the burden of scores of incidents involving our differences, and more than a few other factors. I was again sucked into a depression, but this was was more easily resolved. We are still friends to this day, but meetings are more sporadic, and we've both moved on. She has a decent guy in her life, and that's all I would ever ask of her - that her choices be for good people with good morals.
A female friend of mine who'd I has dated previous tot his relationship caught my eye. I'd been vaguely aware that she still really liked me the entire time I'd been going out with my ex, and she pounced on me when she heard the news a month and a half later. I was lonely and sad, and she was willing, and in our previous relationship, we had both said "I love you" without really realising the meaning or implications - which only set up two things:. We ended up having sex within 6 days of dating, the first person she had ever been with and the second for me. This, and the fact that I was still not over my ex meant that our relationship was more about the sex and my projecting feelings of love on her that I still felt for my ex meant that it was not to be.
It ruined a 5-year-long friendship, when we broke up after 5 months. The sex, the hurt, the tumult of pain after, wasn't worth it. Another regretted relationship, another near-miss, another notch in my heart. This year has been tough in love. The possible highlight of that relationship was the half-off Lamb of God shirts since she worked at the MTS Centre where they played earlier this year; the sex was certainly terrible and uninspired.
And this is not to mention that my best friend was away for this entire time, doing volunteer work in and out of the country for a half-year. I was alone in my wake of chaos, while he was almost unreachable. It was tough on me, seeing everything go down the drain, one thing after another.
So, here I am now, unattached to any girl at the moment, with my best friend back in town and the New Year ahead of me. I await to see how this upcoming period will unfold; there are so many new options and things to explore and people to meet, and music to listen to and D&D sessions to run. Things are finally, after two long years, looking to be very bright for me. My health is back; hell I'm working on my six-pack. My metalhead-osity is in full swing, with me delving deeper into the music than ever before; I have a band in the works that I'm going to be the screamer/lyricist for named A Slave Unchained. I'm going to university next fall, working towards becoming a history professor (which was inspired by a great teacher and D&D and it's subsequent pools of interest). I have a big group of friends to draw on right now, and who are all "my type" of people with strong personalities and a love for music, by and large. The cold winter which froze over my well-being for the last two years is lifting, revealing a spring full of rebirth and hope. I did this myself, without any external help save for understanding friends, my music and me. Things are certainly looking up.
Thanks for listening. This is likely more for my own therapy than anything, but it's been good getting this all out. Best of wishes for those who have been having a hard time too; don't worry: "when walking through hell, its best to walk right through." You time will come, and whether it will be through your own persistence, or whatever, it's waiting for you.
I'm not really sure how to end all this, so I don't think I will have a true ending here.
Goodnight, in any case. I have to get up in four and a half hours for work.
cheers,
--N
