Ranger REG
Explorer
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My brother is a bugger... what should I do?
- Thread starter megamania
- Start date
megamania said:
And if he doesn't? Perhaps you get a call back in a week or three and find out that he was in a car accident and couldn't. You spend all that time thinking that he didn't care. :\
Not knowing your individual relationship with your brother I can not say much, but I know this- if you love someone and you have a fair idea they love you, then assume that they have your relationship- the best intentions for your relationship in mind at all times.
Should you call him back? In a couple days. "You didn't call me back?" "Didn't think I needed to-?" "I would have liked to have talked to you- it was important to me." Show him you care- be there. Call him on his lacking in the relationship- "do you want to stay in touch? I'd like to stay have some kind of communication here with my brother. Is that what you want? Or should I just consider a yearly, wedding, death bed, funeral contact what you want?"
Most of do not assume his intentions in the relationship- know them.
If he doesn't like you, treats you like crap, disrespects you then call him on it, if he won't clean up his act then cut him loose. Good relationships are based on trust, respect, and love.
Good luck, Mega, hope to get a good news update later on.
Treebore
First Post
Yeah, just because they are family does not mean you are required to love them if they don't give you the same.
Take my wife's mother for an example. For the last ten years her brothers and sisters have been paying her rent, her utilities, bought her a $6,000 used mini van, "loaned" her unknown amounts of many (I know she got over $3,000.00 out of just us), paid for her at restaurants 100's of times, all because she is "so poor", with her having a $26,000/year job.
So how does she not have any money? What does she spend it on, it sure isn't cost of living, since she had lunch and dinner over at hers sisters every day of the week, since her job was literally right across the street.
Well, we found out why, she is seriously mentally ill. But her family will not support us in getting her taken care of. So we have cut off all communication/association with her. We get occassional updates about her through my wife's brother and that is about it.
I won't go through my wife's history of abuse from her mother, suffice it to say its ugly.
My wife has finally come to accept there is only so much you can do. Her mother is a monster. She has tried to do everything she can to help her mother fix herself, her mother, and her mothers side of the family refused to let it happen. My kids are afraid of her and don't like her.
So we have cut her loose. The last year has been the best year of my wife's life. She still has "guilt" issues, but she seems to be getting better about it. My kids and I sure haven't missed her "insanity" either.
So do what you feel you have to do. There will come a time where you will either have a good "break through" with your brother, or you will realize why we have that saying, "You can take your horse to the water, but you can't make him drink."
So, knowing as little as I do about your whole story, tell your brother the truth about how you feel. Tell him waht you want and ask him if there is anyway for the two of you to get "there", wherever that is.
Get a resolution, good or bad, then get on with the rest of your life.
Take my wife's mother for an example. For the last ten years her brothers and sisters have been paying her rent, her utilities, bought her a $6,000 used mini van, "loaned" her unknown amounts of many (I know she got over $3,000.00 out of just us), paid for her at restaurants 100's of times, all because she is "so poor", with her having a $26,000/year job.
So how does she not have any money? What does she spend it on, it sure isn't cost of living, since she had lunch and dinner over at hers sisters every day of the week, since her job was literally right across the street.
Well, we found out why, she is seriously mentally ill. But her family will not support us in getting her taken care of. So we have cut off all communication/association with her. We get occassional updates about her through my wife's brother and that is about it.
I won't go through my wife's history of abuse from her mother, suffice it to say its ugly.
My wife has finally come to accept there is only so much you can do. Her mother is a monster. She has tried to do everything she can to help her mother fix herself, her mother, and her mothers side of the family refused to let it happen. My kids are afraid of her and don't like her.
So we have cut her loose. The last year has been the best year of my wife's life. She still has "guilt" issues, but she seems to be getting better about it. My kids and I sure haven't missed her "insanity" either.
So do what you feel you have to do. There will come a time where you will either have a good "break through" with your brother, or you will realize why we have that saying, "You can take your horse to the water, but you can't make him drink."
So, knowing as little as I do about your whole story, tell your brother the truth about how you feel. Tell him waht you want and ask him if there is anyway for the two of you to get "there", wherever that is.
Get a resolution, good or bad, then get on with the rest of your life.
LightPhoenix
First Post
I have plenty of family issues myself... so I really don't know if any advice I give is any good.
There's only so much you can do to be close to someone without them reciprocating. I know that I personally felt, and still feel, an obligation to keep trying to fulfill the idea I have of what "family" is. I'm estranged from my father, but for different reasons, it seems, than you and your brother are. Even so, I call him every few months to see how he's doing, offer to have lunch with him, talk a bit... it usually gets cancelled by him. Honestly, it gets a little emotionally tiring. So, I have the feeling I can relate to your situation.
So, all that said, I'm glad you called your brother, I think it was the right thing to do. When, and in all honestly, possibly if, he's willing to reciprocate, he'll make the motions. I have the feeling though, that if you stop trying, that won't ever happen, because he'll figure you've written him off. Even if you only call him once a year, you're leaving the door open for him to get past whatever issues he has.
I'll also say, with regards to my use of quotatation marks above, you said that you can't choose your family. That's both true and false. I would rather say that you can't choose your relatives.
One of my biggest problems is that many of my friends come from families which were much more loving and stable than mine, and I keep expecting my relatives to magically fall into place. I had to recognize that that was not going to happen, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Part of that is them, and part of that is me... and even if I fall into place (not always, or often, the case), they won't be there, and that jolts me further out of place. A good analogy would be that it's like cogs that don't fit together. The flip-side of that is recognizing that there are people who are my family, both relatives and not, and to be grateful for them.
So, just like you leave yourself open to the idea of new friends, you can, and probably do, leave yourself open to the possibility of new family. That includes your brother, and I hope that someday he can actually become family instead of a relative. Until then, I'd advise you to keep doing what you're doing, keep the door open, because he might decide one day to change.
Er, as an aside, I talk about myself because I'm a firm believer that people shouldn't try to understand each other, but should instead try to relate to each other. You can't relate to someone unless you hear their story, hence talking about myself. Anyway, I'm hoping you can find something in my rambling to relate to.
There's only so much you can do to be close to someone without them reciprocating. I know that I personally felt, and still feel, an obligation to keep trying to fulfill the idea I have of what "family" is. I'm estranged from my father, but for different reasons, it seems, than you and your brother are. Even so, I call him every few months to see how he's doing, offer to have lunch with him, talk a bit... it usually gets cancelled by him. Honestly, it gets a little emotionally tiring. So, I have the feeling I can relate to your situation.
So, all that said, I'm glad you called your brother, I think it was the right thing to do. When, and in all honestly, possibly if, he's willing to reciprocate, he'll make the motions. I have the feeling though, that if you stop trying, that won't ever happen, because he'll figure you've written him off. Even if you only call him once a year, you're leaving the door open for him to get past whatever issues he has.
I'll also say, with regards to my use of quotatation marks above, you said that you can't choose your family. That's both true and false. I would rather say that you can't choose your relatives.
One of my biggest problems is that many of my friends come from families which were much more loving and stable than mine, and I keep expecting my relatives to magically fall into place. I had to recognize that that was not going to happen, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. Part of that is them, and part of that is me... and even if I fall into place (not always, or often, the case), they won't be there, and that jolts me further out of place. A good analogy would be that it's like cogs that don't fit together. The flip-side of that is recognizing that there are people who are my family, both relatives and not, and to be grateful for them.
So, just like you leave yourself open to the idea of new friends, you can, and probably do, leave yourself open to the possibility of new family. That includes your brother, and I hope that someday he can actually become family instead of a relative. Until then, I'd advise you to keep doing what you're doing, keep the door open, because he might decide one day to change.
Er, as an aside, I talk about myself because I'm a firm believer that people shouldn't try to understand each other, but should instead try to relate to each other. You can't relate to someone unless you hear their story, hence talking about myself. Anyway, I'm hoping you can find something in my rambling to relate to.
Treebore
First Post
I'm of the firm belief that "fixing your life" starts and ends with fixing yourself. Which requires a lot of honesty, about yourself, and those around you. Often a very painful proposition. Plus we often trap ourselves into only certain paths. Like they are imutable. They only stay that way as long as we are unwilling to allow ourselves other paths.
I believe we are all entitled to happiness. The only reason we don't achieve it is because we chose paths that block it from us. I take a path as soon as I realize it will get me there. Since that also means it has to be a path where I cause no one else harm, its been working for me. Notice I said where I don't cause others harm.
When people chose paths that harm themselves, because I chose a path that takes me away from them, so I can find my own happiness, that does not mean I am harming them. I am not ultimately responsible for their happiness. I can only try what is within my ability. Once I have done that my obligation to them is over. I move on. If things conspire to where, down the road, I can help them to help themselves again, I do. I do not have to hold myself back until that happens, though.
Its far from any easy path to figure out, but I know I am getting happier and happier as I travel it. My wife and kids benefit from it as well.
Plus my wife seems to finally be seeing what I have been saying. She has quit letting all these obligations to her mother and other family tie her down. She accepts that she has done all she can for them, so improves herself until opportunities open up down the road.
You owe help to your family, but not to the point of self suffocation.
Your entitled to your own happiness, even if those around you chose not to find the same path, and self destruct instead. You are not obligated to destroy yourself along with them. In fact, it is wrong of them to expect or demand that you do so.
Like I said, not easy to figure out and see. But like everything else, it gets easier with practice.
I believe we are all entitled to happiness. The only reason we don't achieve it is because we chose paths that block it from us. I take a path as soon as I realize it will get me there. Since that also means it has to be a path where I cause no one else harm, its been working for me. Notice I said where I don't cause others harm.
When people chose paths that harm themselves, because I chose a path that takes me away from them, so I can find my own happiness, that does not mean I am harming them. I am not ultimately responsible for their happiness. I can only try what is within my ability. Once I have done that my obligation to them is over. I move on. If things conspire to where, down the road, I can help them to help themselves again, I do. I do not have to hold myself back until that happens, though.
Its far from any easy path to figure out, but I know I am getting happier and happier as I travel it. My wife and kids benefit from it as well.
Plus my wife seems to finally be seeing what I have been saying. She has quit letting all these obligations to her mother and other family tie her down. She accepts that she has done all she can for them, so improves herself until opportunities open up down the road.
You owe help to your family, but not to the point of self suffocation.
Your entitled to your own happiness, even if those around you chose not to find the same path, and self destruct instead. You are not obligated to destroy yourself along with them. In fact, it is wrong of them to expect or demand that you do so.
Like I said, not easy to figure out and see. But like everything else, it gets easier with practice.
megamania
Hero
Harmon said:
nope. I'll call my mother this weekend and see if he at least said anything to her.
Its crazy. In the summer months he lives about two miles away from her and yet sees her only 1-2 times a summer. I live 3 1/2 hours away and used to see her once a summer. This past summer I didn't but I had some other family issues to deal with which I'm glad I did.
Ranger REG
Explorer
Nothing clears up family issue better than with a handheld chainsaw.megamania said:
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