My grandma needs help...help me help her.

[AuroraGyps]

There's alot of info I'm gonna leave out, but I'll try to write the important stuff.

OK, my grandma is a great, tough old lady. She's 82. She's delt with a husband (he passed almost 20 years ago) that had a heart problem for over 30 years, a hip problem from falling off a roof (later it was replaced), was an alcholic for over 20 years, had a stroke, and cancer twice. She's had two hip replacements, a knee replacement, & cancer twice. They raised 3 kids, including my mom who has severe scoliosis. Despite all this, she drove a short bus till she was almost 60, gardened, read, go up to stay in a trailor in the Catskills on property that she's ( and granpa when he was around) owned for years, did crafts, and drove up until a few years ago.
A couple of years ago, she moved in w/ my aunt (her other daughter) and uncle (this was on Long Island), because she couldn't live on her own anymore due to her hip being so bad (this is before the 2nd replacement). They treated her awfully. They always complained, about how they had to take care of her (they refused to have someone in to help because they thought things would get stolen). They refused to believe she couldn't walk (later her doctor couldn't believe how she dealt with being in such pain... the hip was desintergrating (sp?). They said she did things for attention, that she was becoming senile. She pretty much stayed in that room, a tiny room, for a year. It did awful things to her mood & her state of mind. They also would occasionally leave her by herself in the house for 1, 2, 3 hours at a time.
After she went to get her hip fixed , she was in rehab. The place wasn't nice. My mom and other uncle (my grandma's son) were worried about her, worried about how my aunt was treating her and where she was, so my mom found a really nice up by her (in Putnam County, NY), where my mom knew alot of the doctors that dealt with this place. She moved up before Thanksgiving and she'd so much happier.

The problem is my aunt and uncle are still being awful. They haven't visited her yet (neither has my cousin, his wife, and their 2 daughters,3 years and 6 monthes), yet they always complained that my uncle and mom didn't visit enough. My aunt complain that my mom & uncle didn't help with g-mom enough, and when my mom said she physically couldn't because of her back, my aunt told her she was tired of hearing about her back (mom's spine has two 70 degree curves in it, a metal rod, and is calcified... she can't do much anymore). My aunt told my g-mom that all the gold jewelery that she'd ever bought for my g-mom, she wanted back when she died. With out asking she gave the motorized wheelchair to her father-in-law and a special recliner to her son... both of which my g-mom bought with her own money. She kept all of my g-mom's jewelery at her house, because she thinks my mom would steal it (most of which is not her style. I mean, if my g-mom went out, she wouldn't even be able to have my mom bring a necklace or something so she could dress up and look pretty.
They feel that because they helped her as she got older, they deserve tons of stuff. They say my mom & uncle ran away from LI, so they wouldn't have to take care of my grandparents. Of course, my aunt & uncle never had to pay for a babysitter the whole time my cousin was growing up.
All these two think about are things, cash, and putting themselves out. My grandmother deserves so much more. Now that she's in this new place, she's so much better. Ok, her eyes are going, her hearing's not so good, she has arthritis, and she still can't seem to walk, but her mind is still sharp. I talked to my mom this morning and told her to tell my g-mom that maybe she should start demanding back things that are hers, because she want to decide what should happen to them. I mean, if stuff and $ is all they understand, maybe my g-mom should start talking their language.
We, my mom, my uncle, and I don't want anything. All we want is for my grandma to be happy. I say all the time that if she wanted to go bungee jumping, I'd back her up.

Help!!! What can my grandma do? I almost think that she should seek legal help to make sure her things end up where she wants them to go. I also think she should edit her will. Just because they're related, doesn't mean they deserve things. How they treat her should mean something. My mom says she shouldn't do these things, because it'lll just make more problems, but like I said, if that's the only way my aunt and uncle will HEAR her, maybe it has to be done... even if it's just starting things to show that she is her own woman and that she deserves respect and to be listened to.

I wish I could do more for my g-mom myself, but it's hard with my problems (plus being 6-7 hours away)... I just have so much on my mind I'm overwhelmed, but I think of her all the time. I still plan on moving back to my home town, but it probably will be months before things are set up there and here (packing, making room for me, taking care of paperwork). Till then, I want to help my grandma to stand up for herself.

Thanks for any help you guys can give. Feel free to ask questions if you need to.

 

[nakia]

I am not a lawyer or in any position of authority or expertise to give legal advice.

But maybe you want to talk to one, with your grandmother, and revise her will. A lawyer who knows about this sort of stuff could tell you who has rights to what, what recourse your grandmother has for getting her stuff back now, and how to deal with the nasty relatives if/when they contest.

It seems like feelings are going to get hurt any way you turn. Either you will feel bad because your grandmother and mother are being exploited by your aunt, or your aunt will be angry that you have taken legal steps to secure your grandmother's property.

That's about all I got. I, too, have a wonderful grandmother who is amazingly stong and whom I love deeply. I certainly understand your desire to do right by her.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

This sounds really rough, but is it upsetting your grandmother as much as it is upsetting you? If your grandmother is out of her bad situation, and she does not need the things your aunt and uncle have, maybe she would rather not let it concern her and cause more family problems. Maybe she does not want to be seen as chosing sides. If your grandmother is really upset about things, for herself, not because she is upset that you are upset, then maybe she should try and take a stand. But if it is only to make you and your mother and father happy, she may not want to make one side of the family happier at the expense of the other.

In the end make sure that you look out for your grandmother in the way she would like, not the way you would like.

 

[der_kluge]

My parents went through a similar situation, except reversed. Let me explain.

My Grandma died, leaving my grandfather (these are both on my Mom's side) alone, with no one to take care of him. My parents moved him into their house. They completely "handicap-ized" (to coin a term) their old bedroom and gave it to him. My parent's house is large, so space wasn't an issue. They cleaned him, changed his diapers (nice, huh?) fed him, the whole nine yards.

Meanwhile, my aunt who lived nearby basically did nothing, but wanted her share of the inheritance money, even before the man kicked the bucket! Not only that, but my Mom's neices (from her deceased brother) also wanted their inheritance money, and were always pestering my Mom saying that since my Dad had power of attorney over my Grandad's estate, that they were going to rob them of their inheritance. Despite the fact that they didn't really give a crap about the man, and the only reason they ever even said hi to these people was just to ensure that they were still in the will.

So, I guess the bottom line is that some people only think about themselves, and don't give a crap about others. If you have concerns, I would suggest you talk to your grandma about them, and ask her point blank what she intends to do in her will, and tell her that you'd rather see her donate it to charity versus giving any to your aunt and uncle. Who knows, she might be eternally grateful for the time she spent living with her aunt and uncle. She might have a different perspective.

 

[AuroraGyps]

Well, once my g-mom got into the rehab palace after her surgery, she did strat standing up to my aunt a bit. It was her decision to move into a home, we wanted her to be where she wanted to go. My aunt felt that after all my g-mom had gone through in her life, she deserved to not be in a home and stay in their house with family, but she didn't realize that it was really a detrament to my g-mom's health. She needed to be around people, especially people her own age and that she had things in common with (most of her friends have passed on where she used to live). But what they gave her was constant belittling, complaining that she had to go to the bathroom to much, saying she could walk, and whe she'd fall, say she could get up herself. They treated her like an idiot, like a child, saying she did things for attention and that she was going senile... well, if I was stuck in that tiny room for 1 1/2 years (my mom corrected me) I would've started to lose it to.
Now that she's in her new place, she has friends. She looks SO MUCH better than when she was stuck in that little room, where usually the only company was her 2 year old great-granddaughter and my aunts cat... their both nice, but not much for stimulating conversation. She's healthier too, she'd had an eye twich.. gone, and her blood pressure is normal where it was high when she was with my aunt. She's also started to talk more about how much my aunt hurt her by treating her the way she did and things that she'd said to her. She's standing up for herself a bit more too, both because she feels better and because since my aunt has nothing to do with her care, she doesn't have to worry about "punishment".
Alot of my aunt & uncles problems go back to when my grandfather died and they a big deal about alot of stuff. They stayed on the island while my mom & uncle and their families moved away. Nothing made them stay on the island... my uncle worked (he's since retired) from the LI railroad, but there're railroads all over the country.
Another thorn in my aunt's side is that my g-mom gave the 60 acres she had in the Catskills to my uncle (her only son), which being such a big thing will probably be almost the only thing she leaves him and his family. My uncle and his family have lived their for almost 30 years and have been paying the taxes on the property for a long time. My aunt made a big stink that what preoperty he didn't live on should've been split up between the grandchildren (there's four of us... her son, me, and my uncle's daughter and son). I for one, didn't want a part of it, even though I could use the money. I want the property to stay in the family, not be chopped into parts and maybe sold off. As long as I can still go up and visit, I'm fine with what she did. I even told my aunt this during a arguement between her and my mom, to which my aunt told me was none of my business. I feel that as soon as she said it should've been split between the grandchilden, it became my business.
Now, don't think I want to get a ton of stuff from her myself. When she was cleaning out her house, she asked what I wanted. I said: one of your old aluminum glasses (which went somewhere else I guess), anything with a pansy on it, because I collect pansy stuff (I got some old cards), and this old button necklace that she used to wear and had broken (I'm going to cover a wooden picture frame with the buttons and put her picture in it). I also got an old fashioned fold away bed, a bed frame, a dresser, and a sewing cabinet... all because I needed funiture and it was decided by her and ohter relatvies that I could have these things. None of this stuff is fancy. I've been told by my mom that my g-mom is trying to decide what to do with her engagement ring. I said that I'd be honored if she gave it to me... maybe some of her toughness would rub off on me and I could use that. But I don't even remeber what it looks like, and she can do whatever she want s with, including being buried with it if she wanted.
Like I've said... all I really want is for her to be happy. My mom tells me about this stuff that goes on, but I don't know how much my g-mom knows that I know. I have a feeling no matter what happens that when she goes, my aunt and uncle will be unhappy about something. I just think that what my g-mom wants done, she should be able to say and be heard. If she has to speak the only language that my aunt understands, which is "things, money, and how it affects her", maybe that how my g-mom should express herself, even if it's to just get my aunts attention so she'll start listening. My aunt has hurt her so bad, she's kept alot in, now it's time, before it's to late, to let it all out. I know how hard it is to regret things you did or didn't do. I hope that in heaven, you don't feel regret, but if you do, I'd like my g-mom to go there with as few as possible.
I'll tell ya, sometimes I wish my grandpa wwas stilla round, cause if he saw how my aunt was treating my grandmother, he'd kick her ass. Maybe, he could come into her dreams and tell her to stop being such a brat.

 

[Krieg]

Like I've said... all I really want is for her to be happy.

Be there for your grandmother and do what you can to make her remaining time on earth as joyful as possible.

None of the rest of it matters.

Your Aunt & Uncle aren't going to change and aren't going to learn any lessons at this point in their life. The material possessions aren't going to make them any happier. Let them live their sad sorry little lives and don't let it concern you.

Every chance you get ask your grandmother to tell you her stories, her memories...her life. When it is all said and done those are the only things that will miss if you don't have them.

 

[AuroraGyps]

Yeah, I know what you're saying is totally true. It's not really the things that bugs me, it's the lack of respect and common decency that do... it just so happens that a lot of what that they do to bug her involves stuff, but they do other things to hurt her, and have said some things that were just mean. She is starting to stand up for herself, which I am so proud of her for doing. When she was told that my cousin got her recliner, she said, "Oh, I didn't even get a 'thank you'", all sarcastic.
The one thing that does really does bug me is that the great grandchildren are not being taken to visit her (they visited her in the rehab place) and it's like they being used to punish her. That's so not fair. It's a 1 1/2-2 hour drive... it's not that big a deal. My aunt expected my mom (same distance) and my uncle (he's in the Catskills, so it's like 3 1/2-4 hours) to go to LI to visit g-mom AND they had to help take care of her.... she just has to visit. Man, grandma said it best, "don't get old, it stinks".

 

[Krieg]

I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes we forget that just because someone is family it doesn't automatically make them a good person.

Just love her and let her know you love her, that is what is important to her right now.