Thank you very much for this thread - its great to read about your attempts to break off the rust and DM again. I especially like your comments on the personalities of the players themselves - its often a dynamic that isn't talked about much here.
As for your warlord, I'm glad you've resolved it by having the player swap to a cleric - having your player's happy and invested in their characters is very important.
As for the wizard, while I understand the root of the player's dissatisfaction may be some of her RL issues, there may well be a class that is appropriate for her that lessens those issues. In that regard, I think a controller may be a particularly bad match in that it reinforces her doubts - controllers tend to be very tactical to play, and their effect on the battle less visible than the strikers, who are knocking things dead. So, I think controllers are a class that require a certain amount of self confidence in one's own choices, specially since it is their daily powers that are truly battle changing.
As such, I would recommend she switch to a sorceror (if you are using PH2) - its a striker (so she'll be knocking things dead and otherwise effecting the battlefield in a more visible way) but still is arcane and has a strong magical vibe so she should still be able to "get her Harry Potter on".
Either that or use tons and tons of minions until she gets in the groove - she should feel better about herself when she learns that it was her that prevented the party from being torn appart by hordes of baddies. For some of those encounters, be sure to have the terrain funnel the minions together so that the wizard gets the best use of her powers.
Oh,a nd as a fellow homebrewer - kudos and good luck! Communicating your image of the world and gradually revealing its secrets can be highly frustrating at times, but the "aha" moments by the players can be pure joy for a DM.