D&D General What do you say when someone is thinking of quitting your game?

[overgeeked]

“Thanks for the head’s up. I’ve had a lot of fun with you at the table so I hate to see you go. If there’s anything I can do to make things more fun or engaging for you let me know. There will always be a seat at the table for you.”

The reasoning might involve a lot of stuff outside the game, so, as others have mentioned, it’s probably best to leave that alone for the time being.

Consider making a point of hanging out in the next little while and consider a bit of a going away bash with the group.

 

[Ulorian - Agent of Chaos]

I'd say something like, 'I'm sorry to see you go! Whether the game was to your liking or not, or if there is something else going on in your life that makes coming to the game tough, all good. You're welcome back anytime.

If there's something about this decision you want to discuss with me, I'm always available.'

Just leave it at that. You're showing empathy with his situation (maybe he has a spouse or girlfriend he'd like to spend more time with, or maybe he's burnt out on gaming, doesn't matter). You're eliminating any guilt he feels. You're leaving the door open for him, which is important if whatever is driving his decision to step away is a temporary situation. You're just being a good person.

 

[touc]

Good points. It's reactive but also narcissistic for me to think "what did I do wrong" versus "hate to see you go but you're welcome back anytime." It's been a few years since I've had someone step away; last one was for serious health reasons. Not all about the DM.

 

[GrimCo]

I still think that it can't hurt to ask why. It just might be burnout on d&d. 6 years of 3 games a month is lots of gaming in one specific system and more or less same type of game ( no matter how you spin it, 5e is high powered high fantasy). Sometimes, people just need something different. A pallet cleanser so to speak. It happened to me. I was just tired of d&d and fantasy in general, but not ttrpgs as a hobby. But rest of the group was having a blast and it felt bad to kill their fun by asking to switch to something different. Had a drink with a DM and told him in private that i was fed up with fantasy and dnd and i would be up to anything but that, hell, even urban fantasy using WoD would be ok. He probed rest of the group, but they weren't into changing systems and starting new game, so i took year or so away from D&D. They continued playing, and as a group, we would get together some other day in the week and go for drinks and hang out.

 

[Theory of Games]

I just got a private message from a friend and gamer at my table that he's stepping away from our D&D/RPGs. It makes me sad to hear. I've been DMing for a long time, and I've seen it happen. I've burned out for periods of time. I'd like to think I run great games, but I also realize not everyone can or will play D&D for decades. But I want to say something to him to (1) find out if I'm part of the problem, (2) see if he just needs a break (or is there more going on), and (3) keep friends no matter what.

Background: in 2019 I moved states and randomly met some folks of similar age for a D&D game, maybe to start a group. Only one had ever played D&D before, and only a little. We all clicked and have been routinely meeting about 3 Sundays a month at my house. Fast forward nearly 6 years. We've just finished an 18-month campaign and are starting a new one. Out of the blue after our first campaign session (I had no clue he was unhappy with it all), I get a message (shortened for content):

There’s no easy way to write this but I need to step away from the table and dnd. It's been building for a while and taken me a long time to come to terms with but I'm not having fun anymore. The game just doesn’t hold my attention like it used to and that’s on me. Obviously there’s a lot I could share regarding how I came to this decision, and I’m happy to do so at some point. To be clear, nothing but the best of thoughts for you all. I’m gonna miss hanging out and playing with everybody so much but this is a change I need to make....Thanks so much for the years of fun. All that said, I don’t know how best to do this. I’m happy to play another session (or a couple) and share all this firsthand but wanted you have final say on how best for me to say goodbye to the group.

I play online and people leaving games is expected behavior. Some people hang around to make a character and chat, then as soon as the game starts POOF they're gone. Then some people don't like the game or the GM style or they don't like the PC they made or another player rubs them the wrong way or their work schedule changes or whatever. I consider it a feature of online play that we can jump in and out of games very easily (since we can play anything anytime).

When I first started running games online I wasn't used to people ghosting and I would PM them asking "wuthappin?" But now I just refocus on the other players and if the group gets too small, I'll recruit for new players. Easy Peasy

 

[AnotherGuy]

I play online and people leaving games is expected behavior. Some people hang around to make a character and chat, then as soon as the game starts POOF they're gone. Then some people don't like the game or the GM style or they don't like the PC they made or another player rubs them the wrong way or their work schedule changes or whatever. I consider it a feature of online play that we can jump in and out of games very easily (since we can play anything anytime).

When I first started running games online I wasn't used to people ghosting and I would PM them asking "wuthappin?" But now I just refocus on the other players and if the group gets too small, I'll recruit for new players. Easy Peasy

You are talking about strangers or acquaintances and ghosting which isn't at all applicable to the OP.

 

[Horwath]

your favorite meal in the world starts to taste foul if you only eat that.

like many said, it's most probably just D&D burnout.

it's summer now, maybe change one session for a barbecue with your group and their special ones/kids.

 

[EzekielRaiden]

If relevant, I ask them what is inspiring this decision. Sometimes, it's not having the spoons anymore. Sometimes, it's a matter of needing to keep their schedule open (I won't say specifically why, that's personal). Sometimes, it's "I'm glad I joined, but this isn't for me." And sometimes, it's none of my frelling business, and the player says so (much more politely, but still).

If the problem is something I can fix, I am happy to try. My highest goal is--always--to foster genuine enthusiasm in my players. If they aren't at least a little excited to play, I've screwed up.

I haven't ever had a bad breakup. One player that was getting kinda iffy chose to depart the game for personal reasons, but otherwise, every other player that has departed has done so for entirely reasonable reasons. Many have even expressed the hope that someday they might be able to return, though that has only happened rarely, I'm afraid. One player did me a truly great honor. He had been in a number of campaigns, in part as some self-therapy for getting over a bad breakup. But my game, he said, was the only one among them that was hard for him to leave.

That was the moment I truly knew, "Yeah, I've done a good job as GM." It meant a lot to me for him to say that.

But that isn't really relevant for you. You have a player who, it sounds like, just needs to step away from TTRPGing in general right now. That's not a knock against you. Your best choice, IMO, is to be supportive. That both gives the best chance that they'll want to come back, and the best chance that even if they don't, you'll show them that their participation mattered because of them, not because they were in your game.

 

[aco175]

I tend to find that once people get their mind to leaving, the rest is excuses. Like leaving a boyfriend/girlfriend or a job, or even when I watch the Naked and Afraid show and a cast member up and quits over being too hot/cold/hungry/dirty/bugs/etc... The words people use tend to not be the exact thing going on so it is easy to just say, I'm not feeling it anymore.

Trying to persuade them to stay might delay something but then they will not be in the game like before and might as well have just quit, so letting them go now is likely for the best. Both for them and for the group.

 

[payn]

(1) find out if I'm part of the problem, (2) see if he just needs a break (or is there more going on), and (3) keep friends no matter what.

It seems like in their message they are owning it and not blaming anyone else. Though, they seem to also mention needing a little time to frame their thoughts and I'd give them that space respectfully. For the bold bit, I think thats a good possibility since they framed up their response rather tactfully, even if it leaves you with a few questions at the moment.