[OT] A joke a post.

[Pielorinho]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass.

 

[kingpaul]

Two life-long friends are die-hard baseball fans. The one thing they desparately want to know about heaven is if baseball is played up there. They make a pact that the 1st one to die has to come back and tell the other if there's baseball in heaven or not.

Well, the sad day comes when one of them dies. About a week later, he suddenly appears in his friend's living room.

"You remembered our promise! Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Yes, there is baseball in heaven, but you're scheduled to pitch next week."

 

[Pielorinho]

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?




A. Its butt.

Daniel

 

[Eridanis]

With Apologies to Prof. Peter Schikele

One morning at the aquarium, the chief animal keeper calls her assistant into her office in a panic.

"Have you seen the dolphin tank today?" she asks.

"No," replies her assistant.

"We have a bunch of elementary school groups coming through here on tour today, and the dolphins are ... shall I say ... in a very amourous mood today for some reason. We can't have that going on, so we need to take care of it. As you know, the only anti-aphrodesiac for dolphins is the meat of baby seagulls. Now, take this bag, go down to the shore, grab some gulls, and hurry on back."

As he turns to go, she stops him. "Oh, by the way. be careful. A lion just escaped from the state zoo this morning. You should be OK, though." She kicks him out the door.

Well, he walks through the woods and goes down to the shore. No lions in sight. He grabs some seagulls. No problem. He heads on back, but as he turns the corner, what does he see... but the lion. Asleep in the middle of the path.

Well, this makes him pause. But he needs to get back to the aquarium, and the beast seem quite peaceful, so... he steps over the lion.

Lion doesn't wake up.

So, off he goes - but before he take three steps, a policeman steps out from behind a tree and stops him: "You're under arrest!"

"Pardon me officer, but what's the charge?"

"Transporting young gulls across a state lion for immoral porpoises."

 

[Richards]

WARNING: BAD PUN FOLLOWS!

Let me tell you about my new D&D character. He's an elven priest, very mystical, very much in tune with nature. In fact, he never wears shoes, so the bottoms of his feet have hardened to an almost leather-like consistency. He's only got a 6 Constitution, though, so he's rather sickly, and doesn't have much in the way of hit points. In fact, he has to have a special diet to try to keep him healthy, which has the unfortunate side effect of giving him a rather powerful case of bad breath.

I guess you could say...

..he's a super-callused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Johnathan

 

[Robbert Raets]

so I'll get banned, eh?

"That shrink said I've got p**is envy, but I'd like to think I'm bigger than that!"
>BLAM!<

wadda ya know, it's bad and it upsets Eric's grandmother!!

 

[kingpaul]

The Americans and the British

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[kingpaul]

A little old lady is sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra when the trumpet player goes sharp. Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender's neck and killing him.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything---but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him only one day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more---his professional pride has been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, "What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies the condemned man. "I'm just a bad conductor."

 

[Pazu]

An internist, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist are all asked to evaluate the patient in room 302.

The internist goes into the room first. He returns after an hour and says, "I have examined the patient, and determined that he is small, feathered, winged, with a flat bill and webbed feet. I am considering a member of the family Anatidae, with a duck being at the top of my differential diagnosis, followed by a small goose or unusual swan. Specifically, we must consider the merganser, the scaup, the mallard, etc. etc. etc..."

The psychiatrist goes into the room next. She returns after three hours and says, "I feel that I have begun to make good progress with this patient. He continues to engage in quacking behavior and appears to exhibit an unusual attraction to a water-filled bathtub and stale bread. I feel that ongoing personal and group therapy, combined with appropriate psychotropic medications, may mitigate his attempts to fly... etc. etc. etc."

The surgeon goes into the room next. He returns after fifteen minutes with a dead duck, hands it to the pathologist, and says, "So what is it?"

-- Pazu
(guess which specialty's mine )

 

[Heretic Apostate]

Okay, this is my joke. Be warned....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is grinning.
The egg is visibly annoyed.
The egg mutters, "I guess that answers that question."